Advice needed: How to make friends at work?

[lspst8]

The title about says it all .... I started a new job back in February, but I don't have any friends, or really even any acquaintances, here. My office has about 50 people, and other people seem to have lots of friends and have fun here, but I don't.

I have an office which I think is part of the problem. I'd say 80% of the people have cubicles, so it is much easier for them to talk and get to know each other. Supervisors, judges, and attorneys get offices (I'm an attorney). Most of the other attorneys close their door as soon as they get here, and I rarely see them. I say hi to people in the halls and restroom. I just don't like being here 7 months and still feeling like an outsider. I work 4 ten hour days, so I am here a lot.

I had friends at my old job, so I don't think the problem is me. I always had people to chat with on break or at lunch (and during slow periods during the day!). Now I just sit in my office.

Any suggestions?

 

[Mkrop]

Where does everyone eat lunch? If there is a lunchroom, go and ask to sit with them. If they go out, break the ice by saying you ran out of bread this morning can I join you all when you run out. Since the holidays are coming up can you ask someone how the holidays are handled in the office, gift exchanges, office party etc and offer to help.

Hope this helps.

 

[paintnolish]

Sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there. It sounds stupid, but it feels like asking for a date sometimes-nobody wants to make the first move. Just ask for them to join you or if you can join them. Ask for advice, too, like what is good in the area for lunch (good segway into a lunch "date"). If that fails, bring in cookies or doughnuts to share!

 

[NHdisneylover]

As an attorney with an office you are probably technically "above" many of the people in cubicals, right? Also, you say the other attorneys in the office close their doors and stay in their offices most of the time. So, it sounds like the tone which has been previously set is that the attorneys do not mingle with those "below" them (an attitude I gather you do not share at all), and even when such an attitude does not exist in the workplace it can be seen as "kissing up" (or worse) to try to befirend someone above you. For these reasons I think YOU really have to make the first move (and maybe the second and third, etc.--old habits and all that). As others have said, ask to sit with someone at lunch, or to join them on the way out to lunch, etc. Maybe also bring in muffins some morning and go around to the cubiclels to hand them out. Stop and chat for a while--ask about the family photo on someone's desk, etc. It may take a lot of work on your part to get the message across that YOU are not the lawyer who will just close your door and hide away all day (can you keep your door propped open?). Good luck; it is always hard being the new person

 

[jfoofj]

Do you go to a gym or anything like that? I met a great group of girls (well, we are all in our 30s/40s... but I still like to think of us as girls) at a yoga class I started taking a while back.

What about any college friends/aquaintances who live in the area you moved to?

I have always had a hard time making that jump from "hi, how are you" to "let's get coffee/lunch/do something" too. Sometimes I think I could be happy being a hermit living in a log cabin in the woods..... I don't require a lot of interaction with people, but I do enjoy it when it happens.

 

[NMAmy]

Now I just sit in my office.

Any suggestions?

Come out of your office. Bring food--it really helps break the ice and will gain you popularity. On your way in or out, stop to chat. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves.

I had a friend who worked for the president of a college and people were afraid to go to her office. She started keeping really good chocolate on her desk to entice visitors to brave a chance meeting with the president. It worked!

 

[lspst8]

Thanks for the advise .... I'm not naturally an extroverted person, so it is hard for me to make small talk. I know I should, but I don't really enjoy it.

I'm not really "above" anyone -- and I do leave my door open!

We don't have set breaks or lunch here, so I think I go later than most people. And hardly anyone eats in the break room which is right across from me, so I can tell.

The office is having a potluck lunch today, but I don't work on Wed. and diodn't get the email until this morning. I love to cook and would have made something great had I known about it. Now, I think people are going to think I really an unfriendly because I didn't bring anything. (And no, I'm not going to eat any food since I didn't bring anything.) Why didn't the office manager send out the email on Monday I totally would have participated in the pot-luck.

Maybe I will do some baking this weekend and bring something on Monday.

 

[Missy1961]

Thanks for the advise .... I'm not naturally an extroverted person, so it is hard for me to make small talk. I know I should, but I don't really enjoy it.

