Advice needed on student teacher relationship

[3smithboys]

I am a teacher too. This is not appropriate. End of story. He could lose his job. Even if his is intentions are not bad - they could be seen that way. A high school student and teacher should not be having dinner together. This is just bad news....

I teach Middle School and my students ask me all the time if I am on Facebook - I say, yes I am... they ask if they can be my friend... I say, no you can't...District policy. (even when it wasn't - no way was I going to be friends with my students on FB)

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

This happened to one of my friends and she kept turning him down. As SOON as we graduated, he called her and asked her on a date and had broken up with his girlfriend...

I say stay away until school is over!

 

[daughtersrus]

So my best friend has gotten herself stuck in a really awkward situation and she has no idea what to do. I've tried giving advice to her for this but I honestly have no idea how she's going to figure this situation out...So here it goes: She and I had english together last year and she really clicked with our teacher. She's a very good student and was practically the star in our class so our teacher really connected with her. School started last week and now they talk almost everyday. She's been telling me some of the stuff they talk about and it's kinda deep for a student teacher conversation...
But it just got even weirder today. He and his gf (who's also a teacher at our school) asked her out to dinner with them, but apparently his gf can't make it, so it would just be her and the teacher....I think this whole situation is very very very sketchy but she doesn't know what to do so I really want to help her. I told her I'd ask the DIS since you all are good at advice She strictly likes this teacher as a teacher and that's it, everyone else (myself included) thinks this guy might like her as more than a student but he's in his twenties and she's 17!!!. She really likes having a teacher as her friend but she thinks it's going a little too far now and doesn't know what to do. So now she doesn't know if she should tell him yes or no, because she does not want to hurt her friendship with him. I offered to follow them and spy on the dinner if it would make her feel better but I think that would be a little too creepy? lol So if anyone has any advice on what she should do it will really help!

Heck NO!

As hard as it may be, I think that she should say no but not make up excuses. I think that she needs to be the adult and tell him that it's inappropriate. If she makes up an excuse, he may come back and say something like "well if that date doesn't work, how about this date" and could go on for quite awhile.

When my DD started teaching high school last spring, she was only 1 year older than some of her students. She teaches SpEd so some of her students can stay in public school until their 21st birthday. Thankfully, she never had a student approach her and want to be friends but it's something that she is constantly aware of and is prepared to stop it before it even gets started.

This school year she's teaching 8th grade which is probably worse.

If it was my friend, I would offer to be there when she talks to the teacher.

 

[Kimberly]

Say no. It does seem a bit "fishy" that his gf can't make it, especially at her age. The offer may be completely benign, but there is a reason why most teachers don't pursue relationships with their students until after they've graduated. This kind of crosses the student/teacher line.

No for now, but once she's out of high school and 18, let her make her own decisions.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

How sure is your friend that the GF was involved with these dinner plans? Did she actually talk to the GF or did the male teacher just say something along the lines of "My Gf and I would like to have dinner with you?"

Either way the teacher and his GF need to wait until after your friend has graduated before they make these type of offers.

 

[Tinkh]

He is actively 'grooming her". That is what these molesters do!Tell her to run for the hills. My 13 year old niece and her friend went through this last year. Your friend is 17, but she is NOT an adult. Parents and fellow students need to be aware that there are those who will do this and use their positions of power to do so.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Just another thought, you say his gf is a teacher as well. Maybe your friend could tell *her* sorry she can't make it, etc. The gf might not even know and this could strike a little fear in him so he knows it is inappropriate behavior. Let the gf let him have it instead of her going to him if she is too uncomfortable. Sometimes new teachers don't know where to draw the line and want to be friends with their students. The first few years teaching are rough esp if you haven't been accepted into the faculty "fold" yet. This is why it is tempting to befriend students for some, but it is a bad, bad idea. I keep in touch with a few graduated former students and I've offered advice on some college research papers, but I don't let it get too personal. I deny all requests from students currently in high school, even if they are no longer in my class.

