Advice!?

[Diva of Dragons]

Yeah I'm young, I'm 16. thanks for all the advice so far

OMG! Please spend this time being young and learning who you are!! I wish I had focussed less on relationships and more on having fun at your age!! I missed out on a lot!! The 9 year relationship I spoke of earlier, started when I was 15. What a waste. We are now in our early 40s, and technically still freinds, but it was my total focus and it didn't last anyway.

Just be YOU and eventually you will attract a guy who is just being HIM and you'll be both be all the happier for it!!

 

[kdm31091]

Now he claims maybe he'll find a way to get here to come to the beach with me this time again.

My feelings are super mixed. First of all, the trip's in late July -- romantically, I should be more than over him by then.

Then I wonder...a VERY similar situation occured last year.

We were broken up when he came for the one week last summer. We'd been broken up a few weeks and I was basically over him, but he got here and all of a sudden he was the best thing since sliced bread, and I immediately got back together with him. Then he said he'd move for sure (reaffirming the plans that had been broken when we'd broken up...)

Fast foward to almost literally an exact year later. It's mid June again, same time this happened before...I'm sad, but I'll be over him by the time beach time comes around.

However, if he comes back during beach time, two things could happen. First of all I could fall for him again but he doesn't do it back, thus making me devastated again, or I could fall again and he would reciprocate, but just lead me on, eventually devastating me again.

Should I try to pursue getting him to come to the beach, or drop it?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Kevin -

how old is this guy - the one from California?

 

[Tiziminchac]

Should I try to pursue getting him to come to the beach, or drop it?

I think you should forget him and go on with life.

 

[JadenLayne]

I would like to know how old this guy is too. Is he as young as you? If so he can't move without his parents. I have a son 15 and believe me there is so much ahead for you in life. Relationships can wait!!!! Finish school, go to college, GET RICH AND GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT......then worry about finding someone!

Good luck!

 

[kdm31091]

BTW all, he's 18.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'd like to know his age too. (I see from your post, 18) Sounds like he has his pattern down. Now that you are on to it, is that the way you want to be treated? Dating is for finding out what you want in a companion. You don't want to keep reliving the pain this guy dishes out.

Go have some fun! Find out what you like and find people that have the same interests. The rest will fall into place. Avoid people that present themselves as one thing and show themselves to be another. Be good to yourself!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

well - ok, this is my advice.

He has broken up with you. That is sad and it hurts. You need to take awhile to sit back and let that process for awhile. Don't fall into that maybe we aren't together, maybe we are together trap. Living your life like that is toxic. It will tear your soul apart if you don't put an end to it NOW. End the relationship for good, take your memories, and get on with your life, NOW.

There is no reason to feel that certain places and events aren't supposed to make you feel sad -- because sad is a perfectly natural reaction. Go right ahead and feel sad.

As for the "sweet guy" that you are being rude to. Stop being rude, but explain to him that at this point in your life you just can't handle anything deeper than a casual friendship.

 

[Mono~rail]

kdm, sorry you are having a rough time, but it is good to see you around again!

 

[Fantasmic303]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I work in a child guidance clinic and, unfortunately, stories like yours about your ex are all too common.

So he's 18 now, and you're 16. Which means last year, when he was 17, he picked up to come and visit you, a 15 year old, living clear across the country, someone he met online?

Please tell me I misunderstood the story, because if that's the case...all sorts of alarms are going off, and you really need to back away from these unhealthy relationships and find healthier, REAL friendships (and eventually more serious relationships) amongst people in your real life.

I have several close friends who are gay - none of them, at 16, were openly comfortable about their sexuality. It might be hard for you to connect in that romantic way with people you know in your real life because of that (which will get easier as you get older and your social circle broadens to include people who are as comfortable being gay as you are - which, btw, is pretty mature of you), but trust me - you shouldn't be looking to fill that void with people you can't filter.

 

[dimimi]

Here's my advice. Dating is supposed to be fun! If you aren't having fun with the person you are dating...move on! When you are 16, there shouldn't be this much drama. You should be hanging out and just enjoying life.

Think about it logically, if things aren't wonderful when you are dating, what will they be like as you get older, have a lot of responsibilities, job responsibilities, etc.

I also think at 16 you should just be enjoying friends. I teach high school and I'm concerned about how many kids have to have a significant other. Just have fun! You have your whole life to devote to one person and that typically doesn't happen until both people are a bit more settled.

I hope you have a great summer!

 

[kdm31091]

I feel better now.

We had a looong talk, and he's just NOT the same kind of person as I am. He is not one for emotional involvement, but more just the physical things. He wants benefits of a relationship (not in a slutty way, just the good things) without risking any of the bad -- thus, he leaves his emotions out and just goes with everything. That's why he lied about those things -- it required less energy and emotional investment then not lying would have. He's just not a partner person and doubts he'll be with anyone, boy or girl, ever again.

Even his friends, he really only wants to have fun with--doesn't care much emotionally about them and just wants lighthearted fun. If they asked about serious things, like his sexuality, he wouldn't want to discuss it.

I'm glad I helped him learn so much. I'm still sad, but I can see it ending now.

