Advice Needed, re MySpace & Partners

[mushumadness]

Ok I am trying not to overreact here, ....

Ok I am furious if truth be known

I always knew Chris talked to girls on my space,ok its a free country, and I trust him (or so I thought)

He suggested meeting someone he has known a long time, and I didnt mind, as long as I knew and that it was somewhere public. (yes some may kick me for that)

This someone is female. and my thoughts on her right now I cant put into nice language.

So I came home Friday and he had been to see her as her HOUSE, so thats where the problem began, I am also kinda unhappy he went knowing that when he did come home I wouldnt be happy.

He only stayed 30mins apparently,

And now I am nurt and jealous and can bearly bear him to touch me. its honestly wripping me apart, and he thinks I am overreacting.

Then he comes to bed last night, after to msn her for two hours wanting to go see her while I am at Disney on ice on Tuesday, I said I dont want him to, but then I cant really stop him as I am going out and its a free world and he is a grown man. he thinks I am overreacting and that he has sworn he would never touch her, while I may believe him, I HAVE NO SUCH FAITH IN HER

What kind of woman, goes after a man whos about to get married, who's fiance just misscarried, and who he is still trying actively for a famil with

I am so ready to scream, Ive no one to talk about it to,

Am I over reacting?

Also he does tell me what they talk about, eventually and that *** word has been talked about in general. but I hope not about it for them together

I think my world just gave up and I really need some advice and a friend

 

[fizz13]

Oh Anna, my heart goes out to you, it really does. I have seen a couple of relationships fall apart because of flippin MySpace. I think you are right to be upset, sepecially as you had given him the ok to meet her, but somewhere public, and he deliberately went to her house instead!
However, you don't know if this woman is really after him, it is possible to be just friends with someone. What i would be miffed about is that Chris wants to see her when you are not around, even if he is being honest about it. Is there a reason that you can't meet her? I get that she is his friend, but she should understand that you come as a couple and if nothing is going on there should be no problem in you being included in these meetings. And Chris should check his sensitivity chip, after all you have just been through one of the most traumatic things a woman can go through and if he can see this is upsetting you, well your feelings should come first now!
Ask him if you can meet her, or say as he was invited to hers then its only polite that she now be invited to yours, that way you have control on your home territory, and she will see that you are a solid couple
So sorry that you are feeling like this, don't let the trust you had for him be destroyed by this, at least he is being honest about everything, hes not acting like a man with something to hide, so keep that in your mind. And have faith in yourself, that Chris loves you, he wants to marry you, he chose you!! I'm sure you are 10 of her.
Sending big hugs and let us know what happens. I'll be thinking of you xx

 

[Obi Wan Kenobi]

If he is being honest about telling you he wants to see her whilst you are out, then he isn't playing around.
he is being very honest with you, thats not how these situations normally turn into other things.

But you do have to be careful of not overreacting though. That can be a recipe for problems.

 

[wilma-bride]

Anna, my Dad and Step-Mum have just been through a very similar thing with my Dad seeing someone he was in contact with through Friends Reunited. It very nearly cost them their 15-year marriage and, to be perfectly honest, I am still not sure they are out of the woods even though my Dad is no longer seeing her.

However, I will say that I do not put the blame entirely on the other woman. As much as I am sure that it seems the easy thing to do, you need to remember that it takes two to Tango (such a cliche, I apologise ). I don't necessarily think Chris is up to no good - as he is being honest with you at the moment, I would say the chances are it's all perfectly innocent and they are just friends. Try hard not to fall into the trap of slagging her off to him as that may just turn him against you. Claire's suggestion is a good one - suggest that you meet her also - you will then be able to judge for yourself whether you have anything to be concerned about.

 

[T16GEM]

Anna, I am sorry that you are going through this esp after everything that has happened recently, I agree with Fizz - get him to invite her round to see that you are together and a solid couple. I am sure that she will back off if she sees that.
Men are insensitive when it comes to things like this and TBH my DH wouldn't see any problem with it if it were us in this situation - he sees the good in everyone and can't see things that are staring him in the face. He would just say that I am over reacting and worrying about nothing. Luckily he only knows two websites and wouldn't have a clue about myspace!

If I were you I would sit him down and impress on him how hurt and upset it's making you feel and tell him that you are still not over the miscarriage etc and I am sure that he will see sense. Let us know how you get on.
gems xx

 

[mark&sue]

can you check to see what kind of things they write to each other?

