Advice: called mom by sibling you are raising...

[gate_pourri]

I am having drinks with a friend Kelly after work tonight and I know she is going to ask me for my opinion/advice on situation in her family. Having no kids, nor siblings of my own, I have no idea how to give her advice. Since I know she is going to bring it up and I'd like to answer more than 'hmmm...' as I did when she told me last night, I thought perhaps the Dis could help.

Basically, in a nutshell. Kelly has 2 young children (age 3 and 1) and has been raising her two younger sisters for almost 3 years now (They are now 8 and 11, where 5 and 8 when she took them in). On Sunday, the younger sister (let's call her Jessica) came running into the house screaming "mommy! mommy! Guess What? Guess What? I... " and than sort of stopped mid-sentence and ran up the stairs crying. Later on, Jessica came back down and told her about hitting a home run. Neither have mentioned the 'mommy' thing since.

So, now Kelly doesn't know what to do and wants my advice (my advice... What the heck do I know???) I am inclined to tell her to talk to Jessica, tell her it is OK to call her mom if she wants (Kelly seems okay with it) and she what Jessica says... But, part of me is also non-confrontational and thinks perhaps just letting it go is better. What would the 11 year old think about it, etc.?

 

[EthansMom]

So, now Kelly doesn't know what to do and wants my advice (my advice... What the heck do I know???) I am inclined to tell her to talk to Jessica, tell her it is OK to call her mom if she wants (Kelly seems okay with it) and she what Jessica says... But, part of me is also non-confrontational and thinks perhaps just letting it go is better. What would the 11 year old think about it, etc.?

My opinion: I would sit her down and explain that I love her the same as my own children and she can call me anything that makes her feel most comfortable.

 

[4greatboys]

I would tell her to sit down and talk to the girls. Tell them she is okay with whatever they want to call her and see what makes them feel the most comfortable.

 

[worm761]

I have to agree. If she is raising them, she is their mom. You don't have to give birth to a child to be their mom. And obviously "Jessica" thinks of her as such. As long as both girls understand that they can call her whatever they are comfortable with.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My opinion: I would sit her down and explain that I love her the same as my own children and she can call me anything that makes her feel most comfortable.

Exaclty what I was thinking. I would add to tell her that IF she is comfortable calling her Mom (or mommy) that makes sense since she is acting as a mom--but it also makes sense that it might feel right and wrong all at the same time for a while and that is okay too. She doesn't have to pick one name to call her--she can let it evolve naturally with no fear that her sister/mom will be bothered by anything she calls her (at least until she is 16 and really calls her names).
If your friend is worried about what the older girl will think she should pull her aside seperatly and have much the same conversation. Let her know that she (the grown sister) is not trying to replace their "real" mom--but she loves them as her "real" kids and wants each of them to be comfortable calling her whatever fits for them and wants each girl to respect what the other uses.

 

[N&B'smom]

My opinion: I would sit her down and explain that I love her the same as my own children and she can call me anything that makes her feel most comfortable.

I agree. I just wanted to say it sounds like Kelly is a GREAT big sister/mom and these girls are very blessed to have her. That post brought tears to my eyes.

 

[Teacher510]

Maybe instead of talking to her about allowing her to call her whatever feels comfortable to the sibling, your friend could write a letter. It may be less uncomfortable for both of them and the child could choose to write back, answer verbally, or simply act on your friend's "permission."

 

[gate_pourri]

One of my concerns is that since it has now been 3 days, should she bring it up now? Wait until/if it happens again? How would she bring it up? To me it seems like it is one of those things you should discuss right away...

 

[pickles521]

My opinion: I would sit her down and explain that I love her the same as my own children and she can call me anything that makes her feel most comfortable.

I second this. Let the child call her whatever works. I had a similar issue with a step child. He accidentally called me mom one time and it about killed him. We talked about it, decided he could call me whatever respectful name he wanted, and no one who didn't witness it need know about it (meaning, if he chose to call me mom, he didn't HAVE to tell his mom - though it may get back to her anyway). It ended up that he continued calling my by my first name, but in situations where it was easier than explaining that, he called me mom. For example, he wanted to go play down the street with a bunch of kids, he hollered 'let me go ask my mom" as he took off running. All the other kids did the same, and he didn't have to take the time to explain to the new kids who I was. He also has introduced me as his mom on occasion. I just go with the flow. He knows who I am and how I fit into his world and so do I. No need in making it more difficult than necessary.

I know three days is a long time, but I think she should bring it up with the child. It should be low key and almost "unimportant" in tone, but it should be discussed. The child is probably hating herself. She needs to know that beating herself up over it isn't necessary.

 

[ORMom2Four]

It's never to late to talk about it! The girl who called her "Mommy" has not forgotten about what happened, I can guarantee it. It is much better to get it out in the open. It will strenghten their relationship in the long run.

