Advice for teenage DD

[NMAmy]

Oh, yikes. I see the same things happening that I dealt with last year. A little history here: Last fall, DD (13) got involved with a group of girls (well, one in particular) that are just...well, I call them the Heathers. It ended up getting so bad that DD stayed with her dad in NM after Christmas break and went to school out there from January till the end of the school year. It just about broke my heart but her dad was really pressuring her to stay with him and the girls at school were being awful. DD and I have a great relationship and, frankly, being at her dad's house really made her appreciate DH and I even more and she's (most of the time) been a joy to have around.

She came home in May and has been spending some time with all her old friends, including the Alpha Heather. I tried to discourage her from spending time with her but DD insisted that she'd changed. Well, guess what? Big surprise but Alpha Heather has NOT changed and is now being just as snotty as ever--excluding DD and just being a general little witch. DD is very upset and we've had discussions about extending her base of friends but she keeps insisting that Alpha Heather controls everyone and that I have no idea what I'm talking about. My main fear is that she's going to run away again to her dad (and he's encouraging it, I know for a fact.) We have joint custody so if she really wants to go, I have no way to stop her. I just don't want her to get the idea that running away from your problems is ok.

Basically, I just would love a little support--Anyone out there been in a similar situation?

 

[SandraM]

I can sympathise, my DD (nearly 17) has an occasional "friend" who stitches her up every time they get pally. I'm currently waiting for the next situation to crop up.
The last one was a couple of years ago when the little witch was going away to Irish college with a few other pals and was "inviting" my DD to join them. Well, my DD got the application form and called this little madam to say she was all set, and the little witch said Oh sorry it's too late, my Mum has sent off all the forms asking for us friends to be together. You can apply separately but you won't be with us!
It turned out for the best as I got my DD into a residential sailing course where she had a ball, and also, the other "friends" didn't even know that the little witch had asked to be with them, her Mum wasn't sending all their forms off the the Irish college at all.
The "friendship" cooled off then for a long while.
I always say to my DD "How do you know that little witch is lying? She opens her mouth!"
It's very hard to try and protect them when you can see what is going on, but they won't listen.
Wishing you the best.

 

[Serena]

It is never a good idea to give your kids a reason to feel the need to defend the mean ones to you. It makes it a lot harder for them to see the mean ones for what they are. and makes it harder for them not to want to be right at all costs.

You have to let them be hurt once in a while, and just be there to pick up the pieces.
All you can do is try and talk to them about it, but then let them figure it out. It's hard, I know.

 

[Figaro77]

Hello - thought you might want to know, this issue with adolescent girls is called "relational aggression." www.opheliaproject.org is a site that deals with research and strategies for ending relational aggression, and providing girls with healthier social atmospheres. This also just gives girls a language to describe what they are experiencing, which we as a culture do a good job of ignoring or minimizing. You can get lots of information about this issue from this website, as well as links to advice for coping and supporting girls who are experiencing this. I can assure you - you and your daughter are not alone in your experiences. Also, there is an excellent book on the market called "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls" by Rachel Simmons that also deals with this issue. I have worked quite a bit at addressing this issue both programmatically in schools, as well as working with individual girls in therapy (I'm a counselor), and to my knowledge, these are probably the best two resources a parent can have - at least a starting point. I hope this helps.

 

[OhMari]

I pulled my dd 14 out of the public school for jr high and put her back in the catholic school.

I had the same problem with a friend being so alpha. It was so nice the last 2 years. She really settled down and we all could see such a big difference getting away from such a controlling friend.

Monday we had orientation for h.s. and after we had a volleyball meeting. We were going to go sign up for cheerleading & dance for the winter months and this alpha friend told everyone her opinion about cheerleading and dance. Well, that did it for my dd too, she won't go out now for cheerleading. She loved cheerleading the last 2 years.

I tried to convince them to at least try out and they wouldn't. I walked home and a hour later all the girls walked in. The alpha friend was still on her kick about cheerleading and my older dd-20 said she played 3 sports each year all 4 years and she said she wished she would of cheerleaded. The girls laughed at her and she said, "hey don't dis it until you do it." That sort of sunk in.

It just makes me sad that my dd-14 is letting this alpha friend tell her what to do, commenting on what she wears, etc. I hope they drift a little apart in h.s. They have been friends since they were 4. I like this girl, but I just wish she wasn't so powerful over my dd. I told my dd, you have the power, don't let your friends always tell you what to do."

 

[Tiggeroo]

Figaro, interesting, I was facinated by the book Saving Ophelia.
OP - I don't know what to tell you except to say that I remember how cliquey hs was. It is very difficult to break out of a particular group, and it does feel like you will have no other friends. My first impulse is that she shouldn't be allowed to use the dad as a safety net, back and forth. But then I thought if things are very bad, perhaps she really needs it. You should maybe try to get her in some counseling as well as talk personally/privately with her guidance counselor about the situation.

 

[gigi1313]

i have two great books to recommend... "queen bees and wannabees" (which a recent movie was based on, but the name of the movie escapes me right now, sorry) and "odd girl out" both explain the behaviors of girls, the hidden aggression and lots of other things, including how to help your daughter get thru it...

good luck to the OP... i hope your dd finds real friends that she can enjoy and be herself with!

 

[mickeyboat]

It doesn't only happen in high school. At my daughters' day care, there is a little girl (5) who is the day care provider's favorite. And boy does she know it. She is so mean to the other kids. She tells one of my daughters she is invited to her birthday party, and tells the other one she can't come. She tells my kids that their coloring is ugly and their writing is just scribbling.

Where would a 5 year old learn that behavior? I don't think my kids would ever think to put another child down. I teach my them to share with one another and be nice to one another because it makes others feel happy.

I wonder what will happen to that child when she starts school. (Her parents took her out of Pre-K because she was being kept in from recess because she would not participate in the sing-alongs - that's a whole other story). Will she be the alpha female and boss everyone around, or will the other kids find her as distasteful as I do?

I don't have to find this out because when school starts, this girl will not be going to the same day care as my kids. I don't say this to my kids, but good riddance (sp?)!

Denae

 

[Keli]

I don't really have any advice here but as the mother of a dd that has thankfully now finished her hs years I feel your pain. Whew! Nobody, anywhere, at anytime has ever demostrated as much venom in my presence as hs girls. The things they'll do and say to each other is beyond belief. It's hard to raise a dd to be beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside in that environment.

 

[NMAmy]

I appreciate all the thoughtful answers. Figaro, I'm going to check out that website--thank you for the link.

I've read the books (I really liked Queen Bees and the name of the movie was "Mean Girls") and I've discussed this with DD till I'm blue in the face. She is actually very aware of what's going on, the jealousy involved, etc., but she gets emotional when she gets caught up in all the hoopla and takes awhile to calm down and think about it rationally. What bothers me most is the running away part. I think if she had to stay and face the problem, she'd realize that it's not the end of the world. Unfortunately, I'll never get her dad to not encourage her to come stay with him. I understand that he loves her, too, but her family life there is not the greatest and I'm constantly forced to console her about things that happen there.

I just got the phone call I knew was coming--dd just called and asked if she could stay with her dad for a week. She's insisting that she's made up with her friends and this is just for a visit but I know that this is exactly what happened last time. I just don't think I can take it again.