Advice please.....falling apart

[Living with the Land]

Unfortunately, I am the reason the home hasn't been happy. I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that from the book The Proper Care &Feeding of Husbands that I do everything that she says not to do. The biggest thing for me is respect. I guess that I never looked at what he does for us as something that should be respected. I just expected him to do whatever I said. For instance when DD was born I was supposed to go back to work. The day before I was scheduled to go back I announced that I was quitting and going to stay home. He said fine but I never even gave him an option. I have set goals every year of how much of a raise i expect him to get or there is you know what to pay. When we bought this house he had been out of town for 3 weeks and I made him make the offer on the house the day he came home. I am not the perfect princess and when I think of what i put him through I can understand how he was attracted to someone else. Even a monster would have been easier to love then i have been. I just hope that he can forgive me and we can work through this. I am learning to be better but he has seen 8 years of he**.

Holly

 

[chell]

Sorry Holly but I don't buy that. Nothing gives him the right to turn to another person. From what I have gone through I can see how it could happen when you are in a bad relationship but that does not make it right.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Unfortunately, I am the reason the home hasn't been happy. I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that from the book The Proper Care &Feeding of Husbands that I do everything that she says not to do. The biggest thing for me is respect. I guess that I never looked at what he does for us as something that should be respected. I just expected him to do whatever I said. For instance when DD was born I was supposed to go back to work. The day before I was scheduled to go back I announced that I was quitting and going to stay home. He said fine but I never even gave him an option. I have set goals every year of how much of a raise i expect him to get or there is you know what to pay. When we bought this house he had been out of town for 3 weeks and I made him make the offer on the house the day he came home. I am not the perfect princess and when I think of what i put him through I can understand how he was attracted to someone else. Even a monster would have been easier to love then i have been. I just hope that he can forgive me and we can work through this. I am learning to be better but he has seen 8 years of he**.

Holly

I just don't know what to say......I don't think you really WANT advice just a place to vent and that is fine.

I will tell you that no matter how "horrible" and witch-like I became in my marriage....my husband would still love me. If I was doing something that he deemed awful, he would TELL me and we would discuss it.

You can try to rationalize this anyway you want to...and if it will make you feel better to be the "bad guy"...have at it. The bottom line is - there should be RESPECT in any relationship and stepping out with another woman does NOT constitute respect.

 

[Honu]

Is this for real? I just don't understand.

 

[dis ms.]

Unfortunately, I am the reason the home hasn't been happy. I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that from the book The Proper Care &Feeding of Husbands that I do everything that she says not to do. The biggest thing for me is respect. I guess that I never looked at what he does for us as something that should be respected. I just expected him to do whatever I said. For instance when DD was born I was supposed to go back to work. The day before I was scheduled to go back I announced that I was quitting and going to stay home. He said fine but I never even gave him an option. I have set goals every year of how much of a raise i expect him to get or there is you know what to pay. When we bought this house he had been out of town for 3 weeks and I made him make the offer on the house the day he came home. I am not the perfect princess and when I think of what i put him through I can understand how he was attracted to someone else. Even a monster would have been easier to love then i have been. I just hope that he can forgive me and we can work through this. I am learning to be better but he has seen 8 years of he**.

Holly

Wow.

I think you want us to say it's okay that he cheated because you weren't the perfect wife. Or, that it's okay to put up with his dating for the sake of your daughter. I don't think you're going to get that from anyone here.

First of all, for the sake of your daughter, you shouldn't be putting up with Jack's cheating. Why would you want to set that kind of example for her? And, quite frankly, there's no excuse for what he's done and is likely going to continue to do.

You need to stop making excuses and rationalizations for his behavior. I really don't think you're listening to the good advice you've gotten here, because you are determined to hold onto Jack at all costs (even your daughter's). So, um, good luck with that. You're going to need it.

Here's my final piece of advice for you (as if it will do any good):

You need to stop kissing his butt...and start kicking it.

 

[SillyMe]

Unfortunately, I am the reason the home hasn't been happy. I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that from the book The Proper Care &Feeding of Husbands that I do everything that she says not to do. The biggest thing for me is respect. I guess that I never looked at what he does for us as something that should be respected. I just expected him to do whatever I said. For instance when DD was born I was supposed to go back to work. The day before I was scheduled to go back I announced that I was quitting and going to stay home. He said fine but I never even gave him an option. I have set goals every year of how much of a raise i expect him to get or there is you know what to pay. When we bought this house he had been out of town for 3 weeks and I made him make the offer on the house the day he came home. I am not the perfect princess and when I think of what i put him through I can understand how he was attracted to someone else. Even a monster would have been easier to love then i have been. I just hope that he can forgive me and we can work through this. I am learning to be better but he has seen 8 years of he**.

