Adult ADD

[SlightlyGoofy]

I have read many threads about how to deal with children with ADD and such but I am wondering if anyone has to deal with what I do, a husband who might/or might not have something similar. He has always marched to his own drummer regardless of anyone around him and because of this fact DW has become the only place we vacation anymore because of its confined spaces and the many wonderful folks who work and go there.

He seems to be getting much worse and he has requested that I take him to DW again. He wanted to go last Christmas but it was impossible for many reasons. I have us booked in for several weeks in Sept/Oct and then again for December to see the lights.

I have to be ever vigilant, which I am sure comes off as overbearing etc. etc. to some to control SOME of his actions. He has gotten aggressive of late and made a huge scene at MGM last trip which meant that I had to take him out of the park and back to the room like you would a child. Loud and unDisneylike language not violent or dangerous.

We take long trips so that we are not rushed and I can make sure he gets enough sleep etc.

I have my own health issues which sometimes make me less than the perfect person I would like to be.

Is there anyone dealing with something similar that can share some hints with me on how to handle things??

Slightly Goofy/Linda

 

[leanan]

I was married to a guy with adult ADD for 9 years. It is a really tough situation. I completely understand how it feels to sometimes have to be wife and mom. At least that was how it felt on really bad days.

Do not be afraid to do things without your partner that may trigger them. If you give too much of yourself you loose yourself. You can not be the person (and spouse) you need to be if that happens. Special needs spouses are much like Special needs parents in that we give and give untill we are empty and forget to fill back up.

A big issue of resentment in my marriage was that I did not do things for me. I did not go places because he could not handle going there or traveling. I wish that I had gone to see more of California when we lived there. I am not talking about running off every weekend to a different place. I am talking about wishing that I had gone to visit a friend in the mountains. Not feeling guilty for going to the scrapbook and stamp convention on the other side of the bay. Little things and experiences that matter in life.

I hated feeling like his mom sometimes. One day I went to his job to have lunch with him. He was not there. His boss came up to me and said Dont Freak, he got in a fight with the CO and we sent him off to calm down. What did I do? Feel guilty because I had not been there to sooth his feathers and keep him from fighting with the CO. He is a big boy.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

leanan, you have no idea how comforting your message has been for me. I hesitated so long in writing this post. Many who meet my husband for a short time see nothing wrong except me fussing. Even if he does not 'act out' I am always on pins and needles about IF and WHEN he will.

I am willing to make the adjustments that are necessary however it is difficult since I do not, honestly, know if he cannot or just will not control himself. It is like dealing with a two year old and not nearly as cute.

I have a bil who takes him a couple of days a month so that I can have a bit of rest. Rest meaning that I am able to renovate a bathroom, put in a sidewalk, clean the garage and other big chores that I cannot manage AND be at his beck and call. He once called me in from where I was trimming a tree because he could not get the TV remote to work. He sits a mere few inches from the TV as he sits in the kitchen as it is easier for me to clean the floor each evening after his meals. He is happy doing this, day after day.

I have been MOM in this relationship almost from the start. It is not an option for me to go anywhere without him. He is older than I but I am in bad health and not able to do many things myself anymore. On a few occasions when I have attempted to do something that he did not like I suffered the consequences. Nothing violent or such but when you do not have big bucks it is all on me to clean up the messes, whatever they may be.

We were blessed with him having a job that was almost impossible to be fired from. Getting him up and out the door was a chore though. I well know the feeling of feeling somehow responsible like you did when your hubby went off the rails at work. Were they understanding?

Do YOU have someone to help you? We live in a small community where there are many older folks and such that have some strange habits and everyone sort of watches out for them so that is somewhat comforting but my hubby walks out in front of vehicles and it is getting more common.

A lady he bowls with threatened to drop a bowling ball on DH's foot if he did not stop pushing people out of the way to get to what he wants so he stopped. That shows some kind of control over his behavior????

