advice needed.. warning vent ahead!

[robin09]

Wow, all i can say is I am so very happy school is ending in 4 more days.... I really can't take much more... DD is 9 has aspergers, adhd, ocd, sensory problems and reactions to eating food with color dyes. That in a nutshell is my daughter... very active, never quiet... She is in a classroom of 7 kids, with a safe room, 1 teacher, 2 aides. (1 aide is very young) I am not a complainer, and I rarely if ever confront anyone.... She is mainstreamed for math, science and specials.... Here's my day....

For the past 2months my daughter has come home and told me various things her young aide has said to her... she told her she doesnt have aspergers, she needs deoderant... (I never said a word to her teacher, who this past 2 months came down with cancer.. I figured little things, I'm not going to bother him... So yesterday Jenn comes home to say her aide told her she should take prozac to stop her "touchy"...Jenn needs to touch things sometimes several times to calm herself. Well, I was incensed... I called her teacher to let him know what was going on....He thanked me said he would take care of it...

Today was a class trip with her Mainstream class, about a 10 minute walk to a stream, to eat lunch and then see what's living in the stream... I arrive, jenn's in tears, she's not allowed to bring her doll.. "it won't be fair to the other kids"...ok, fine... I tell jenn, don't worry we'll put valentine in the car and she'll watch it for us. (She brings this doll everywhere, everyday).. We make it past that hurdle.... We get to the stream, eat our lunch... and the kids bring out their balls, frisbees, bats.... ughhh... noone wants to play with jenn she tries, but keeps coming back they won't let me play.,....

Now her teacher tells everyone to get on their other shoes... HUH? Jenn didn't bring a 2nd pair, but her crocs are ok to get wet.... Her teacher tells me NO, "it's not fair to the other kids" She must have a 2nd pair..... I call my hubby to bring me a 2nd pair.. he's at work.. 2 minutes away, house is 2 minutes away, no problem. Jenn wants to go to the stream to be with the others... the teacher blocks her and says she can't until the 2nd pair are there... I tell the teacher... My husband is bringing them, he'll be right there.... NO, It's not fair, I MUST see them first..., Jenn's in tears crying.... Hubby comes and asks her is it fair that she can't be in the stream with the others? Teacher comes and says SIR, I will not DISCUSS this with you, I already had it out with your wife over this... UGHHHHH I tell her, I'm taking jenn out with me now, and she is not to return to her class.. Teadher tells me , fine, I'll call the school... I tell her not to bother , that I have them On the phone right now! DH asks her if she sent a note home about the 2nd pair of shoes.. She says no.. I TOLD them to bring it.. Now Jenn is not in her class all day. I told her she knows Jenn has issues, and at times doesn't tell me everything... shouldn't she have sent a note home?

I'm sorry, I'm really fuming here... Am I being oversensitive? I'm seriously thinking of contacting the board of ed over this. Can someone please give me advice? I feel so bad for my daughter, and all I can hear is this teacher telling me "it's not fair to the other kids". I know that there is only 4 days left, but this is a small town.....

 

[Schmeck]

You need to contact the principal of the school first. If you don't get the problem resolved, contact the superintendent. If you go to the school board first, you are basically burning every single bridge you may need later.

You are not over-reacting. Where was your daughter's non-Mainstream teacher, the one with cancer? Was he on the trip too?

Definitely follow up on all of this - from what you have stated, it sounds like this teacher was out to get your child, and make her trip miserable.

 

[robin09]

You need to contact the principal of the school first. If you don't get the problem resolved, contact the superintendent. If you go to the school board first, you are basically burning every single bridge you may need later.

You are not over-reacting. Where was your daughter's non-Mainstream teacher, the one with cancer? Was he on the trip too?

Definitely follow up on all of this - from what you have stated, it sounds like this teacher was out to get your child, and make her trip miserable.

HI, Thankyou for answering, I'm at such a loss. Daughters' Non Mainstream teacher was not there, this was only for her mainstream class. The non mainstream class has kids from 1st grade thru 5th grade. He must stay with them.

Thanks for the info on contacting the superintendent. I didn't know there was someone after the principal (who hasn't called me back yet after 5 hours) and before the school board.

