Advice needed - 13yr old boy/girl party trouble

[jayally]

My daughter turned 13 in December and is still a little girl in many ways. Her best friend turned 13 this week but she is very mature and developed for her age and looks and acts a lot older. I am very good friends with her Mother and her daughter (The party girl) calls me her 2nd Mom so I had no problem when my daughter was invited to a slumber party. When we arrived there was very loud rave music going on and some girls were already there, my friend was the only adult but she seemed in charge.

About 10:30ish my daughter texted me she wanted to come home because she was not having a lot of fun but because she tends to like to be a homebody and shy around people she does not know I encouraged her to stay and told her to go upstairs if she felt out of place. About 11pm my daughter called and said there were boys there and she was very uncomfortable and another friend's Mother had come to get her daughter and she was going to spend the night at her house. I said fine and immediately called my friend and said there seemed to be something going on that was upsetting some of the girls and they were leaving. She said it was not her fault that "some girls" wanted to be bumps on a log and don't know how to have fun and no one had complained to her and everthing was just fine.

The next day I spoke with 3 other girls who comfirmed what my daughter said. There were 3 boys there and they were grinding on the girls who were dancing and placing their hands where they didn't belong and the party girl was mad that the other girls would not get up and dance provocativly and have a good time. They said the Mom only came downstairs twice the entire night and both times everyone had warning she was coming. There were about 15 kids there and 7 of them left early giving different excuses to leave. One of the girls was told by the party girl if she tattled she would get beat up so they were too intimidated to complain to the Mom so they called their parents instead.

We were invited to a "family" Birthday party the next day. I decided to go so we could get the awkwardness out of the way and move on. Instead she was angry with my daughter and said if anyone had a problem they should have said something. She does not believe there were other girl's beside my daughter that were upset by the boys and other things that were going on and that my daughter ruined the party by making her daughter upset.

My friend doesn't want to hear her daughter is not perfect and wants to blame others instead of admiting she made a mistake in allowing boys over and the party to get out of control and that maybe her sweet and innocent 13yr old is not so sweet after all. After her comment she ignored me and refused to look or talk to me and her daughter sat next to her and did the same thing so we left. I don't want my daughter and I to lose a 7 yr friendship over this and feel my daughter and the other girls did the right thing by leaving when it was becoming uncomfortable and threatening.

We are involved in many activities together and I don't want this to be an issue. The other Mom's want to talk with her about this too but not sure how to handle it as my experience was not a good one. I feel it was irresponsible to allow boys over to a 13yr old's slumber party. The boys were there as late as 11pm when my daughter left and there was never any mention of boys on the invite or during conversations. Many of the girls said they would not have gone if they knew there would be boys.

My friend got mad at her daughter awhile ago when she heard a boy kissed her at another birthday party she went to so I don't understand why she thinks this wouldn't be a problem in her house with teenage boys roaming around with the lights off, loud rave music playing and flirtaous girls encouraing them.

Any advice how I should handle this? My daughter doesn't know what to say to her best friend who won't talk to her anymore. Any good things she can say or do to break the ice without feeling like she did something wrong by leaving? Would you allow Boys over to a 13yr old's "slumber" or other kind of party? Are we over-reacting?

 

[JerseyJanice]

It sounds to me like you and your DD need to cool it with this friendship until your DD catches up to the other girl in physical maturity. If you somehow smooth this situation over, the same type of thing will happen again and again until the day that your DD and this girl reach the same level of maturity.

Everyone matures at different rates. Personally, I think kids should stay kids as long as they can. Childhood is so short, why rush growing up? This is an awkward age because you will have some kids who are very grown up physically, and others who are obviously still children.

I remember that age myself. I was the childish one, while my neighbor friend across the street was very grown up physically. The story you told could have been mine. It wasn't a slumber party, but I went over there for her birthday party, and there were boys and other friends of hers, and the next thing I knew, they were all making out. I ran out of there in shock and horror!

The funny thing is I'm still friendly with that girl. We're in our 40s now, and she still seems a lot older than me.

 

[kathmzh]

I agree with cooling it....certainly stay friendly, but do you really want your DD to be best friends with this girl, if this is the way things are heading at only 13? I ran into a similar situation with my DD12 and a good friend of hers....some girls at this age try to act like they are 16...I am very, very glad my DD does not want to! It sounds like your DD has plenty of friends who feel the same way, if 7 girls left the party. I would have been very, very upset, BTW, if I had not been told there were going to be boys, unchaperoned, at the party beforehand. Good luck!

 

[Otimon]

It's been a long time since my daughter was 13, but if she called me from a boy/girl party feeling uncomfortable and wanted to come home - I would have been over there in a flash and asked questions later!

