Advice needed from my anonymous best friends

[Alice's Mom]

I need DIS opinions, I fear you may agree with my Mother though...so here it goes, it may get long.

I started a new job this week and I was handed the benefits package and was told to pick as soon as possible, benefits start in 30 days, great.

So I take the packet over to my Mom's to get her advice and as I was reading the different packages off to her and prices, she interrupted and asked if I was listing the prices for me only or for Alice and me. I was listing for both of course.

Here's the background. I have solely raised and provided for my daughter from the get go with the exception of medical benefits. My last job did not provide additional benefits to dependents (weird I know). So her...I hesitate to use the word...father has been required by law to pay for insurance through his employer. He does not call her, let alone see her or pay support. This is the one thing he does and he gave me a ton of grief. She doesn't even know she has a Dad (please no flames on that one)

Now that I have this new job, I make more money and I can provide the medical benefits for her and take him completely out of the equation. My Mother thinks I am nuts and should have him continue the way it has been. The price of the medical package doubles with her on it, but even the most expensive package is only $165/month.

My mom is usually right and I realize that I have a lot of pride about the situation. I feel like I should be proud though. I have a 2 bedroom apartment in So. California, no roommates, a fridge full of food, I took her to WDW last year and we have Disneyland Annual Passes along with everything else that a 5 year old and a household requires. I'm a single mom thats doing well!

I would love advice, should I take him out of the equation or let things stay as they were. The medical insurance will be comparable so neither person will be able to offer a better package. I have a feeling I know what you guys might say, but I would like to read your opinions.

Thank you

 

[AprilShowers]

If this were my decision, I would put her on my insurance, but let her Dad's be the primary insurance. That way if he flakes out on that part, she still has coverage.

 

[diznygirl]

I'm like you - I would want to eliminate a deadbeat dad from the picture entirely. Who cares that he "owes" her something? In a perfect world he would owe her a dad she could love and trust. But since that ain't happening, no sense in just hanging onto the insurance just so he is responsible for something.

If this were my decision, I would put her on my insurance, but let her Dad's be the primary insurance. That way if he flakes out on that part, she still has coverage.

This is a good compromise.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Double coverage is a faboo thing if, god forbid, she ever gets critically ill or has a major injury. I can tell you from experience that a major illness can bankrupt you even if you have insurance. I don't recall the exact numbers but something like 50% of personal bankruptcies are due to medical expenses and more than 50% of those had insurance. The law requires her sperm donor to cover her, take advantage of that. If he ignores her in every other way, it's the least he can do for her. Insurance coverage doesn't obligate you in any other way that you aren't already obligated in regards to their relationship.

 

[mickeyboat]

From an emotional standpoint, I can't really say what I would do. I can sort of understand wanting to break all ties with her father. But...

From a monetary standpoint, I would keep her on his insurance. If he ever does drop her, you can always add her to yours, without a break in coverage. Take that money that you would have spent on insurance and sock it away for college, for her wedding, for a car when she turns 16.

Denae

 

[foolishmortal]

Double coverage is a faboo thing if, god forbid, she ever gets critically ill or has a major injury. I can tell you from experience that a major illness can bankrupt you even if you have insurance. I don't recall the exact numbers but something like 50% of personal bankruptcies are due to medical expenses and more than 50% of those had insurance. The law requires her sperm donor to cover her, take advantage of that. If he ignores her in every other way, it's the least he can do for her. Insurance coverage doesn't obligate you in any other way that you aren't already obligated in regards to their relationship.

ITA.

She doesn't know about him know and if that is how you like it fine! But this money coming out of his check every payday at least is a little way if him knowing what he has done and maybe just maybe 1 day he will understand it.

 

[MBeds]

From an emotional standpoint, I can't really say what I would do. I can sort of understand wanting to break all ties with her father. But...

From a monetary standpoint, I would keep her on his insurance. If he ever does drop her, you can always add her to yours, without a break in coverage. Take that money that you would have spent on insurance and sock it away for college, for her wedding, for a car when she turns 16.

Denae

This is exactly what i was going to say...

 

[Servants of Evan]

I completely understand about breaking all ties with the sperm donor, but if he's as unrelyable as it sounds, I would get the coverage for her. Keep his coverage as primary, but have yours in place as back up. When my DS had to be hospitalized I was amazed at how quickly the bills racked up. Fortunately, I and my DW each have full family coverage and when the insurance companies finally got it all sorted out, we had to pay only $50. Fifty bucks beats several thousand (or more) any day...

 

[beckmrk04]

I didn't have a dad either- and you know what? I'm ok with it! My dad didn't want to be part of my life (which of course I didn't know at the time), and my Mom did more than enough for both of them.

Go with your gut. If he doesn't see what a special gift he has in her, then let him out of the picture. You'll reap all the benefits with your beautiful DD!

 

[budbeerlady]

ITA.

She doesn't know about him know and if that is how you like it fine! But this money coming out of his check every payday at least is a little way if him knowing what he has done and maybe just maybe 1 day he will understand it.

