Aging Dad--Trying to start helping but.... (long)

[aviva5675]

Im sure many of you have gone through this so Im looking for help and advice! My 80 year old father lives alone in an assisted living building (so not technically alone). He has his own apartment there, kitchen, laundry etc. Eats most meals down in the dining room. Is still driving, which is another story.

Anyway, he has his share of medical problems, but has been able to divvy up his very confusing pills for the week and go to Dr appointments. Now we (me and my brother ) feel he is getting a little confused, or in general just having a harder time dealing with that stuff. We have suggested several times we get someone to come up from the building to divvy the pills. A tiny step towards getting assistance in his day to day life. He refuses saying he is capable of doing it. We want to start going to his medical appointments and doing his pills...

So===how to get him to agree? He gets angry/defensive when we bring it up--and says if he gets confused he will say so and start getting assistance. But how would he even know? So do we keep just cajoling him till he agrees or try to play hardball and say,no, we are going to do this from now on. Obviously we dont want to alienate him. Thanks for your help!!

 

[Wall-E1]

Maybe instead of hiring somebody from the outside, you could pay a little extra to one of the workers at the facility to keep an extra eye on your dad(help with pills and other things). If it is someone he already knows, maybe he will be more comfortable getting the extra assistance. Just don't tell him that you are paying someone else. Have him think that the worker is just being nice.

 

[MIGrandma]

Around here, helping them with their pills, is part of the assisted living program. But maybe it's not that way where you are?

If I were you, I'd sit down with him and explain how concerned we were about the medications. Are you able to see him on a weekly basis? You could get a pill-minder box (divided into 7 sections, one for each day) and put his daily medications in that. Or two, if he has morning meds and evening meds. Maybe that would help? And if he got angry with me, so be it. I would rather help him with his meds, if he wants the help or not, instead of not do anything and then have him take the wrong things at the wrong time or something, you know? Good luck! It's hard, I know.

 

[glitterkittyy]

Im sure many of you have gone through this so Im looking for help and advice! My 80 year old father lives alone in an assisted living building (so not technically alone). He has his own apartment there, kitchen, laundry etc. Eats most meals down in the dining room. Is still driving, which is another story.

Anyway, he has his share of medical problems, but has been able to divvy up his very confusing pills for the week and go to Dr appointments. Now we (me and my brother ) feel he is getting a little confused, or in general just having a harder time dealing with that stuff. We have suggested several times we get someone to come up from the building to divvy the pills. A tiny step towards getting assistance in his day to day life. He refuses saying he is capable of doing it. We want to start going to his medical appointments and doing his pills...

So===how to get him to agree? He gets angry/defensive when we bring it up--and says if he gets confused he will say so and start getting assistance. But how would he even know? So do we keep just cajoling him till he agrees or try to play hardball and say,no, we are going to do this from now on. Obviously we dont want to alienate him. Thanks for your help!!

I had to play hardball with my mom (she's 78). I took over pill duty this past summer. She just wasn't doing it right, taking pills too many times in a day or not taking them because she couldn't remember. I got her a pill box at Walmart that had morning, afternoon and evening partitions and I divide up her pills every weekend so she has them for the week. She didn't like it at first, but she's okay with it now because her doctor said her levels are much much better. I have her leave them on the counter near the cabinet where she keeps her dishes. Then she sees them when she's making her meals or getting a drink, etc.

I also had to take over her bills about three months ago. She was paying things two or three times and not paying others. It took me about a month to get it straightened out.

It's a hard situation. Good luck to you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Are you able to hire someone to help thru the assisted living or does he have to?

If you did hire someone and tell him that he is going to get some help would he refuse?

Or maybe you can get the person that would be the one helping him out and talk with him about it? Instead of you guys talking maybe he will respond to someone else better?

 

[aviva5675]

He has the weekly pill boxes, 3 - cause he takes pills 3 times a day. So he is doing that but we are concerned it isnt right all the time. The building has an office where you can arrange individual services, like helping with the pills, so that part is easy, or my brother would do it. We thought we would try to talk to him another time or two and hope he will agree, and then just figure out how to start doing it if he refuses.... Maybe the idea of just setting up the person from the building is a good idea. and tell him they will be there this day, certain time...But what if he wont talk to them? I mean, he isnt that stubborn or rude....probably!

 

[C.Ann]

He has the weekly pill boxes, 3 - cause he takes pills 3 times a day. So he is doing that but we are concerned it isnt right all the time. The building has an office where you can arrange individual services, like helping with the pills, so that part is easy, or my brother would do it. We thought we would try to talk to him another time or two and hope he will agree, and then just figure out how to start doing it if he refuses.... Maybe the idea of just setting up the person from the building is a good idea. and tell him they will be there this day, certain time...But what if he wont talk to them? I mean, he isnt that stubborn or rude....probably!