I'm sad because I lost so much time with him, thinking he was something he obviously wasn't and thinking I had the right guy when really he just molded himself to fit me because it was easier at the time (guess he doesn't see consequences in advance) -- I'm sad that that's a year and a half I'll never get back.

I still will get sad when I see the hotel, I'll still feel sad -- but I'll know it was just him being something he wasn't, and not what I thought it was -- which makes it better. The sad twinges will dwindle and not consume me. Eventually, it will be blown over.

But I'm happy, you know why?

He won't do it to anyone else.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I'm glad you are starting to feel some peace about this already. I'm actually curious now about his past.. It sounds like he has been pretty seriously traumatized and has a kind of attachment disorder. Or, he is just still very young, conflicted, and he'll grow of this phase of his life.

Regardless, move forward and heal. You'll be perfectly fine!

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I work in a child guidance clinic and, unfortunately, stories like yours about your ex are all too common.

So he's 18 now, and you're 16. Which means last year, when he was 17, he picked up to come and visit you, a 15 year old, living clear across the country, someone he met online?

Please tell me I misunderstood the story, because if that's the case...all sorts of alarms are going off, and you really need to back away from these unhealthy relationships and find healthier, REAL friendships (and eventually more serious relationships) amongst people in your real life.

I have several close friends who are gay - none of them, at 16, were openly comfortable about their sexuality. It might be hard for you to connect in that romantic way with people you know in your real life because of that (which will get easier as you get older and your social circle broadens to include people who are as comfortable being gay as you are - which, btw, is pretty mature of you), but trust me - you shouldn't be looking to fill that void with people you can't filter.

Great post!

 

[JunieJay]

Teen love is the HARDEST to get over. I was absolutely head over heels for my first real boyfriend. 25 years later I still remember the hurt.

First, let the "sweet guy" be your friend, but don't jump into anything. No sense in going there right now while you are still so hurt. Don't push away someone who wants to help you.

As for your ex.... he's not a "quality" person as my Mom's friend would say. Lying is probably just ONE of his bad qualities and you don't need that! Hold your head up high and just keep telling yourself that you deserve BETTER than that. Tell yourself that until you believe it!!

I couldn't have said it better! Good luck OP!

 

[kdm31091]

Ok, the better feeling was short lived. I feel nauseous and hopeless now.

Sorry to put it in caps, but it's bugging me so bad--

HOW DO I STOP CARING WHEN HE HANGS OUT WITH FRIENDS? HOW DO I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? HOW DO I LET MYSELF FORGET AND NOT CARE WHAT HE DOES OR THINKS OR SAYS TO THEM?

I'm going absolutely insane.

 

[sunee]

Ok, the better feeling was short lived. I feel nauseous and hopeless now.

Sorry to put it in caps, but it's bugging me so bad--

HOW DO I STOP CARING WHEN HE HANGS OUT WITH FRIENDS? HOW DO I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? HOW DO I LET MYSELF FORGET AND NOT CARE WHAT HE DOES OR THINKS OR SAYS TO THEM?

I'm going absolutely insane.

You stop obsessing and get involved in other things.

Dude, a whole lot of DISers told you before that you shouldn't get all hung up on some online guy because he could very well be lying, etc. You didn't listen then, so I don't know why you'll listen now, but here goes...

Stop obsessing. Go for walks, watch movies, go out with friends. Anytime your sadness comes into your head, start doing math in your head or on paper. You're in high school, so this might be easy and beneficial!! Math takes concentration.

Exercise. It is hard to think about anything when you're working out.

Wash a car or the toilet or whatever.

Do any dang thing. Just don't sit around thinking about it.

Good luck.

 

[punkin]

Ok, the better feeling was short lived. I feel nauseous and hopeless now.

Sorry to put it in caps, but it's bugging me so bad--

HOW DO I STOP CARING WHEN HE HANGS OUT WITH FRIENDS? HOW DO I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? HOW DO I LET MYSELF FORGET AND NOT CARE WHAT HE DOES OR THINKS OR SAYS TO THEM?

I'm going absolutely insane.

you need a hug and a friend to talk to. Breakups are hard (good god did I just write that? now I'll never get that song out of my head). It takes time to heal and you WILL be thinking about him and care about what he is doing for a while. Eventually, it will get easier.

You are not going insane. You are 15 and have had a bad romance. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I prescribe a pint of chocolate chocolate chip Haagen Daaz (how do you spell that?) and a good long cry. Or maybe that only works for teenaged girls?

Hang in there.

 

[hlbtimes2]

Dump looser liar ex and give the nice guy a chance!

 

[Serena]

Of course it hurts. Half the songs out there about love and the other half is about hurt.
You did not waste your time. Take a good long look at what you learned about yourself. What you want and what you don't want for yourself and in a mate. And you'll learn what you will and what you won't put up with.

Take some friends and go to those places that remind you of where you went together and make some new memories. Not right away if it hurts too much, but soon.

Most of all, give yourself time and permission to hurt. To feel bad, to feel the loss. If you deny it it usually comes back to bite you in your ***.

Then go forward.