Advice - Serious Relationship Conflict

[supercarrie]

I could really use opinions on how best to deal with this situation.

A bit of background:
I am American and my husband is British. We met five years ago in the UK, and after 2.5 years of a long distance relationship, married in March 2008. Before getting married, we agreed that we would live until the end of 2010 in the UK, and then move to the US for a few years, before ultimately deciding where we would settle permanently to raise children.

I am extremely close to my family in CA. Although I have built up a great life in the UK, including a good job and close friends, I have had a very hard time being without my family and US friends. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and since then, it has been even harder to live away from them. (Not to mention, missing out on my little sister being a teenager, my niece and nephew growing up, etc.)

A few months ago, I brought up planning our move back to the US. At that time, he said he wasn’t ready to move, even though it is what we agreed, and asked if we could push back the move to end of 2012. I didn’t really agree, but agreed we could push back the date, just not sure I’d want to wait another 2.5 years.

Note, we have also been having a hard time in our marriage for other reasons; mainly, he has been verbally abusive in the past and there has been a general feeling that he has not been considering both of our needs in the marriage. These are things we have been working on and overall, they have been improving, but we’ve also have a number of major fights recently as well.

I’ve just come home from a trip home and had a REALLY hard time leaving. I tried to discuss with him about firmly setting a date as to when we would plan to move, and suggested sometime in the 2nd half of 2011.

He has flat out refused to even consider this, and initially started out by saying we move in 2012 as he wants, and only spend 3 years in the US (time it takes him to get his citizenship) or we should just divorce now. He compromised a bit by saying move in 2012 but I can take a number of trips home next year to tide me over, but refuses to discuss moving next year. The reason I mention “a number of trips” is that I took two this year – one to NYC and one home, and he complained that this was “excessive” and took time away from him, and too much money, and that I shouldn’t need to visit that often and they should come visit instead. (My mom and dad both visited this year as well.)

Note, there is no real reason why practically we could not move next year – we have plenty of money in savings, no job ties, and good prospects for employment in CA, even in this economy. We would need to sell or rent out our house (rent, most likely) but have enough in savings to let the house sit empty for 1.5 years if we had to.

I am now at quite a bit of a loss as to what to do. I would never have agreed to marry him if I knew it meant being away from my family for an indefinite period of time – and I was definitely being a bit naive in not knowing how much it would affect me, particularly as I’ve gotten older and realised how important being close to them is to me. The fact that he has brought up divorce as a “solution” has also thrown me.

I guess the point is – what do you think is realistic of me to expect? Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to empathize with how much being this far away from my family affects me? And long-term, if you couldn’t agree with your spouse as to where to live – what would you do?

 

[rwdavis2]

Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to empathize with how much being this far away from my family affects me? And long-term, if you couldn’t agree with your spouse as to where to live – what would you do?

Yes, you are being unrealistic. He obviously does not want to live in the USA and I could see this issue as conflict until you either give in or get divorced.
BD

 

[Christine]

I could really use opinions on how best to deal with this situation.

A bit of background:
I am American and my husband is British. We met five years ago in the UK, and after 2.5 years of a long distance relationship, married in March 2008. Before getting married, we agreed that we would live until the end of 2010 in the UK, and then move to the US for a few years, before ultimately deciding where we would settle permanently to raise children.

I am extremely close to my family in CA. Although I have built up a great life in the UK, including a good job and close friends, I have had a very hard time being without my family and US friends. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and since then, it has been even harder to live away from them. (Not to mention, missing out on my little sister being a teenager, my niece and nephew growing up, etc.)

A few months ago, I brought up planning our move back to the US. At that time, he said he wasn’t ready to move, even though it is what we agreed, and asked if we could push back the move to end of 2012. I didn’t really agree, but agreed we could push back the date, just not sure I’d want to wait another 2.5 years.

Note, we have also been having a hard time in our marriage for other reasons; mainly, he has been verbally abusive in the past and there has been a general feeling that he has not been considering both of our needs in the marriage. These are things we have been working on and overall, they have been improving, but we’ve also have a number of major fights recently as well.

I’ve just come home from a trip home and had a REALLY hard time leaving. I tried to discuss with him about firmly setting a date as to when we would plan to move, and suggested sometime in the 2nd half of 2011.

