Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[LaurenLC]

Sometimes you get what you pay for, or in this case, what you don't pay for. If you want to let a family member watch your child (something that I would give ANYTHING for since all of our families live a minimum of 700 miles away) then you need to be willing to make sacrifices. If you want to dictate 100% what happens then you need to get a sitter and pay! Also, shopping for a car is an emergency, but not one that requires BOTH parents to go. In addition, if your bil and sil’s house is as bad as you say it is, I would be calling CPS as that can’t be healthy for your nephew.

 

[Colleen27]

TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THIS!!!! This wasn't a case of Grammy giving too much candy. This Grammy put the child in a car and took her to a location that she knew Mom totally disapproved of...and she didn't tell Mom until after the fact. Whatever her reasons for disapproval of the location are doesn't matter, Grammy should have respected Mom's rule about this.

While that's a nice thought, it isn't realistic at all when the other location is the home of Grammy's other child and grandchild. It is putting the MIL is a ridiculous position - one child's spouse has decided that the other child's family is undesirable/unacceptable, and MIL is just supposed to go along with her DIL's decree that one grandchild is too good to play with the other?

 

[Hannathy]

While that's a nice thought, it isn't realistic at all when the other location is the home of Grammy's other child and grandchild. It is putting the MIL is a ridiculous position - one child's spouse has decided that the other child's family is undesirable/unacceptable, and MIL is just supposed to go along with her DIL's decree that one grandchild is too good to play with the other?

and an opinion that her DH evidently doesn't agree with either because he said he wasn't saying anything to his Mother she could IF SHE WANTED.

Sounds like she is the only one with a problem.

 

[Vijoge]

Thank God for my two daughters-in-law!

 

[Carnie]

If letting your kid run around naked is a sign of bad parenting, you better call Child Services on me right now.

 

[MSSANDRA]

If letting your kid run around naked is a sign of bad parenting, you better call Child Services on me right now.

DGS4 loves the "shock factor" of running through the living room naked when DS18 has friends over!!

It took me a while to realize that my MIL LOVED my kids with all her heart and would not put them in a situation that would really harm them. Now she does not do things the way I would by any means but she is not raising them just spending some time showing them that lots of different people love them and families can have lots of different ideas. Now I do enforce a few rules with DGS like hunting guns locked up and all meds out of reach and bought her a really good car seat and I'm much better with DGS (whom we are raising) than I was when DS was little but I have learned to cut her some slack and we have an great relationship.

 

[luvsJack]

Sorry, OP, you can't have it both ways. Either your child was sick enough that she needed to be at home or she wasn't. Also, you don't get to ask someone to do you a favor and then tell them how you want that favor carried out. Doesn't work that way.

You either trust your mil with your child, or you don't. If you don't, don't leave her there. If you do, then trust her to take care of her wherever they are.

Both your husband and your bil are your mil's sons. Regardless of YOUR views on your bil, you cannot expect your mil to share those views. YOU are wrong to put your mil in the middle of that and possibly to cause her to hurt her son or other dil's feelings. That is not fair to your mil.

Seems to me you need to find other child care arrangements. If necessary, find someone that is willing to keep your dd in an "emergency" or start doing some creative thinking about how you can avoid those situations.

 

[tartemis]

To the OP, I get it. I, too have a BIL and nephews that I don't want my kids hanging around (espcially when I'm not around to protect them) because of some pretty horrible issues with my in-laws (guns, drugs, etc.)

The difference is, DH and I are in agreement about this and while we do encourage MIL to have a relationship with our kids we also know that we cannot trust her to look after them and respect our wishes so we don't EVER leave them with her. EVER.

Does it suck? Absolutely. I am totally jealous of those people with good in-laws. But the bottom line is that you will never be able to convince her to do things your way, so it is better to accept it and plan around it.

 

[pixiedustmomma]

Sorry OP, some people don't understand that even if they are family that doesn't mean they are good people to have in your life or around your children.

Your husband sounds a little like mine and he doesn't like conflict. So he would rather you say something then him say something. He must agree with you about your DD not being around them or he would take he over there himself. But it is your MIL that does that. She sounds like my MIL that likes to force people together just because they are family. It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you just have to tell her how you feel and that you don't want your DD in that enviroment.

You need to explain to your husband your feelings and that you both need to be on the same page about this.

Also, you have every right to know where and what your MIL will be doing and taking DD. I am comfortable my DD staying with my father (she doesn't stay with MIL because she smokes in her home and we don't want our children in a smoked filled house) but he tells me what they plan to do with my DD. I also call and check in a couple times a day. Just because they are her grandparents doesn't mean I shouldn't check in on her or know what they are doing or have been doing.

 

[tartemis]

Sorry OP, some people don't understand that even if they are family that doesn't mean they are good people to have in your life or around your children.

Your husband sounds a little like mine and he doesn't like conflict. So he would rather you say something then him say something. He must agree with you about your DD not being around them or he would take he over there himself. But it is your MIL that does that. She sounds like my MIL that likes to force people together just because they are family. It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you just have to tell her how you feel and that you don't want your DD in that enviroment.

