Advice? Awkward wedding party situation

[Scurvy]

A few people have mentioned this and I just wanted to point out that I did not "cut" them 2 weeks before my wedding.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and I am only now at the 2 week mark.

They did not make any financial contribution. Neither of them bought dresses, they were wearing dresses they already had. Aside from whatever food made they made/brought to the shower, that was it. My mom footed the bill for the shower.

I also did not "cut" them, per se. I apologized for upsetting them and told them that if I was causing them as much grief as I was apparently causing them, that they may step down and one of them did.

The other responded with a name calling, nasty email in which she went off on a tirade about numerous unrelated problems that she has in her life, including the fact that she "wanted to smack me" after seeing me with my mother at the bridal shower because her mom died when she was a kid and she gets jealous and was mad that I told her me and my mom butt heads sometimes because I should "just appreciate that I have a mom"... as well as telling me that I should shut up about being sick with mono because she was undergoing some sort of medical tests herself (that I knew nothing about...)... Her own husband responded to the email (he'd been cc'd) (to myself and added my fiance as well) and told her she crossed the line and to calm down.

It was at that point that I asked her to leave the wedding party and I think it was justified.

I just wanted to say that if someone told me I "may step down" from their wedding, I would take it as meaning that they no longer wanted me to be a part of the wedding. So the first girl may well feel as though you did cut her. You did cut the second girl, and even though it may have been warranted it sounds like she was also under a lot of stress and so she may also have been hurt by the whole thing.


If I were in your shoes, I would try to find a time to discretely give my attendants their gifts. I wouldn't make a big production of it in front of other people, but then I admit I don't love that idea even when there isn't this sort of conflict going on. To me, it just makes the rehearsal dinner seem a bit too much like some sort of awards ceremony. If you do choose to do it in front of everyone, then I'd follow the suggestions of the previous posters and give the girls a comparable thank you gift at the same time.

ETA - I do think that even if you choose not to give the gifts at the rehearsal dinner, it would be nice for you to give the two girls some sort of "thank you" for the shower - either cards or small gifts of some kind.

 

[DawnCt1]

A few people have mentioned this and I just wanted to point out that I did not "cut" them 2 weeks before my wedding.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and I am only now at the 2 week mark.

They did not make any financial contribution. Neither of them bought dresses, they were wearing dresses they already had. Aside from whatever food made they made/brought to the shower, that was it. My mom footed the bill for the shower.

I also did not "cut" them, per se. I apologized for upsetting them and told them that if I was causing them as much grief as I was apparently causing them, that they may step down and one of them did.

The other responded with a name calling, nasty email in which she went off on a tirade about numerous unrelated problems that she has in her life, including the fact that she "wanted to smack me" after seeing me with my mother at the bridal shower because her mom died when she was a kid and she gets jealous and was mad that I told her me and my mom butt heads sometimes because I should "just appreciate that I have a mom"... as well as telling me that I should shut up about being sick with mono because she was undergoing some sort of medical tests herself (that I knew nothing about...)... Her own husband responded to the email (he'd been cc'd) (to myself and added my fiance as well) and told her she crossed the line and to calm down.

It was at that point that I asked her to leave the wedding party and I think it was justified.

From the sounds of it you were both equally insensitive but I can certainly understand how a young woman growing up without her mom may be sensitive to certain situations. I think you could have appreciated that a bit more. That said, You have a 'them and us" attitude, which has to make more stress than this is worth. You could be really magnanimous, apologize for overreacting, which I do think you did, and invite them to rejoin the wedding party since they will not have to buy a dress to do so. It would be the wise and mature thing to do IMHO.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I agree with Dawn. Be the better person, also it will make them feel stupid when you give them a gift. You are going to have to deal with these woman on an ongoing basis, so always be nice no matter what they do and they will look like the villian.

