Adult children moving back home with their child

[DCLMP]

I think it only becomes a problem when someone is being taken advantage of (like if the adult child is completely financially dependent on the parents with no intention of working or contributing in any way). That's the stereotype a lot of people think of when they hear of adult children living with their parents, but I don't think that's what the situation is in reality in most cases.

I think we're entering a 5 year period or possibly longer where it's going to be very difficult for young people to find affordable housing. When I was a young adult in the '90s. It was easy to work, go to school, live with a couple of roommates, and scrape by. I shouldn't say it was easy, but it was doable and it was fun to be young and independent. I'm not sure it's even doable anymore. I have a 19-year-old, who desperately wants to move out. He works part-time and goes to school, but rent in our state is through the roof.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think we're entering a 5 year period or possibly longer where it's going to be very difficult for young people to find affordable housing. When I was a young adult in the '90s. It was easy to work, go to school, live with a couple of roommates, and scrape by. I shouldn't say it was easy, but it was doable and it was fun to be young and independent. I'm not sure it's even doable anymore. I have a 19-year-old, who desperately wants to move out. He works part-time and goes to school, but rent in our state is through the roof.

We recently did a comparison to the apartments we lived in before we got our rental house and then had our house built.

The apartment I lived in the rent only went up about $100 since 2012 (the last time I had signed a lease at that place). Meanwhile the place where my husband stayed at had been bought by another company, names changed a few years after he moved out (the last time he had signed a lease was also in 2012). The rent at that place had increased more than double (or about $800 MORE) than what he was paying. The apartments were the exact same, same layout, same everything as they were built by the same builder with the exception that where mine was it had crown molding but my husband's place had nicer cabinetry. Mine was in a much more affluent area though.

Rent has def. increased but we just found it so interesting that the place he stayed at skyrocketed in cost. And he was already paying more than I was back then. While the place I had stayed at in 10 years had stayed relatively steady all things considered.

I did want to mention though when I was renting back in college and after I had graduated into my 20s I couldn't have afforded to rent (and rent was a lot less overall back then) if I only worked part time. You didn't say how many hours though so I have no idea if that was closer to full time or more like half of what full time is. But I don't think the measure of affordability can ever be measured off of part time work and goes for long after you're talking about young adults.

 

[kymom99]

I think we're entering a 5 year period or possibly longer where it's going to be very difficult for young people to find affordable housing. When I was a young adult in the '90s. It was easy to work, go to school, live with a couple of roommates, and scrape by. I shouldn't say it was easy, but it was doable and it was fun to be young and independent. I'm not sure it's even doable anymore. I have a 19-year-old, who desperately wants to move out. He works part-time and goes to school, but rent in our state is through the roof.

I think you are right. Very difficult for young people getting started. My son who will be 23 is living with us. I’m ok with it. I don’t think he really wants to move out because he knows how hood he has it here. It will happen eventually.

 

[Moliphino]

I think we're entering a 5 year period or possibly longer where it's going to be very difficult for young people to find affordable housing. When I was a young adult in the '90s. It was easy to work, go to school, live with a couple of roommates, and scrape by. I shouldn't say it was easy, but it was doable and it was fun to be young and independent. I'm not sure it's even doable anymore. I have a 19-year-old, who desperately wants to move out. He works part-time and goes to school, but rent in our state is through the roof.

I graduated college in 2009 in the midst of that recession, so I get it. I lived with my parents for a long time.

 

[Mrs.AMC]