 

[pilgrimr]

Sorry, for your problem with the field trip. I don't think you are oversensitive. First, I can not believe that the teach would believe that any child will tell their parents everything. Second, if the teacher aid is saying those things, then she is in the wrong field. Third, I would have been upset about the teacher saying it is not fair. Your DD knows all about it not being fair.
I do agree with the pp about not going to the school board. I think that you should meet with the principal and teacher, and talk about how to prevent something like this again. Maybe something for her individual education plan about having information sent home. If you get no results from that, then maybe going higher up.

 

[robin09]

Sorry, for your problem with the field trip. I don't think you are oversensitive. First, I can not believe that the teach would believe that any child will tell their parents everything. Second, if the teacher aid is saying those things, then she is in the wrong field. Third, I would have been upset about the teacher saying it is not fair. Your DD knows all about it not being fair.
I do agree with the pp about not going to the school board. I think that you should meet with the principal and teacher, and talk about how to prevent something like this again. Maybe something for her individual education plan about having information sent home. If you get no results from that, then maybe going higher up.

Great Idea about putting it into her IEP, I didn't think about that... mainly because this has never come up before! You know, it's the little things that you don't expect that totally floor you! And you're right about Jenn knowing about things not being fair!

Update: Just got off the phone with Principal. He told me how he's seen the teacher with Jenn during an observation, and there never was a problem before. He stated he needs to get more info and will call me back tomorrow, as tonight is kindergarten orientation. I am so frustrated right now, I know my Daughter will go back to school tomorrow and hug this teacher, she just lets everything flow.... It's me with the anger and resentment towards this teacher... I wish I could be more like my daughter right now!

 

[Narnia]

Is she the kind of kid to tell stories? My children can come up with quite amazing stories. The deoderant,prozac and doesn't have this or that sound like a tale to me. I do belive kids can tell the truth but if kids feel it'll shock someone some times thet fib. I have 2 great story tellers one told the guy next door I let him smoke and drink beer. The teacher was a bit rude about the shoes why did they need to change them? My kids school they are allowed to bring soft friends to class but I don't know about field trips.Did they not send a form home with a permission slip? Ask for an agenda to be sent home with detailed instructions.

 

[robin09]

Is she the kind of kid to tell stories? My children can come up with quite amazing stories. The deoderant,prozac and doesn't have this or that sound like a tale to me. I do belive kids can tell the truth but if kids feel it'll shock someone some times thet fib. I have 2 great story tellers one told the guy next door I let him smoke and drink beer. The teacher was a bit rude about the shoes why did they need to change them? My kids school they are allowed to bring soft friends to class but I don't know about field trips.Did they not send a form home with a permission slip? Ask for an agenda to be sent home with detailed instructions.

Jenn doesn't tell stories. She tells things, as they happen matter of factly. The aide did admit to doing what was said and she won't be coming back next year from what I was told. As for the permission slip, yes one came home that I signed. It told us the time and to bring bagged lunches and a drink, but NO glass. Yesterday a reminder notice came home about the trip telling the times and again about the lunch and NO glass. Nothing was said about the shoes.

The teacher said they needed a dry pair to walk back to school with. That was her whole explanation to me. SHe said it didn't matter that Jenn's was plastic (crocs), it wouldn't be fair to the other kids for her NOT to have a 2nd pair! I'm still amazed at this one!

 

[bookwormde]

Yes an IEP meeting is definitely the place to start. I would not mince worlds there. Insist on an appropriate level of Aspergers training for all the school personnel who have responsibility for your child. Start the conversation with letting the team know the level of damage that occurred in the incidents you described above (while your daughter may let these roll of her back they do have a cumulative effect of raising anxiety level which is very damaging). The Prozac comment (clear violation of IDEA) is cause for the aid to be fired, even if was just to a parent it is a serious violation, so anything less than that is by your grace.

Also let the Principle know that it was his responsibility to assign adequately trained personnel and in this case it is clear that this did not occur. Also it is the supervising teachers responsibly to verify that the paraprofessionals (aids are no longer part of the “lingo”) are receiving the proper training for the population being served and that they are acting appropriately.

Do not let them put of the IEP meeting till fall, With this level of ongoing inappropriate actions by school staff it needs to be dealt with and personnel changes and additional continuing education about Asperges completed this summer.

