Advice needed

[pbthompson]

Hi,

 

[glenpreece]

Well the same thing kinda happened with my parents and I as a teenager. They found some stuff and my mom sat me down one day and just said if there was anything I wanted to tell her etc. And explained that they both love me etc. and that they just want me to be happy. I think if you just tell your son this and reassure the love and that you will support him it is better than outright asking him if he is gay. He may end up telling you in return. Just stress the love and support cause I know if I didn't have that I would not be sitting here right now

 

[OrlandoMike]

First of all take a deep breath!

You came to a good place for answers, we have all kinds of folks around here who will chime in to help you! Welcome to our area of the Dis!

From the little you have shared, I would say your son is probably gay. If your husband is as homophobic as you say, you need to get your son aside, perhaps a nice lunch with just the two of you, and let him know you support him no matter what!

Be honest, not about the phone, or how you found out, but just say you have a feeling he might be gay, and if he is he can always count on you for someon to talk to...NO MATTER WHAT!

Now would also be the perfect time to make sure he knows about safe sex. I know you probably dont want to think about him having sex, and he very well might not be, but the lessons of safe sex, regardless if straight or gay sex, is a lesson that could save a persons life!

As far as your husband, there are resources to help him cope also, but for now, I would concentrate on your son.....

Just my opinion.......and again! Hugs!

You may want to also contact PFLAG, a great resoursce for Parents of gay kids!

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803

 

[rpmdfw]

First of all take a deep breath!

You came to a good place for answers, we have all kinds of folks around here who will chime in to help you! Welcome to our area of the Dis!

From the little you have shared, I would say your son is probably gay. If your husband is as homophobic as you say, you need to get your son aside, perhaps a nice lunch with just the two of you, and let him know you support him no matter what!

Be honest, not about the phone, or how you found out, but just say you have a feeling he might be gay, and if he is he can always count on you for someon to talk to...NO MATTER WHAT!

Now would also be the perfect time to make sure he knows about safe sex. I know you probably dont want to think about him having sex, and he very well might not be, but the lessons of safe sex, regardless if straight or gay sex, is a lesson that could save a persons life!

As far as your husband, there are resources to help him cope also, but for now, I would concentrate on your son.....

Just my opinion.......and again! Hugs!

You may want to also contact PFLAG, a great resoursce for Parents of gay kids!

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803

This is all excellent advice!

And you are an awesome mom for being so concerned about this, and taking the time to seek out help!

 

[pbthompson]

.

 

[rpmdfw]

Thank you.

I am trying, I am not even sure what the issue really is because we haven't discussed it yet. How do you suggest I bring it up? I agree that I shouldn't tell him I read his text messages. They are his private thoughts and I feel badly for reading them, but in a way I am glad that I did. This answers alot of questions. I am not sure if he will admit it, I am not even sure if he knows for sure, but the behavior is not typical of a heterosexual teen (if there is a "set" behavior for a typical teen.

I did talk to his father last night and he said he would still love him but didn't say much else. Today we talked about it some more and said he wanted to make an appt with the doctor. I told him no. He doesn't have an ear infection and this isn't something you can fix if it is really the case. He is going to have a really hard time with this and will resist counseling. I am putting my foot down on this time. It isn't about him, it is about our son and that is what matters most.

I watched Prayers for Bobby a year or so ago and it broke my heart. I certainly do not think his life is over. We live in New England where gay marriage is legal. I know he could adopt if he wanted to. I have gay friends and I know there is nothing wrong with that. I am not sure how accepted it is, I am sure he will experience prejudices as with anything not the "norm", but like I said he is my son and I love him. I always will and nothing will change that. I will stand in front of him to protect him, stand behind him to support him or stand beside him as his friend. I want him to know I am there for him. I don't want him to feel alone or that he disappointed me.

Are any of your gay friends a part of your son's life?

Does he know any of them?

If so, working that person into the conversation might be a way to broach the subject.

You might also try contacting the local P-Flag chapter in your area, and asking those parents for advice on how to bring it up.

Also, if you can get your husband to be a part of the "we love you no matter what" conversation, it will do a world of good. But don't force that. You don't want to make it a tense situation for your son.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

First, welcome to our corner of the DIS. Please don't be a stranger!