I agree. It also will make it harder for these two to continue any 'bridzilla' comments. I would hand out gifts as planned at the rehearsal dinner to the bridal party and then suggest that you also have gifts for two people who were very kind to help with your shower and let them know you appreciated their thoughtfulness.
This also goes a long way to mend fences since their husbands are friends of your fiance. Chances are you will be seeing them again in the future.
Weddings are supposed to be happy beginnings. Sometimes it isn't as important to be right as it is to be the better person and do the right thing.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I agree. It also will make it harder for these two to continue any 'bridzilla' comments. I would hand out gifts as planned at the rehearsal dinner to the bridal party and then suggest that you also have gifts for two people who were very kind to help with your shower and let them know you appreciated their thoughtfulness.
This also goes a long way to mend fences since their husbands are friends of your fiance. Chances are you will be seeing them again in the future.
Weddings are supposed to be happy beginnings. Sometimes it isn't as important to be right as it is to be the better person and do the right thing.

 

[ckret01]

I honestly don't think with what you said describing everything that you were being a Bridezilla. Everyone vents and complains about things going on in their lives (e.g. fridge breaking, being sick, job stress, money etc) but it's different when you are complaining specifically about someone (a person) in general.
I also would not have been happy at all to accidentally get an email like you did. That would have totally turned me off to all involved.
As for the gifts, I gave out my bridemaids gifts at the rehersal dinner. I actually took the girls outside while everyone was chit chatting at the table waiting to get served dinner and handed them their gifts so they can put it in their cars (I had huge baskets made and there was no room in the restaurant for me to put them anywhere).

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I diagree. I think there is a huge difference between talking about things that are inanimate have no feelings, and talking about people who trust you and think of you has their friend.

I also think that if you don't want a person to vent to you, you shouldn't call/email them at least once a week saying "vent to me whenever you want"

But that's just my opinion.

Did they ever fix the beading on your dress? I never got refunded for the first dress. The company refused saying they do credits only and they would only send me another dress, however they needed something like 3 months to get another dress to me....so apparently they thought I'd like them to send me a wedding dress after my wedding. I'm just going to sell it at prom time. Someone will buy it.

Yes they did. Of course they tried to make a million excuses about how it takes hours upon hours for them to hand bead it etc. and they ran out of beads at ine point and had to order more yada yada. I simply told them ( no tirade)that it was unacceptable and I didn't care if it took 24 people 24 hours a day to finish my dress I needed it done before the wedding as it would be pointless to have it after. I also pointed out that I paid insane amounts of money for them to add the beading and it will be done on time. No other response would be acceptable. They did finish the dress.

If I was sent the wrong dress the bridal shop would be absorbing any extra costs and they would be overnighting me the correct dress. They can do that. I would accept nothing less. Sorry you got stuck but I would never have accepted that if it was their mistake.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

From the sounds of it you were both equally insensitive but I can certainly understand how a young woman growing up without her mom may be sensitive to certain situations. I think you could have appreciated that a bit more. That said, You have a 'them and us" attitude, which has to make more stress than this is worth. You could be really magnanimous, apologize for overreacting, which I do think you did, and invite them to rejoin the wedding party since they will not have to buy a dress to do so. It would be the wise and mature thing to do IMHO.

I hear what you're saying, but I don't want people who I can't trust and who have very different expectations from friendship than me standing up next to me on the most important day of my life.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

From the sounds of it you were both equally insensitive but I can certainly understand how a young woman growing up without her mom may be sensitive to certain situations. I think you could have appreciated that a bit more. That said, You have a 'them and us" attitude, which has to make more stress than this is worth. You could be really magnanimous, apologize for overreacting, which I do think you did, and invite them to rejoin the wedding party since they will not have to buy a dress to do so. It would be the wise and mature thing to do IMHO.

I'm also legitamatley curious as to how I was insensitive to her? I barely knew this woman, I didn't know her mom was dead or that she had any kind of medical conditions.

As I said earlier, I blame myself for inviting people into the wedding party who I barely knew. I only asked them because they sort of threw themselves into it prior to my even having a bridal party.

 

[DawnCt1]

I hear what you're saying, but I don't want people who I can't trust and who have very different expectations from friendship than me standing up next to me on the most important day of my life.