He has flat out refused to even consider this, and initially started out by saying we move in 2012 as he wants, and only spend 3 years in the US (time it takes him to get his citizenship) or we should just divorce now. He compromised a bit by saying move in 2012 but I can take a number of trips home next year to tide me over, but refuses to discuss moving next year. The reason I mention “a number of trips” is that I took two this year – one to NYC and one home, and he complained that this was “excessive” and took time away from him, and too much money, and that I shouldn’t need to visit that often and they should come visit instead. (My mom and dad both visited this year as well.)

Note, there is no real reason why practically we could not move next year – we have plenty of money in savings, no job ties, and good prospects for employment in CA, even in this economy. We would need to sell or rent out our house (rent, most likely) but have enough in savings to let the house sit empty for 1.5 years if we had to.

I am now at quite a bit of a loss as to what to do. I would never have agreed to marry him if I knew it meant being away from my family for an indefinite period of time – and I was definitely being a bit naive in not knowing how much it would affect me, particularly as I’ve gotten older and realised how important being close to them is to me. The fact that he has brought up divorce as a “solution” has also thrown me.

I guess the point is – what do you think is realistic of me to expect? Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to empathize with how much being this far away from my family affects me? And long-term, if you couldn’t agree with your spouse as to where to live – what would you do?

Can you be more specific about what his reasons are for not being ready to leave?

 

[lovemygoofy]

I want some more details. I have an answer but before I discuss I have more questions.


Why doesn't he want to move back with you?

Does he ever go back to visit with you?

How are you improving your relationship if he is verbally abusive?

Why do you feel he puts his needs/wants above your own other than the not moving back?

Do you think he is still the guy you fell in love with?

What would you say to your sister or best friend that was married to a guy that did these things?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I could really use opinions on how best to deal with this situation.

A bit of background:
I am American and my husband is British. We met five years ago in the UK, and after 2.5 years of a long distance relationship, married in March 2008. Before getting married, we agreed that we would live until the end of 2010 in the UK, and then move to the US for a few years, before ultimately deciding where we would settle permanently to raise children.

I am extremely close to my family in CA. Although I have built up a great life in the UK, including a good job and close friends, I have had a very hard time being without my family and US friends. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and since then, it has been even harder to live away from them. (Not to mention, missing out on my little sister being a teenager, my niece and nephew growing up, etc.)

A few months ago, I brought up planning our move back to the US. At that time, he said he wasn’t ready to move, even though it is what we agreed, and asked if we could push back the move to end of 2012. I didn’t really agree, but agreed we could push back the date, just not sure I’d want to wait another 2.5 years.

Note, we have also been having a hard time in our marriage for other reasons; mainly, he has been verbally abusive in the past and there has been a general feeling that he has not been considering both of our needs in the marriage. These are things we have been working on and overall, they have been improving, but we’ve also have a number of major fights recently as well.

I’ve just come home from a trip home and had a REALLY hard time leaving. I tried to discuss with him about firmly setting a date as to when we would plan to move, and suggested sometime in the 2nd half of 2011.

He has flat out refused to even consider this, and initially started out by saying we move in 2012 as he wants, and only spend 3 years in the US (time it takes him to get his citizenship) or we should just divorce now. He compromised a bit by saying move in 2012 but I can take a number of trips home next year to tide me over, but refuses to discuss moving next year. The reason I mention “a number of trips” is that I took two this year – one to NYC and one home, and he complained that this was “excessive” and took time away from him, and too much money, and that I shouldn’t need to visit that often and they should come visit instead. (My mom and dad both visited this year as well.)

Note, there is no real reason why practically we could not move next year – we have plenty of money in savings, no job ties, and good prospects for employment in CA, even in this economy. We would need to sell or rent out our house (rent, most likely) but have enough in savings to let the house sit empty for 1.5 years if we had to.

I am now at quite a bit of a loss as to what to do. I would never have agreed to marry him if I knew it meant being away from my family for an indefinite period of time – and I was definitely being a bit naive in not knowing how much it would affect me, particularly as I’ve gotten older and realised how important being close to them is to me. The fact that he has brought up divorce as a “solution” has also thrown me.

I guess the point is – what do you think is realistic of me to expect? Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to empathize with how much being this far away from my family affects me? And long-term, if you couldn’t agree with your spouse as to where to live – what would you do?

I would divorce him.

Reason is that he is uncompromising and this will go on forever. It is clear that you two are not in agreement and that is not going to change.