Your friend might want to get some advice from moms who have adopted older children. Children often go through feelings of guilt when they start to call their adoptive parents "Mommy" or "Daddy". They feel they are betraying their bio parents.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OMG that is so sad, that made me cry. She hit a home run and ran to tell "mom" and then realized mom is not there.

Tell your friend to talk to her sister and often. Lots of HUGS and crying.

How wonderful that sister took over.

As far as calling her sister "mom", I would just play it by ear and let it come natural. I am sure sister feels like "mom".

 

[Darcy03231]

When I got remarried my children were very young (3 & 5) and DH had custody of his two children from his first marriage who were a bit older (8 & 12). My children's father wasn't very active in their lives at the time and they looked more to DH as a father figure. They ended up calling him Daddy Dennis (his first name). It worked well for them. Maybe she can suggest some variation of that. His children call me by my first name.

 

[NHdisneylover]

One of my concerns is that since it has now been 3 days, should she bring it up now? Wait until/if it happens again? How would she bring it up? To me it seems like it is one of those things you should discuss right away...

I think she should still bring it up. It is almost certainly still bothering the girl and it is obviously still bothering her (why she wants to talk to you about it). I agree with the other poster who said bring it up casually. Almost an "OH by the way, I noticed the otehr day you called me Mom . . ." kind of thing. Don't make it seem like a huge thing, but just ignoring will make it into a huge thing for the girl so she can't do that either.

 

[JessicaR]

The little girl is 8 years. It sounds like she wants to call her Mommy and is just looking for approval. I hope they do talk about it because I'm sure that little girl is confused and wondering if that was OK. Your friend is wonderful to be raising them.

 

[dizluvah]

My much older sibling raised me after our mom passed, so my situation was similiar to the 8 year old girl in the original post.

For me, I chose never to call my sister Mom because I didn't want to disrespect the memory of our mother. I suggest that the girl may have started crying because she felt guilty about calling her sibling mom. Or perhaps was simply overwhelmed with sadness at realizing she couldn't run home and tell mom about her homerun. For me, some 25+ years later, I can still, on occassion, become overwhelmed with grief that I can't talk to mom about something. It makes perfect sense, we all want/need a mother in our lives and her sister no doubt is filling those shoes with all the love and support she has to offer.

I think your friend should gently mention being called mom but take the lead from the girl's response as to whether or not to have a larger discussion about the issue.

I will say one major difference in my situation was I was the only child in the house, there were not other "siblings" calling my sister Mom.

 

[sbell111]

I hope that we find out what happened.

 

[Darsa]

Hmm, I don't think, were I in that situation, I would have a problem with the kids calling me mommy. In fact I'm pretty sure I'd be okay with it. I'd say it's a "comfort level" thing and I totally agree with the others in sitting down with BOTH girls and having a talk about it. Open communication is KEY in relationships with kids, in my opinion.

I hope it works out! Let us know what happens

 

[Mrs.Toad]

It's never to late to talk about it! The girl who called her "Mommy" has not forgotten about what happened, I can guarantee it. It is much better to get it out in the open. It will strenghten their relationship in the long run.

Your friend might want to get some advice from moms who have adopted older children. Children often go through feelings of guilt when they start to call their adoptive parents "Mommy" or "Daddy". They feel they are betraying their bio parents.

I completely agree with this.

I would gently bring up the subject next time she has some quiet, private time with the girl. Start off with something like, "I've been thinking about that day you came home and called me mom and want you to know it's OK with me, whatever you want to call me." Then tell her how much she loves her.

I'd be careful with the wording if telling the girl she loves her as much as "her own" kids. That can have the opposite effect. Defining the other kids as "her own", no matter what else she says with it, just underscores the fact that the sibling is different. It might be better to mention the other kids by name, "I feel just the same way towards you and Amy as I do towards Susie and Joey".

Depending on why she is raising the kids, and what kind of vibes she's getting from the girl, she could encourage Jessica to share her torn feelings on the subject, "How do you think our mom would feel if she could see how close we are?" "A mom can love more than one child, right? So I think a child can love more than one mom, what do you think?"

I didn't adopt older kids, but I did adopt one dd, and everything I've read on the subject emphasizes that last point. It's important to validate her feelings, and let her know that's it's normal to feel funny calling her mom at first, but that it's OK.

Darn! I was just about to post and noticed you already saw her last night. How did it go? Did she tell you what she planned to do?

to your friend and all of her kids.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Maybe I missed it, but I don't think we can tell from the OP what happened to birth Mom. Did she pass away, did she leave, were the kids removed from her care, etc? It might make a difference, especially in light of dizluvah's post.

The story made me tear up, also. I would imagine it's extra difficult for kids in this situation seeing that Mommy/child reminders are everywhere. I'd also tell my sister that she's welcome to call me whatever she likes and feels comfortable with. It does appear that older sis has been Mom for 3 years now.

OP, bless your friend for having such a heart.