All over a table

[3boymthr]

My response would be "I'm sorry but I really DO appreciate it and I have wanted this desk since Iwas a child and I was able to to wait patiently for x years to get it without a tantrum so while I understand her wanting it I'm going to keep it."

 

[Took]

It's between your mom & your aunt - she gifted it to you, rightfully so. Let your mom deal with your aunt.

Jealousy? Greed? I saw this happen in my family firsthand. My grandparents had a lovely antique desk in their home that I often admired. It had been my great-grandmother's. My grandmother told me I could have the desk when she died, she said it to me in front of my parents. I never assumed there'd be so much drama over this desk!

Fast forward to 2006 - my grandmother died in 2005 & my grandfather soon after in 2006 - when it came time to divide the household items, the 3 siblings (my dad & aunt & uncle) decided they'd each choose the larger items in order of age...since my dad was the oldest he got to choose first & said he wanted the desk for me, since my grandparents had told me I could have it. My greedy uncle flipped a lid - the siblings got in a fight that ended in NO ONE gets ANYTHING - it was all going up for auction sale, they'd split the proceeds. My dad & his sister were so upset, they didn't want it to come to that, but my uncle was just so mean about it. They agreed to the sale to keep the peace in the famly. My uncle told my dad that "if Tara wants the desk she will have to pay for it." I was so hurt! BUT I was bound & determined to get that desk - no matter what the cost, just to spite my uncle (who in the end got 1/3 of all the sale proceeds anyway - grrrrr).

The day of the sale there were 4 people bidding on the desk - an antique dealer, my uncle, my cousin's wife (my greedy uncle's DIL - I'm wondering if he hadn't promised it to her before he knew I wanted it) - and myself. I just kept my hand up the whole time the auctioneer raised the bids - my uncle's & cousin's wife's faces were priceless. They saw I wasn't parting with that desk at any cost. I spent almost a thousand dollars on that desk - and I'm sitting at it right now & would have paid a lot more just so they didn't get it.

A year later my cousin's wife said she didn't even want it for personal or sentimental use, she was going to sell it.

You know, my family is rather nutty, but we've nevere had this kind of squabbling over items. I'm feeling rather grateful just now. Thanks for sharing.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It's between your mom & your aunt - she gifted it to you, rightfully so. Let your mom deal with your aunt.

Jealousy? Greed? I saw this happen in my family firsthand. My grandparents had a lovely antique desk in their home that I often admired. It had been my great-grandmother's. My grandmother told me I could have the desk when she died, she said it to me in front of my parents. I never assumed there'd be so much drama over this desk!

Fast forward to 2006 - my grandmother died in 2005 & my grandfather soon after in 2006 - when it came time to divide the household items, the 3 siblings (my dad & aunt & uncle) decided they'd each choose the larger items in order of age...since my dad was the oldest he got to choose first & said he wanted the desk for me, since my grandparents had told me I could have it. My greedy uncle flipped a lid - the siblings got in a fight that ended in NO ONE gets ANYTHING - it was all going up for auction sale, they'd split the proceeds. My dad & his sister were so upset, they didn't want it to come to that, but my uncle was just so mean about it. They agreed to the sale to keep the peace in the famly. My uncle told my dad that "if Tara wants the desk she will have to pay for it." I was so hurt! BUT I was bound & determined to get that desk - no matter what the cost, just to spite my uncle (who in the end got 1/3 of all the sale proceeds anyway - grrrrr).

The day of the sale there were 4 people bidding on the desk - an antique dealer, my uncle, my cousin's wife (my greedy uncle's DIL - I'm wondering if he hadn't promised it to her before he knew I wanted it) - and myself. I just kept my hand up the whole time the auctioneer raised the bids - my uncle's & cousin's wife's faces were priceless. They saw I wasn't parting with that desk at any cost. I spent almost a thousand dollars on that desk - and I'm sitting at it right now & would have paid a lot more just so they didn't get it.

A year later my cousin's wife said she didn't even want it for personal or sentimental use, she was going to sell it.

That is so sad. It meant smething to you. She would rather sell it than have it go to someone in the family. What a lovely person.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You cannot "keep the peace" with crappy greedy relatives. Now go and get your table before the aunt works over your mother.

Once again, MM is right and has hit the nail right on the head...

GO GET THE DESK, NOW!!! before she starts workin' on your mom.

Have nothing further to say about it. Not one further word to anyone, PERIOD.

If your Auntie decides to continue to create hard feelings and estrange herself from her family over this, that is 'her' action and her attitude... you cannot take ownership of that. (Remember, one cannot change or be responsible for anyone else's actions or attitudes... only your own.)

PS: BE PREPARED FOR WHAT IS GOING TO TRANSPIRE IF YOUR MOTHER PASSES AWAY OR BECOMES INFIRM BEFORE THE SISTER.... It is very very common for relatives, such as Aunts and Uncles, to just walk in the residence and 'take what they want'. There have been threads here on the DIS about this exact type of situation over the last couple of years.

 

[MichelleVW]

Your aunt is manipulative. The way to deal with manipulative people is to decide what you are going to say and say it repeatedly until they realize that you are not going to change your mind.