You need to explain to your husband your feelings and that you both need to be on the same page about this.
QUOTE]

Also, how long have you been married? It took DH a long time to come to grips with his family situation. He always thought he could "change" them if he had said the right things or helped them enough. Luckily we were married for 5 years before we had kids so we had worked through a lot of those issues before we had our kids (and had a number of fights along the way). Not surprisingly, however, the birth of our first daughter really solidified for him that his family was toxic in many ways and he just didn't want to expose her to it.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why? that would be a wasted ER visit and probably expose them to more than they had to start with.

Well I editing this out once I saw OP took her kid to the Dr., but as far as I remember this is what I was told by my Dr.. Of course, that was 14 years ago.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Very tough situation. In general, if my in-laws are watching DS for me, I do expect him to have to go along on any errands, etc. they may have, and I don't expect them to clear those with me.

But, in this case, your MIL was watching your DD specifically because she was just getting over something. (And I do believe there is an in between stange when a child is well enough for a car ride to Grandma's but not well enough to fight off who knows how many other germs at the car dealership.) - I was actually shocked that your MIL didn't keep your DD at her house to protect her other grandchild from getting it.

At this point, though, I really wouldn't say anything. It won't undo what has been done, but it certainly will cause hard feelings. - You would basically be telling her that you didn't approve of her child, and how would you feel if someone said that about DD?

I would just try to avoid using MIL as a sitter for now, and pray you don't run into too many emergencies.

 

[ama223]

I only read the first post but..

I'm guessing that there's some backstory about why your DD can't be around your BIL & his family??

I don't know.. I have to admit, I think your'e overracting. If your DD was that sick, you shouldn't have left her. If you don't like what your MIL does with her, get another sitter.

I'd just be happy my ILs wanted to babysit and wouldn't care what they did!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Thanks to those who understood. There is a HUGE difference between hanging around a car dealership when getting over a cold and hanging out at grandmas house.

DH doesn't like conflict AT ALL. Which sucks because I'm always the "bad guy". When the entore birthday party situation happened he did step upt to the plate but the fact that MIl ignores that BIL grows pot in the basement makes me question her judgement. I was in a tight bind and if i had someone else to rely on i would have asked them.

Yes, daughter goes to daycare but the colds she got were not during the time she was there so that's how I can pinpoint it. There are STRICT rules at her childcare and being sick. There are only 5 kids too so things are a little easier to figure out. Nephew doesn't go to daycare or preschool and yet he constantly has a cold or ear infections. They don't take care of him properly at all. He's had 3 cavities already.

DH and his brother DON'T hang out at all. They truly only talk at family functions. We don't visit them and they don't visit us. I think MIL is trying to force the issue of the cousins.

 

[debster812]

Thanks to those who understood. There is a HUGE difference between hanging around a car dealership when getting over a cold and hanging out at grandmas house.

DH doesn't like conflict AT ALL. Which sucks because I'm always the "bad guy". When the entore birthday party situation happened he did step upt to the plate but the fact that MIl ignores that BIL grows pot in the basement makes me question her judgement. I was in a tight bind and if i had someone else to rely on i would have asked them.

Yes, daughter goes to daycare but the colds she got were not during the time she was there so that's how I can pinpoint it. There are STRICT rules at her childcare and being sick. There are only 5 kids too so things are a little easier to figure out. Nephew doesn't go to daycare or preschool and yet he constantly has a cold or ear infections. They don't take care of him properly at all. He's had 3 cavities already.

DH and his brother DON'T hang out at all. They truly only talk at family functions. We don't visit them and they don't visit us. I think MIL is trying to force the issue of the cousins.

OP--you obviously have very strong ideas about many parenting issues, and your in laws in general. In and of themselves, those are fine, however, as others have said, you can't have it both ways. If you are relying on your MIL to bail you out, you need to take what comes with it. You're essentially asking her to choose between her children and her grandchildren.

You need to start developing a non-family support system for situations like this, because let me tell you, as they get older, it happens more and more. We used to have DS babysat by mostly family. (DH is one of 8, so there is always someone around to watch). However, several years ago, DH's BIL passed away suddenly. So all the family babysitters on that side were occupied. My parents were in FL. DS wound up sleeping over a friend's house. We had known this family for years, and they really stepped up, and helped us out. Having friends/babysitters in place for stuff like this is PRICELESS!

 

[Hannathy]

Yes, daughter goes to daycare but the colds she got were not during the time she was there so that's how I can pinpoint it. There are STRICT rules at her childcare and being sick. There are only 5 kids too so things are a little easier to figure out. Nephew doesn't go to daycare or preschool and yet he constantly has a cold or ear infections. They don't take care of him properly at all. He's had 3 cavities already.

