Adult sibling still being spoiled by parents

[BadgerGirl84]

I feel bad having to admit it but my cousin and I are the spoiled ones in my actual family haha. We kind of earned the spot though. My grandma stopped treating my brothers to dinners, cooking their favorite meals, or helping with vacation costs. However for my cousin and I (the only girls of 6 grandkids) we get what we ask for if grandma is able. I think it comes from the fact that I took a semester off from college and lived with my grandma and grandpa during my grandpa's battle with cancer and after their car crash and my cousin goes every other day to sit with my grandma. The 4 boys can't be bothered to even visit when grandma is in the hospital and barely made it to see my grandpa before he passed. I mean I live in NY and the family is in Texas and I see her more than my brothers ever do and they are only 45 minutes away.

We both tell our grandma there is no need to do the things she does or to make the extra effort but she does it because she says she loves us and only has so much time left so why not.

What sorts of things do you ask your grandma for?

 

[wilkeliza]

What sorts of things do you ask your grandma for?

Not much haha. I usually just ask if she'll make her amazing sea food gumbo when I am home for the holidays. Same goes for my cousin. If she asks my grandma to make a certain food she gets it. If our brothers ask they get told they'll get what she serves. Sometimes it is what they asked for and other times it isn't.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Not much haha. I usually just ask if she'll make her amazing sea food gumbo when I am home for the holidays. Same goes for my cousin. If she asks my grandma to make a certain food she gets it. If our brothers ask they get told they'll get what she serves. Sometimes it is what they asked for and other times it isn't.

Yum--I would ask for that, too.

 

[ReneeA]

My Grandma makes no qualms about me being her favorite grandchild. I don't get money, gifts, or other stuff, but I do get lots of time and attention. In the only grandchild of 9 she calls regularly, she sends me cards for everything, responds to all of my posts on Facebook and raves about me to everyone. It's embarrassing, but she's old and not worth getting into with her.

I think it's because my parents were very young (16 & 18) when I was born and my grandma was only 35. She cared for me when I was a baby so my mom could finish high school and has always treated me like her own. When my grandpa was killed unexpectedly, she asked my parents if I could stay with her for awhile. I was 11 at the time, and stayed with her for over a year. Even after going back home, I spent every weekend with her until I went away to college. I'm attached to her, too.

For the record, I don't think anyone is too upset by it...they're always teasing me and telling me that they don't want Gram all up in their business like she is mine.

 

[bookgirl]

I'm pretty sure my brother considers me the golden child, but in truth I pay my own way and I pay/do a lot for my parents.

He got most of the attention while we were growing up, he was high maintenance, sports star, oldest, I was more laid back so wouldn't fuss when I had to 'give in' to his demands, I was also the one who's interests were different from everyone else in the family so they understood his sports, but were a bit mystified by my leanings towards literature and drama. He had most of the money spent on him as far as extra curriculars (they understood paying for sports camp but were not convinced that art camp was worth the money because that's just drawing and writing and you can do that for free). However my mom was ruthlessly fair about the number of presents we got on holidays and we always had the same amount. He was by no means neglected or was I treated better. My mom admits now that I got short changed, a lot. But I'm not bitter, LOL.

They treat me better now, because I'm the better child. They don't spoil me or do for me, but I get along with them and they also value my opinion more, which does drive him nuts.

But they still worry more about his feelings.

 

[superme80]

It is me. I am the golden child. Just ask EVERYONE. I was "treated" better than my sister, because I didn't get in trouble like she did. I learned from her mistakes. Grandma spent more time and money on me. I was the only one in the area and I actually CALLED her to see how she was doing. But it is ok. I live a little over an hour from my parents and my sister moved back to our hometown. Her son gets most of the attention now.

 

[Princess Mulan]

My husband's family is kind of like that in regards to one brother and overstating accomplishments. Now my husband has multiple degrees, is published in scholarly articles, has sat in International Boards, and frequently presents on topics at high level Conferences. The brother works as a night security guard, not that there's anything wrong with that but he pretty much barely graduated from High School, spent over 10 years in and out of Community College accomplishing nothing and then floated from entry level job to entry level job.