In this case, the response to aunt should be "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it". When the aunt says "But I want my daughter to have the desk" the response is "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it". When aunt says "But my daughter is throwing a tantrum about it", the response is "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it". When aunt says "You're selfish for keeping the desk from a 7 year old" the response is "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it".

Do not veer from that sentence. Do not try and justify anything, do not apologize, do not get into any discussion with her about it at all. You have done nothing wrong, so don't act like you did. An don't worry about "family harmony" because clearly your aunt isn't worrying about it, now is she????? Manipulative people always end up getting their way because everyone else worries about "harmony".

That's what I used to do with my Ex husband....it would drive him crazy because he would try to argue with me and get his way, but I would just keep repeating my stance over and over.

 

[WL Fan]

I was just thinking how nice the desk would look in your house with a beautifully framed picture of your grandma gracing its top, and maybe a few antique pen sets too. A whole lot better than covered with Hannah Montana stickers and streaks of blue nail polish!

Enjoy!

 

[arminnie]

My grandfather gave my grandmother a ring for their 60th wedding anniversary. Now this is a 10k gold ring with a big rectangular fake ruby - it is not a valuable piece of jewelry. It is pretty - but probably isn't worth $10.

My grandmother wore it for about 4-5 years before she died. It went to my mother (one of 7 sisters) with no second thoughts by anyone because she also had a July birthday.

My mother wore that ring for almost 25 years before she died. My sister (who does not wear jewelry) told me to keep it which I did. Out of the blue comes one of my cousins who says that it should be hers because she has a July birthday. Or I should give it to her daughter with a July birthday.

I just kept ignorging her, and she hasn't mentioned it in years, My father thought I should give it to her to keep the piece. My sister was adamant that I should keep it as mother had worn it for years - much longer than my grandmother.

I still have it but my cousin has a granddaughter who has a July birthday. I'll most likely leave it to her. My cousin was never rude or nasty about it though. I mainly didn't want her daughter to have it 10 years ago because she was living with a guy who had stepchildren that stole stuff out of the house. The shelf life of that ring would have been pretty short.

 

[rie'smom]

Your aunt is a looney tune.

 

[Pumbaa_]

aren't families fun?

 

[agnes!]

OP - If I were you I would get to Mom's and get that desk out of there ASAP. Your aunt just thought she could bully you out of that desk by calling you up to harass you and she thought that by mentioning the young cousin you would cave. It is interesting that she called you directly...I wonder if she mentioned it to your mom that somehow the aunt just has to have this desk! NOW! You can't have it! (Sounds like she's the one who's having the tantrum, eh?)

Your aunt wants that desk and thinks she somehow deserves that desk, but?...
I can guarantee your young cousin does *not*.

And I agree with many of the other posters' advice up-thread especially Disney Doll, Mystery Machine and TaraPA.

I just wanted to mention that I've seen for myself that folks often over-value what they think are antiques or valuable collectibles that relatives own. Then when it comes time to sell or to get them appraised it's a shock how little these pieces are really worth. (More often than not, it doesn't go the other way, with things being worth oodles and oodles of cash. *Really*.)

TaraPA - Good for you, glad you won your ancestral desk at the auction. "Keeping an item that belonged to my beloved grandmother out of the clutches of greedy relatives?...PRICELESS."

agnes!

 

[Carly_Roach]

I would wish to keep the table but I would also like to keep the peace. I don't know what to do.

This is a case where you can't have both: peace and the table. You have to choose what you want more. Bear in mind that if you give up the table, you may always have resentment toward your aunt until you felt like not resenting it anymore. If you keep the table that has sentimental value to you, your aunt will have resentment toward you until she felt like not resenting you anymore.

If it were me, I'd keep the table unless it had tremendous sentimental value for my aunt. Since apparently it wasn't for sentimental reasons that she wanted it, I'd have no compunctions about keeping it.

Her daughter throwing a tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted wouldn't even enter into my thought process. Neither would the aunt throwing a tantrum.

 

[Pooh67_68]

You cannot "keep the peace" with crappy greedy relatives. Now go and get your table before the aunt works over your mother.

So right, run do not walk and bing the desk home.

 

[MIGrandma]

It's between your mom & your aunt - she gifted it to you, rightfully so. Let your mom deal with your aunt.

Jealousy? Greed? I saw this happen in my family firsthand. My grandparents had a lovely antique desk in their home that I often admired. It had been my great-grandmother's. My grandmother told me I could have the desk when she died, she said it to me in front of my parents. I never assumed there'd be so much drama over this desk!

Fast forward to 2006 - my grandmother died in 2005 & my grandfather soon after in 2006 - when it came time to divide the household items, the 3 siblings (my dad & aunt & uncle) decided they'd each choose the larger items in order of age...since my dad was the oldest he got to choose first & said he wanted the desk for me, since my grandparents had told me I could have it. My greedy uncle flipped a lid - the siblings got in a fight that ended in NO ONE gets ANYTHING - it was all going up for auction sale, they'd split the proceeds. My dad & his sister were so upset, they didn't want it to come to that, but my uncle was just so mean about it. They agreed to the sale to keep the peace in the famly. My uncle told my dad that "if Tara wants the desk she will have to pay for it." I was so hurt! BUT I was bound & determined to get that desk - no matter what the cost, just to spite my uncle (who in the end got 1/3 of all the sale proceeds anyway - grrrrr).

