Advice needed.

[stemikger]

I know this may be TMI for some, but I really would like your advice.

My 13 year old daughter just came out to me and my wife about being bisexual. I was shocked. My reaction was that no matter what she is, I will always love her and accept her.

However, do you think she is gay and confused. I understand being gay, but I have a hard time about being bi. She insisted that she was pretty sure she was bi. I told her it would be hard for her because when she meets someone and falls in love, she might desire the other sex and that wouldn't be fair to do to someone. I know she is young and this might be a phase, but do you think I handeled this the right way.

I asked her if she would like to talk to a professional about her feelings and she said yes, so now she goes to someone once a week.

I told her that I love her and whatever choice she makes about her life, I will stand behind her and she will always be my little girl. She is my only child and the center of our world and I mean it when I say I will always stand behind her choice.

I have several gay friends who didn't have supportive parents, and they went through so much turmoil because of it, that I don't want my child to go through.

Again, did I do the right thing and any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[OrlandoMike]

Did any of us really know what was going on at the age of 13? Wow, what a tough age!

Just stand by her, give her unconditional love, and I'm sure everything will turn out fine!

 

[padalyn]

Your support and love will do her more good than anything else you can do or say.

Therapy is always a great idea - are you also seeing someone? You sound like you may be in need of a professional to talk to as well.

I was lucky - my parents were very supportive, however, I also didn't make my realization until I was well into adulthood.

Your daughter will have a rough road - create a safe haven for her and she will survive all the times ahead.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Anything is possible at 13. You are a great parent for taking her seriously and making sure she understands that you love her. Period.

It is a time of adjustment, awakening to sexuality always is; for both parents and young adult child.

If she is gaining support and insight from the therapy then fine, but I'd want to be certain that it was not confusing her, or trying to "push" her in any one direction.

She will be who she is. You will help her in that journey with your obvious love and complete support.

 

[Saxton]

You and your wife are doing the best thing possible by showing her unconditional love and support. As Mike said, 13 (and all the teen years!) is a very tough time and no matter what there is bound to be angst. Keep the doors of communication open. Being bi or gay shouldn't matter as much as growing into an adult in a safe and secure environment - and you and your wife seem to be doing that right. You may also want to look into PFLAG - I don't have any experience with the group but I've heard wonderful things about them and it would be a way for you to meet other parents who are going through the same things.

 

[bubie2.5]

It seems your reaction was the right one.
She's only 13, and I know things have change “a little” since I was that age, but she might be a little confused. Maybe she’s bi, maybe she’s hetero and has a little crush on a female friend, or maybe she’s gay but still can appreciate a handsome guy when she sees one. In any case, therapy will be good for her.
Things will not be easy, but having her family on her side will make it a lot better.

 

[OrlandoMike]

http://www.pflag.org/

Great idea! I too have heard great things about PFLAG!

I think Dear Abby is an honorable member or something like that!

 

[daannzzz]

In 1971 when I was 15 years old I put all the info togethar and figured out I was gay. It wasn't like I was all of a sudden gay but that all the stuff I had been feeling for a couple years (or more) I was able to identify.
She could be bi or gay or not but she is definately feeling something and because of todays more open environment she is able to identify the feelings sooner than we did.
Just being open, loving and available will be great for her. Keep it up.

 

[ChrizJen]

I think you're doing just fine. All she really needs from you right now is all of your love and support, and it seems you're giving that to her. Good job, and do work to keep that communication open with her. She really is going to need a strong support system in the years ahead, and who better for that than her parents?!?! Good job!!


"I told her it would be hard for her because when she meets someone and falls in love, she might desire the other sex and that wouldn't be fair to do to someone."