I like her post, he should be glad he isnt paying child support that is due to your DD. I would also double up. We did that even within our own family. Dh holds the primary policy and my policy is secondary. We both pay weekly premiums but luckily mine is only $16 a week for our family of 3. When I had DD it was wonderful to have no bills after both companies paid the balances.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I'd get insurance for the both of you. If you count on this guy for medical insurance and he falls through, which I wouldn't put past him, given what you've said...you'll end up screwed.

But I wouldn't stop his. God forbid something major happens (and sometimes it does), you'll be doubly covered.

So, that's what I would do.

I think that you should do what you want - regardless of what we (or your mother) think. Sounds to me like you've done a pretty good job so far!

 

[RadioFanatic]

I agree with him being primary and your's secondary - another thing to consider is, which coverage is better - your's or his?

BTW, a round of applause to you for how well you did for yourself and your daughter as a single mom.

 

[Marseeya]

I totally understand where you're coming from, and I'm in the same position with my DS. DS doesn't know anything about his "sperm donor" and I want to keep it that way. I cut all ties with him when I was pregnant with DS.

IMO, since you've already nudged that door open a crack by accepting his insurance, I think you should continue to use it in order to have that extra coverage.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

I think you should put her on your insurance and not tell the dad that you've done it.

That way he still has to be responsible for his actions, but you aren't dependent on him for your daughter's well-being.

In case of some sort of emergency, always list his insurance first and yours second. You'll be able to get by with fewer out-of-pocket costs for as long as he actually keeps up the payments on his insurance.

In case you doubted such a response would come out of my mouth...check my first tag.

 

[Hannathy]

Make him pay. He should be paying everything he has to. If they ordered him to pay insurance they didn't order support also? If they did make him pay it is your daughters right put it in the bank or use it for Disney but he shouldn't get a free ride.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Just FYI, you may not have a choice in who's coverage is primary. It all depends on your insurance company and the state you live in. In MS Dh's insurance in primary on his DD because he's required by law to cover her. In WA (at least when I was a kid which was many moons ago) it was the parent who's birthday came first in the year. In other states, the custodial parent is the primary. Just don't be suprised if you have to continue his as primary.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think I'd like to amend my response a bit.

My insurance has no deductible. So it would be of no benefit - other than coverage for my $10 co-pay, to be double-insured. If the donor's plan has a high deductible, or omits coverage for something you think is necessary, then I might pay for double coverage. When I had Hannah, I was in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks, she was in the ICN for 2 weeks, and it cost me $10 - total. To top it all off, my employer pays the premium for me and my family.

I know, you all want to hit me. I'm one lucky girl.

Second, if he suddeny stops paying for your DD's insurance, you are entitled to receive a COBRA letter of notification. It should give you plenty of time to get her on your insurance. There would be no pre-existing condition issues if she doesn't have a break in insurance.

The premium would be almost $1,000 per year out of your pocket. Save it up over the next 13 years, and it's 13k (assuming the premium doesn't increase ). You could do a lot with that money.

Denae

 

[kelleigh1]

I like two ideas. I like the idea of adding her to your coverage as secondary and keeping his primary. This way he definitely does have some responsibility for her and if for any reason, either of you loses coverage, the other is there as backup.

I also like the other idea of leaving her on his coverage and taking what you would have spent to put her on yours and putting that away into a 529 College plan or other savings program for the future. It doesn't sound like he'll be wanting to help with her education, so this could be a great way to save for that now.

On another note, I understand why you want to take him totally out of the equation, but please...for your daughter's sake, make sure that there is some link there. I'm not saying to introduce her to him or anything along those lines, but in the case of some medical emergency or illness, please make sure that some member of your family (besides just you), has some way of reaching him or accessing info about him. You just never know when your daughter may need access to her medical history. Or even, God forbid, a blood, marrow or other type of transfusion/donation, and he may be her best and/or only option.

 

[Nana Annie]

I would definitely do the double coverage thing. A major illness is unlikely, but it could happen.

But if it does happen, it could be devastating. A friend of our's child had a major childhood illness. With complications that followed, they hit their $1 million lifetime max that was tied to their coverage. Thankfully she was double covered, so they never had worry.

The other thing to consider is that if your child is treated for an ongoing medical issue via sperm donor's coverage and then he drops her - you may encounter difficulty getting a new insurance company (ie: you then move her to yours) to cover that medical condition as it would become a "pre-existing" condition.

If my friends had not already been double covered and they hit their lifetime max on dad's insurance, they would never have been able to add her at that time to mom's insurance because now it was a pre-existing condition. The fact that she was double covered while healthy allowed them to access the benefits of both insurances and keep from going into medical bankruptcy.

Also, in our state, it is also the person who's birthday falls earlier in the year that is designated as primary coverage.

One other thing to contemplate - does Sperm donor ever have to fill in any of the insurance paperwork? You have to declare each and every time whether the child has more than one insurance - even for a visit to the pediatrician for an ear infection. So, his insurance will need to be notified that the daughter has a secondary insurance policy. If you don't want him to know you also have her covered, than you probably don't want him to cover her.

 

[Beth76]

I would put her on your insurance. What happens if his coverage lapses or something? Would she be able to get on your insurance right away? I know sometimes they have "windows of opportunity" when you can change plans and such. Don't know if it applies to adding someone. Also if she does get a serious illness she might not be able to get on your insurance later due to a pre-existing condition.