All over a table

[Boxley]

My grandfather gave my mother a lovely antique writing table set that I loved as a child. When she moved away, it went with her and today she called me up to ask if I wanted it because she was going to get a new desk. I happily said yes and even thought of the perfect place to put it, I thanked her and was very content with having it. However, not a few hours later my aunt called me up very upset, she had wanted the desk for her daughter who is only 7 years old. I said I was sorry but I really was looking forward to having that desk and my aunt began to berate me for being selfish. I calmly told her that my mother offered it to me and that I accepted it, it was between her and I. My aunt said that I would not value the desk and I said I would moreso then a child would. She also said "Look, look my daughter is upset over this desk and put up a tantrum" I said I was sorry but there was no way I was giving it up. Now there is drama and I would really wish to get it over with, I like this desk and it would suit my house, plus there is some sentimental value towards it,not to mention that my personal feelings is I would not like to see a piece of antique furniture used by a seven year old with a habit of drawing on things. I kept that part to myself of course. I would wish to keep the table but I would also like to keep the peace. I don't know what to do.

 

[MinnieTink]

I hate drama. Is this your moms sister? You should get the desk and let your mom deal with the cranky aunt who had no business calling you selfish. Did she really think because the kid had a tantrum that you would say Oh my! A tantrum! Well then of course she must have the desk! Don't worry tho. These things have a way of working out.

 

[AllyBri]

I'm lost.

This desk belonged to your Mom and then she gave it to you. I cannot imagine why your aunt would think she should have it.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Your grandfather gave the desk to your mother, and your mother gave the desk to you - a desk you very much wanted.

Your cousin is being pretty presumptuous to think that you should give it up just because she wants it for her daughter. In my opinion she is out of line here. She had no right to tell you that you won't value that desk.

You may want peace, but it seems to me that peace is not very high priority for your cousin to put you in the position of being guilted (wrongly so) to give up something you like for her, regardless of her reasons.

I think you have every right to keep the desk, and I don't think you should give it up to your cousin, especially since she is acting like such a brat about it.

 

[Boxley]

I'm lost.

This desk belonged to your Mom and then she gave it to you. I cannot imagine why your aunt would think she should have it.

? That is my confusion too,but I am thinking that maybe there were some communication problem between them. Maybe my mom said "If she doesn't want it you can have it" and perhaps something got mixed up, I don't know.

 

[Randi]

If I am understanding your post, you & your cousin shared a grandfather. If your grandfather was the one giving the table away, your cousin would have as much right to it as you do.

However, the table was given to your mother years ago. It is hers to give to whomever she pleases. The logical choice would be to offer it to her daughter. If you didn't want it, she could then offer it to your cousin.

If I were you, I wouldn't even consider giving it up. Your cousin had a lot of nerve to suggest that you should. Don't let her get to you. I know that is easier said than done, but she will get over it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I said I was sorry but there was no way I was giving it up.

You have nothing for which to be sorry. I agree with Mary Jo's chain of ownership - grandfather to BoxleyMom to Boxley.

My grandmother left me (directly) a ring. My cousin claims I should loan it to her and that she'll see it gets back into my family when she dies. Right.

Anyway, Boxley, MAYBE, someday, in the distant future, when you find yourself in a similar situation to your mom's - downsizing, redecorating, whatever - you might consider giving the desk to your grown-by-then cousin. Or not. It's YOURS. Period.

 

[barkley]

your grandfather gifted it your mother-she wishes you to have it. it's rightly yours.

i have an antique writing desk that was my great grandmothers-she brought it from ireland. when i was a young child my mother's elderly aunt chose to gift it to my mother vs. my aunt (they were the only children from my grandfather; the aunt was the widow of his elder brother and they had no children). when i had been married several years my mother passed it on to me vs. any of my brothers (none of us had children at the time) and shared that she was doing it in large part because she feared that if something happened to her she did'nt want my aunt to try to lay claim to it. i did'nt become privey to the reason it was gifted to my mother vs. my aunt and then to me until many years later-my great aunt reccognized that my mother would cherish the item as she had, and hoped it would become an item passed down vs. being abused or potentialy sold. my great aunt had concerns that my aunt would not take what she perceived as appropriate stewardship over the peice and gifted it to my mother. my mother apparantly has the same opinion of me and i became the recipient.

a 7 year old whose tantrums are rewarded with an antique inappropriate for her to use is not the steward who should own it. the adult parent of a 7 year old who would reward their tantrum with an antique place the value of possessing it above the value of it's sentiment.

take the desk and when your time comes to pass it on choose wisely.

 

[Mermaid02]

It's your desk- keep it and enjoy it. A 7year old would ruin it anyway-gum, ink, carving etc. I suspect your cousin wants the desk, not her child.

 

[clutter]

My aunt said that I would not value the desk and I said I would moreso then a child would. She also said "Look, look my daughter is upset over this desk and put up a tantrum"

That where the child lost the desk forevermore.

 

[Christine]

This is your aunt correct? Not your cousin? I thought your post said "aunt" but everyone else is saying your cousin? Maybe because the 7 y/o is your cousin. I am confused.

So, maybe if this your aunt, she feels that she somehow owns that desk too since it was her father's? Whatever the case, she is out of line and there is no way that you can "make peace" except to give into her.

 

[cinmell]

Your grandfather gave the desk to your mother, and your mother gave the desk to you - a desk you very much wanted.

Your cousin is being pretty presumptuous to think that you should give it up just because she wants it for her daughter. In my opinion she is out of line here. She had no right to tell you that you won't value that desk.