Before you start throwing stones you really should know what you are talking about!!! Unless your DD and all of you live in a bubble she could have caught a cold from anywhere including you and your DH even if you aren't sick you can still carry it. And you know exactly how long a virus lives so you can pinpoint exactly when the exposure happened, I'm impressed.

What really PO'd me is your snarky comment about the cavities. How do you know why he has the cavities?
Gee I guess you should call Children's services on me since my DD had cavities and a tooth crowned by the time she was 2 1/2!
See she had 3 teeth come in either with minimal or missing the enamel, nothing to do with how she was being taken care of-actually well as the Dentist said because we caught it and had taken her to the dentist at her young age.

So if you are going to look down your nose at someone you should at least know what you are talking about. You aren't the only one who knows how to take care of a child.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Before you start throwing stones you really should know what you are talking about!!! Unless your DD and all of you live in a bubble she could have caught a cold from anywhere including you and your DH even if you aren't sick you can still carry it. And you know exactly how long a virus lives so you can pinpoint exactly when the exposure happened, I'm impressed.

What really PO'd me is your snarky comment about the cavities. How do you know why he has the cavities?
Gee I guess you should call Children's services on me since my DD had cavities and a tooth crowned by the time she was 2 1/2!
See she had 3 teeth come in either with minimal or missing the enamel, nothing to do with how she was being taken care of-actually well as the Dentist said because we caught it and had taken her to the dentist at her young age.

So if you are going to look down your nose at someone you should at least know what you are talking about. You aren't the only one who knows how to take care of a child.

Please take your own advice and relax. While YOUR personal situation might have been different don't take my comment as a swing at you. MIL is his dentist. Its from not brushing his teeth properly and poor diet. Things that are controllable. Yes, it sucks that your daughter has this issue but that is not what is going on here.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

OP--you obviously have very strong ideas about many parenting issues, and your in laws in general. In and of themselves, those are fine, however, as others have said, you can't have it both ways. If you are relying on your MIL to bail you out, you need to take what comes with it. You're essentially asking her to choose between her children and her grandchildren.

You need to start developing a non-family support system for situations like this, because let me tell you, as they get older, it happens more and more. We used to have DS babysat by mostly family. (DH is one of 8, so there is always someone around to watch). However, several years ago, DH's BIL passed away suddenly. So all the family babysitters on that side were occupied. My parents were in FL. DS wound up sleeping over a friend's house. We had known this family for years, and they really stepped up, and helped us out. Having friends/babysitters in place for stuff like this is PRICELESS![/QUOTE]

I know I need to do some research into it. Luckily my mom said that she would rather spend the 8 hr round trip to help us out than see DD over there again. She too is upset so I'll have her if need be until I find someone around here.

 

[luvsJack]

Before you start throwing stones you really should know what you are talking about!!! Unless your DD and all of you live in a bubble she could have caught a cold from anywhere including you and your DH even if you aren't sick you can still carry it. And you know exactly how long a virus lives so you can pinpoint exactly when the exposure happened, I'm impressed.

What really PO'd me is your snarky comment about the cavities. How do you know why he has the cavities?
Gee I guess you should call Children's services on me since my DD had cavities and a tooth crowned by the time she was 2 1/2!
See she had 3 teeth come in either with minimal or missing the enamel, nothing to do with how she was being taken care of-actually well as the Dentist said because we caught it and had taken her to the dentist at her young age.

So if you are going to look down your nose at someone you should at least know what you are talking about. You aren't the only one who knows how to take care of a child.

I have to agree with Hannathy on the cavity bit. DS was three and had to have 4 of his front teeth capped (3 were silver and 1 white enamel, he loved his "gold" teeth, as he called them. ) It had nothing to do with my care of him or his teeth. His teeth came in bad. He didn't have another cavity until he was a teen.


OP, if you feel that strongly about your mil taking your child to your bil's house and she feels just as strongly that she will take her there--Don't leave her with your mil. Problem solved.

Again, you just cannot have it both ways. No, being family doesn't mean that someone is the kind of person you want to be around; but you sound very judgemental and a bit snobbish when it comes to your in-laws. A messy house and not taking care of their child to your standards, doesn't mean that your child is in danger. Maybe you need to take a long hard look at YOU and you may see why your dh doesn't get all up in the air about this stuff. Might help your marriage in the long run too.

 

[mrsr2ro]

Finally caught up on all the posts and after hearing all the details:

OP - you are not being snobbish and I would be upset too.

Call me a control freak, but I would like to at least know if there are plans being made to take a sick child out like that. I don't live near ANY family but when we visit them, sometimes my sister will take the boys for the day to hang out with her boys. She will call and say "hey, we are headed x,y,z -- not ask permission, but just an FYI. To me it's common courtesy.

Everyone can play Monday morning quarterback about the car buying - at the time, you thought you were doing the right thing and it shouldn't have been a big deal. But now that MIL has shown what she will do - then yeah, from now on find someone else. I am also not big on confrontations, especially when it comes to family. So if it were me - I wouldn't say anything and just go with someone else in the future