Holly

I don't care what you've done, it does not justify him having an affair. Period. What I think is that you don't have any self-esteem left and he has made you feel like it's all your fault. I also think you are looking to blame yourself, because you feel if you take the blame, maybe he'll stay. I really think you should get some counseling for yourself. You need to build up your confidence and realize that it was not your fault for him having an affair and having the girlfriend tell you about it. Then get out and start a better life for you and your daughter.

 

[nliedel]

What Sillyme said. I got pretty upset this morning when I read a post that seemed to be blaming you for this. Real men come to you, themselves, WITHOUT a backup plan, to tell you there are problems and they DON'T have the other woman tell you.

I am disgusted by ANY implication this is Holly's problem because she is currently blaming herself and if she gets counseling it can be fixed. *IF* it's going to be fixed (and I cannot imagine why she would want it to be but it's her life) then they BOTH need counseling. Her for self esteem and, well him too.

I put at least $100.00 on the new girl getting a call just like the one she made to Holly within 5 years, that or she is going to have to watch this guy like a hawk.

Holly, when are you going to realise that this is not because you are not the perfect woman? That you could have this amazing life and be an amazing person and it is so easy for him to blame you and not look at himself and you are letting him? I am trying not to get mad and lecture but I am not doing so good here.

 

[padams]

I still trying to comprehend the bf's incredible immaturity. He handed you the phone so his gf could tell you it's over? It sounds like something a 13 year old might do, but certainly not an adult.

It is not your fault that your bf has another gf and that he doesn't love you anymore (if he's the one who didn't want to marry, then perhaps he has never truly loved you).

A good mom wouldn't let a child live in your situation. By letting your bf walk all over you (and he will walk out on you eventually), you are not being a responsible parent. Put your dd's needs before yours. And, no, she doesn't need a daddy who she fears might leave at any moment. Your dd needs to see you move on with your life- get counseling, see a lawyer to get child support, get a job, sell the house, get an apt. or move in with family or a girlfriend, etc. Be strong for her so she will have a future as a strong, independent woman. Also, you don't want your dd to grow up thinking of you as a spineless, pathetic doormat.

I am sorry that your fantasy world of loving bf, house and dd has been destroyed by your bf, but you will have to face the reality that your former life is over. Go make a better life for you and your dd. She deserves it.

Stop reading self-help books, and go take some real action. The first thing I'd do is put his stuff out on the street.

 

[kristen821]

I agree with everyone else. It is not your fault. What wife doesn't set goals on what needs to be paid. If i wanted a house and we needed to put an offer out there I would have dh do it as soon as he got back too. I probably would have had him call from wherever he was. That isn't something that can wait. Unless you cheated on him which, I am sure you didn't this isn't something that you can blame yourself for. You deserve better. Do whatever it takes to get away from him and move on with your life.

 

[ericamanda01]

Please forgive me if this is mean or rude, but you might as well wear a shirt that says Welcome on it, because you are turning into his doormat! He can come and go as he pleases, he has a girlfriend and she broke things off between the two of you over the phone. I'm sorry but no, the things that you think are your fault don't sound like horrible, mean things. Being a SAHM is a wonderful thing, you even said in your original post that it was a decision the two of you made. It sounds like you are being manipulated. Is he still seeing this other woman? I really hope you get what "you" want. Whether it's him or not, I hope you are happy in the end. Good luck, you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Caradana]

Well, you are going to do your thing and stay with him, and I wish you lots of luck with that (you will need it because your self-esteem will be pulp by the time this whole disaster is over.)

Please do two things

1. Put your daughter in the car and drive her to school, and go talk to either the guidance counselor or the child study team. She needs intervention right now. She is WAY TOO YOUNG to be subjected to Daddy's Girlfriend and Mommy Will Lose the House. You have done drastic damage to her psyche already. You need to pledge to yourself that you will not broach this subject or anything related to it to her again. You both need to tell her that she is safe, both Mommy and Daddy love her, she is doing everything right, and everything is OK. Then you need professionals to second that. Can you imagine what your daughter will be like at 18 if she gets emotionally scarred up by this experience?

2. Please go back to school. How much education do you have? What can you do professionally? Pick something and go back to school. So long as Jack is living in the house, I'm assuming there is at least some money somewhere. If you are going to give away all of your dignity and self-worth to keep him in that home, you owe it to yourself to at least get SOMETHING out of the arrangement.

 

[SillyMe]

Well, you are going to do your thing and stay with him, and I wish you lots of luck with that (you will need it because your self-esteem will be pulp by the time this whole disaster is over.)