...This is the only comment that you made that I would like to correct. This is no more likely to happen than with any commited relationship. Infedility is infedelity, whether you're leaving a man for another woman or a woman for another woman. It's still not fair to the one being left. Bisexuality can be difficult to comprehend, and I think that bisexuals get a bad rap. (Even from the GLBT community sometimes!) It's definitely more difficult to understand how someone could be attracted to both men and women! In fact, I even thought at one time that bisexuals just couldn't make up their minds! LOL But when I met someone who was bi, I realized that her attractions are just as legitimate as mine were. She eventually found her "soulmate" (who happens to be a man), and is now happily married with children. I was in a couple of relationships with men before I realized that I was a lesbian, and it took me a while (well into my adulthood) to really define who I was. Self-realization and identification can be a long, tough journey. But the important part is that she is who she is no matter what, and you love her! She doesnn't really need any definitive labels just yet.

I honestly think that your DD is still experimenting with who she is, and who she is attracted to, so it's possible that she hasn't pinpointed it just yet. But just remember that bisexuality is real, and it isn't any more or less difficult to deal with than being gay or straight.

Good luck, and keep up the good work! And I would definitely recommend PFLAG for you and your wife! It's a great organization with great people!

-Christal

 

[RickinNYC]

I think, given your obvious love, you can be assured that your daughter will not have the same negative experiences that your gay friends have come across. Once most significant thing that likely was lacking for them that your daughter has is your unfaltering support.

I only wish there were more parents like you out there.

Feel free to keep on posting on this board. We're here to help, not only with Disney planning, but with things in general.

 

[rosiep]

Hi!

Just to add my two cents: I think you're daughter is amazingly lucky to have you for a Dad. You're response was wonderful. Speaking as a bi woman who has been married to a man for 24 yrs..I can tell you it doesn't create any waves for us (we are monogamous).I simply find both sexes attractive, still,
I happened to have fallen in LOVE with a man!
I, too, have a daughter who is gay..who has had a boyfriend, and a daughter who does not id as gay..but has had a relationship with a girl. For us, gender just seems to be fluid and all the labels are just that..labels.
PFLAG is a great organization...they could use you Your desire to understand, love and support your daughter is the cornerstone of her well being...
I hope you and your wife will always continue to do so.

 

[stemikger]

Thanks everyone. In my heart I felt I was on the right path, but it still felt good to get it validated by people with experience.

It was very much appreciated.

 

[Ex Cast Member]

I think it is sometimes easier for young people to come out by first saying they're bi. I know I did this, and even though it may not be true, I felt less scared to tell people I was bi than gay.
It became very apparent later that I was gay all the way.

I'm not saying that this is what your daughter is doing, but it could be. For me, I didnt make a conscience decision to do it that way, it just seemed easier.

PS - I'm in no way saying that there arent true bi people. There are plenty ;-)

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS for you)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sounds like you are doing real good by your DD. Thirteen is such a hard age for anybody -- she is so lucky to have your love and support.

 

[hematite153]

Welcome to our board! Feel free to hang out in other threads and invite your daughter to join the teens (not sure if they've been very active lately, but they definitely exist).

I asked her if she would like to talk to a professional about her feelings and she said yes, so now she goes to someone once a week.

I told her that I love her and whatever choice she makes about her life, I will stand behind her and she will always be my little girl. She is my only child and the center of our world and I mean it when I say I will always stand behind her choice.

These two pieces of your post were the parts I reacted to most strongly.

Your daughter is lucky to have your unconditional love--I believe that unconditional love is the biggest gift we, as human beings, can give to others.

Plus, offering her the opportunity to explore her feelings with someone who is there to listen every week is a great gift for any teenager regardless of sexuality.

My one caution is with the word 'choice'. There are a lot of people in society who will tell her that she has a choice, but, that is certainly not how it feels to me. As a bi woman, the pressure to make a 'choice' that will make you fit in better can be really bad. Being told that you have a choice when you don't can be demoralizing. Note: I'm not saying that you are telling her this, just that other people probably will. So, you may wish to be careful with the word.

I, too, have a daughter who is gay..who has had a boyfriend, ...

OT--rosiep: I don't think I knew this detail....

I think it is sometimes easier for young people to come out by first saying they're bi. I know I did this, and even though it may not be true, I felt less scared to tell people I was bi than gay.

And, people who are bi often find it easier to come out as gay--that's what I did. (Funny how many variations there are on how we do the same thing, eh?)