 

[Keli]

Everyone has given good advice to your friend but it will be very hard for her to follow through. I'm sure it makes her feel good about herself that a teacher is wanting to be friends with her, talks to her every day like a friend, and now wants to hang out together outside of school.
I hope your friend has the wisdom to say no. Nothing, nothing, good can come of this kind of illicit friendship. In the end it will cost the teacher and it will cost her.
If this teacher is just young and dumb I hope someone talks to him before this sort of behavior costs him his job. If he's not just young and dumb, well then getting fired might be the best thing for all the other young, female students that will cross his path.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know that you are both probably very young, but both of you are old enough to know better than to have an intimate relationship with an adult teacher...

RUN!!!!!!

Look, if your friend wants to pursue this, she will.
Sadly, many young girls fall into this type of thing. Either they don't know better, or they fall prey.

In most states, a few months ago, before she hit her 16-17th birthday, this situation would be the beginning of a very, very, serious crime. (can we talk pedophilia and statutory rape)

At the very least, being seen alone with 17 year old child student, immediately, and without question, be grounds for this person to lose their job as a teacher.
That alone should be against 'fraternization' policy.

You can do NOTHING...
Nothing we can say will make any difference...
It is this girl's choice.
She will do as she wishes.

 

[disykat]

Just another thought, you say his gf is a teacher as well. Maybe your friend could tell *her* sorry she can't make it, etc.

I actually like this idea. There is NO WAY I would encourage her to call him or contact him in any way. It's simply not appropriate. IF it is somehow innocent, backing out protects ALL of them. If not, this avoids him, notifies her and makes it clear she's not on board.

 

[RadioNate]

He is actively 'grooming her". That is what these molesters do!Tell her to run for the hills. My 13 year old niece and her friend went through this last year. Your friend is 17, but she is NOT an adult. Parents and fellow students need to be aware that there are those who will do this and use their positions of power to do so.

Well I'm not ready to call the guy a child molester yet. He could be, maybe. Or not. But any accusation, even if it is false will ruin this guys life. I'm not prepared to go there on the internet.

OP your friend needs to decline the offer. Period. If he is genuinely interested in her education as a mentor he shouldn't care.

Should he have extended the dinner invite? No, he really shouldn't have. But he could have stupidly thought that since everyone knows he is dating a fellow teacher it wasn't a big deal.

Your friend needs to back off this relationship, even if it IS innocent.

I had a male friend who taught HS theater. He was young, maybe 23-24 at the time and met an extremely talented girl. Yes, he liked her as a person and thought she was a gifted actress. He wasn't interested in her romantically. He did, however, urge her to try out for community theater productions he was involved in and often gave her lead rolls. Was it innocent? Yes. Was she a "favorite?" Definitely.

Then people started talking. First it was other kids, girls jealous they didn't get the lead part. Then the rumors started and got more & more vicious. Then the parents started in & the school administration got involved. It was a private religious school and he was 'asked' to resign because of the "scandal." She ended up with quite the nasty reputation and her every success in HS was questioned, even after he left the school.

Was their really a scandal? Were lines really crossed? It didn't matter, the end result was the same.

My point is no one here knows the reality of this relationship. It could absolutely be shady. But it also might be a guy mentoring a talented student. However, sooner or later people are going to start talking and that will be very bad for BOTH of them. For that alone the friend needs to back off the relationship.

 

[abdmom]

One doesn't have to be a child molester to be acting inappropriately.

Teaching is a profession and teachers are expected to act professionally. Unprofessional behaviour is inappropriate and that includes favoritism. Inviting a student to dinner outside of school is even more inappropriate. With parochial schools, the line between professional and non-professional behaviour is more strict than public schools. In the OP's case, it doesn't matter what the teacher's intentions are/have been/will be, it is inappropriate and unprofessional to invite an individual student to dinner.

OP, you or your friend should bring this situation to the attention of another adult at school.