Please do two things

1. Put your daughter in the car and drive her to school, and go talk to either the guidance counselor or the child study team. She needs intervention right now. She is WAY TOO YOUNG to be subjected to Daddy's Girlfriend and Mommy Will Lose the House. You have done drastic damage to her psyche already. You need to pledge to yourself that you will not broach this subject or anything related to it to her again. You both need to tell her that she is safe, both Mommy and Daddy love her, she is doing everything right, and everything is OK. Then you need professionals to second that. Can you imagine what your daughter will be like at 18 if she gets emotionally scarred up by this experience?

2. Please go back to school. How much education do you have? What can you do professionally? Pick something and go back to school. So long as Jack is living in the house, I'm assuming there is at least some money somewhere. If you are going to give away all of your dignity and self-worth to keep him in that home, you owe it to yourself to at least get SOMETHING out of the arrangement.

I agree. I put my dd6 in a 6 week program at school with the guidance counselor to deal with our separation. It has helped her tremendously.

One other suggestion...start putting money away in your own account. If he decides to leave or kick you out, you need to have something to be able to support yourself and your dd.

 

[Floydian]

Ok, so you're not perfect. Guess what, obviously he's not either! The question is, what are YOU going to do about it?

These things you've mentioned, that you claim have made life hell for him. Are they things that YOU don't like? Things that YOU want to change, because YOU believe that YOU can be better in some way? If so, great! Making changes so that YOU are happier about YOU are fantastic! There's nothing wrong with being the best YOU that YOU can be!

Notice the emphasis there? YOU YOU YOU! I understand the desire to be better "for him", to "win him back", and so forth. But in my opinion, none of that works unless it's what YOU want.

Having been in your position, I'm actually happy to say that I have some experience with it. When my marriage was falling apart, and I had discovered that she was having yet another affair, I did what worked for me, research. Personally, when I face a problem that I have no idea how to solve, I try to research, learn, understand, and come up with a solution. So I did plenty of reading, of all kinds of mariage saving books and relationship books and self-help books, and it helped. I learned about ME, I learned about some of the things I had done, ways I had behaved, that I felt could use work, and that's what I did. And you know what?

It didn't do a dang thing to save my marriage, which is fine, because we didn't belong together. But it DID make me feel better about ME, because I had grown, if even a little bit. I had improved myself, in my own opinion, which is the one that matters most.

So my advice to you is to be the best YOU that you can be. If that's not good enough for him, well, too bad for him! Sure, it can and will be painful if that's the end result. But in the end, you will ALWAYS have to live with yourself, your actions, your behaviors, your decisions...

If you feel like you haven't done your best to make a great relationship, then change that. But not because you want to "win him back" or want to "trick him into staying". Do it because you want to do your best, be your best. If the relationship ends, at least it'll end with you knowing you tried to be the best YOU that YOU can be.

 

[lclark0621]

Unfortunately, I am the reason the home hasn't been happy. I have been doing a lot of reading and have found that from the book The Proper Care &Feeding of Husbands that I do everything that she says not to do. The biggest thing for me is respect. I guess that I never looked at what he does for us as something that should be respected. I just expected him to do whatever I said. For instance when DD was born I was supposed to go back to work. The day before I was scheduled to go back I announced that I was quitting and going to stay home. He said fine but I never even gave him an option. I have set goals every year of how much of a raise i expect him to get or there is you know what to pay. When we bought this house he had been out of town for 3 weeks and I made him make the offer on the house the day he came home. I am not the perfect princess and when I think of what i put him through I can understand how he was attracted to someone else. Even a monster would have been easier to love then i have been. I just hope that he can forgive me and we can work through this. I am learning to be better but he has seen 8 years of he**.

Holly

Again I am going to ask,

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!"

You are allowing yourself to be blamed for HIS cheating?!?!

Come on!

Look, I understand being in love. I understand being so completely in love, you will put up with just about anything just to "have him". Believe me, my past is not all roses. HOWEVER I REALIZED I AM WORTH MORE! I realized that he was not good enough for me. Anyone who treats me like crap, does not deserve me.

WHAT is this "relationship" costing you? And if you guys are so unhappy, are you really in love with him, or just used to having him around & comfortable?!?

Sorry to be so blunt, but YOU are setting an absolutly HORRIBLE example for your DD. You are telling her it is ok for someone to treat you like garbage, as long as they stay. YOU are telling her it is ok for someone to sleep around, as long as they "stay".

What are YOU going to say when she is 16 or 18 or married with a child & her man is cheating, treating her like dirt, maybe even worse?

When you tell her to leave, she will say "But I love him". When you tell her she is worth more, she will tell you "But I love him". When ask her where she learned it is ok to be treated like this, she will tell you "From you".