Just my personal opinion.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter turned 13 in December and is still a little girl in many ways. Her best friend turned 13 this week but she is very mature and developed for her age and looks and acts a lot older. I am very good friends with her Mother and her daughter (The party girl) calls me her 2nd Mom so I had no problem when my daughter was invited to a slumber party. When we arrived there was very loud rave music going on and some girls were already there, my friend was the only adult but she seemed in charge.

About 10:30ish my daughter texted me she wanted to come home because she was not having a lot of fun but because she tends to like to be a homebody and shy around people she does not know I encouraged her to stay and told her to go upstairs if she felt out of place. About 11pm my daughter called and said there were boys there and she was very uncomfortable and another friend's Mother had come to get her daughter and she was going to spend the night at her house. I said fine and immediately called my friend and said there seemed to be something going on that was upsetting some of the girls and they were leaving. She said it was not her fault that "some girls" wanted to be bumps on a log and don't know how to have fun and no one had complained to her and everthing was just fine.

The next day I spoke with 3 other girls who comfirmed what my daughter said. There were 3 boys there and they were grinding on the girls who were dancing and placing their hands where they didn't belong and the party girl was mad that the other girls would not get up and dance provocativly and have a good time. They said the Mom only came downstairs twice the entire night and both times everyone had warning she was coming. There were about 15 kids there and 7 of them left early giving different excuses to leave. One of the girls was told by the party girl if she tattled she would get beat up so they were too intimidated to complain to the Mom so they called their parents instead.

We were invited to a "family" Birthday party the next day. I decided to go so we could get the awkwardness out of the way and move on. Instead she was angry with my daughter and said if anyone had a problem they should have said something. She does not believe there were other girl's beside my daughter that were upset by the boys and other things that were going on and that my daughter ruined the party by making her daughter upset.

My friend doesn't want to hear her daughter is not perfect and wants to blame others instead of admiting she made a mistake in allowing boys over and the party to get out of control and that maybe her sweet and innocent 13yr old is not so sweet after all. After her comment she ignored me and refused to look or talk to me and her daughter sat next to her and did the same thing so we left. I don't want my daughter and I to lose a 7 yr friendship over this and feel my daughter and the other girls did the right thing by leaving when it was becoming uncomfortable and threatening.

We are involved in many activities together and I don't want this to be an issue. The other Mom's want to talk with her about this too but not sure how to handle it as my experience was not a good one. I feel it was irresponsible to allow boys over to a 13yr old's slumber party. The boys were there as late as 11pm when my daughter left and there was never any mention of boys on the invite or during conversations. Many of the girls said they would not have gone if they knew there would be boys.

My friend got mad at her daughter awhile ago when she heard a boy kissed her at another birthday party she went to so I don't understand why she thinks this wouldn't be a problem in her house with teenage boys roaming around with the lights off, loud rave music playing and flirtaous girls encouraing them.

Any advice how I should handle this? My daughter doesn't know what to say to her best friend who won't talk to her anymore. Any good things she can say or do to break the ice without feeling like she did something wrong by leaving? Would you allow Boys over to a 13yr old's "slumber" or other kind of party? Are we over-reacting?

I have a 13yodd and an 18yodd, so been there done that.

Your first mistake was not picking up your dd right away when she called. Now this is a life lesson for you.

I would apologize to your dd and tell her that next time she calls you will be picking her up right away.

As far as the friend issue, I am going to say that you are blowing things out of proportion somewhat and the friend's mom is digging her heels in as well.
She feels attacked by you.

So don't get over involved in the girl drama and take your dd's lead with this.

Best thing to do here is to apologize all around and make a pact with your dd to come when she calls. You need that bond there. Your dd needs to know she can trust you.

 

[AnnaS]

My opinion also - I would have picked her up when she contacted me the first time. Then another call - so if I decided to let her stay the first time because of her personality - the second call would have been enough to make me run there.

My daughter would also not be hanging out with this girl/group in the very near future either.

It's not easy when we are not there to see what the situation is really all about and depending on our kids/us parents - I am sure we will all react different.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I don't see anything wrong with having a coed party. Having the boys spend the night would be a problem, but just coming to the party, to dance, eat and hang out not a problem.


I'm not so sure I believe the girls didn't know the boys would be there. I'm sure the girls spent hours talking about the party - who got invited, what they would do, music, food.......

I can understand feeling uncomfortable with the dancing.

 

[clarabelle]

I would have a long talk with my daughter about what to do if there is a next time.

Also- I had a friend like this growing up -and to be honest -I would have liked it if someone had 'rescued" me from the situation. I was constantly getting into situations I was uncomfortable with because of her.(at least partly anyway)
It got much worse as we got older

If this family is going to put you in situations that go against your families values and customs -then maybe it is time to back off a bit.

I don't think you are over reacting -but I am a bit of a prude!