Again, you are not marrying them. You are marrying your fiance. You are offering are a lot of excuses for not doing the right thing. Why not view your wedding as an opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation. You are creating your own angst when it would be so easy to simplify this entire thing and be nice.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

If I was sent the wrong dress the bridal shop would be absorbing any extra costs and they would be overnighting me the correct dress. They can do that. I would accept nothing less. Sorry you got stuck but I would never have accepted that if it was their mistake.

Oh my... glad they finished it in time!

Well, I didn't want to accept it, and I still think that their "policy on returns" should have been waived in this case (I would have, if it was my customer) , but at the same time, I understood that it was custom made and that somewhere, someone misread my order (they had a black dress with white accents instead of white with black) and that given the time frame, there really wasn't time to custom make another one. It wasn't my mistake, per se, but I should have ordered it sooner. Yes, I was infuriated but honestly, after realizing it was going nowhere, that they were an overseas custom company and that I really had no legal recourse, I decided to just enjoy finding a new dress and try to sell the other one. I love my new dress so it's all good.

 

[DawnCt1]

I'm also legitamatley curious as to how I was insensitive to her? I barely knew this woman, I didn't know her mom was dead or that she had any kind of medical conditions.

As I said earlier, I blame myself for inviting people into the wedding party who I barely knew. I only asked them because they sort of threw themselves into it prior to my even having a bridal party.

That's right, but now you do know and it may explain a lot of her irrational behavior. It is your fault for inviting people into the wedding party that you barely knew. In the end however its your decision; They will be attending the rehearsal dinner and wedding anyway so its not as if you are eliminating them from the celebration. How hard is it to take the extra step and be gracious? I don't see a lot of maturity on anyone's part here. It might be time to grow up a bit.

 

[lil mermaid]

A few people have mentioned this and I just wanted to point out that I did not "cut" them 2 weeks before my wedding.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and I am only now at the 2 week mark.

They did not make any financial contribution. Neither of them bought dresses, they were wearing dresses they already had. Aside from whatever food made they made/brought to the shower, that was it. My mom footed the bill for the shower.

I also did not "cut" them, per se. I apologized for upsetting them and told them that if I was causing them as much grief as I was apparently causing them, that they may step down and one of them did.

The other responded with a name calling, nasty email in which she went off on a tirade about numerous unrelated problems that she has in her life, including the fact that she "wanted to smack me" after seeing me with my mother at the bridal shower because her mom died when she was a kid and she gets jealous and was mad that I told her me and my mom butt heads sometimes because I should "just appreciate that I have a mom"... as well as telling me that I should shut up about being sick with mono because she was undergoing some sort of medical tests herself (that I knew nothing about...)... Her own husband responded to the email (he'd been cc'd) (to myself and added my fiance as well) and told her she crossed the line and to calm down.

It was at that point that I asked her to leave the wedding party and I think it was justified.

I think in your first post, you said something about how you became the bride who cut people from her wedding?

See, here is where you made a mistake (and I am not saying this to slam you at all.) You asked a few women to be in your wedding, not because of the close relationship you shared, but because they were basically there helping out already. That is really strange to me.

As much as we all like to joke about what a pain in the neck it is to be a bridesmaid for someone (and it can be) it is an honor, or something that we do for people that we care about because of the close relationship. You really barely know these ladies. So now it turns out that you have some real differences, and they came to the surface.

Anyway, just give them the gift, and move on.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

This paragraph stood out to me.

Why don't you be the bigger person and give them all the same gift. They may not have been their until the end, but they were there for the beginning. Your fiance, soon to be your DH probably won't end a relationship with their husbands, and you are asking to be remembered as a "petty bridezilla". If adding two more gifts to the list will bust the budget, lower the price of the gifts. In the end, you will look like the bigger person. A couple of months down the road, give your best friends another gift, just for being "them".

I am trying to be kind here but I am not sure how to say it. Here goes...
Maybe they were just "venting" as well. While your issues seem legit, maybe they thought you were so over the top about it that they found it annoying. To some people everything is a huge deal. To others nothing really ruffles their feathers. I don't know, I think you are being a little dramatic about it to be honest. I doubt they made a specific dinner just to bash you and your fiance. They probably just talked in passing how you are making everything into a huge problem when it isn't the end of the world. Now before you think I am flaming I am not- I am clearly speculating based on what you posted. I would not have sent out "step down from my wedding!" emails. I would have approached them quietly and just let them know that my feelings were hurt. I would still try to do that. These people are not going to go away. You will see them and socialize. Don't let something like this cause headaches. Maybe they were venting the same way you were venting about other things and people. Just something to think about. Good luck.