DD moved in with us just days before DGD started Kindergarten.
It wasn't ideal but her relationship collapsed and she had to go somewhere.
Sadly, frustratingly for me I have to admit, she was not in a position to support herself and her child. I wish she had been. I was a struggling single mom till I met my now DH and I always hoped DD would not be one too but alas, best laid plans and all that
Others will disagree but I did not want them living in less than ideal circumstances or on assistance and we had a house that was set up for 2 families, sort of. We'd picked it when we thought my MIL was going to come live with us. She passed the day we closed on the house. But it has 2 master bedrooms.
So the living arrangement worked well and DGD got to attend some of the best public elementary schools in the state.
DD did find work but it wasn't anything that would pay to support them fully. Not with the cost of housing in our town. There aren't any apartments in our town so living with us was really the only way to keep DGD in the schools. And that was very important. They stayed with us until DGD was starting 7th grade. We did eventually learn of a tri-plex coming available that had affordable enough rent that they could move in to. DGD starts 9th grade this year. They've been in the tri-plex since.
DD never expected DH or I to do anything but we did help out when we could
We both work and we go out of town a lot for various events and we never changed our plans to take care of DGD. But DD's job was at night and on weekends so it was beneficial to have us around to help out with her. She was able to do girl scouts, girl's choir, dance, etc and would have not done those things had we not been there to drive, etc. We were very happy to do it. We never did things like help with homework, deal with teacher things, discipline, etc. None of the parent things.
Even now, with them in a house 5 min away we help out with transport and stuff. DD has a better job but it's not nearly as flexible and either DH or I's. DH works at home since Covid (seems perm at this point) and can help run DGD to band camp/practice/dr appt whathaveyou without having to request off weeks in advance
So we all coordinate with running DGD around as needed but it's all done willingly. And never assumed.
Though that's limited. She's turning 15 in March. So she'll be driving soon. Which means someone has to teach her to drive up and down the mountain, which NO ONE looks forward to. We didn't live on the mountain when DD learned, we moved up the year she left for college. Not looking forward to that.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

I genuinely can't believe what I'm reading here. I know most of you commenting are the parents in these situations, not the kids, but my lord...

 

[sheilafri]

I genuinely can't believe what I'm reading here. I know most of you commenting are the parents in these situations, not the kids, but my lord...

Can you elaborate? I’m not sure what your point is.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Can you elaborate? I’m not sure what your point is.

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

 

[Mrs.AMC]

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

Just men can't move back? Do you actually mean that? Or is it a figure of speech?

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Just men can't move back? Do you actually mean that? Or is it a figure of speech?

Figure of speech.

 

[DCLMP]

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

You man change your tune when you actually have adult kids and they hit a rough patch in life...or are you just going to tell them to live under a bridge? I'm not sure why it's unhealthy. In many cultures, families live together. They even take care of their elderly parents and grandparents.

 

[Moliphino]

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

It can be mutually beneficial.

 

[Mrs.AMC]

Figure of speech.

That's the only redeeming part of the statement.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

I think unhealthy is perhaps the incorrect adjective to assign it because the base act of it is not detrimental at all.

I moved back into my mom's house for 9 months once my lease was up in my college town (I had graduated a few months prior) and the interim of getting a job that paid what I needed it to pay (because my University job wasn't) and then once I got that saving up a bit. However, I couldn't wait to get the heck out of there. I needed my space again, I needed to be out on my own again. I needed my independence and ability to live my life.

I think where there can be a conflict is when one side (either the adult child OR the parent because let's be real it happens with parents too) in perhaps a famous phrase "failure to launch". Nothing is wrong with moving back home either for the parent or for the adult child. But if the end goal is for the adult child to get back out actions have to follow that (on both sides) to get there. What started this thread is that the OP had feelings of this not happening from feeling like she was the primary caregiver for her grandchild and feeling like her adult child was lazy. The act of moving back in wasn't the issue, it was what happened afterwards that was.

 

[sheilafri]

Now I’m curious as to your age and whether you have children. I think we are actually pretty much on the same page. I don’t want my adult children living with me just because I don’t want to let them go. I possibly have a more expansive view of exceptions, though. My first DS graduated college in ‘09. There weren’t many jobs to be had. He lived with and worked for us for about 6 months until he built up savings then moved to a new city to be closer to his GF. He worked as a barista for over a year to pay bills until he got a decent job. They are now married and their first home cost more than any of our homes cost.
Second DS was a similar story, although he was home longer as he commuted to his first outside job and moved when he got his second job.
As a parent, I was fortunate to be able to continue to house and employ my sons until they found their footing with no adverse financial repercussions to DH and myself. Not everyone will have that ability. I don’t think it reflects on my sons’ ability, masculinity or competence, but it does reflect on the opportunities available to young people in our society.

BTW, The Godfather clip you included was a movie about a family that demanded complete submission of grown children to the demands of “The Godfather”. I don’t think that’s the point you really want to make.

 

[BamaGuy44]

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

Blanket statements like that are rarely true and certainly not in this case, even with the exceptions you allowed for, IMO. As others said multi-generational households are pretty much the norm in many cultures. Can it be a disaster? Of course. It depends on family dynamics, family finances, housing situation, and a hundred other variables that are different for every family.

 

[piccolopat]

Our DD, DSIL and DGS will be moving in with us later on this year or early next year. We have a MIL apartment downstairs that has been vacant (well, by people - not stuff) since she passed. Generational co-habitation can be challenging and I agree that expectations need to be discussed and agreed to in advance.