 

[mjkacmom]

It's interesting dd13 is very developed (more than I ever was - looks amazing in a bikini), but she and her friends are not boy-crazy (like I was). All of their birthday parties are still all female. At that age, every party I attended was boy/girl, with a bunch of kissing games, of course.

I'd have a problem if the boys stayed overnight, but boy/girl parties were the in thing for middle school. I agree with the others - you should've picked her up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's interesting dd13 is very developed (more than I ever was - looks amazing in a bikini), but she and her friends are not boy-crazy (like I was). All of their birthday parties are still all female. At that age, every party I attended was boy/girl, with a bunch of kissing games, of course.

I'd have a problem if the boys stayed overnight, but boy/girl parties were the in thing for middle school. I agree with the others - you should've picked her up.

So is mine, more than her 18yo sister which ticks her off. I am kind of cheesed that the OP thinks that girls that are developed are more prone to boys and stuff.

My 13yodd wants nothing to do with boys. Now she probably would have had fun dancing "rave style" because she likes music.

If a guy tried to touch her, not sure what she would do. Probably hit them.

 

[agnes!]

I would have picked my DD up at the first call. I always tell her "call me any time, and your dad or I will come to get you. I don't care what time it is, I don't care what's going on." I've also told her that if she's somewhere and is uncomfortable or feels like things are unsafe she can always say "I feel sick" (as in "throwing-up" type of sick) and call me. That way she has a safe out. Partyers (or folks with a possibly nefarious intent) don't want a wet-blanket around but they *really* don't want someone who might throw-up around.

agnes!

 

[kafitty]

okay seriously folks, what happened happened, and there was like 1/2 hour in between the first text message and the call that did get the OP to go get her, so it's not like she left her there for hours on end before she came and picked her up. i don't think y'all need to beat that horse.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think that the mom made a mistake in inviting boys over, there is nothing wrong with a co-ed party at the age of 13. I think the only problem I would have with her is her general attitude, that some of the girls are "bumps on a log" and that she was "angry" at your dd.

 

[Kit'smommy]

okay seriously folks, what happened happened, and there was like 1/2 hour in between the first text message and the call that did get the OP to go get her, so it's not like she left her there for hours on end before she came and picked her up. i don't think y'all need to beat that horse.

I don't care if it was five minutes. If my child called to tell me he was uncomfortable, I wouldn't second guess him. I would get him immediately and find out what was going on.

OP, it sounds like your DD needs a different friend for now.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

it sounds like your dd needed to handle this herself and she did... Its the other mom's right to allow boys over, but it should also be known to the other parents/ kids. I'm thinkgin that your dd probably knew about boys coming to the party and was maybe afraid to let you know??
At this age, some girls are ready to make out with boys and some aren't. I wasn't ready at that age, but I remember girls and boys who were. It is uncomfortable when you aren't ready to see these things and they are kind of thrust upon you. She called you, and you came.... She dealt with it the best way she knew how....now you and your DD need to have a talk about how she would handle it next time--- If your friend allows behavior like this in her home, and you don't agree with it, then the next time there is a sleepover, ask more questions... Nobody did anything wrong other than the lack of communication IMO

 

[agnes!]

The way I read it the OP did not pick her DD up. The DD arranged to go home with another girl who was also feeling uncomfortable and then she spent the night at that other house(not party-girl's house). The DD felt uncomfortable and did a very mature thing...arranged to get the heck out of there.

The issue for me is not that boys were invited, it's what transpired (grinding, etc.) and the fact that the kids were apparently not supervised in any meaningful way. Also that the party-girl's mom thinks someone who wanted to leave the party and who then left the party somehow *ruined* it for her special little snowflake.

OP - If you need to smooth things over, you could always apologize for hurting snowflake-child's feeling without actually apologizing for your DD leaving..."sorry susie was upset".

agnes!

 

[kellyg403]

Well I guess that what would peeve me off the most ist that mom thinks its o.k. to allow her dd to treat yours cruelly and not speak to her all the while making you feel bad because you are upset. I probably would put this friendship to rest...7 years or no. She has no, zero, nada, zilch respect for you and is teaching her dd the same little tricks. Sorry. You have known each other for 7 years? She didn't know that maybe it would be a good idea to let you know it was Co Ed? She doesn't know what type of parent you are and what you would like to know about where/what your dd is doing regardless of how she chooses to parent? Sorry...not your friend.

The flipside, your dd is 13 and in middle school. I agree with the other posters that said that there had to be talk among the girls about who was coming and who was not. Middle school around here wasn't too long ago and I can remember hearing the girls talking on the phone about parties and being upset because the 'cutest' wasn't coming. This is the age! Would you have let your dd go if you had known? Would she have withheld that information so she could go?

