Advice: How to deal with...

[CharityLynn]

How do I deal with my sister?

Background:

My sister has been married almost a year, it is her second marriage (she is only 26). She rushed into her first marriage after our dad died and realized that he wasn't the one. (They have a child)

Anyways husband #2 we have known since grade school and he was that one guy she never really got over. They reconnected, she divorced husband #1 and got pregnant and married husband #2.

Anyways husband #2 is a drinker, not sure I'd say alcoholic but he does drink and at times alot. He totally berates my sister. In one memorable fight he told her he didn't even love her and that he hasn't wnated to be with ehr for a while. After this fight in which in many other ugly things were said, she came to my house. She was going to leave him and move back in with our mom etc.

Of course that night they talk and they are back together. She wanted to be able to say she tired and gave it her all. I understand that. Thingsw ere great for oh about 2 weeks and she's calling again. She's asking if she can put her belongings in my sun porch, I told her yes. Apparently he is now accusing her of cheating, he calls her a slut and a ***** in front of their children and even when she is on the phone with her friend. So she left him again and isa ctually staying at my mom's house. Not good timing at all since Mom is getting married tomorrow.

Well they talk again and he wants a couple days apart and then is willing to work on things again. (I believe he is cheating on her or at least has someone in mind and this is why he wants the couple days to himself.) He left a pregnant girlfriend for my sister...

She has posted a lot of stuff on her myspace/facebook status stuff and a friend of mine responded telling her she was a lot stronger than she has been acting and that her girls deserve better. Well of course my sister deleted it and doesn't want to hear it because "she doesn't need people telling her stuff she already knows" ?!?! HUH?

She knows she isn't doing the right thing for herself or her daughters and yet she is going to do it anyways. I understand that is hurting now and the thought at "failing" another marriage (her words not mine) is too much for her.

The thing is I don't really want to talk to her, I mean if she is just going to keep going back to him what is the point of me listening to anything. I love my sister dearly but I don't get it. How can she let anyone treat her the way this guy does? I wouldn't stand for it and she wouldn't have with her first husband either.

Of course i get bashed because I have the "perfect" husband and I don't need to complain about him at all. So I don't understand her, this being said by my mom and sister. (I really do have a great husband)

I guess the question is, do I ignore her when she talks about him? Do I ask her not to talk about it? How do I deal with the fact that he will be with her at our Mom's wedding tomorrow? Sigh...

 

[JR6ooo4]

at the wedding, I would keep it civil. if the subject comes up just say "I do not wish to discuss this now".

and for the guy, you can still give him the cold shoulder, and the evil eye. just no punches, verbal or physical.

and for mom and other sis saying you can not understand it because you have not lived it...? I can figure the area under a curve but I have never been a curve! they have screwey logic.

Mikeeee

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How do I deal with my sister?

Background:

My sister has been married almost a year, it is her second marriage (she is only 26). She rushed into her first marriage after our dad died and realized that he wasn't the one. (They have a child)

Anyways husband #2 we have known since grade school and he was that one guy she never really got over. They reconnected, she divorced husband #1 and got pregnant and married husband #2.

Anyways husband #2 is a drinker, not sure I'd say alcoholic but he does drink and at times alot. He totally berates my sister. In one memorable fight he told her he didn't even love her and that he hasn't wnated to be with ehr for a while. After this fight in which in many other ugly things were said, she came to my house. She was going to leave him and move back in with our mom etc.

Of course that night they talk and they are back together. She wanted to be able to say she tired and gave it her all. I understand that. Thingsw ere great for oh about 2 weeks and she's calling again. She's asking if she can put her belongings in my sun porch, I told her yes. Apparently he is now accusing her of cheating, he calls her a slut and a ***** in front of their children and even when she is on the phone with her friend. So she left him again and isa ctually staying at my mom's house. Not good timing at all since Mom is getting married tomorrow.

Well they talk again and he wants a couple days apart and then is willing to work on things again. (I believe he is cheating on her or at least has someone in mind and this is why he wants the couple days to himself.) He left a pregnant girlfriend for my sister...