My friend's ex husband used to spend ages each night on the computer before he went to bed and my friend never checked out the e:mails etc until it was too late. It was a friends reunited website and he left my friend and two children for a girl living in Canada that he knew when they were 14. 20 years of marriage he threw away. This girl actually left her husband and three children to come back to the UK and live with my friend's husband.

After he left, my friend and her daughters checked out the e mails on the PC and they found some horrible things.

I would add that my friends husband up until then had been very trustworthy and a wonderful father. Totally out of character.

So to put your mind at rest if you can just check to make sure their "chats to each other" are friends type of chats and not too risque.

It probably really is nothing to worrry about and if you can see that they are only friends you will feel so much better.

My heart goes out to you at this awful time. I know how awful it is to worry about this and it really does knock your confidence.

Hopefully everthing will be fine soon and you can start looking forward to your wedding.


Susan

 

[Beth__WDW23/6/02]

I think Men at times seriously just DO NOT THINK.
Us women are sensitive souls and what you have written I would of acted the same way and to be honest I think I would of thrown DP out.
Over reacting or not,your partner said he would meet her in a public place,but I wouldnt call her home a public place and if I am honest I'd think its far too intimate on a first meeting.
I do believe however he is telling the truth but what is the womans motives? I find it odd how she has met a man in her own home! why not some where public as planned?

I would see what they write (yes people say this is wrong) but I'd be curious as to what they say to each other.I'd also ask why the public meeting changed to a House meeting.
And I'd ask to meet her myself! just to see what she is like as a person,is she married with someone,children and so on.

Sometimes Men find comfort in another woman and not as in sexual more where they can talk more freely about there feelings,and so on.
But I would be the same as you,I would of most probably over reacted,kicked DP out,and cried. As tbh I would of felt more hurt HE met another woman in her HOME.! that would hurt me.
How would he feel if you met a man in his house! when he thought you was meeting in a public place? its always expected that its fine if its them but if its us ladies its a whole different ball game.

Sending loads of cuggles. And I hope you get sorted.

 

[mushumadness]

well I have talked to im about it, told him there would be no wedding if he ever decided to touch another woman.

apparently she wants to meet me two and has a boyfriend herself.

He is now scared I will throw him out, and tells me I have been a bit of an ice berg recently which I guess I have been

I still dont like the girl though, she is very very strange after looking at her my space.

so if they meet again it will be here on my home ground, like I said I dont have any problem with being friends but if she touches him I will freak.

Two weeks away from the computer is just what he needs roll on the 27th

 

[Beth__WDW23/6/02]

{Hugs} I am glad you have spoken about it.
I definately think you should tag along and meet her too! and even say she should bring her partner along too! and see how it runs.

Have a nice break!

 

[saratogagirl]

Anna, I missed your first post as we have been away for the weekend. I am pleased you have been able to speak to Chris and let him know how you are feeling. Please don't feel you are an iceberg, you have been through a lot recently, and it msut have been so had for you. From your posts over the years it seems you and Chris has a solid relationship, and I am sure that everything will be fine, just wanted to send you a big hug. I am sure that a nice holiday is just what you both need xxx

 

[arieljasmine]

Hi Anna

Can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, but I wanted to send you a big hug all the same Hopefully a holiday is just what you need after all you have been through recently.

Laur's xx

 

[pokemon_master]

Hey Anna, What Arieljasmine said. Hope you get this sorted out.

 

[AliceGardner]

Hi Anna

I agree with what Obi has said...

If he is being honest about telling you he wants to see her whilst you are out, then he isn't playing around.
he is being very honest with you, thats not how these situations normally turn into other things.

But you do have to be careful of not overreacting though. That can be a recipe for problems.

Chris is being honest with you and that is the best policy - he is not trying to hide things (because there is nothing to hide). Over-reacting or thinking the worst (even that is what this "relationship" brings out) wont help: if you react very negatively to his honesty and openness, men may start having secrets etc (and that is never a good thing!).

My suggestion is to work with his honesty and openness and make the best of a non-ideal situation. Say that you feel uncomfortable with his friendship as it currently stands (i.e. him meeting her alone), but you would be very happy to meet her and her boyfriend for a drink/dinner. You never know, as two couples, you may all get on and you will see that Chris has no romantic interests in her .