I have one who is a homebody. I get excited everytime..which is about every 6 months..he asks to go to the movies with a friend. He is 13 too. I know that sometimes I have to stop myself from pushing him to go to things because I want him to fit in and be part of group. Why I have no idea because I do truly love him for what he is. I just wonder if maybe he will have issues down the line 'making' friends. So, probably I would have done the same the first phone call. Usually what happens around here is he will get an invite for a sleepover, he will ask to be picked up at 10 pm because he doesn't want to sleep over and then he will call at 9 and ask me to take him his stuff to sleep over. This age is dramatically different than 12 for some reason. I wouldn't feel bad about not rushing the first time...I understand where you are coming from. But there is a fine line with being uncomfortable because they are immature and being uncomfortable because there is something getting out of control.

OP, I really do believe this whole 'friendship' thing is just something I would be done with. I also would be sitting my dd down and asking if she knew there were going to be boys and letting her know what your feelings are about COED so the next time she can let you know. At that point, if you are uncomfortable you can call the parents and ask the plan for the party and how much parental supervision there will be etc. You can then make an informed decision.

Kelly

 

[Darsa]

WHOA

My DD is 14; she's been having co-ed parties (birthday and "movie night" and New Year's, etc) for a year and a half now, but they are ALWAYS supervised. DD is much like you described yours; not really ready for all the "boy/girl" stuff, which she kinda found out the hard way by "dating" a boy who had more mature ideas as to a boy/girl friendship than she did. But she has several friends who happen to be male, and loves having them over, and I see nothing wrong with it. I would never ever allow the things this girl's "mother" allows, and I can't imagine a grownup would actually allow it, unless they're looking to be the state's youngest grandmother... or have to explain to her little snowflake's doctor that she doesn't know how her baby ended up with that STD...

I also would have picked up my DD after the first call (and have in the past, tho not for the same reason!!), and I think that a friendship with people like that might just end up being something you don't want for yourself OR your DD...

 

[luvmy3]

Well I guess that what would peeve me off the most ist that mom thinks its o.k. to allow her dd to treat yours cruelly and not speak to her all the while making you feel bad because you are upset. I probably would put this friendship to rest...7 years or no. She has no, zero, nada, zilch respect for you and is teaching her dd the same little tricks. Sorry. You have known each other for 7 years? She didn't know that maybe it would be a good idea to let you know it was Co Ed? She doesn't know what type of parent you are and what you would like to know about where/what your dd is doing regardless of how she chooses to parent? Sorry...not your friend.
The flipside, your dd is 13 and in middle school. I agree with the other posters that said that there had to be talk among the girls about who was coming and who was not. Middle school around here wasn't too long ago and I can remember hearing the girls talking on the phone about parties and being upset because the 'cutest' wasn't coming. This is the age! Would you have let your dd go if you had known? Would she have withheld that information so she could go?

I have one who is a homebody. I get excited everytime..which is about every 6 months..he asks to go to the movies with a friend. He is 13 too. I know that sometimes I have to stop myself from pushing him to go to things because I want him to fit in and be part of group. Why I have no idea because I do truly love him for what he is. I just wonder if maybe he will have issues down the line 'making' friends. So, probably I would have done the same the first phone call. Usually what happens around here is he will get an invite for a sleepover, he will ask to be picked up at 10 pm because he doesn't want to sleep over and then he will call at 9 and ask me to take him his stuff to sleep over. This age is dramatically different than 12 for some reason. I wouldn't feel bad about not rushing the first time...I understand where you are coming from. But there is a fine line with being uncomfortable because they are immature and being uncomfortable because there is something getting out of control.

OP, I really do believe this whole 'friendship' thing is just something I would be done with. I also would be sitting my dd down and asking if she knew there were going to be boys and letting her know what your feelings are about COED so the next time she can let you know. At that point, if you are uncomfortable you can call the parents and ask the plan for the party and how much parental supervision there will be etc. You can then make an informed decision.

Kelly

Wow, its not that moms responsibility to let all the other moms know there would be boys there. I mean thats ridiculous, kids have co-ed parties at every age, why suddenly when they turn 13 it becomes wrong or something that has to be told to every parent who has gotten an invite
I agree with you about her attitide and that her dd sounds very much like her, but that is typical drama, especially for 13 year old girls and I'm guessing the OP has already seen this in her years of friendship with her mom. I think its sad that some would suggest just throwing away years of friendship over some misunderstanding, what ever happened to being honest and working things out?

 

[JessicaR]

Your first mistake was not picking up your dd right away when she called. Now this is a life lesson for you.

I would apologize to your dd and tell her that next time she calls you will be picking her up right away.
.

Absolutely!

I would make sure you dont lose sight of what is MOST important, the relationship with your daughter. That should be your concern not how many activities you share with your friend and not that you dont want to waste a 7 year friendship. Thats secondary. Your friend doesn't seem to be on the same page as you and it seems she doesn't care.