I completely agree with Dawn. They did do more for you than your guests. I say give them the say gift as your bridal party. Be the bigger person.

As to MHM, I am that type of person. I do blow everything way out of proportion. Not to defend OP, but these girls must have known that when the signed up for active duty in the bridal party. As much as it's annoying, you know the bride will be stressed and will need to vent. It's not like OP made them buy $400 dresses and specific jewelry, cut their hair, lose weight... other than venting she seemed to be a very undemanding bride. Yes I know people get sick of hearing me when I rant and rave, but if they're going to be my friend, then that's what they signed up for.

However, I do agree that if it is okay for OP to vent, she should have recognized the same from her bridesmaids. I think it was a knee jerk reaction. However, it is what it is, so give them the same gift as the other girls and be done with it. Since no one else knows why they are no longer in the bridal party (maybe they think it was a financial issue or a health issue) I can't see how you won't look petty by not giving them a gift.

 

[design_mom]

I'm also legitamatley curious as to how I was insensitive to her? I barely knew this woman, I didn't know her mom was dead or that she had any kind of medical conditions.

Perhaps "un-empathetic" would have been a better choice of words. Perhaps you didn't hurt her intentionally, but you did hurt her -- and she has told you how yet you're still focussing *only* on how she hurt you.

I have had mono. It stinks. But there are many, many illnesses that are worse than mono and perhaps she has one, or is afraid she has one but doesn't know.

Can't you imagine that it would be difficult to hear someone complain about her mom's involvement in her wedding, if you were unable to have yours participate at all? I can. I understand you didn't know about her situation when you did it, but now that she's told you, don't you feel bad at all?

My guess is that she put on a happy face because she didn't want to tell you you hurt her feelings, and was venting to a trusted friend. Then, her husband carelessly relayed the conversation through e-mail to your husband. (It's not like she started a "GoldieSaysMeepIsTheBiggestBridezilla" web page or told your whole wedding party anything).

And as far as complaining about everything: If you really don't know them "very well at all" then I guess it does seem to me like you've been venting about a lot of personal, non-wedding related things to them (your health, the refrigerator, etc.) Even if a "stranger" offered to let me vent any time, I am not sure I'd take them literally.

I really hope you're not a Bridezilla, but a lot of your posts seem to have an "it's all about me" and how they "hurt me" and "my day" vibe. Either way, I hope it all works out.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I hear what you're saying, but I don't want people who I can't trust and who have very different expectations from friendship than me standing up next to me on the most important day of my life.

Goldie,
I completely and TOTALLY agree with this.
A wedding is about the bride and the groom and their commitment to each other. Not some kind of bleeding heart, please the world, statement.

IMHO, once words like 'Bridezilla' started being thrown around behind the OP's back... they pretty much made their own fate about being included or excluded.

However, this is why you should have given very careful thought about including girls who you are not particularly close to in your wedding party.

And, really, ALL of this should be discussed and worked out with the Fiance, since these are the significant others of HIS friends.

It sounds like the OP has more attendants than the groom, even after these woman caused their own exit.
(So, not a joint, these friends and their significant others as coordinating attendants type of arrangement.)

OP, while I agree with a LOT of what you are posting.... And, I do not believe you to be a 'bridezilla' at all. Just in all fair honesty, I think it is showing that you so seem to be somewhat of a drama queen.

Just talk to your Fiance, decide the best course of action... and just take care of it.

Like I said earlier, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and LET IT GO....

Maybe you are having a hard time doing that.

 

[wilderness01]

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you.

There is NO WAY I would ask these women to stand up for me again. You aren't close, you admitted you made a mistake asking them, so why repeat the mistake?

This wedding is about YOU and YOUR finance. It isn't about how to create world peace. Really, even if they were upset with you, to send multiple emails complaining about you and talking about you behind your back shows you zero respect. Why are you the only one expected to be gracious?