The family legend is that he scored some really high score on some aptitude test when he was "In the Navy" and then the CIA tried to recruit him and the all the top Medical schools were calling and offering him full ride scholarships. Um, I was around during that time. He signed up for the Navy and made it through about 3 weeks of the training and then came back home to live with his Mom again. The was the extent of his "In the Navy." For years he called himself a Nurse but the fact of the matter is he never was even a CNA because he never even completed that certification, but he talked for years about that Nurses training he had "In the Navy." He did work for awhile in a Nursing home passing food trays and things. How they turned all that into a CIA spy (or maybe he was just so good at it none of us could notice?) and nearly a Doctor … well you got me.

Meanwhile, crickets chirping in the silence in regards to reactions on anything my husband accomplished. It's weird.

This one made me chuckle because I've witnessed or heard about the same thing in many families. Two of my favorites: the son who took one graduate course but the parents tell everyone he has a master's degree; and the drug addict/informer who the parents proudly describe as an undercover police officer.

I wish I had a nickel for every story I've heard about a child who's "so brilliant" that they can't deal with college classes, a job or a personal relationship. And it's amazing the number of PT assistants, dental assistants and health care aides who become doctors in their parents' eyes. Meanwhile, as your experience shows, the siblings who have verifiable degrees and accomplishments often are ignored.

(Edited to add: I'm not denigrating aides and assistants. Just pointing out that some parents inflate children's resumes.)

 

[ronandannette]

So..... are there no "golden children" here on the DIS?

Or have they just chosen not to post in this thread?

Hmmmmmm.........

Thanks for the morning chuckle...I have 2 surviving siblings (there were originally 4 of us) and although we were raised in the same household we're all sort of "only children" due to our ages and circumstances. We ALL think one of the others was Mom's favourite; I think it was my brother, he thinks it was our sister and she thinks it was me! Truth is, our late brother was probably everybody's favourite because his special needs demanded that the entire family revolve around him.

 

[Lori74]

DH and I are the only successful ones of our siblings. We both seemed to have hit the lottery with siblings that are grown men children living with Mom and Dad. DH and I worked HARD and continue to do so to get where we are, and they just skate along and drain our parents resources. It's frustrating but I gave up ever saying anything about it years ago. Our parents all seem to look at it as though these brothers are lonely and broke and need them, where DH and I don't "need" them.

it is frustrating, but like you i've given up saying anything, it just causes stress but no results. the real tragedy in our situation is our kids are kinda left out of getting invited to things and given little things since we do well for ourselves. our parents do a lot more for the grandkids that they feel sorry for. luckily our kids are gracious and understand, but they are missing out on memories and getting doted on, because they are provided for better than their cousins.

 

[mom2rtk]

Thanks for the morning chuckle...I have 2 surviving siblings (there were originally 4 of us) and although we were raised in the same household we're all sort of "only children" due to our ages and circumstances. We ALL think one of the others was Mom's favourite; I think it was my brother, he thinks it was our sister and she thinks it was me! Truth is, our late brother was probably everybody's favourite because his special needs demanded that the entire family revolve around him.

for your family's losses. I can sure see how that would complicate things and at the same time put it all right back in perspective.

My post was really just tongue in cheek (like most of my posts!). You don't see me claiming to be a golden child either.

 

[jrmasm]

If you ask my brothers, they'd all say I'm the golden child and that my parents spoil my family. Those same brothers ignore the fact that I am the only child that maintains regular contact with my parents and vists weekly.

Hate when the truth gets in the way of a really good story.

 

[NewRVLady]

My one brother THINKS the other 3 of us are THE GOLDEN KIDS
He and his wife now say they aren't sharing anything about their kids-because ours are SO MUCH more successful than theirs

Now my other brother probably WAS Mom's "Golden Child' because he was a priest...now married
we are all in our 50's 60's
We are more successful than him-in his eyes...or his crazy wife's eyes
we 3 have kids with college degrees-most of our kids have great jobs
Their kids struggle and have made unfortunate choices

 

[richkaryn]