I'm not really "above" anyone -- and I do leave my door open!

We don't have set breaks or lunch here, so I think I go later than most people. And hardly anyone eats in the break room which is right across from me, so I can tell.

The office is having a potluck lunch today, but I don't work on Wed. and diodn't get the email until this morning. I love to cook and would have made something great had I known about it. Now, I think people are going to think I really an unfriendly because I didn't bring anything. (And no, I'm not going to eat any food since I didn't bring anything.) Why didn't the office manager send out the email on Monday I totally would have participated in the pot-luck.

Maybe I will do some baking this weekend and bring something on Monday.

Maybe send an email to the person who was in charge of the potluck & say "I'm so sorry I didn't see this--I don't work on Wednesdays. I would have loved to make my special (whatever) for the gang. Please let me know before the next potluck."

and be ready to try & try again. It may be the culture in that office that the higher-ups don't mingle with the staff. (not saying that's right, but that may be the culture there). Don't take it personally, the staff may not be used to lawyers that want to mingle with them.

 

[Missy1961]

Come out of your office. Bring food--it really helps break the ice and will gain you popularity. On your way in or out, stop to chat. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves.

I had a friend who worked for the president of a college and people were afraid to go to her office. She started keeping really good chocolate on her desk to entice visitors to brave a chance meeting with the president. It worked!

And I second that candy dish idea! We had a merger of 2 groups here a few years ago. I had always had a candy dish, and of course it made the move from the 7th floor to the 9th floor. Soon, I had everyone coming by & asking if they could have some, I'd say sure, and we got to talking. I was the one that everyone knew. And people would meet each other coming by to get some candy. It's corny but it works!

 

[Bren's Mom]

I have nice big covered cut crystal jar of candy that's always full. I'm very popular.

I do agree with the others. Bring food. Chat people up.

Is there anyone you have at least a hi/bye relationship with? Ask her to lunch. Specifically tell her what you told us. And ask for her help. Ask what everyone else does. If she's interested in lunching once or twice a week. If anyone does Happy Hour and how you get 'in on the deal'.

Good luck!

 

[powellrj]

The office is having a potluck lunch today, but I don't work on Wed. and diodn't get the email until this morning. I love to cook and would have made something great had I known about it. Now, I think people are going to think I really an unfriendly because I didn't bring anything. (And no, I'm not going to eat any food since I didn't bring anything.) Why didn't the office manager send out the email on Monday I totally would have participated in the pot-luck.

Maybe I will do some baking this weekend and bring something on Monday.

I think I would just call and order something really yummy to be delieved to the pot luck and say you didn't find out until this morning and you wanted to attend. That would be a good ice breaker because it would show you want to be part of the group and you are creative!

 

[Evil Genius]

If you love to cook that's a good starting point. Candy jar is a good idea also. Just saying good morning and asking people how their weekends were or if they have plans for the upcoming weekend is also a good start.

 

[pixiewings71]

Can you run out and pick something up before the potluck? Desserts are always good to bring, just say "I didn't know until today so I ran out and got dessert for us all" when you bring the goodies in. But, just so you know, I've worked for this company for 7 years, I don't have many friends here either. Just a few, but they rock!!

 

[Mkrop]

Maybe send an email to the person who was in charge of the potluck & say "I'm so sorry I didn't see this--I don't work on Wednesdays. I would have loved to make my special (whatever) for the gang. Please let me know before the next potluck."

and be ready to try & try again. It may be the culture in that office that the higher-ups don't mingle with the staff. (not saying that's right, but that may be the culture there). Don't take it personally, the staff may not be used to lawyers that want to mingle with them.

Yes reach out to the coodinator of the potluck, that might be your first friend

Maybe bring in some goodies tomorrow and say since I missed the potluck I wanted to share some donuts/bagels etc with everyone.

Can you ask around for some type of service you need? A new hairdresser, where is the closet Home Depot (even if you know) etc. That might break the ice and people love to share places they like and you could then comment on the cute kids picture on thier desk, on their cute dog picture etc.