Adult child relationship issues

[Imdonenow]

My adult child has been in a drama filled relationship for the past 8 or 9 months. A week ago, my adult child ended the relationship. It has been a relationship that has not been good for anyone involved. Lots of emotional issues on both ends and threats of self harm. The self harm is being dealt with for my child. I say child but early 20's. When the breakup happened, there was a physical altercation and the other person threatened harm to themself if the relationship ended. There has been no contact between them since. Today my child states they think theyve made a mistake ending the relationship. WTH!!! My child is in school and does not support themselves financially. Fully anyway. Drives our car, covered on our health insurance etc... they do have a part time job. I don't know what to do. Do I threaten them that if the relationship continues, they must hand over car, cell, and move out? Let them figure it out?? Our family does not have drama like this and it's exhausting. I'm just so done!!!

 

[CarolAnn856]

Interesting first post.

 

[Meglen]

Hes 20.. he has to learn life lessons. hopefully no one will hurt themselves. You cant tell him to make it end or keep it ended.. its not your place and he will resent you for it. He has to choose.

 

[kimblebee]

My adult child has been in a drama filled relationship for the past 8 or 9 months. A week ago, my adult child ended the relationship. It has been a relationship that has not been good for anyone involved. Lots of emotional issues on both ends and threats of self harm. The self harm is being dealt with for my child. I say child but early 20's. When the breakup happened, there was a physical altercation and the other person threatened harm to themself if the relationship ended. There has been no contact between them since. Today my child states they think theyve made a mistake ending the relationship. WTH!!! My child is in school and does not support themselves financially. Fully anyway. Drives our car, covered on our health insurance etc... they do have a part time job. I don't know what to do. Do I threaten them that if the relationship continues, they must hand over car, cell, and move out? Let them figure it out?? Our family does not have drama like this and it's exhausting. I'm just so done!!!

If this is real..

It’s hard to keep out of our kids business, especially when you see the train wreck ahead and they can’t.

At some point you just have to let them make mistakes.

 

[Imdonenow]

I've been on here for years but created a new logon because this has been such a bad situation, I didn't want to use my longtime id. Believe me, I wish this wasn't real. It has been a nightmare. We have been staying out of it but with the recent developments, I'm questioning myself.

 

[jdb in AZ]

The "adult" child will resent anything he sees as interference from mom and/or dad, and will do anything possible to thwart the interference. Without getting into the painful(!) details, we tried everything we could to end our son's toxic relationship, but he ended up getting married then divorced. The next two relationships have been progressively worse, to the point we wish he had stayed married to #1. He's nearly 40 now, and both his kids are more mature than he is (thanks to their mom) and they want nothing to do with him.

I hope you have better luck.

 

[Imdonenow]

The "adult" child will resent anything he sees as interference from mom and/or dad, and will do anything possible to thwart the interference. Without getting into the painful(!) details, we tried everything we could to end our son's toxic relationship, but he ended up getting married then divorced. The next two relationships have been progressively worse, to the point we wish he had stayed married to #1. He's nearly 40 now, and both his kids are more mature than he is (thanks to their mom) and they want nothing to do with him.

I hope you have better luck.

I'm so sorry to read that. At this point, there are no children involved. Thank goodness. Our stance has been "hands off" and we've given opinions when asked. I sure miss when throwing a tantrum about a toy was our biggest problem.

 

[Shanti]

My adult child has been in a drama filled relationship for the past 8 or 9 months. A week ago, my adult child ended the relationship. It has been a relationship that has not been good for anyone involved. Lots of emotional issues on both ends and threats of self harm. The self harm is being dealt with for my child. I say child but early 20's. When the breakup happened, there was a physical altercation and the other person threatened harm to themself if the relationship ended. There has been no contact between them since. Today my child states they think theyve made a mistake ending the relationship. WTH!!! My child is in school and does not support themselves financially. Fully anyway. Drives our car, covered on our health insurance etc... they do have a part time job. I don't know what to do. Do I threaten them that if the relationship continues, they must hand over car, cell, and move out? Let them figure it out?? Our family does not have drama like this and it's exhausting. I'm just so done!!!

Gently but firmly insist on counseling for your child. That will help more than an ultimatum about quitting the relationship, which your child isn't ready to independently do at this time. Counseling will at least provide another neutral perspective and some relationship tools.

 

[tzolkin]

Your child may feel that s/he made a mistake simply because s/he is lonely or it may be that s/he believes this is how a relationship/love is supposed to be. Unfortunately, I have found that it's all too common for some people to associate jealousy and emotional drama with "love". If that's part of the issue, I would have some open and honest conversations with my child about healthy relationships. Fortunately, with my two older girls this has never been an issue. They have absolutely no tolerance for controlling or manipulating behavior. They discuss things like that with me often, so I don't really have any concerns about them setting healthy boundaries in their relationships. DH and I will have to be a little more instructive with my younger son though. He is more sensitive and potentially more likely to be swayed by the kind of behavior (emotional manipulation) you're talking about.

I would not go the threat/ultimatum route. That's a recipe for destroying your relationship with your child and driving him/her even closer to this other person. My parents forbid me to see my boyfriend when I was in high school. That resulted in the exact opposite-- incessant lying/sneaking so we could spend all our time together every day, skipping lots of school, and getting pregnant.

 

[piccolopat]

Giving your child an ultimatum is likely to have the exact opposite effect than what you want to happen. Instead, ask your child to list all of the good and all of the bad of the relationship. As him/her whether the pros honestly outweigh the cons. Maybe suggest they take a few weeks to really think things through and give themselves time to reflect on what went wrong. Above all, be supportive and a good listener. Yes, this is very frustrating and difficult to watch as a parent but that's what I think you should do at this time.