If I KNEW he was sick I could handle the situation and his attitude toward me better. Not that I wish him to be sick though. It is a quandry and then I sometimes wonder if I am just seeing things wrong. I do not think I am perfect.

Thank you so very much for your input. It helps to know you are not alone although I would not wish this on anyone else.

Slightly Goofy/Linda

 

[leanan]

As my daughter's Aspergers evolved slowly it was more than my marriage could handle. Everyone on the outside says my marriage died from sick child syndrome. Only the sick child in my eyes was him not our daughter. He always saw our little girl as competition for my attention. Things got worse and worse.

His job could not really fire him and they were understanding. After all they knew he did not like change but changing the rule from as long as you worked 8 hours to if you are even 3 minutes late you are in trouble was just asking for trouble with him.

If I spent too long at the grocery store he would get crazy from "the stress" of it. If I was not home when he woke up from a nap he would get crazy. He would yell at me for not telling him I was going out. When I told him I did tell him he would go I was asleep how was I supposed to remember. He was very jealous that I was an at home mom but did not do my grocery shopping while he was at work. We only had one car so that was impossible.

He wanted me to earn money but could not handle me not being at his beck and call. He literally made my boss crazy between demanding that I ask for more hours and then whinning when I got them that I was not home enough.

Most people who saw him in limited amounts either thought he was "ok" or just a control freak. Perhaps he was a control freak as well but it was based in his illness. His parents however think he is an angel. I bring up his issues and my concerns about him and they just blame it on me.

He wants continued control over me but he can not do his share of the divorce decree. Sadly in our case divorcing made it worse. Now he is just a big fat egomaniac. It had to be done. I am better now that I am away from him. I have been through a ton of therapy and group counseling. The funny thing is when all the other girls think your monster is scarier than their monster.

I want to scream and I want to cry sometimes. He has no self control over impulses. I think something is just completely lacking. I do not think he really goes oh this behavior would be fun to do to someone.

Our daughter age 9 who has aspergers has better self control than he does some days. She complaines about him to me. He gets mad at me for letting her complain to me cause the divorce paper work says no talking smack about each other. I was like uh I am not breaking it. It does not say your child can not talk smack to you about the other parent. He steals her candy from her. He takes her games away from her. He wants compelete control over her.

 

[4eyedbuzzard]

... I do not, honestly, know if he cannot or just will not control himself. It is like dealing with a two year old and not nearly as cute.

...He once called me in from where I was trimming a tree because he could not get the TV remote to work. He sits a mere few inches from the TV as he sits in the kitchen as it is easier for me to clean the floor each evening after his meals. He is happy doing this, day after day.

...I have been MOM in this relationship almost from the start. It is not an option for me to go anywhere without him. ... On a few occasions when I have attempted to do something that he did not like I suffered the consequences. ...it is all on me to clean up the messes, whatever they may be.

... but my hubby walks out in front of vehicles and it is getting more common.

...A lady he bowls with threatened to drop a bowling ball on DH's foot if he did not stop pushing people out of the way to get to what he wants so he stopped. That shows some kind of control over his behavior????

...If I KNEW he was sick I could handle the situation and his attitude toward me better. Not that I wish him to be sick though. It is a quandry and then I sometimes wonder if I am just seeing things wrong...

Your are not seeing things wrong. Your husband IS sick and needs psychiatric help. As an adult, walking out in front of moving cars is pathological behavior. And he is not just hurting himself with his various behaviors, such as pushing people and having you play maid and mom to him. He is obviously hurting you(probably much more than you even reveal in this post) and others as well.

If he won't seek help, at least talk to your own doctor about YOUR situation. There are many options that may help YOU. Living with someone with mental illness can be devastating. Sometimes we can't help the people around us, sometimes all we can do is help ourselves.

Best wishes in your struggle.

 

[leanan]

Sometimes we can't help the people around us, sometimes all we can do is help ourselves.

Amen to that. Of course it is painful when you are the one getting the help and making progress but they stand by and watch the world go by like it is ok to be them.