I would start a new life and let him go.

That being said, I would move anywhere with my dh and not care. I am a "mover".

This has nothing to do with moving and has everything to do with how you operate as a couple. You are not in agreement and if you don't have that, you don't have a marriage. That is jmo. I have been married almost 20yrs.

 

[supercarrie]

Can you be more specific about what his reasons are for not being ready to leave?

I have asked him, because I was curious myself. His story has changed a bit - first it was the London Olympics being in 2012, and then he said he actually didn't care about that. Then he said he didn't want to try to rent the house out, but when I suggested we look into hiring someone to do it for us, he changed his story again and now is just saying he "doesn't feel ready" yet.

 

[mster425]

I don't like using divorce threats or ultimatums in a marriage, so I might respond really immaturely to that threat.

Assuming you are more mature than I am, I guess the best you can do is believe what he is telling you. That he under no circumstances wants to move before 2012 (would rather get divorced, in fact) and he may only be moving there to get citizenship.

I think he should be more empathetic. I am not especially close to my family but 2 trips/year doesn't seem like a lot.

As far as location goes- I want to be where DH is. He IS my family. I love both sets of parents but home, ultimately, is where is he is.

Having said that, I think your DH is being a blockhead and not treating you well. If my DH treated me that way I would think about counseling (either couple or individual) to figure out our next step as a couple or individual.

 

[Christine]

supercarrie,

What is his job in the UK and what type of employment will he be doing when/if he moves to the US?

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I don't think you are being unrealistic, and it sounds like (from what you have posted) he is trying to renege on your original agreement. Honestly, I would bet that he has no intentions of ever moving to the US.

Several things that you included in your post indicate that you aren't exactly happy in your marraige. And if your dh is throwing out "divorce" as an option, I think that is a good indicator that he isn't very happy either. I think counseling should be the first step that you guys take to decide where you go from here.

 

[ENSOCK]

The abuse is what scares me. If you do not feel that you can sit and talk to your husband then you need to get out now!

Could you speak to your clergy? or someone who could help you? If you give in an agree to stay then you will feel resentment, if he agrees to move then he will feel resentment. these are things that ya'll have to sit and discuss as husband and wife (best friends).

I wish you luck!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I could really use opinions on how best to deal with this situation.

A bit of background:
I am American and my husband is British. We met five years ago in the UK, and after 2.5 years of a long distance relationship, married in March 2008. Before getting married, we agreed that we would live until the end of 2010 in the UK, and then move to the US for a few years, before ultimately deciding where we would settle permanently to raise children.

I am extremely close to my family in CA. Although I have built up a great life in the UK, including a good job and close friends, I have had a very hard time being without my family and US friends. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and since then, it has been even harder to live away from them. (Not to mention, missing out on my little sister being a teenager, my niece and nephew growing up, etc.)

A few months ago, I brought up planning our move back to the US. At that time, he said he wasn’t ready to move, even though it is what we agreed, and asked if we could push back the move to end of 2012. I didn’t really agree, but agreed we could push back the date, just not sure I’d want to wait another 2.5 years.

Note, we have also been having a hard time in our marriage for other reasons; mainly, he has been verbally abusive in the past and there has been a general feeling that he has not been considering both of our needs in the marriage. These are things we have been working on and overall, they have been improving, but we’ve also have a number of major fights recently as well.

I’ve just come home from a trip home and had a REALLY hard time leaving. I tried to discuss with him about firmly setting a date as to when we would plan to move, and suggested sometime in the 2nd half of 2011.

He has flat out refused to even consider this, and initially started out by saying we move in 2012 as he wants, and only spend 3 years in the US (time it takes him to get his citizenship) or we should just divorce now. He compromised a bit by saying move in 2012 but I can take a number of trips home next year to tide me over, but refuses to discuss moving next year. The reason I mention “a number of trips” is that I took two this year – one to NYC and one home, and he complained that this was “excessive” and took time away from him, and too much money, and that I shouldn’t need to visit that often and they should come visit instead. (My mom and dad both visited this year as well.)

Note, there is no real reason why practically we could not move next year – we have plenty of money in savings, no job ties, and good prospects for employment in CA, even in this economy. We would need to sell or rent out our house (rent, most likely) but have enough in savings to let the house sit empty for 1.5 years if we had to.