After a couple of pre diagnosis incidents less serious than this one, I make it a point for someone in my family to be a chaperone on all field trips, even though my son is mainstreamed, just because these adventures have such different dynamics. I know this is not possible for all families but if possible is a good idea.

I would have been beyond angry also, but just use these incidents as a benchmark and leverage as to what needs changed in her school environment and do not take no for an answer at the IEP meeting.

bookwormde

 

[mechurchlady]

I send you hugs.

A lot of things are going wrong and for one is a that the parent arguing in front of a child is wrong. As for stories, boy do I see some doozies but kids too often give little clues to adults on things that are seriously wrong. Kids sometimes misunderstand what adults say or try to explain things in ways that confuse adults. "You stink" may be replayed by a child as "You need deodorant" because to that kid "You stink" literally means a person with body odour and not a person of an inferior quality.

It is obvious that your kid is not properly being managed daily let alone long term. It is sad that they cannot provide the proper atmosphere for your child and a teacher should not care if she has a doll as the goal is to get the kid through high school even if it means graduating while carrying a doll. They sure need to work on priorities.

I leave you chocolates and hugs.
Laurie

 

[robin09]

Yes an IEP meeting is definitely the place to start. I would not mince worlds there. Insist on an appropriate level of Aspergers training for all the school personnel who have responsibility for your child. Start the conversation with letting the team know the level of damage that occurred in the incidents you described above (while your daughter may let these roll of her back they do have a cumulative effect of raising anxiety level which is very damaging). The Prozac comment (clear violation of IDEA) is cause for the aid to be fired, even if was just to a parent it is a serious violation, so anything less than that is by your grace.

Also let the Principle know that it was his responsibility to assign adequately trained personnel and in this case it is clear that this did not occur. Also it is the supervising teachers responsibly to verify that the paraprofessionals (aids are no longer part of the “lingo”) are receiving the proper training for the population being served and that they are acting appropriately.

I'm writing this in a rush, so please forgive if my spelling is off. I had a meeting with the Principal this morning.. last night was insanity.... A guy comes screaming in my yard how he's going to FN kill my dh, screaming, cursing.. I had to get between hubby and him (I never saw this man before), A neighbor pulled my daughter away, and the police were called. They arrived, the guy left. DH filed charges but didn't press them. He tried to be calm here, thinking we live in a small town....

Anyway.. today is the school picnic (at a town park) for 3rd graders.. and I'm FORBIDDEN to go.... I pulled Jenn out of class... her choice between staying in school with her special ed class or coming home.... Principal stated DH is not allowed on school grounds now without his permission.... If I weren't there yesterday Jenn would've behaved differently.... Don't think about yesterday, the whole year was good. I was invading teaher's "classroom" during the school trip and basically "challenging" her teachings... Principal's words, not mine...

He said it didn't break any school laws that the husband of the teacher came to my home threatening... It's a small town and everyone knows where everyone lives... He said he was in touch with the superintendent and his lawyers to make sure that everything is on the up and up.

I'm sitting here in tears, thinking about homeschooling.. I don't know what to do , I don't know what is right and what is wrong. I've never had a problem before I have grown kids that have gone thru college. This is my baby that's home.. 9 years old and I'm forbidden to go to the school picnic and DH is allowed nesar the school.. yet we've been threatened and harassed.. Does any of this make sense? What can I possibly do?

 

[KirstenB]

I'm so sorry. Honestly it sounds like they're bullying your whole family! I'm glad it's the end of the school year, but at the same time, this whole situation needs to be addressed calmly by everyone, so it doesn't get repeated.

It sounds like both the principal and teacher don't understand that extra accomodations need to be made in these situations. They both need training in working with special needs kids. The "extra shoes" thing should have been right on the permission slip. Could her special ed teacher help give them some info on working with exceptional kids?

Having said that, you say it's a small town. Your daughter won't have this teacher next year as her mainstream teacher, correct? At this point, everything has escalated way beyond the original problem. Is there an advocate you could bring with you to the IEP meeting? If there's a local Autism chapter, maybe they have someone who could help represent your daughter, and look at teh big picture in spelling out accomodations for next year.

