Advice please.....falling apart

[Living with the Land]

I have been with Jack for over 8 years. We have been having some problems but I really didn't think that it was that serious. Two weeks ago I came home and he handed me the phone. He said that this girl who is his friend wanted to talk to me. Now she is a sore spot with me because she doesn't want to be his "friend". Anyway, she called and basically told me that Jack didn't love me and that I needed to get out so they could be happy. She went on to say that because we have dd6 that she understood that we would need some time. Lots of stuff happened but I'm not even going into it other then to say my daughter knows exactly what is happening and she is devistated.

I haven't worked for 7 years because we agreed that I would be a SAHM. So now I am looking for a job, having to put DD in daycare, and basically changing everything. Jack says that he is still thinking about things but it isn't looking good. I know that this sounds foolish but all I want is my family back together. I love Jack with every fiber of my being. I even understand that things haven't been fun at home and maybe that is my fault. I just don't know what to do an any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Holly

 

[budbeerlady]

1) What kind of a poop is Jack who has this other lady tell you he wants you out and doesnt love you. Jack needs either to dump her or get a backbone and tell you the truth.

2) Hugs to you and your DD. Poor kid is going to need some quality time with both of you. Go to counseling if he will.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have been with Jack for over 8 years. We have been having some problems but I really didn't think that it was that serious. Two weeks ago I came home and he handed me the phone. He said that this girl who is his friend wanted to talk to me. Now she is a sore spot with me because she doesn't want to be his "friend". Anyway, she called and basically told me that Jack didn't love me and that I needed to get out so they could be happy. She went on to say that because we have dd6 that she understood that we would need some time. Lots of stuff happened but I'm not even going into it other then to say my daughter knows exactly what is happening and she is devistated.

I haven't worked for 7 years because we agreed that I would be a SAHM. So now I am looking for a job, having to put DD in daycare, and basically changing everything. Jack says that he is still thinking about things but it isn't looking good. I know that this sounds foolish but all I want is my family back together. I love Jack with every fiber of my being. I even understand that things haven't been fun at home and maybe that is my fault. I just don't know what to do an any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Holly

, Holly. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I don't have a lot of advice, but a lot of questions.

First, are you married to Jack? Do you think he would be willing to try counseling? Has he even talked to you about this, or have you only heard from his friend? Is he cheating on you? Have you gotten a lawyer? Do you have a good handle on your financial situation?

Denae

 

[CEDmom]

Have you considered counseling? I can't imagine making the decision to end my marriage without giving my heart and soul to trying to save it. The fact that your DD knows what's going on before you've made decisions on how to proceed is also very disturbing. You need to make sure she has someone to talk to about what she's feeling.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your DD and you .

 

[Tigger_Magic]

What a sad situation. JMO you need to decide if you and your DD are better off WITH Jack or better off WITHOUT him. Only you can determine what is best for you and your DD. In the interim, I would definitely seek some family counseling and go with your DD even if Jack refuses to go. You and your DD will need some support through this difficult time.

 

[Living with the Land]

We aren't married for very personal reasons. He did talk to me after she called and said he is very confused and he is. One day he talks about things we are going to do over the summer and the next minute he says he can't stand being in the same house with me and then leaves. He won't go to counselling, but I did get him to agree to go to church with me this coming weekend. Financially I am a mess. We just bought our house 11 months ago and I don't want to leave. However, this house is way more then I can afford assuming I will make the same when I get back to work. I reallly don't even care about all that I just need to find a way to fix this. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Holly

 

[mickeyboat]

We aren't married for very personal reasons. He did talk to me after she called and said he is very confused and he is. One day he talks about things we are going to do over the summer and the next minute he says he can't stand being in the same house with me and then leaves. He won't go to counselling, but I did get him to agree to go to church with me this coming weekend. Financially I am a mess. We just bought our house 11 months ago and I don't want to leave. However, this house is way more then I can afford assuming I will make the same when I get back to work. I reallly don't even care about all that I just need to find a way to fix this. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Holly

Please continue to encourage him to go to counseling. He doesn't really sound sure of what he is going to do, and might need it for himself, whether the two of you stay together or not.

Please start immediately getting your financial things in order. By that I mean get copies of all the bank statements, retirement accounts, debts, etc.