You may want peace, but it seems to me that peace is not very high priority for your cousin to put you in the position of being guilted (wrongly so) to give up something you like for her, regardless of her reasons.

I think you have every right to keep the desk, and I don't think you should give it up to your cousin, especially since she is acting like such a brat about it.

Exactly! Keep the desk and do not feel guilty about it. It was given to your mother and if she wants to give it to you, she should. You will treasure it and take care of it more than a 7 year old. Or, sounds like your aunt is the one who wants it and is using the 7 year old as an excuse. Too bad, it was your mom's now it's yours. I would not give in to your aunt.

 

[MIGrandma]

The desk was given to your mother. Your mother is giving it to you. The end.

Your aunt has absolutely no right to it, unless you didn't want it, but you do want it so it should be yours. If I were you I would not give in to the aunt, who wants it for her 7-year old daughter. A 7-year old doesn't realize the value of antique furniture. She wouldn't take proper care of it. Your aunt was in the wrong when she called you about it.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would keep the desk. The person that wants it isn't the child. The aunt *might* have talked it up to the 7 year old until she wanted it. But honestly, I don't know of a single 7 year old that would get worked up over an antique desk. It sounds like your aunt is quite the manipulator. She created her mess with her child. She will fix it one way or another.

Keep the desk.

 

[dispor]

Your mom could give the desk to whoever she wanted, and she chose you.

I am curious, though - how did your Aunt find out about this just hours after it happened?

Agree with the others who say the Aunt wants the desk, not the child. And yes, a child that age would ruin the desk. My kids are not at all destructive, but their desks do have marks and scratches all over them.

 

[barkley]

Your mom could give the desk to whoever she wanted, and she chose you.

I am curious, though - how did your Aunt find out about this just hours after it happened?

Agree with the others who say the Aunt wants the desk, not the child. And yes, a child that age would ruin the desk. My kids are not at all destructive, but their desks do have marks and scratches all over them.

if the op's mom is anything like mine she may have been having a totaly unrelated phone conversation with her sister and just mentioned it which set the sister off. i know my mom's not the type that would call someone to tell them this specificaly-it would just be among the 'daily doin's' she would share with any family members she happened to talk to during the course of the day.

i wonder-is mom aware that her sister made this call? wonder what her take on the situation is.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Call her back and tell her that you just had a tantrum so you must keep the desk.

The desk is yours. Your aunt just wants it to have it. No other reason. I speak from experience. People like that can't stand the thought of anyone getting anything. It could have been a roll of toilet paper and they would have been mad.
Keep it and enjoy.

 

[Disney Doll]

Here's the thing Boxley...the desk was your mother's and she chose to give it to you. So now, the desk is yours.

I wouldn't give in to aunt's badgering, nor would I give in to the tantrum of a 7 year.

Your aunt is manipulative. The way to deal with manipulative people is to decide what you are going to say and say it repeatedly until they realize that you are not going to change your mind.

In this case, the response to aunt should be "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it". When the aunt says "But I want my daughter to have the desk" the response is "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it". When aunt says "But my daughter is throwing a tantrum about it", the response is "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it". When aunt says "You're selfish for keeping the desk from a 7 year old" the response is "Mom gave the desk to me and I will be keeping it".

Do not veer from that sentence. Do not try and justify anything, do not apologize, do not get into any discussion with her about it at all. You have done nothing wrong, so don't act like you did. An don't worry about "family harmony" because clearly your aunt isn't worrying about it, now is she????? Manipulative people always end up getting their way because everyone else worries about "harmony".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You cannot "keep the peace" with crappy greedy relatives. Now go and get your table before the aunt works over your mother.

 

[TaraPA]

It's between your mom & your aunt - she gifted it to you, rightfully so. Let your mom deal with your aunt.

Jealousy? Greed? I saw this happen in my family firsthand. My grandparents had a lovely antique desk in their home that I often admired. It had been my great-grandmother's. My grandmother told me I could have the desk when she died, she said it to me in front of my parents. I never assumed there'd be so much drama over this desk!

Fast forward to 2006 - my grandmother died in 2005 & my grandfather soon after in 2006 - when it came time to divide the household items, the 3 siblings (my dad & aunt & uncle) decided they'd each choose the larger items in order of age...since my dad was the oldest he got to choose first & said he wanted the desk for me, since my grandparents had told me I could have it. My greedy uncle flipped a lid - the siblings got in a fight that ended in NO ONE gets ANYTHING - it was all going up for auction sale, they'd split the proceeds. My dad & his sister were so upset, they didn't want it to come to that, but my uncle was just so mean about it. They agreed to the sale to keep the peace in the famly. My uncle told my dad that "if Tara wants the desk she will have to pay for it." I was so hurt! BUT I was bound & determined to get that desk - no matter what the cost, just to spite my uncle (who in the end got 1/3 of all the sale proceeds anyway - grrrrr).

The day of the sale there were 4 people bidding on the desk - an antique dealer, my uncle, my cousin's wife (my greedy uncle's DIL - I'm wondering if he hadn't promised it to her before he knew I wanted it) - and myself. I just kept my hand up the whole time the auctioneer raised the bids - my uncle's & cousin's wife's faces were priceless. They saw I wasn't parting with that desk at any cost. I spent almost a thousand dollars on that desk - and I'm sitting at it right now & would have paid a lot more just so they didn't get it.

A year later my cousin's wife said she didn't even want it for personal or sentimental use, she was going to sell it.