Well I'm not ready to call the guy a child molester yet. He could be, maybe. Or not. But any accusation, even if it is false will ruin this guys life. I'm not prepared to go there on the internet.

OP your friend needs to decline the offer. Period. If he is genuinely interested in her education as a mentor he shouldn't care.

Should he have extended the dinner invite? No, he really shouldn't have. But he could have stupidly thought that since everyone knows he is dating a fellow teacher it wasn't a big deal.

Your friend needs to back off this relationship, even if it IS innocent.

I had a male friend who taught HS theater. He was young, maybe 23-24 at the time and met an extremely talented girl. Yes, he liked her as a person and thought she was a gifted actress. He wasn't interested in her romantically. He did, however, urge her to try out for community theater productions he was involved in and often gave her lead rolls. Was it innocent? Yes. Was she a "favorite?" Definitely.

Then people started talking. First it was other kids, girls jealous they didn't get the lead part. Then the rumors started and got more & more vicious. Then the parents started in & the school administration got involved. It was a private religious school and he was 'asked' to resign because of the "scandal." She ended up with quite the nasty reputation and her every success in HS was questioned, even after he left the school.

Was their really a scandal? Were lines really crossed? It didn't matter, the end result was the same.

My point is no one here knows the reality of this relationship. It could absolutely be shady. But it also might be a guy mentoring a talented student. However, sooner or later people are going to start talking and that will be very bad for BOTH of them. For that alone the friend needs to back off the relationship.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

She shouldn't go. She tells him no she can't make it. Under no circumstances. Except maybe if her father were invited. Or the local chief of police.

ROFL...Yes, I totally agree. GF just can't make it now, huh? Surprise, surprise.....

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

NO NO NO NO NO NO!
He's a teacher. he is the adult, he should be responsible enough to KNOW not to ask this girl out to dinner, even if it was an innocent gesture. What is wrong with him!?!?!

Your friend needs to NOT go, say "No I can't, I have plans or No I can't, my parents don't approve."

If this weird behavior continues she needs to transfer out of the class and if a pass is made she needs to report that.

GL!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well I'm not ready to call the guy a child molester yet. He could be, maybe. Or not. But any accusation, even if it is false will ruin this guys life. I'm not prepared to go there on the internet.

And, nobody else is either....
A 17 year old does not qualify as a 'child'.
I would be surprised if there were any state that did not consider 17 as 'legal age of consent'.

Based on his actions.... What we are saying is that this is inappropriate on ALL levels. And that this guy is appearing to use his position as a teacher to take advantage of teenaged girls... This would not be a child-molester... But, does, in my personal opinion, qualify him, as a teacher, as man with a significant-other, and as a human, to meet the criteria of being an indecent, inappropriate, jerk, and possible sexual-predator.

 

[minniecarousel]

This teacher sounds like an idiot.

 

[N&B'smom]

I sure hope she doesn't go, a bit too convenient that the gf can't go, don't you think??? Wouldn't it have made more sense that if one of them couldn't make it, BOTH of them couldn't make it??? Major red flags!

Even if it was an innocent gesture I sincerely HOPE he would KNOW that this is a situation he should not put himself in...his job could be in jeopardy. A teacher should NEVER put themselves into a situation like this where they could be accused of something.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

As someone who:

1. Went to study parties at high school teachers' (yes, multiple) houses.
2. Knew where all of her teachers lived senior year, in high school.
3. Is facebook friends with 5 high school teachers.
4. Goes to the bar (both as an ex-student and as a student) and drinks with her college professor.

... I think that is too much! We're not talking a group of people, this is one-on-one. Maybe if it's teacher+girlfriend and student+parent, it would be OK but it's not, so it's not OK.

I'm really glad your friend seems to know this. I think the best thing to do is to say no.

 

[Disney Doll]

Your friend would do well to tel him that it is a bad idea both for his reputation and hers, and she doesn't want to see either of their reputations ruined.

 

[LuvOrlando]

It is after 7, any updates?