Advice Needed - One Sided Relationship with a Neighbor

[Imzadi]

You’re paying $40,000 a year for a driver??

Yes, I know that it’s crazy. The alternative is that the kids can’t do their activities, or one of us can’t work. Maybe both of us can’t work because there are times when my husband is driving one kid and the au pair is driving the other.

That’s why other parents want to carpool.

I am not knocking you for getting specialized drivers. Here, we had SEVERAL news stories about various Lyft drivers (a couple years or so ago,) which raped women, or tried to drive them off to the route to secluded areas to try to rape them and they had to jump out of the cars. And these are adult women, not children who are even more vulnerable. I don't use Lyft at all as they don't seem to vet their drivers well or at all. And ever since there was that one woman who got into a car she thought was the Uber she hired, and it was a guy who took advantage of her wrongly getting into the car and killed her as she viciously tried to fight back, I am super careful to make sure I am getting into the right car. (That case changed how Uber does safety now, so passengers know which car is one of their cars.) So I can totally understand paying for a good, SAFE service to protect your child and any others who ride with her.

However, you have ever right to get compensated for when other children are using the service with your child. And you need the proper contact and emergency info for each child. You might even ask them to sign a paper stating they know a hired service is driving the children.

You or your husband can say starting this school year, any other children will be required to pay for their child to ride along with your child when this service is used. As someone else mentioned there is probably a policy for safety, insurance and liability issues about driving around other people's children. What if there's an accident? How will the other parents be contacted?

You have a right to say you need $XX amount of dollars for each ride. It has to be paid in advance or on the day of the ride, payable via Venmo or PayPal. Approach this as a business transaction, not some "friendship" favor that is not really there. And when they don't pay, as they won't, you can cancel the follow weeks. saying you never received payment for previous weeks and they need to make other arrangements. I would simply text that info, since you seem to have a problem saying this in person.

I’m just not sure how to do it in a way that doesn’t burn bridges unnecessarily.

With "friends" like this who use you, not sure it matters if they are "enemies." This situation is all one sided. They will NEVER be there when/if you need them for something, will they? Not flaming, but this seems more about you needing to be a "people pleaser" than about not burning bridges.

Security expert Gavin de Becker often says, "People who can't say No, end up with people who can't let go."

This situation won't change until you do say No and establish clear boundaries that you won't be USED. The way you've stated this, there is no/to very little reciprocity going on. So, this is about you not being able to say No as it makes YOU uncomfortable. You are also teaching your daughter that people will take advantage of her too, as she has no boundaries set on her behalf.

 

[kymom99]

I could write a book about parents who don’t pull their weight. I’m glad we are out of that season of our lives.

 

[lanejudy]

I am not knocking you for getting specialized drivers. ... you have ever right to get compensated for when other children are using the service with your child.

An au pair is not a "specialized driver" service, not a rideshare or taxi or car service. An au pair is a live-in nanny; typically a young person from overseas, who lives with the family for the purpose of providing childcare. What that care entails will differ from one family to the next, and OP's family with school-age kids largely appreciates having the extra adult driver in the household. The vehicle is typically owned by the family and the car insurance is through the OP's regular car insurance, just as an older child or other family member living in the household. Unlike a rideshare or taxi, the "expense" of the ride is just like any other family carpooling -- time and gas.

But I agree that if the OP doesn't want to be involved with this (or any) carpool situation they have every right to say "no thanks, that doesn't work for us."

 

[anniemae]

Personally I never liked the carpool thing either. I like to just manage my schedule and not have to wait for someone else's kid or drive across town to pick up kids. (I don't mind if it is an occasional thing to help out, like if the mom is not feeling well or has a prior commitment and can't drive that day or something.) I know people who don't mind at all and will happily take other kids back and forth with no ill feelings. Everyone is different. If you want to keep carpooling I would politely insist that they cover both ways on Saturday, otherwise there is no benefit to you.

If you want to cut it off completely, you need to be clear and firm. I would tell them you will take their kids this week, but starting next week on (insert a date) you will no longer be participating in the carpool. Just say it does not work well for you. You could also add that your schedule is kind of crazy right now and it just works better for you to only manage your child but you will let them know if that changes in the future.

I also worry about the legal aspect if anything were to happen.

 

[barkley]

Keep in mind that if you're regularly carpooling, you should check with your insurance company to make sure it covers car pools.

I work in the legal field and I remember a case (this was a number of years ago) where there was an accident involving a car pool situation. I wasn't directly involved in the case so I don't have all the particulars/facts, but the gist of it was: Car pool driver was not at fault, but some of the kids were seriously injured and the at fault driver had the bare minimum for insurance, so the other parents sued car pool driver. There was a lot of back and forth with the insurance company which was claiming that car pool driver was using the vehicle as a "taxi" as she got money for gas and she wasn't covered under the policy for a "taxi." I believe that ultimately the insurance kicked in, but it was up in the air for a while.