Special events like field trips and class parties should be fun for everyone, not just the regular ed kids. I think the ball gets dropped a lot during those events. The teacher is already stressed, dealing with kids being out of the classroom, watching all of them constantly, etc. You wouldn't have needed to chaperone, if her aide/parapro wasn't so crappy. She should be glad you chaperoned.

I understand you asking about homeschooling, but remember it's their job to provide her with a free, appropriate education. Not saying homeschool isn't a consideration, but don't let them bully you into that decision.

Is there a director of special ed services in your county? Our school has one, and I think they'd be able to clue your principal in the importance of serving all kids, not just the easy ones. Again, I'm so sorry.

 

[toodycat]

This is an outrageous violation of your daughter's rights. It may not be fair to the other kids but the whole point of special ed is to make exceptions for "special children" in order to educate them. It's not fair that your daughter can wear her crocs. Gee, it's not fair that she has Asperger's either! Is there a SEPTA or other special ed. parents' group that could help advocate for you?

Hugs,

Jane, mom to an ASD son

 

[Schmeck]

The teacher's husband came to your home, the police had to be called, and nothing is being done about that? Who will not press charges, your husband or the police department?

I can't imagine this happening in my town - why is your husband banned from school property? For talking to the teacher? Did he threaten her? Or was she just mad at being questioned about her behavior?

Can you afford a lawyer? It sounds like you're going to need one, and soon!

 

[kmjmom]

First, I am sorry for your negative experiences and I agree that a PPT sounds like a great idea. You should get all of your concerns out at a meeting with the entire team. This is tough timing since at least here, school is out for the year. At least if you knew you had one scheduled for the first week of school or the week before, you could be sure to start the year on a positive track. Also, if you contact your State Dept of Ed. they should be able to put you in touch with an advocate who could help you to assure a free and appropriate program for your daughter. It sounds like a home school communication book would be a good idea too. I use one with many of my students who cannot be expected to convey the volume of info that is needed between home and school. It helps to avoid miscommunications and/or lost notices as well as homework info and a daily update. Good luck and don't give up on your school system! Usually people involved with children with special needs are caring and supportive!

 

[Hasil72]

I am so sorry that you are going through this to begin with. That's horrible. I'm both the parent of an ASD child and I work for the central administration office for a local school district and the one thing you should definitely do is take a deep breath and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Trust me, that's what the school is doing. Make a timeline to the best of your ability including each and every detail possible. Follow the chain of command... you started with the principal, next try to schedule an appointment with him, then the superintendent. The superintendent will ask if you spoke wit teh principal before even entertaining the idea of speaking with you. Tell them you would like to discuss the situation and clarify YOUR side of the story. Remain clam and respectful but if they decline your request to meet, send them a certified letter with your timeline, etc. explaining that since they dismissed your request for a sit down, you felt obligated to submityour thoughts to them in writing to serve as documentation. I would cc (send regular snail mail) everyone on your child's team as well as the director of special services (or whomever oversees your child study team). In most districts administrators work all year. Unfortunately, so do their assistants.

The fact that you and your husband are now shunned while there are absolutely no ramifications for the teacher's husband is reprehensible.

If I can help in any way from the administration point of view, please PM me. Sending happy thoughts your way.

Lisa

 

[bookwormde]

Amazing the school is trying to justify their incompetence by somehow blaming you. It is time to have a meeting with the school superintendent since the principle seems to have an unrealistic attitude. If the principle is not more supportive then you have little choice but to initiate process all levels.

They are again violating her IDEA rights by excluding her from the picnic. I would call the state Ed office for special education and talk to the IDEA compliance officer and give him the same run down as you have given here and get his opinion.

I would give the principle I more chance before you start process to see if she “wakes up” if not let her know that you intend to utilize the full force of the law and process to ensure your child gets and appropriate education.

You have a large number of process potential issues including

Bullying by both the paraprofessional who made inappropriate comments to your child and the teacher who would not make accommodations for your child.

The schools failure to have properly trained staff to meet your child’s needs.

Charges against the teachers husband who may have assaulted your husband.

Denial of your child’s rights under IDEA for not allowing her to fully participate in the picnic.

While there might be some reasoning behind you’re husbands not being on school grounds until a full investigation of the school incident, you being restricted beyond that of other parents are way out of bounds. Sound like retaliation for calling them on all of there incompetence.