I am now at quite a bit of a loss as to what to do. I would never have agreed to marry him if I knew it meant being away from my family for an indefinite period of time – and I was definitely being a bit naive in not knowing how much it would affect me, particularly as I’ve gotten older and realised how important being close to them is to me. The fact that he has brought up divorce as a “solution” has also thrown me.

I guess the point is – what do you think is realistic of me to expect? Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to empathize with how much being this far away from my family affects me? And long-term, if you couldn’t agree with your spouse as to where to live – what would you do?

It sounds like his bringing up divorce is just more verbal abuse. I could be wrong, though, depending on how he said it.

Will he see a counselor? I think this is your best bet. A third party might be able to help him see he's being unreasonable (which, it sounds like he is - but of course we're only getting your side).

Just from what you've said, he doesn't seem to hold you in much regard. Does he show sympathy at all to you?

 

[MushyMushy]

I hate to sound cold, but it sounds to me like this marriage isn't working out. Personally, I wouldn't like the thought of moving from one country to another every couple of years. Maybe your husband thought he would be okay with it but has discovered otherwise. Also, I don't blame him for wanting to go through the savings like that. I'm not saying you're wrong or he's wrong, but just that if there's no compromising, it might be best to end the marriage now before there are children or other complications involved.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Walk away. There is no need for you to have to fight over this.

If he can't be supportive of your need to be near your family while an immediate family member is sick, and he wants you all to himself, it's time to go. He's selfish for keeping you away and he also went back on his word.

The only other option is for you to take a leave from the UK and stay with family for some time which he would probably fight, but it's the only other option.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Yes, you are being unrealistic. He obviously does not want to live in the USA and I could see this issue as conflict until you either give in or get divorced.
BD

She's being unrealistic to expect her husband to empathize? Sorry, but no she's not. People do empathize with those they love, heck most normal people empathize with strangers who are in distress. Her mother has cancer, for crying out loud. And she's being unrealistic?!

 

[dislaney]

It doesn't sound like he really ever plans on going to live in the US. It sounds to me like you have much larger issues than where you will live. If he is verbally abusive and doesn't consider your needs than, this is what you need to be working on or he needs to be working on.

 

[supercarrie]

Answers below:

I want some more details. I have an answer but before I discuss I have more questions.

Why doesn't he want to move back with you?

Answered below, but in short, his answer keeps changing. I suppose it could just be fear of the unknown, although he has visited CA many times.

Does he ever go back to visit with you?

He used to go on every visit home, but his last visit was April 09. He has declined to go the last three times, saying he just doesn't want to go, doesn't want to spend the vacation time, money, etc. (We do have plans to go home for Christmas this year.)

How are you improving your relationship if he is verbally abusive?
We've tried couples counselling (didn't work, he only went to one session) but the main thing that has worked is by my standing up for myself a lot more than in the past, and calmly calling him on it when he becomes abusive. It has significantly declined in the past year or so.

Why do you feel he puts his needs/wants above your own other than the not moving back?
I could give you a number of examples as to how he does this (ranging from causing a scene if we disagree - for example, on what time to leave a friend's party - to only wanting to spend 15 minutes with me when I was in the hospital earlier this year because he was hungry and wanted to go eat dinner). Or simple things, like rarely agreeing to go see a movie I want to see, or where I want to go out to eat.

Do you think he is still the guy you fell in love with?
It feels very much like living with two different personalities. Some days, absolutely yes, he is very caring and loving. Other days, not at all. And the balance has been shifting back and forth for awhile.

What would you say to your sister or best friend that was married to a guy that did these things?

To try and work things out regarding where to live, if the relationship was healthy, but not put up with the abuse.

 

[supercarrie]

supercarrie,

What is his job in the UK and what type of employment will he be doing when/if he moves to the US?

He is a computer programmer for a large American investment bank. In CA, there are plenty of programming jobs, at similar salaries to what he earns now (considering the currency conversion) but he would not be able to work within investment banking - these jobs are largely all in NYC.

I should also mention that he has refused to go back to couples counselling, but that I do have an individual appointment with a therapist tomorrow evening.

 

[AlleyKat]

I could really use opinions on how best to deal with this situation.

A bit of background:
I am American and my husband is British. We met five years ago in the UK, and after 2.5 years of a long distance relationship, married in March 2008. Before getting married, we agreed that we would live until the end of 2010 in the UK, and then move to the US for a few years, before ultimately deciding where we would settle permanently to raise children.