Second, everything you are saying here about how much you love and support your son needs to be communicated to him.

The critical factor is for him to know that you utterly and completely accept him, and are even (yes, I do mean this) truly happy for him. That's a step that parents sometimes forget. Parents tend to get caught up in "I just want him to be happy" but fall short of being happy for the child.

Would you be happy for him if he were heterosexual? Then try to muster that same happiness for the potential for him to reveal that he's gay.

15-16 years old... could be questioning, but honestly I would expect him to be understanding that he is gay and what all of that means to him.

Regarding your husband, yes. Put your foot down hard. Really hard. This is about your son. This is about how he is a beautiful boy and you love him as much now as you did the day he was born. Both of you.

Your husband needs to get on board with that fast.

Do contact PFLAG and research Gay and Lesbian Centers in your area. There will be much support there, for you, your husband and your son.

And then... introduce your son to this board! Some of us are a "bit" older than 15 but we've all been where he is right now.

Huge hugs for you, Mama. You are the best!

 

[hematite153]

People have already said exactly what I was thinking.

I really think that you need to contact PFLAG for yourself and your DH. It's not okay for him to suggest a doctor to your DS -- I know that he hasn't done so yet, but, if he said it to you then he might say it to him later. But, there are some wonderful counsellors out there who could help everyone. I.e. if your DH needs a place to let off steam and come around to acceptance, it's better for him to do so with a therapist than with you and DS. I.e. if your DS doesn't really feel comfortable talking to you there are people who could help him develop that confidence. (But, the wrong therapist could be harmful...PFLAG should be able to direct you.)

I would start by talking to your son in a safe space that is just the two of you. If you do bring your gay friends into the conversation make sure that they are people your son knows and people who have been out and comfortable for a long time. (My mother kept wanting me to talk to her friends who were coming out after 20+ years of heterosexual marriage and I kept responding that I knew plenty of people that they could talk to if they needed it.)

If you can swing it, I'd look for an opportunity to meet the boyfriend as well so that you can actively demonstrate to your son that you will accept not only him, but, the people he loves.

 

[pbthompson]

.

 

[KPeveler]

After I came out to my parents, they started sending me to several shrinks, as if my being queer had anything to do with mental health problems (which I did have). Basically they still treated it like a "phase" for 10 years, right up to my wedding (my big gay Disney wedding).

It sounds like you're on the right path. I agree with others - you really are going to have to put your foot down hard with your DH, especially if he first thought was "Let's go to a dr so they can fix this."

Just wanted to add my hugs and support!

 

[ConcKahuna]

Here's an interesting (although old) article your husband may be interested in...

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20050128/is-there-gay-gene

Sometimes it can be good for a parent (especially a dad in these situations) to know that it wasn't that they "failed" as a father, but that their child was born the way they are.

 

[hematite153]

I'm sorry you didn't get a better answer from the local PFLAG representative. I guess you got stuck with the reality that a volunteer organization is only as good as the person who answers the phone when you call.

I wouldn't give up on them though. Try going to the meeting in a few weeks. Chances are there will be someone able to offer better advice/support.

Renting a movie isn't actually a bad idea. There are some good films out there that could lead to discussion -- some that are serious and some that are pure comedy. But, it's hard to be sure which type of movie would work best without knowing you and your DS and your relationship (not to mention your taste in movies).

I highly recommend that you avoid lying in the midst of the discussion. In other words, I was somewhat uncomfortable with the suggestions that you pretend you were just naturally wondering, but, I understood the motivation behind those suggestions. But, I really wouldn't talk about someone else's kid coming out unless you actually have that person to invite over to dinner later. Given that you said your kids know that you monitor their cell phones and computer usage routinely, I actually wouldn't necessarily avoid telling him how you found out.

Here's a question. If you had checked the cell phone and found a similar exchange with a girl, what would you have done? It's not completely the same, because you probably need to reassure your son that it's okay to be himself and to let you know who he is. But, it's somewhat the same, because if you'd confront him about the texts with a girl then you still should. And/or if the texts with a girl would lead to a safe sex discussion, then, you should have that same discussion. Or, if the texts would have led you to invite a girlfriend to dinner with the family then you should invite the boyfriend to dinner too. So, it's at least worth considering what your reaction would have been to that variation.

