Advice needed (maybe a little vent too!)

[AprilShowers]

Last year my father forgot both of my DD's birthdays. Oldest in Feb. (we didn't remind him or anything), and youngest in Nov.

In November, after about a week I sent him an e-mail saying "Hey Dad! could you give DD a call sometime, her bday was Tuesday. Love you!" Of course he called, felt terrible, he and StepM took her out for dinner and gave her a gift.

YESTERDAY, he's over here wanting to borrow DH's Cotton Candy machine for his BEST FRIEND'S GRANDSON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! He said "I thought it would be cool for so-and-so's kids to have cotton candy at the birthday!

DH talked him out of it because you really have to know what you're doing, and it makes a HUGE mess.

But I'm left thinking: "You can't even remember your OWN DGD's b-days and you're wanting to impress some other family with COTTON CANDY for THEIR DGS b-day?" What's wrong with this picture?

DH says I should tell Dad how I feel. I say that accomplishes nothing but making him feel bad. He's not going to change now, so why make him feel bad about it? What do you think? (If you've gotten this far)

 

[ols386]

He's your dad...I think you should cut him some slack. Everyone forgets now and then. I think you're making more of it than it is. I wouldn't say anything to your Dad, it will make him feel bad. I can understand why it might bother you, but I'd let it go. Good luck. I hope everything works out well.

 

[swanmom]

He was probably thinking about the friend's grandson's birthday because the friend was talking about or planning for it or whatever. I think I'd just say to Dad that he probably doesn't realize that he has forgotten the grandkids birthdays in the past and ask him if he'd like you to remind him. I think I'd also say that it's not so much for you but that it's important for the kids.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I don't know how old your father is but it sounds like he has an "in the moment" memory. He may have just talked to his buddy who mentioned his grandson's party right before he came to see you so the cotton candy machine was at the top of his mind. Maybe if he'd have talked to the buddy a week or so ago, the cotton candy machine may not have entered his thought pattern at all.

I'd chalk it up to him getting old. He felt bad after being reminded of your DD's birthday and made up for it so it's not like he's intentionally slighting your daughters.

I'd try not to take it personally and give him a little leeway. Sometimes older people are like that.

 

[minniecarousel]

hmmmm....he was probably talking to his friends about the friend's GS's birthday and DF remembered your cotton candy machine and they got to talking about it. I think that makes sense.

On forgetting your childrens' birthday, didn't you have a family party for each of them and invite him to that? I swear, that's the only way family knew one of mine was having a birthday. If you don't have a party that you invite them to, then call him about 10 days ahead and remind them when the kid's bday is. It's obvious that he's not the "write birthdays on the calendar and send a card" type, so help him out.

 

[SC Minnie]

My dad rarely remembers DD birthday and its the week after July 4th! So one would think that when July 4th comes along sometime within the next week he should send her a card or something. He has forgotten mine and my brother's birthday's too and ours are literally a month before his own!

I have thought about making a calendar for him with pics we took and including all important family dates like birthdays.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH says I should tell Dad how I feel. I say that accomplishes nothing but making him feel bad. He's not going to change now, so why make him feel bad about it? What do you think? (If you've gotten this far)

Your DH wants you to say something to your dad because he "wants it fixed". Typical guy reaction.

You already said something to your dad about forgetting birthday's and he made up for it.

Why would you continue to bug him about it?

 

[AprilShowers]

Thanks guys. I know he didn't do it on purpose, it's just that he's very much interested in looking important to his friends. (look what I did!) kind of thing. KWIM?

He's not old, so he doesn't get an out there! LOL! He's only 60. His wife is usually the one to send out cards and stuff. I was bothered when they forgot Oldest DD's birthday cause StepM's bday is 10 days after that.

We didn't have family parties this year. The girls decided to do something with friends and then just dinner with the 4 of us. (everyone else still remembered though)

I'll just start sending him e-mails a few days before from now on.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

That sucks. I've been there. My Dad has been very distant since my mother died 8 years ago. The past 5 years he hasn't acknowledged anyone's birthdays nor holidays, but his wife (soon to be ex ) would throw elaborate parties for her grandkids and kids with my dad's money. We've been slowly reconnecting with my father, and this year for Christmas he bought over gifts for all of us and he was so proud as it was his first time picking out gifts by himself. He even wrapped them and wrote his own nametags on them. I had to cut him slack, it's just hard for him to remember things or think about things like that. It was always my mom's job.

While it's easier to say then do, just cut him some slack. I've found it's the little things about my dad that I cherish, not the gifts he gives me or the kids. Just having him back in our lives is all that I can ask for.

 

[JodyLynC]

Thanks guys. I know he didn't do it on purpose, it's just that he's very much interested in looking important to his friends. (look what I did!) kind of thing. KWIM?

He's not old, so he doesn't get an out there! LOL! He's only 60. His wife is usually the one to send out cards and stuff. I was bothered when they forgot Oldest DD's birthday cause StepM's bday is 10 days after that.

We didn't have family parties this year. The girls decided to do something with friends and then just dinner with the 4 of us. (everyone else still remembered though)

I'll just start sending him e-mails a few days before from now on.