I am extremely close to my family in CA. Although I have built up a great life in the UK, including a good job and close friends, I have had a very hard time being without my family and US friends. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and since then, it has been even harder to live away from them. (Not to mention, missing out on my little sister being a teenager, my niece and nephew growing up, etc.)

A few months ago, I brought up planning our move back to the US. At that time, he said he wasn’t ready to move, even though it is what we agreed, and asked if we could push back the move to end of 2012. I didn’t really agree, but agreed we could push back the date, just not sure I’d want to wait another 2.5 years.

Note, we have also been having a hard time in our marriage for other reasons; mainly, he has been verbally abusive in the past and there has been a general feeling that he has not been considering both of our needs in the marriage. These are things we have been working on and overall, they have been improving, but we’ve also have a number of major fights recently as well.

I’ve just come home from a trip home and had a REALLY hard time leaving. I tried to discuss with him about firmly setting a date as to when we would plan to move, and suggested sometime in the 2nd half of 2011.

He has flat out refused to even consider this, and initially started out by saying we move in 2012 as he wants, and only spend 3 years in the US (time it takes him to get his citizenship) or we should just divorce now. He compromised a bit by saying move in 2012 but I can take a number of trips home next year to tide me over, but refuses to discuss moving next year. The reason I mention “a number of trips” is that I took two this year – one to NYC and one home, and he complained that this was “excessive” and took time away from him, and too much money, and that I shouldn’t need to visit that often and they should come visit instead. (My mom and dad both visited this year as well.)

Note, there is no real reason why practically we could not move next year – we have plenty of money in savings, no job ties, and good prospects for employment in CA, even in this economy. We would need to sell or rent out our house (rent, most likely) but have enough in savings to let the house sit empty for 1.5 years if we had to.

I am now at quite a bit of a loss as to what to do. I would never have agreed to marry him if I knew it meant being away from my family for an indefinite period of time – and I was definitely being a bit naive in not knowing how much it would affect me, particularly as I’ve gotten older and realised how important being close to them is to me. The fact that he has brought up divorce as a “solution” has also thrown me.

I guess the point is – what do you think is realistic of me to expect? Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to empathize with how much being this far away from my family affects me? And long-term, if you couldn’t agree with your spouse as to where to live – what would you do?

I'd call his bluff and get a divorce!

 

[lovemygoofy]

Answers below:

First, I want to say that I do not say this lightly. I very seldom tell anyone this sort of thing.

I would be done for several reasons. My main reason is that divorce should NEVER be mentioned unless follow through is going to happen. You don't threaten someone you love. That is my bottom line.

Second reason, he isn't working with you to grow your relationship. This includes his not going to counseling.

Third reason, lack of support. Your husband should ALWAYS be your soft place to fall. Can you depend on him and his love and support when chips are down? He is there to raise you up. This includes visiting your family because I think this is necessary and important that he realize its also his family as well.

Fourth, you see glimpses of the guy you fell in love with because then you will stay and put up with more of the guy that you don't know. I don't do manipulation at all.

This is what I tell young couples that I work with. Think of your relationship as a bank. I call it the love bank. Do both partners put equal deposits in to raise it up or does one constantly do withdraws putting it in the red on a regular basis? If you are always in the red, then someone is not putting deposits to bring your love bank back up.

 

[Becky2005]

I don't think you are being unrealistic, and it sounds like (from what you have posted) he is trying to renege on your original agreement. Honestly, I would bet that he has no intentions of ever moving to the US.

Several things that you included in your post indicate that you aren't exactly happy in your marraige. And if your dh is throwing out "divorce" as an option, I think that is a good indicator that he isn't very happy either. I think counseling should be the first step that you guys take to decide where you go from here.

This is what I think just taking the OP at face value with what she posted. Sounds to me as if he never really intended to move back to the US to live, probably assuming once you lived in the UK for a while you wouldn't really want to move back. Just going by what was posted, sounds to me like he intentionally wanted to distance you from your family so that he can control you & of course, he doesn't want to move where you may appear to have an "upper hand" in the relationship vs. now where he seems to be the one who has control.

Seems pretty obvious if he would rather divorce you than move to the US to live, he *really* has no desire to live here whatsoever.