I am one who will avoid process at all cost but in this case if the 2 ideas I gave are not effective I would let them have it with all available legal means

I guess this does not help you settle down much but with what you are facing I do not think I could be very calm either.

Let them know that you want meetings with no delay of process will begin immediately.

bookwormde

 

[robin09]

I want to thank everyone who has come on board here and written to me. You cannot imagine how helpful the help has been.

* guess this does not help you settle down much but with what you ar facing I do not think I could be very calm either.

Let them know that you want meetings with no delay of process will begin immediately.

bookwormde* It does help settle me down a bit, the kind words, you cannot imagine how they help!


*If I can help in any way from the administration point of view, please PM me. Sending happy thoughts your way. Lisa *

Lisa, thankyou so much, I might just take you up on that.

*It sounds like a home school communication book would be a good idea too. I use one with many of my students who cannot be expected to convey the volume of info that is needed between home and school. It helps to avoid miscommunications and/or lost notices as well as homework info and a daily update.* kmjmom We do use a book that goes back and forth each day, that lets me know how the day went, how Jenn was and anything special... Unfortunately the mainstream teacher does not write in it and Jenn's special ed teacher, keeps me up to date.

*The teacher's husband came to your home, the police had to be called, and nothing is being done about that? Who will not press charges, your husband or the police department?* Shmeck.... I am the one who prefers not to press charges.... The teachers husband would end up doing time and I truly can't see me making that happen. They have a little child at home. The charges are filed, just not pressed at this time. I hate confrontation and hate hurting someon's life.... I just don't know....

*Having said that, you say it's a small town. Your daughter won't have this teacher next year as her mainstream teacher, correct? At this point, everything has escalated way beyond the original problem. Is there an advocate you could bring with you to the IEP meeting? If there's a local Autism chapter, maybe they have someone who could help represent your daughter, and look at teh big picture in spelling out accomodations for next year.* Kirsten B... No, she won't have the same teacher next year. I am getting the local chapter involved and Jenn's service provider is now involved also.

This whole thing has been such an ordeal... the teacher apparently was talking about the "incident" at the picnic, without naming names. This was told to me by a couple of parents. This is escalating out of control.. I'm so embarassed. The principal basically has made it my fault that Jenn didn't go to the picnic... I should allow her to go, how can I deny her the joy? I told him, that jenn would enjoying sitting in a corner and playing with a blade of grass, that I couldn't trust his staff to watch her correctly to walk the mile to the park and back. He said over and over how I'm denying her the pleasure. I'm at the end of my rope, and just so frustrated.. I moved here from nyc 9 years ago to avoid all this, to have peace and quiet.. instead this...

Jenn's service provider just faxed me paperwork for legal documentation and who to contact.. I really hate this, I just don't know.. how this happens... it's just a little girl who loves everybody all she wanted to do was go in the water like her classmates....

 

[jodifla]

I'm SO sorry you are going through this. It's awful!!!!! The mainstream teacher is a JERK!



If I were you, I'd get a lawyer who specializes in special education in your area. That person will know the players. You can even consult with them without them getting involved in meetings. They can be your coach...or, they can come to the meetings if you need them to face down these people.

You need an advocate who knows the law, and will get them to follow it!

 

[skoi]

No really good advice to add, though I agree with jodifla on the attorney. Our neighbors had a horrible time get correct services for their son with Autism at our local school, and it wasn't until the lawyers got involved that they would cooperate with the family.

 

[toodycat]

Some school districts only take you seriously if you bring in a special ed. advocate or an attorney. You might have to do that. My guess is that a school with a principal with that ignorant attitude is out of compliance on a lot of special ed and handicapped issues.

I realize you don't want to press charges about the teacher's husband coming to your home. However, I might take that one to the superintendent since the principal has clearly been no help and imply that you haven't decided whether or not you are going to press charges. It might serve as useful leverage. You might want to bring an attorney or special ed advocate with you. As hard as it is, keep yourself calm and state events objectively without talking about how you feel. Just say what happened. That teacher behaved shamefully and any professional worth anything will see that. You are being way too nice.


My thoughts are with you. Best of luck!

Jane