 

[Floridaman999]

I think an ultimatum will backfire.

 

[Imdonenow]

Gently but firmly insist on counseling for your child. That will help more than an ultimatum about quitting the relationship, which your child isn't ready to independently do at this time. Counseling will at least provide another neutral perspective and some relationship tools.

That's good advice and we do currently have several appointments for counseling, psychiatrist, etc... I agree a neutral third party will be helpful.

 

[Imdonenow]

Your child may feel that s/he made a mistake simply because s/he is lonely or it may be that s/he believes this is how a relationship/love is supposed to be. Unfortunately, I have found that it's all too common for some people to associate jealousy and emotional drama with "love". If that's part of the issue, I would have some open and honest conversations with my child about healthy relationships. Fortunately, with my two older girls this has never been an issue. They have absolutely no tolerance for controlling or manipulating behavior. They discuss things like that with me often, so I don't really have any concerns about them setting healthy boundaries in their relationships. DH and I will have to be a little more instructive with my younger son though. He is more sensitive and potentially more likely to be swayed by the kind of behavior (emotional manipulation) you're talking about.

I would not go the threat/ultimatum route. That's a recipe for destroying your relationship with your child and driving him/her even closer to this other person. My parents forbid me to see my boyfriend when I was in high school. That resulted in the exact opposite-- incessant lying/sneaking so we could spend all our time together every day, skipping lots of school, and getting pregnant.

Bingo, you have, I think hit the nail on the head. Of all our kids, this one is the most sensitive. I've thought for a while that my child feels like they're trying to "save" the other person. I can see emotional manipulation on both sides of the relationship. Multiple times they've told the other, they NEED the other person. Which I feel like they need to be okay on their own before being with another person.

 

[Imdonenow]

I am so thankful for everyone's replies. It has reaffirmed our choice to listen and offer suggestions if asked. I also like the idea of listing pros and cons. I'm going to bring that up also. Although I am in agreement that we don't need an ultimatum, I think I'll have my child write out a budget and include expenses we currently pay. I have no problem supporting my child while getting an education but we will not support the person said child is trying to rescue. Nor would I support them living together in our home. We have other kids to think about. I don't think that's unreasonable.

 

[Sabeking]

As a previous poster has mentioned I think suggesting conseling would do a world of good, especially since you mentioned both parties expressed self harm if I read that right. I agree that an ultimatum at this point may be the wrong thing. I would tread lightly, listen, keep lines of communication very open and in the mean time seek professional advice on how to deal with this situation. Good luck OP, our kids can certainly be the thing that keep us up at night!

 

[Marchand63]

Stand back - I have learned these type of relationships will either self destruct or you will be the bad guy.

 

[Colleen27]

Ending a long-term/serious relationship is a difficult time. Could it be that your child is just insecure/worried about finding someone new? Or do you think it is actually about the former SO?

In general, I think parents need to stay out of their adult kids' relationships. I know it is hard to sit back and watch a bad situation unfold - my son has been involved in a relationship that I don't think is healthy, and while he recently ended it, his desire to remain friends with his SO is sending serious mixed signals and making it harder on both of them than a clean break-up would have been - but he's old enough now that he has to manage his own relationships. There hasn't been any outright manipulation, but his SO has a history of self-harm and depression so it is something he worries about even without it being said out loud. I've absolutely worked to keep the lines of communication open and we've talked about the situation, so I've been able to offer my advice at times when he seems receptive, but I won't be issuing any ultimatums over it. I feel like that would be counter-productive and at the very least would keep him from coming to me about relationship issues in the future.

 

[Imdonenow]

Ending a long-term/serious relationship is a difficult time. Could it be that your child is just insecure/worried about finding someone new? Or do you think it is actually about the former SO?

In general, I think parents need to stay out of their adult kids' relationships. I know it is hard to sit back and watch a bad situation unfold - my son has been involved in a relationship that I don't think is healthy, and while he recently ended it, his desire to remain friends with his SO is sending serious mixed signals and making it harder on both of them than a clean break-up would have been - but he's old enough now that he has to manage his own relationships. There hasn't been any outright manipulation, but his SO has a history of self-harm and depression so it is something he worries about even without it being said out loud. I've absolutely worked to keep the lines of communication open and we've talked about the situation, so I've been able to offer my advice at times when he seems receptive, but I won't be issuing any ultimatums over it. I feel like that would be counter-productive and at the very least would keep him from coming to me about relationship issues in the future.

I do think that a large worry is being alone/finding someone new. This is the first serious relationship for this kid so I feel that may be playing a part.

 

[Imzadi]

That's good advice and we do currently have several appointments for counseling, psychiatrist, etc... I agree a neutral third party will be helpful.

You have several appointments already? Yet, in your OP, you didn't mention that your child has any previous emotional problems in which he's already in counseling. Instead you said, your family usually has no dramas.

Counselors, psychologists & psychiatrists usually don't make several appointments all at once, in advance, and especially before even having an intake session to see what kind of treatment is called for. Your child isn't the one who threatened self-harm, so why does he have so many appointments already planned out?

 

[Imdonenow]

You have several appointments already? Yet, in your OP, you didn't mention that your child has any previous emotional problems in which he's already in counseling. Instead you said, your family usually has no dramas.

Counselors, psychologists & psychiatrists usually don't make several appointments all at once, in advance, and especially before even having an intake session to see what kind of treatment is called for. Your child isn't the one who threatened self-harm, so why does he have so many appointments already planned out?

In my first post, i said that there were issues on both sides dealing with self harm and that we were dealing with my child's issues. Before this relationship, my child had never had any mental health concerns. I'm not sure why you're frustrated. Currently there is a psychiatrist appointment who can prescribe meds and a counselors appointment. The counselor cannot prescribe anything but will listen and advise.