I would like to comment on a point some have made. When parents allow their kids to move back home in order to save money for their future, there is nothing wrong with the parent actually expecting to see that goal coming to fruition. It's not right to let them move in to save money and then they start spending on wants - a new car, vacations, spending a lot on things like dining out and concerts, etc.. Having other people living with you, even your own kids once they are grown, changes how you live your own life. While the arrangement can be very beneficial for some, it can be very disruptive and burdensome for others. Setting expectations that include accountability is an absolute must. Having an end date to the arrangement should also be discussed.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

A grown man moving in with his parents is unhealthy for both the grown man and his parents.

I set aside special circumstances (unable to work due to disability, plugging a gap around a move, a divorce, a relocation, etc).

I understand your point, but it’s all relative today.

It’s also unhealthy to be unable to afford to live comfortably, to have a car that’s “found on road dead” and in the shop monthly, to not have some breathing room with bills, to have a credit score in the toilet, to not have some savings in the bank, and to not be able to buy healthy food at the supermarket, etc.

I moved out of my house at 18 and DH 23, and we made it work. That was in the early 80s. Times were different then. Regardless, it would’ve been beneficial long-term for us to save more by living at home first, but that wasn’t possible for me, so we got our own place. I wish things could’ve been different for us, but they weren’t. So BTDT.

Where we live, apartments are now crazy expensive, like $2000-3000/month.
And the average home price where we live is $800,000+
We’re not interested in moving somewhere else, so we have to make it work.

We want our kids to be able to BUY something of their own, not pad someone else’s pockets and never be able to save enough to get their own places, as prices are rising.

My DD is a college grad, works FT, is almost halfway through her master’s, has a good chunk of change put aside for a down payment for her own place, and has been stocking up on things for her own home, as well.

DS is also a college grad, working FT, had to take an additional course this year for his job of choice, and is waiting to take the licensing exam for that. Once done, he’ll be in the job he wants soon afterward. He’ll also be saving for something to buy.

We feel it would be dumb for them to be paying rent, at those costs, when they can live comfortably with us where we live. They each pay room and board, as well as their bills, drive decent cars, and help out around the house. Both also helped care for my elderly mother for many years, through her passing, when she lived with us, too. I can never repay them for that, but, to us, this is what families do. I don’t think they’re missing out on much, they have all the comforts of home and their boyfriend/girlfriend are welcome to stay over. We’re all adults. We are used to having an inter-generational home and it works for us. I do think that more people will be doing that as costs continue to skyrocket everywhere.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

You man change your tune when you actually have adult kids and they hit a rough patch in life...or are you just going to tell them to live under a bridge? I'm not sure why it's unhealthy.

Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.

In many cultures, families live together. They even take care of their elderly parents and grandparents.

We're not talking here about adult children taking care of their elderly parents. We're talking about adult children being taken care of by their elderly parents. Grandma and Grandpa moving in with their daughter and her husband to help with the kids and receive elder care themselves? Awesome. Junior moving into his high school bedroom while he wastes his life with video games, social media, and pornography? Not awesome.

My first DS graduated college in ‘09. There weren’t many jobs to be had. He lived with and worked for us for about 6 months until he built up savings then moved to a new city to be closer to his GF. He worked as a barista for over a year to pay bills until he got a decent job. They are now married and their first home cost more than any of our homes cost.
Second DS was a similar story, although he was home longer as he commuted to his first outside job and moved when he got his second job.
As a parent, I was fortunate to be able to continue to house and employ my sons until they found their footing with no adverse financial repercussions to DH and myself. Not everyone will have that ability. I don’t think it reflects on my sons’ ability, masculinity or competence, but it does reflect on the opportunities available to young people in our society.

I'm two years younger than your oldest son.

I bought my first house in 2012 at 23. I bought my second house in 2014 at 25. I bought my third house in 2017 at 27. I bought my current house in 2020 at 30. My parents gave me $0 for any of this, and I paid off $30,000 of student loans and a $25,000 car loan in the meantime. I was married in 2011 and had kids in 2014, 2017, and 2020. The dirty little secret? None of this was particularly difficult.

"Young people" aren't nearly as hopeless as you suggest, and it's infantilizing to treat them as such.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

That was in the early 80s. Times were different then.

My wife and I did it in the 2010s. Times are only different if you let them be.