Get a lawyer right away. Does your state have a common law marriage statute? If so, do you know how long you have to be together for it to apply? (I just googled, and it looks like WV does not have a common law provision - so make sure you go even faster to a lawyer).

Even though you are hoping for a reconciliation, you need to do whatever it takes to protect you and your daughter financially, so you should be planning for the worst.

That being said, long-term relationships go through many ups and downs. I have seen people reconcile even after something as serious as this, so have hope.

Denae

 

[Cthia]

I am so sorry you and your DD are going thru this.

I would try to talk to Jack and let him know how you feel. Tell him he needs to hear you out or even write him a letter. It sounds like you both have things that need to be worked out. Tell him he needs to do this for your DD. She deserves to have both her parents. You both should at least try to work things out, go to counseling if need be. Don't be in a rush to just throw everything away. It is very sad to hear that he is having this woman do his talking for him. He should stop talking to her, she doesn't sound like she is being a true friend. He should be talking to you about problems and working them out.

Good luck.

 

[ilovepcot]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

 

[CathrynRose]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

Me either.

I'd be telling him where to go - and her, as well.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

Me either......sounds like he has jelly in place of a spine.

 

[Sandy V.]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

Me either. That's just spineless.

Best of luck to you, OP. It sounds like there are some major issues to work out, but remember, not everything is YOUR fault. And don't let anyone tell you that it is!! Especially Jack. He has a lot to answer for.

It's a big red flag for me that he doesn't want to go to counseling - I think he's afraid that an independent party will make him accountable for his behavior, and Jack doesn't want to be responsible for much of anything at the moment.

 

[Living with the Land]

know it sounds awful, believe me it feels even worse. I just still can't believe this is happening. I just don't know how to fix it. Jack is a good man and a good father, I just don't know where this is coming from.

Holly

 

[Stitchfans]

Very sorry. I wonder if it is worth trying to save. The man doesn't know what he wants so maybe you should find someone mature enough who can make up his own mind. I know that is easier than said than done. I wish you the best.

 

[Patty3]

Oh Holly, I am really sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like more has been going on that he has not admitted to.

 

[phillybeth]

Jack is a good man and a good father,

No, he's not. Not if he is cheating on you, lets his girlfriend tell you, and plans on abandoning his daughter.

 

[Noah122898]

Holly,
YOU can not FIX this. It sounds like he has major immaturity problems. I know it's hard to let go but sometimes that is the best thing to do. I feel awful that your child knows what is going on, you need to somehow find a way to get you and her into counseling and stop talking about this in front of her. She is WAY too young to be hearing this type of conversation. Being alone is scary but being with the wrong person is even worse. It sounds like he has managed to diminish your self esteem. Please don't think this is the end of the world (although it may certainly feel that way now). I have had some of the same issues as you and you can go on to have a better life. Good luck to you and stay strong!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, first of all, stop telling adult issues to a child. Your DD needs to hear very few of the details here.

Second, call a lawyer.

Third, take a look at your finances. What kind of savings do oyu have? What accounts are both your names on? What about retirement savings? What about the house? Who owns it? Whose name is on it?

Fourth, get to counselling...you and your DD. If you can get Jack to go, so be it, but if not, you and DD go.

Fifth, think long and hard about whether or not you want this man in your life. Yes, he is your DD's father, so for a certain part, he is in your life. But I have little respect for a man who would have a "friend" tell his partner of 8 years that she should leave etc. You deserve better than that, you deserve a man who has the b**** to speak to oyu himself. You deserve a person of integrity, and that is not what you have here. A good man? Hardly. A good father...there's a lot ot being a good father, and it does not include being a spineless swine, cheating on the mother of his child, having his girlfriend call to tell the mother of his child that he is cheating etc.

You'd be better off without this guy. He is a loser. Remember, your DD is watching everything you do now, learning how to deal with adevrsity, learning what a woman should and should not tolerate from a man, how a woman should maintain her self-esteem and so on. Teach her well.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

No kidding. I don't think there is any man in this male.

 

[Disney Ella]

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I have to say I'd be furious if my DH made his cheap woman (not sure what kinds of words I'm allowed to use) tell me! At least be man enough to admit what you've done.