Awhile back someone asked whether your gay friends are people that your DS knows and I don't think you answered. Are they? Could you have them over for dinner before having the conversation with your DS so that he could enter the conversation reminded that you will accept him?

 

[sirJeffrey90]

This IS a tough situation. I'm sorry I can't give you any further advice than what has already been provided, but I wanted to wish you the very best of luck!

 

[dreweyj]

Hey there! I agree that the advice you've been given so far has been great. I just wanted to pipe up because I think it's wonderful how you are approaching this situation, and sometimes in times like this, you forget how special you are to want to do things the right way.

I just recently turned 30, and my mom has known about me for about 10 years. The day she found out, she point blanked asked me if I was gay. I told her I was. At first, her reaction was far from what I would call ideal. But one day, something clicked and she initiated a great conversation with me about it. That's when our relationship took off.

First off, feel rest assured that you are doing the right thing. You are trying to find a way to break the ice in a tactful and sensitive way. Even though your first instinct is to come right out and ask your son, you are contemplating the various methods of bringing it up and that is noble. In my case, I would have preferred my Mom to bring up the observations she had made and let me "explain" my actions/behavior - rather than be so direct. It would have been more comfortable that way.

Secondly, my mom didn't give me the "I love you no matter what" speech when we talked. But had she of, it would have definitely made me feel so much more comfortable and prepared to open up to her. Just your attitude about this situation is inspiring. And even though your son knows deep down inside that you love him unconditionally, he still needs to hear it.

Lastly, your son is very fortunate. You have so much love in your heart for him to approach this situation the way you are. Once you have your talk with him, no matter what happens, just know that you have made much more of an effort than many other parents. Whether your son recognizes that right away or not, he will appreciate that for years to come.
I personally appreciate you for the way you are going about this!

 

[hematite153]

I also wanted to say that I'm glad you're talking to your husband and pushing him to grow and accept. You are right, how you react now could affect your entire future relationship with your son. It's awesome that you are aware of it and working to ensure it.

 

[pbthompson]

.

 

[KPeveler]

Something that would have helped me during my teenage years and my coming out process would have been if my parents had taken care not to make comments about disliking gay people, or avoiding criticizing openly gay people (even if their critique had nothing to do with being gay). I know it sounds silly, and I would never expect my parents to do that now (like not saying they found Rosie O'Donnell obnoxious - a fact that had nothing to do with whom she was dating), but as a teenager everything is out of whack and I was WAY oversensitive.

I am not saying you should start taping Ellen or quote Brokeback Mountain or anything, but if he is struggling with this, hearing anything negative attached to anything LGBTQetc may make things harder.

 

[Sphyrna]

I agree with most of what has been said. First, I think you're going about this in the correct way. I don't think you should say you a friend's son came out or anything else like that. You want your son to be honest with you so you should be honest with him. Since they know you monitor their cell phones you could be completely honest. But he still might have some negative backlash from that. So I would just do the movie or take him to his favorite place for lunch or dinner and talk to him. Confirm that you love him no matter what and just talk to him. Of course, I don't know what the interaction is like with you and your son and how easy it is for you and him to talk. But I'd start there. Keep us posted!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I think you are doing fine. Using the premise of someone else's child coming out worked, and right now that's what matters.

Use every opportunity to let him know that gay is fine. His use of the terms in a derogatory manner could be an indication of self loathing (something to really guard against) or a simple ploy to keep anyone from realizing that he is gay. Regardless, what you said to him was perfect and should have been said to any teen using words that have the potential to hurt others.

If you really want to go for broke run down a complete series of Queer and Folk and have at it. Immersion therapy.

I'm really sorry your PFLAG didn't seem so great right off the bat. Some are better than others, just like Centers.

Good for your husband. It's clear that you both care and will do what it takes to make this kiddo know he's loved for who he is.

Give him space, and keep up the love. You are doing a great job.

 

[fairlygay]

Can't add more than what has already been said here. Just know there is alot of us hoping everything turns out ok.