The day of the sale there were 4 people bidding on the desk - an antique dealer, my uncle, my cousin's wife (my greedy uncle's DIL - I'm wondering if he hadn't promised it to her before he knew I wanted it) - and myself. I just kept my hand up the whole time the auctioneer raised the bids - my uncle's & cousin's wife's faces were priceless. They saw I wasn't parting with that desk at any cost. I spent almost a thousand dollars on that desk - and I'm sitting at it right now & would have paid a lot more just so they didn't get it.

A year later my cousin's wife said she didn't even want it for personal or sentimental use, she was going to sell it.

Oh my gosh! How horrible for you!! I'm glad you got the desk though! Sometimes I'm really okay with being an only child!

 

[hereyago]

If your grandfather gave it to your DM, your aunt has not claim to it.

You should tell her your conversation with your DM was an AB conversation and she should C her way out of it.

Family-they are trifiling

 

[OceanAnnie]

If your grandfather gave it to your DM, your aunt has not claim to it.

You should tell her your conversation with your DM was an AB conversation and she should C her way out of it.

Family-they are trifiling

I haven't heard that in years! An oldie but goodie. And so true!

 

[Martha7]

Oh boy, does this sound familiar! When my DM passed away, her sister, (my aunt), made it her practice to swing by and visit my DB, (who now lives in the house), and lay claim to various items. There was a red Tiffany chandelier hanging over the dining room table, which she especially wanted, and claimed that our Grandmother had promised her. Of course, there was no way to verify this. My DB wanted to keep it, but in the end, thought it'd be better to maintain family harmony, and gave it to her. A while later, we found out that she had sold it! That was the end of worrying about her feelings.
Clearly, you need to keep the desk and keep a close eye on your DM's stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if her sister didn't start to wrestle things away from her, now that she has lost out on the desk!

 

[Wishing on a star]

My grandfather gave my mother a lovely antique writing table set that I loved as a child. When she moved away, it went with her and today she called me up to ask if I wanted it because she was going to get a new desk. I happily said yes and even thought of the perfect place to put it, I thanked her and was very content with having it. However, not a few hours later my aunt called me up very upset, she had wanted the desk for her daughter who is only 7 years old. I said I was sorry but I really was looking forward to having that desk and my aunt began to berate me for being selfish. I calmly told her that my mother offered it to me and that I accepted it, it was between her and I. My aunt said that I would not value the desk and I said I would moreso then a child would. She also said "Look, look my daughter is upset over this desk and put up a tantrum" I said I was sorry but there was no way I was giving it up. Now there is drama and I would really wish to get it over with, I like this desk and it would suit my house, plus there is some sentimental value towards it,not to mention that my personal feelings is I would not like to see a piece of antique furniture used by a seven year old with a habit of drawing on things. I kept that part to myself of course. I would wish to keep the table but I would also like to keep the peace. I don't know what to do.

I think you DO know what to do...
What you said in your conversation with your aunt (bolded above) was PERFECT!!!!!
And it shows very clearly that you know what you need to do.

Do NOT... Do NOT... give in to controlling relatives or 7 year old tantrums...

RUN, do not walk, to pick up that table/desk.....

You cannot 'keep the peace' by being a doormat to controlling people who use this kind of 'drama' to get what they want....
It just enables them, and the drama is never ending.

Really, your aunt had no right to even call you about this.

Something tells me that the 7 year old who likes to have tantrums has not fallen far from the tree.

 

[diznygirl]

Who threw the tantrum?


The desk is yours. Please post pictures when it is in your home. It sounds like a lovely piece.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Clearly, you need to keep the desk and keep a close eye on your DM's stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if her sister didn't start to wrestle things away from her, now that she has lost out on the desk!

Yes, if this appears to be a remote possibility that your aunt could be this way, you and your mom need to acknowledge this and be 'proactive'.

 

[Disney Doll]

Once again, MM is right and has hit the nail right on the head...

GO GET THE DESK, NOW!!! before she starts workin' on your mom.

Have nothing further to say about it. Not one further word to anyone, PERIOD.

If your Auntie decides to continue to create hard feelings and estrange herself from her family over this, that is 'her' action and her attitude... you cannot take ownership of that. (Remember, one cannot change or be responsible for anyone else's actions or attitudes... only your own.)

PS: BE PREPARED FOR WHAT IS GOING TO TRANSPIRE IF YOUR MOTHER PASSES AWAY OR BECOMES INFIRM BEFORE THE SISTER.... It is very very common for relatives, such as Aunts and Uncles, to just walk in the residence and 'take what they want'. There have been threads here on the DIS about this exact type of situation over the last couple of years.

Good point Wishing. Make sure your mother's will is very clear in terms of what she wants to have happen with her estate and her things.