I would just stick to a "No. Car pooling doesn't work for us."

the insurance aspect came to mind to me as well. i recall when my kids were in a private school and parents were called upon as volunteers to drive for field trips-my insurance agent said the liability a person took on transporting other people's kids should be avoided at all costs. i don't know how car insurance works with an unrelated adult driving your car in the course of their employment but i can't imagine it's low risk to have unrelated children being included in transport.

another aspect that would concern me involves what kind of contract exists with the au pair. my understanding is that they are to provide exclusivly for their 'host family' and there's an entire process of pairing an au pair with a household based on factors like the number of the number of children so there could be an issue with calling upon the au pair to be effectivly caring for other's children when they are car-pooling . i would also be very uncomfortable being in the position of 'middle man' between my employee and another person. if something happens that upsets the au pair and/or the other parent(s)/their kid(s) you are ultimatly liable as the au pair's employer.

 

[Nancyg56]

I woudl not have an issue with kids coming over if parents were not home, but I would want to know that in advance. IMO, there is a huge difference between play dates and babysitting. If you choose to allow any more play dates, I would ask if the parents will be home, and if not where are they going to be in the event you need them. If you do not want to have the kids over when parents are not home, just tell them that.

With regards to the carpooling, I would put a stop to that and tell the family that it is simply too much liability. I was really picky when my kids were in a car with anyone else. Honestly, while I had no problems if I did the bulk of the driving because I preferred to be responsible for my own kids rather then trust someone else's driving, I did on occasion refuse to take other kids. If you are not comfortable, you do not need a reason to refuse to participate. Just say no.

 

[Babs Johnson]

I have a neighbor who likes to take advantage. Eg. her daughter would frequently come over for “play dates” only to find that the parents were not home, and we were being used as free babysitting. Our daughter is never invited to their house, or to any activities with their family. She also has no relationship with her outside of when the parents want her out of the house.

Now their daughter joined the same gym as my daughter, and she wants to “carpool.” Unfortunately carpooling means that we drive both ways on Wednesday evening so that her parents don’t have to miss work (the gym is more than half hour away so it doesn’t make sense to go back and forth), and they drive TO on Saturday but we still need to drive to pick her up (so it doesn’t actually save us a trip). The also roped in another family in town (also new to the gym) so we are expected to drive that kid every Wednesday as well and the two of them will split the Saturday driving TO the gym. We were appointed the Wednesday driver because we “would have to do it anyway."

We pay a lot of money for childcare to cover driving to activities, and once again I feel like they are taking advantage. I have tried to decline carpooling but they keep insisting that we “help them out." I also pointed out that it doesn’t really help us to have them drive Saturdays because we have to be there anyway, but they don’t care. It is so incredibly frustrating.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Grow a spine and make it absolutely clear: No more “play dates” at your house; No carpooling.

Tell them to get some other sucker to “help them out.”

 

[figment52]

my comment was regarding liability insurance and as I am now further in the discussion I see it has already been brought up.

 

[clh2]

As others have mentioned, check with your car insurance agent about “what is the worse case scenario” if something happens to your carpooling freeloaders.

I’m willing to bet that it is your car, your au pair, your insurance…if there is a problem…it will come back to your bank account.

 

[Imzadi]

An au pair is not a "specialized driver" service, not a rideshare or taxi or car service. An au pair is a live-in nanny; typically a young person from overseas, who lives with the family for the purpose of providing childcare. What that care entails will differ from one family to the next, and OP's family with school-age kids largely appreciates having the extra adult driver in the household. The vehicle is typically owned by the family and the car insurance is through the OP's regular car insurance, just as an older child or other family member living in the household. Unlike a rideshare or taxi, the "expense" of the ride is just like any other family carpooling -- time and gas.

But I agree that if the OP doesn't want to be involved with this (or any) carpool situation they have every right to say "no thanks, that doesn't work for us."

Thanks for the clarification. I thought maybe she has some type of nanny driving service, which vets drivers so they are safer for kids. We teach kids from the time they can barely understand, to not get in cars with strangers. Yet, here we ALL are, in an era where anyone can use their own car, join a company which may not vet well, to be a driver. And here we are, getting into cars with strangers.

 

[obsesseddisneyfan]

We had an Au Pair when our children were little. Our insurance broker recommended that we only have are Au pair drive our children. Basically we were responsible if she got into a reck (we had insurance) and having other peoples children in the car made gave us more risk. At the time (this was before Covid) there were some large settlements that went over insurance amounts that were about Au pairs and accidents with other peoples kids. We told our Au Pair no other kids nor friends and told our neighbors the same thing.