I suggest sending an email or calling him a couple weeks before the birthday just to talk about your DD's bday plans. That way it is fresh in his mind. My DH is terrible about remembering his family's birthdays, even though we write it down. Having another family member call him to say "Mom and Dad are going to the coast for their anniversary on the 18th. I'll be sending them a gift early so they get it before they go." or something along that line has helped immensely.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't think the 2 things are at all related.

He's focused on friend's DGD's brithday because friend is probably talking about it, they got into a big conversation etc.

I don't know how old your Dad is, but if he's getting up there in years a bit, maybe he's getting a little forgetful. Call him the week before your DD's birthday and gently "remind" him...perhaps saying something like "I've been busy shopping for the stuff for little Susie's birthday party".

A coupel of weeks before Christmas my mother asked me how to spell my name because she forgot. No biggie. She's 80, I figure she's going to forget things once in a while.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I will be 40 this year. I can't think of a single birthday for myself or my kids that my Dad has remembered - it's just not his strong point. I don't take it personally. He had a pretty rough childhood himself and didn't have anyone remember his birthday or ever throw him a bday party so I guess to him it is just another day.

I do remember one year I was home from college on my birthday and my Dad had no clue it was my birthday. I mentioned something to him the next day that my friends and I were going out to celebrate and he was so embarrassed. He gave me a blank check and told me to go buy myself something nice. I hated embarrassing him though - that wasn't my intention at all - but I did get a really nice camera for my bday.

 

[piney]

I agree with those who said his friends were probably talking about the party. If it bothers your kids, you can just remind him ahead of time. I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it.

 

[Mom2Nick]

It's not that hard to send him an email remider ahead of time. It will save yoru children from feeling forgotten and spare your father the embarassment.

Some people are just not great at remembering - it's not a big deal to help them out.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think I am a dissenter here...

I do not think that there is any big obligation to always remember these birthdays... Also, often it is the woman's (grandma's, aunt's) kind of thing to remember and recognize these birthdays. It sounds by the way you said "his wife" that this woman is not the children's grandma.

I see no correlation at all between a friend organizing a big party... and 'expecting' others to solely and individually, on their own, to feel obligated to always remember and recognize these things. It is not like your Dad was planning a big party... He just asked to borrow something...

I just wonder if I am seeing a lot of unnecessary drama here.

If the parent's (such as the OP) want to make sure that as many family members and friends honor their child's birthday, it is up to the parents to organize some kind of get-together/celebration.

I also would not be wanting to set my kids up with any more of a sense of 'entitlement' than many americans already have....

I am reminded of the recent thread where a DISer received an email from a relative (a neice???) wondering if she had remembered to send a check....

I would cut him some slack.
Either find a way to remind him of upcoming birthdays in conversation... or just let it go.
To not say a word until after the fact, and then 'should I make them pay....."

(unless, of coarse, it is the situation where grandparents openly and smugly treat certain grandchildren with excess, while snubbing others... And, I am not thinking that this is the case.

 

[EthansMom]

DH says I should tell Dad how I feel. I say that accomplishes nothing but making him feel bad. He's not going to change now, so why make him feel bad about it? What do you think? (If you've gotten this far)

You can't change the way other people are. It's just a waste of your time/energy to try. Although, I might've been tempted at the time Dad asked to borrow your stuff to say, "You couldn't even be bothered with OUR kids' birthdays and you want us to lend you an expensive machine for someone else's kid's party?" Okay, I wouldn't have really said that, just would've thought it. But I wouldn't have let him borrow the machine either.... even if it was easy to clean.

 

[arminnie]

I can't think of a single birthday for myself or my kids that my Dad has remembered - it's just not his strong point. I don't take it personally. He had a pretty rough childhood himself and didn't have anyone remember his birthday or ever throw him a bday party so I guess to him it is just another day.

I live with my dad (who is a widower) - and he never remembers or acknowledges my birthday. I don't think my grandparents could have even told you what month I was born in. They had over 25 grandchildren and were still having kids when their first grandchild was born.

Birthdays are not a big deal to me - so I rarely remember anyone else's either. Unless it's a small child, and I will see them that day.

 

[goofyrhodie]

I'm sorry, but if you have to 'e-mail' your Dad about birthdays, then I can't blame him for forgetting. He probablly talks to his friends and knows what's going on in their lives because they TALK to him and maybe he was INVITED to the party.

I just found that odd that you only have contact with someone through e-mail and then expect gifts from them. Also, unless you have a party, it's pretty easy to forget.

Why don't you make it a point to TALK to your Dad once a week and let him know what is going on in your life and your families lives.

Good luck!!

 

[hentob]

Of course he called, felt terrible.....

How awful Your poor dad.

I would be mortified if somebody felt terrible for missing a birthday.

 

[MoniqueU]

My DGM forgets all but one of my kids birthdays. She only rememers that because it is a holy day of obligsyion. Even though my other kids are left out we let it go, don't make a big deal about it and they don't seem to notice.

My DMIL forgets our birthdays all the time or books a trip for weeks at a time around them. I got flamed for saying I was upset she would book a trip over 3 birthdays but I don't care I don't miss hers, my mom has never missed my kids and I don't miss anyones in my immediate family. This year I will be 35 and my ds will be 16. Sort of milestones you wouldn't want to miss I don't think. We try our best to let that go but it does tick me off.