Many/most men don't react well to negative things (like arguments, crying, frostiness, being made to choose (i.e. "it's heer or me!"), BUT they do react well to positive enforcement. If they see you making an effort, working with them, compromise etc. Better to go down the positive road: you appear to be the fabulous fiance that you are (and he remembers just why he loves you) and he feels no resentment.

Jealousy is such a negative emotion - it can tear a relationship apart even if it is essentially unfounded... Try not to sweat the little things, but encourage (in a positive way) Chris to think as a couple and not as an individual (i.e. develop any friendships - including this one - with you right there too).

Marriage is a LONG road: a fantastic road, but there will probably be some downs as well as many ups along the way. So how you (i.e. the pair of you) deal with the downs sets the tone (and overall happiness of the marriage).

Best Wishes,
Alice

 

[jen_uk]

I would not be happy at all about him going to another womans house esp if they are chatting alot online, it spells trouble. As the others have said I would check the pc to see what they have been talking about and I would definately tag along next time!

Hope it works out ok

 

[carolfoy]

I would not be happy as your express wish is that he doesn't see her when you're out and he wants to go ahead anyway. I think I'd be tempted to invite her and her man around for a nice civilised meeting when you're all together. your gut instinct will tell you whether anything else is likely to develop due to the chemistry (or not) between them. She may just be genuine in wanting his friendship, I have two v close male friends who both have partners, and yes, those partners were very suspicious of me to begin with but now, years down the line they understand that their other halves are my friends, nothing more.

 

[Nubbedy]

Anna, I'm glad you have been honest with Chris about your feelings. I don't agree that he should have gone to her house, but at least he is not trying to keep this from you. Hopefully you will get to meet her and it will all be friendly and platonic.

I agree with Jules in saying that you must not put yourself down for being an 'iceberg' - think this was a bad thing for Chris to say but sometimes these men just don't express themselves very well . You have been through a traumatic experience, and are bound to feel a little different at first.

Sending you hugs, and hoping all works out well.

Oh, and I think sites like myspace should be banned!

Sara.

 

[jdybnsn]

Sorry,
..but I don't think this appropriate behaviour for a boyfriend/fiance, whether its out in the open, or not......and I don't think you are overeacting either.

Tell him to pull the plug on the whole site....this 'friendship' has got no place in the relationship between a couple....and even more so, when it is upsetting to one of them. Why exactly does he need a new friend anyway ?...does he have none ? Sorry I'm very sceptical about so called on line friendships...I think its inviting trouble (which it sounds like it already has between you).

No way would I be happy either.

Hope you get it sorted soon {{{{HUGS}}}

 

[misskrystal]

Sorry,
..but I don't think this appropriate behaviour for a boyfriend/fiance, whether its out in the open, or not......and I don't think you are overeacting either.

Tell him to pull the plug on the whole site....this 'friendship' has got no place in the relationship between a couple....and even more so, when it is upsetting to one of them. Why exactly does he need a new friend anyway ?...does he have none ? Sorry I'm very sceptical about so called on line friendships...I think its inviting trouble (which it sounds like it already has between you).

No way would I be happy either.

Hope you get it sorted soon {{{{HUGS}}}

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this at all. I am very happy with my boyfriend, but I have male friends too, some of whom I met after Dbf and I started dating. I've also gotten in contact with old friends through sites like Friends Reunited and Facebook, all of which are completely innocent.

OP, I think your fiance handled the situation badly because, although he was honest with you, he also went against your wishes and, as a result, hurt you. Situations like this are always hard to deal with, but if he continues to be honest, ensures you are comfortable with his plans with her and most importantly, gives you a chance to get to know her, things should be fine.

Have a great wedding

 

[jdybnsn]

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this at all. I am very happy with my boyfriend, but I have male friends too, some of whom I met after Dbf and I started dating. I've also gotten in contact with old friends through sites like Friends Reunited and Facebook, all of which are completely innocent.

:

I'm not against opposite sex friendships per se.....I just think in alot of cases the online variety are often asking for trouble.....whether innocent or not.

Just my opinion

 

[misskrystal]

I'm not against opposite sex friendships per se.....I just think in alot of cases the online variety are often asking for trouble.....whether innocent or not.

Just my opinion

I think getting into contact with an old friend is fine (as long as it is purely for friendship), but you're absolutely right, someone in a relationship searching the Internet for new 'friends' is probably looking for more than just friendship.