How about you just set it up - don't say a word to him - and see what happens? Maybe he won't be as hostile to someone else - you know?

Good luck!

 

[NotUrsula]

At the center my Mom was in, if they found out that residents were having trouble keeping up with meds, the case managers could mandate that they get them dispensed in nursing home packaging; essentially it is a HUGE blister card that has each dosage marked with the date and time; it is often called a "bingo card." Here's what it looks like:

It may cost a bit more to get them done this way, but I believe that if his physician writes the scrip to require it, the pharmacy will have to comply.
If you call his doctor and tell the physician that you think he's mixing up or missing meds because he can't keep them straight, the physician may be able to help in spite of what Dad thinks.

Good luck! I've BTDT. and it is HUGELY stressful trying to help and getting rebuffed all the time, and worrying about it constantly.

 

[yoopermom]

NotUrsula, I'm really coming to think that there is NOTHING you don't know! My 99yo DGM has had pill problems, and I'm emailing my mom the link for the blister pack you show, how marvelous! Thank you!!

Terri

 

[aviva5675]

I never knew they could do that--put them pre done into a blister pack. That seems awesome, Im going to check into it. Keep the ideas coming, people! Thanks so much.

 

[Traveliz]

At the center my Mom was in, if they found out that residents were having trouble keeping up with meds, the case managers could mandate that they get them dispensed in nursing home packaging; essentially it is a HUGE blister card that has each dosage marked with the date and time; it is often called a "bingo card." Here's what it looks like:

It may cost a bit more to get them done this way, but I believe that if his physician writes the scrip to require it, the pharmacy will have to comply.
If you call his doctor and tell the physician that you think he's mixing up or missing meds because he can't keep them straight, the physician may be able to help in spite of what Dad thinks.

Good luck! I've BTDT. and it is HUGELY stressful trying to help and getting rebuffed all the time, and worrying about it constantly.

The assisted living center my dad lives in has the pills set up that way for the residents. My dad has a box on his table and they just come out in order of what he needs when. There is no extra charge for this. Additionally the center will go as far as knock on the door for reminders for pills or come in and watch the residents take them if there is a concern that is needed.

Liz

 

[aviva5675]

I guess I miststated slightly : he is in an independent living place..so not at the next level of assisted. But they can provide various services to help out, paid for as needed, so that they can stay in their apartments as long as possible. Which is the path he is heading towards. So what if he has a bit of help here and there? Better than having to move..... but how can we convince him- it comes back to that.

 

[Disney Doll]

Would the "Dad it would make me feel better if you would let us do this" bit work?

I know that when my mother fell and was giving me grief about going to the doctor, I basically guilted her into by saying "So now I am going to look like a bad daughter and feel terrible because you are too stubborn to go to the doctor. Thanks for the added stress Mom". She relented because the one thing my mother doesn't want to do is add stress to our lives.

 

[aviva5675]

It might work, or help...I think if my mother was still around she would be doing the pills and other things. Dad is doing well mentally for the most part, but 8 different prescriptions would confuse me too...any indication, according to HIM, that he is not capable any more / losing his independence makes him upset.

 

[Abbie]

I guess I miststated slightly : he is in an independent living place..so not at the next level of assisted. But they can provide various services to help out, paid for as needed, so that they can stay in their apartments as long as possible. Which is the path he is heading towards. So what if he has a bit of help here and there? Better than having to move..... but how can we convince him- it comes back to that.

If worse comes to worst, you can resort to threats! Mom is also in a place exactly as you describe. After spending a month in their Health Center when she was ill, she will do anything to remain independent in her apartment, so if she ever gets recalcitrant about taking her meds or whatever, we just remind her that she wants to stay in her apartment as long as possible. That gets her back on track. Maybe you can point out to Dad that if the place where he lives becomes aware he is not taking his meds as directed, he may be forced to move.

Another option would be to contact his physician directly. Although they won't speak to you unless they have his permission, they can suggest to him that he have someone come up to administer his medications. Somehow it always seems to have a ring of authority coming from the doctor instead of a child!

 

[Abbie]

Would the "Dad it would make me feel better if you would let us do this" bit work?

I know that when my mother fell and was giving me grief about going to the doctor, I basically guilted her into by saying "So now I am going to look like a bad daughter and feel terrible because you are too stubborn to go to the doctor. Thanks for the added stress Mom". She relented because the one thing my mother doesn't want to do is add stress to our lives.

 

[aviva5675]

Yeah his Dr is going to talk to him too, I thought the same--that maybe if it comes from him he will give in easier. Thanks for all the thoughts people!

 

[manning]

Around here if someone needs supervision with medication the medication is kept by the home. The most they can do is bring it to you, hand it to you and remind you to take it. They cannot force you to take it.