The friendships may die after this is all over between the guys. They may not, in which case you need to be polite, but you don't need them to be your best friends.

Enjoy your wedding, forget about all this and if I were you, I wouldn't waste 1 more second worrying about this.

They made you some dishes for your shower. You thanked them. You do not owe them anything more.

If you are uncomfortable about giving the other gifts, why don't you send them in advance with a wonderful note of how you wanted them to have your gift to enjoy before the wedding. Problem solved.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[luvsJack]

From the sounds of it you were both equally insensitive but I can certainly understand how a young woman growing up without her mom may be sensitive to certain situations. I think you could have appreciated that a bit more. That said, You have a 'them and us" attitude, which has to make more stress than this is worth. You could be really magnanimous, apologize for overreacting, which I do think you did, and invite them to rejoin the wedding party since they will not have to buy a dress to do so. It would be the wise and mature thing to do IMHO.

I disagree completely! I can see being sensitive to what someone else is going through, but a LOT of people have lost a parent. So that means we should never mention our parents? I have a very good friend that lost her husband, she doesn't get upset because I vent about my husband.

There is no way I would re-invite someone to be a part of my big day that talked to me that way! She doesn't owe them a thing. They were in the wrong, even the woman's husband said so.

Its time just to let it go and that is what needs to be done. At the rehearsal dinner, when she gives the gifts maybe she can say something a long the lines of "looking forward to becoming good friends" to let them know it is done and over with and there are no hard feelings. Call a truce and be done, but that doesn't mean back down.

 

[DawnCt1]

I disagree completely! I can see being sensitive to what someone else is going through, but a LOT of people have lost a parent. So that means we should never mention our parents? I have a very good friend that lost her husband, she doesn't get upset because I vent about my husband.

There is no way I would re-invite someone to be a part of my big day that talked to me that way! She doesn't owe them a thing. They were in the wrong, even the woman's husband said so.

Its time just to let it go and that is what needs to be done. At the rehearsal dinner, when she gives the gifts maybe she can say something a long the lines of "looking forward to becoming good friends" to let them know it is done and over with and there are no hard feelings. Call a truce and be done, but that doesn't mean back down.

I think that we have a whole bunch of immature people in this situation. There are no "heros" here. Who sends emails that would only stir up trouble. I just do not see the point of perpetuating rancor when those very same people will be attending the wedding anyway. It only makes things worse. She may or may not ever see them again.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Dawn, I so applaud you for your thoughts and advice about how the OP could possibly be 'the bigger person'!!! I can see that this is so well intentioned!

I am not trying to disagree with you personally.
But, I do think this is something that could use more discussion.

The OP admits that she was not really close to these girls.
I believe that the comments and behaviors the OP describes are undeniably disrespectful.
I do not see this being a BFF forever situation.
Who knows how long they will even remain in the picture.

I suppose that I have to agree with the OP that her wedding day is very special, and I don't know if I could repeat my own admitted mistake by repeating it.

While I may be gracious about the fact that they are the SO's of the grooms friends... and would do my best to make them feel welcome at the wedding. At this time, I guess I can't see making them my bridesmaids, a part of the actual wedding party, wedding memories, wedding photos, forever....

I guess I am trying to say that I find the OP's feelings on this to be understandable.

OP, talk to your fiance... (they are HIS 'friends').... decide with him how you want to handle the rehearsal and wedding... do what you have to do to handle this in the most positive and drama-free way possible.

 

[bonnaroomama]

OP, I am very sorry you are having such a stressful wedding. I will share some wisdom I have gained from 14 years of awesome marriage, amazing, soul-shaking marriage, and hope you take it to heart.

Over the years, we have been to many, many weddings. Most of those people did not last. You will if you remember a few things.

First, that a wedding is just a party, not representative of your marriage. At my wedding, we had many "issues." An uninvited guest, a heroin addict who had been repeatedly rude to me and had stolen from me numerous times, showed up. She passed out in our hotel room--how she got there we will never know--and left her "gear" down at the party. We were glad we were the ones who found it and promptly hit a dumpster...not my wedding night fantasy.