Get yourself & your child the help you need. And kick this guy to the curb. Grow a back bone & show your DD you are BOTH worth more then this!

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow. Ok, I am not going to flame you. I think you sincerely are trying to figure out what went wrong. And I am all for finding your part in what went wrong and doing what you can to make positive changes.

However, I really think you are overcompensating because you want this to be in your control. Ie, if it is your fault, then you can fix it. Unfortunately, one person is never responsible for the entire dynamics of a relationship. You cannot cntrol this by taking blame. You will not make him love you by changing things for him.

btw, most people do not cheat because of their partner. They cheat because of something in their own self that is messed up or lacking. They usually also are in an unhappy relationship...but unhappy relationships are the result of a breakdown with both partners, not just one. Cheating is ALWAYS the result of the actions of the person who cheats. It is a choice, not a disease.

I really, really think counselling is what you should be looking into right now. Individual counselling.

 

[DebIreland]

A good mom wouldn't let a child live in your situation. By letting your bf walk all over you (and he will walk out on you eventually), you are not being a responsible parent.........

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Please remember that the OP is very vulnerable right now. Her heart has been crushed, leaving her fragile and very easily hurt. Comments like that one above are unnecessary and merely add to the tremendous pain she is already going through. She clearly loves her little girl and is trying her best to deal with a crisis that has hit her with no warning.

When we respond to posts on an internet forum, where we have no idea what hell the person on the other side of the original post is going through, I believe we need to be very responsible and ensure that we thread lightly for fear that we might add to the trauma that person is already experiencing and push them to an even deeper level of pain.

Holly, my heart breaks for you and I dearly hope that, given time, you will find the emotional strength to end this relationship and find some peace and independence.

I know that sounds daunting and a previous poster, Martha7, put it much better that I can when she said the following.....
"it sounds like some of your reasoning, (thinking you'd let this guy do anything as long as he stayed with you), may be coming from the fear of the unknown: going out to work, putting your DD in daycare, etc. ........... once you get comfortable in a new job, you'll be so proud of yourself that you'll be a wonderful role model for your daughter! Think of all the ways this man is hurting you both, and then imagine being able to make your own decisions, without waiting around to see if he's coming home or not!....... I just think you're not thinking rationally, because the fear is taking over." (End of quote)

I completely agree with that post.

Take baby steps Holly, that's the best any of us can do. We're all imperfect human beings with many frailties and often our hearts makes decisions for us, when it would be so much better if our heads could call the shots. Shock, trauma, love and guilt (whether it's misplaced or not) make it very difficult for us to make the correct decisions straight away after a crisis, but once the shock has left you and the trauma lessens, I hope that you will find some clarity and, like I said, find the strength to take gentle steps to making better decisions for a better life.

Good luck Holly!

 

[Lanshark]

Find someone to talk to about this situation.

An internet discussion board is not going to give you the answer. You'll get some that show empathy, you'll get some that will flame you, you'll even get some that will help you rationalize and justify just about anything you say. At the end of the day it is your life and you will need to get control of it for both your sake and your daughters sake. Find a counselor, clergyman or someone you feel comfortable taking to and begin the process.
Good luck

 

[Skywalker]

You are clearly staying in the situation for yourself, not your daughter, so don't use her as an excuse. If you were really putting your daughter first, you would be getting her out of that situation fast. What you are doing is forcing her to endure the band-aid being pulled off ever-so-slowly, letting it torture her nice and slow when frankly it would be better if you pulled it off quickly and got it over with.

Yeah, okay, poor analogy but the point is, you should be teaching her how to be strong and reassuring her that the break up of your relationship is not the end of his being a father to her. Your daughter will survive whatever happens, without the guilt of thinking her mother spent a lifetime as a doormat just to "make her happy".

 

[azgal81]

Your last post even made me more sure that you need to move on with your life. You also need to stop putting your daughter in this situation and using her for a reason to stay with him. I would NEVER stay in a situation where me or my husband wasn't happy just for my kids and I wouldn't expect my mom to either.

You and your daughter can be financially stable without a man. I hope you realize that!

 

[Living with the Land]

I came to this board because it is easier for me to say some of these things to you guys because I fear that my family and friends would never forgive him if they knew everything that was going on. I was hoping that someone would understand. As far as financially no we wouldn't be okay Jack makes a lot of money far more then I could and yes that is huge to me. To take DD away would mean changing her whole life and taking her out of the life she deserves. Child support would not compensate for what she gets now versus what i could provide. i read your messages and my heart breaks more. I swear to you all I am trying and doing the very best i can. I am not going to post anymore because apparantly you don't understand my situation or life at all. Just please keep praying for us.

Holly