She has posted a lot of stuff on her myspace/facebook status stuff and a friend of mine responded telling her she was a lot stronger than she has been acting and that her girls deserve better. Well of course my sister deleted it and doesn't want to hear it because "she doesn't need people telling her stuff she already knows" ?!?! HUH?

She knows she isn't doing the right thing for herself or her daughters and yet she is going to do it anyways. I understand that is hurting now and the thought at "failing" another marriage (her words not mine) is too much for her.

The thing is I don't really want to talk to her, I mean if she is just going to keep going back to him what is the point of me listening to anything. I love my sister dearly but I don't get it. How can she let anyone treat her the way this guy does? I wouldn't stand for it and she wouldn't have with her first husband either.

Of course i get bashed because I have the "perfect" husband and I don't need to complain about him at all. So I don't understand her, this being said by my mom and sister. (I really do have a great husband)

I guess the question is, do I ignore her when she talks about him? Do I ask her not to talk about it? How do I deal with the fact that he will be with her at our Mom's wedding tomorrow? Sigh...

Listen and try not to comment and deal with it in the now. It is your mom's wedding, you are going to be in close quarters.

In other words, be an ear, polite, whatever it takes to get thru the wedding stuff. Try and say little and be supportive. Above all do not complain to your mother at all and let her enjoy her day.

Now as far as after the wedding, I would just be evasive for now. See where it goes and again, say little to her and mom when she starts wants to vent.

Don't emotionally invest yourself or at least try to do so. I know with kids it can get really gut wrenching.

Think about the kids instead. Take them off her hands or interact with them more. Think about what memory you want to give them during this crisis in their lives.

In other words try and make yourself more positive. It is hard but it is worth it in the long run.

Her life is falling apart right now.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I tried to help my younger sister - as did every other member of my family. Her husband, an alcoholic and wife beater, is one of the worst human beings that I have ever met. They have 3 children.

Every time he hit her, she left, then she returned. After 10 years of this, he went too far (she actually feared for her life and that of her children) and she left him for good. He went to prison for that event and she won full custody.

But she won't even talk to the rest of us, her family or friends. In trying to help her all of those years, she felt that we were attacking her husband. By the time she came to her senses, none of us had a relationship with her anymore. 3 years later, she still won't talk to us (though now it is just her pride).

My advice - leave it alone. Only she can decide to stand up for herself. You can only help by building up her self confidence. Tearing him down in any way could lead to disaster.

Good luck...

 

[Jennasis]

Give her hugs and a sympathetic ear. Do NOT offer advice. She doesn't want it anyway. She wants someone to tell her that what she is doing is right. Nothing you CAN do but be supportive of HER and love HER. Her decisions are her own.

 

[CharityLynn]

Thank you all for your advice! I especially loved your advice Jennasis and think I will definately follow this.

 

[FireDancer]

From your description the guy sounds like a douche nozzle. Did I read correctly that he has one pregnant girl he left for you sister who is also pregnant now? I think your reservations are pretty good BUT...

As PP's have said you have to let her make the decisions. There are ways to handle it in a way that won't make it sound like you are judging her, even if you know you are (and probably should, at least privately).

People have to make their own choices and mistakes. Watching it is hard but it is what it is.

I have a friend who married a stripper. The marriage was a disaster for many reasons and because of both of their actions. They get divorced and a year later he is marrying another stripper that could have been the clone of his first wife emotionally, morally, and pretty much every other ...ally. I told him I thought it was a mistake but wished him the best. It lasted 3 weeks. In the end I never did an I told you so or anything like that, I just asked if he learned anything about himself from it...time will tell.

Hopefully she will come to her senses before it is too late but a child is already involved.

 

[CharityLynn]

He actually has 4 children in total. 2 with one woman, then the baby from his pregnant ex (He's never seen her, she is 2 years old) and then the daughter he shares with my sister. I have to say I love "Douche nozzle" it made me LOL

 

[FireDancer]

He actually has 4 children in total. 2 with one woman, then the baby from his pregnant ex (He's never seen her, she is 2 years old) and then the daughter he shares with my sister. I have to say I love "Douche nozzle" it made me LOL

Ok, I thought his other girlfriend and you sister were both pregnant now...not that the picture you painted is much better. Yeah, I stick by douche nozzle.