I never would have imagined this, but these days, she is many years clean and sober and a really great mom and actually a good friend to me. You can't always tell people's by their actions because we all make mistakes, often selfish ones. Admit it; you've made mistakes...granted not as bad as that chick, but ones you would take back.

Additionally, I was left alone in my room with no hairbrush...I had to do my wedding hair with a comb. I told myself it was my fault I encouraged my friends to drink and make merry and that if I felt sorry for myself or got peeved with everyone for "messing up" my wedding, I would be mad at people who came there to celebrate my new family.

If that wasn't bad enough, our photographer went to the wrong place...my hubs drew up a bunk map. Oops! No wedding photos.

I sent my brother, my man-of-honor, downstairs before the ceremony began, accidentally beginning the ceremony twice. He was super embarrassed.

Everyone got too trashed, even my groom (our bachelor parties were pretty wild, too--it's good I am laid back!). When I look back on our wedding, I only think about the amazingness of marrying my number one booty call.

My point is that absolutely things will go wrong, and people will be jerks. Don't be surprised; plan on it and have a laugh at how dumb people are, then move past it and have fun.

Several years ago I was in a wedding party where the bride tripped out because the groom (who was visually impaired) was taken to a strip club. Strippers aren't allowed to touch their guests, and the groom had no say in this, but the bride almost called off the wedding. It was a great indicator of things to come in their marriage. Drama and fighting, all the way. Divorce talk comes around more often than Christmas.

I don't know how many weddings I have been to like this, but we've outlasted a lot of other couples. I really have come to believe that how a couple copes with wedding anxiety directly correlates to how they will cope with their life together.

Don't be those people. I guarantee you that if you react to problems with your husband's friends or his friends' wives, he will grow to resent you. The first thing these men do when they split with their wives is go back to hanging with their old friends.

I am being so blunt because it's so important. You seem like a great girl who just really loves her future hubs and wants it all to go smoothly, and you want to keep drama at a minimum. Yes, you made a mistake inviting those girls to be in the wedding party, but just as marriage is unconditional, so should be your relationships, even the ones that aren't friendships but just relationships of requirement. When you marry him, you are taking the whole package...that includes his friends and his friends' girls. If you don't learn to smile and be cordial (you don't have to like them and you don't have to be fake, just minimalistic), there will be angst in your relationship, even if you can't sense it. If you start trashing his friends to him, or worse yet, giving him ultimatums about them, I promise it will damage your relationship. No question.

Look at it this way: these girls don't know you. They don't know how fly you are. All they see is the super-stressed girl who let it get her down. And yeah, you can be hit with mono, dress problems, etc., and still roll with the punches, but I don't blame you for not. We are all human.

Finally, it is stressful to be in a wedding party, even if your responsibilities are a minimum. These ladies were absorbing your energy in the process of trying to forge a new relationship with you, and that energy became negative. Not your fault, but you can't blame them for reacting. If you want to control everything your acquaintances say, it's never going to happen and you will start to get paranoid. We all blow off steam. It's the guy's fault for being a dumbie and emailing it to the wrong person. You really can't even blame him for getting upset. My hubs was just in a wedding party this week that cost us 200 dollars for the ugly tux, another 100 for the bachelor party, and incidentals, and the bride publicly went off on facebook about how everything was going wrong. It felt ungrateful, and though we love her and the groom, we def. vented about it.

Show your character as an awesome woman; show your husband you are a wife to be proud of and handle it with grace and charisma. Turn the other cheek. Accept his friends...the whole package. You will add years of trust to your marriage. Tell these people you understand they didn't mean to hurt you and although they won't be in the wedding party, you do want to get to know them...a fresh start.

You don't have to like them to accept them. I wish more people understood that...marriage is about compromise, and not just about Chinese food or tacos.

Do this, and you can give those gifts to your homies with your head held high, knowing you have done your part to make things right with these friends of your hub. If they continue to trash talk, see them only at parties. Don't go out of your way, still smile and be polite, but eventually you will all probably get past it. And know if you have tried your best, it's not you, it's them.

Good luck, and I hope you have a wonderful wedding.