My SIL is 8 years older than my husband, though to know both of them you'd never know it. I sometimes feel certain the is adopted, they are so different. She is a habitual "bad decision maker", doesn't accept responsibilities, and is a compulsive liar. My inlaws have "helped" (enabled) her her entire life. She got married both times because she "Had to" (in my inlaws eyes anyway) and neither marriage lasted more than a year. She signed over custody of her 1st born to her (soon after ex) inlaws. My inlaws insist she was "tricked into it", but then she left her infant son 3 years later for them to raise. She just didn't want the responsibility of raising kids. Yet they never took custody because they felt sorry for her. They have spent no telling how much on her over the years, paying to help buy and furnish houses, help pay bills, not to mention pay all expenses for her son for his 21 years of life (and he's in college and still living with them and they still pay). We hardly get anything from them (nor does our son) and when she took the other two (college and HS at the time) grandkids back to school shopping (at Hollister, American Eagle, etc) and didn't offer to take ours and then gave him $20 to "buy some jeans" when he called her out on it, she said "well, I know you guys have the means to take care of his expenses". Yeah, but he's still your grandchild. We are always overlooked because "we have the means" to take care of ourselves. SIL works, sold her house years ago, lives with her long term boyfriend who lives in a paid for house that he inherited, and they have 5 vehicles and a Harley motorcycle between them. The only difference is DH has a college degree and is an engineer, where she never went to college and has always worked blue collar jobs. So that is how we "have the means" and she doesn't. She also goes to their house for supper every night and takes home a plate of food for boyfriend as well. It's ridiculous, but it's the way I've known it to be the whole 18 years DH and I have been together.
DH and I are the ones who purposely go over there after we have already eaten supper as we don't want MIL to feel like she has to feed us. DH is the one volunteering to help FIL with things around their house, he helps MIL understand her IRA and other accounts, and when MIL has had dr. appts/procedures/treatments (cancer patient) I am the one making sure I am over there cooking supper for them (and SIL lol) when she gets home so she doesn't feel obligated to cook for SIL and over exert herself. Not to mention we moved nephew in with us when MIL was hospitalized for 2 months when my son was less than a year old.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Zombie thread...

 

[BLAZEY]

Financial help no, but my sister treats our mother as her personal live in maid/ nanny for her kids. Mum and sister live a 3 minute drive from our house. DD and stop by on our way to school and work as DD8 lives to visit for a bit before heading to school. Fine, we are up and ready and able to do so without being late. My sister kids are in all day preschool /daycare, as was DD at that age. The thing that gets me, is my line of think was if I have to be at work by 9am I need to drop DD at daycare by 8:15 to get her settled and give me time to get to the office. My sister thinks I have to be to work by 9, but the kids aren't ready and I won't have time to drop them off, MUM!!! Can you take the kids to preschool? Then proceeds to get herself read an leaves, but the kids have this attitude that they don't have to get ready for grannie as it doesn't matter when they arrive a preschool. She expects mum to drop everything and pick up where she left off. My mum has said that they are the lasts ones to arrive, and usually interrupt the class as they get settled in.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

It used to bother me. But then I realized that my happiness didn't depend on how my parents treated my sister. I basically aged out of caring.

Now, if I was treating my parents to a meal, I would put my foot down at treating others. But I would just say something about it.

 

[klmall]

One of our dearest friends was the victim of this prejudicial treatment. He has a sister 9 years younger. As college approached his parents insisted he attend a work-study college that would cover much of his tuition and board even though he really didn't want to go there. He was in school year-round and unhappy much of the time. And they had the money to pay for almost any college!

He didn't say a word though when his parents paid for his sister's expensive private college education through her master's degree and continued to support her while she completed her PhD in a distant state for a total of 11 years of pricey schooling. She worked briefly in her field (psychology) and once she met her husband, has never worked in that field since. When her husband's business failed she went to work at IKEA and now complains about how much she is on her feet! Their parents are dead now but we spent several years listening to the constant praising of the daughter while never mentioning the success of the son who worked his way up in a competitive business.

Thank goodness my parents worked hard to make sure their five children all felt valued and loved!

 

[StuckInKS]

My sister is almost 30, has two kids and her only financial responsibilities are her cell phone bill, gas for her car, cigarettes snd "going out" money (which is does quite often). She basically has the financial responsibilities of a teenager. Why? Because my mom pays for EVERYTHING else. Rent, bills, food, kids clothes/shoes/Christmas presents, car insurance/tags (and my mom bought the car). And, no, she does not live with my mom, so it's on top of her own bills as well. She's the "baby" always has been spoiled and always will be.

 

[AdamEfimoff]

Why do you even care?