 

[Earstou]

Have you ever considered that this behavior might be attributed to Aspergers? I can't say that it is, but it sounds like more than just ADD to me.
My ds is Aspergers and ADHD, and I can see Aspergers tendencies in my dh.

 

[Forevryoung]

I've had a persistant mental illness for my whole life and I have to agree, it sounds like your DH needs to see a doctor and if he wont, you need to sit down with him and figure out a plan. You can't live like that forever and be truly happy. Even if he's sick, if he doesn't realize that something needs to change, you need to take care of yourself first. From what you are saying, this is far from healthy for eaither of you.

If your husband doesn't recognize his behavior, I would tend to believe there is something more than ADD going on.

Your husband isn't a child, although it sounds like he lacks the ability to take care of himself in any situation (in and out of the house), that must be frightening for you and others who know him.

I wish you the best.

 

[leanan]

Have you ever considered that this behavior might be attributed to Aspergers? I can't say that it is, but it sounds like more than just ADD to me.
My ds is Aspergers and ADHD, and I can see Aspergers tendencies in my dh.

This is the huge issue with the group of illnesses related to ADD. Too often they get confused, misdiagnosed, and/or over used. Which ever is the flavor of the day is the one they pick. Sadly there is no real test that is tried and true for any seratonin disorders to seperate them out to what yours is. It is a battle to find the right one.

1. If the meds do not work right the DX is wrong. I tried at least half of the antidepressants on the market with minimal results.

2. If they need more than 2 Mental Illness diagnosises then they do not have the right DX.

3. List all symptoms honestly including stuff that is a disease on its own like Insomnia and depression. Sometimes those diseases are symptoms as well. Aspie children almost always suffer from some level of OCD. They do not have OCD. It is just a symptom in my eyes. One that needs to be treated regardless though.

 

[Arvandor_Ilfirin]

I have ADD and I had hoped to add a little help to this topic, but I'm afraid I've never had experiences or done anything similar to your husband. My only issues are paying attention for long periods of time and poor memory.

I can, however, say that you need to take your husband to a doctor about his actions and mental state. Not only is he endangering his life with his behavior, he's taking a toll on the quality of your life. We all make sacrifices and compromises for the ones we love, but there is a limit to how much we can do and take without completely breaking ourselves. If his illness can be treated or aided with medication or therapy, then you should not allow this to continue and immediately seek medical help. Taking my ADD meds are invaluable to me at work each day, I could not function as efficiently, but with or without my pills I can still function normally. This does not seem to be the case with your DH.

I can't imagine how hard this situation is for you, but I agree with 4eyedbuzzard, you need to start thinking about what's best for you. I really wish I could offer you something more than my sincerest well wishes for you both, and hope that you'll make it through alright.

 

[Forevryoung]

leanan, I guess it depends what side of the track you are on... a diagnosis means nothing to me. I agree that all symptoms must be treated but it rarely matters what the tag (I hate the word lable) says.

Because when it comes to the brain, everyone is so different. My doctor questions my diagnosis frequently, have never changed it, and yet they have known me for 6+ years at this point (and he is the best out there). Brains don't fit into boxes.

I tell my doctor (sort of like getting a GAC ) x happens and I need y to happen instead, what can you give me to help the situation. When it comes to psych meds, treating symptoms is ALWAYS the way to go. Take it from someone who has been there, done that. Treating the diagnosis is detrimental to life.

Not even sure I'm making much sense anymore, it's late.

 

[4eyedbuzzard]

Brains don't fit into boxes...

I am always fascinated by the question of "where is the line?". At what point do personality traits and behavior patterns become true disorders? And at what point do we draw a line excusing certain behavior in children and begin to expect adults to recognize, deal with, and be responsible for themselves and their behavior, regardless of reason? We all display traits and behaviors that at times aren't necessarily the choice of behavior OTHERS would LIKE us to make. There is a very fine balance going on between the extremes of personality traits in humans. The very traits that we find the most desireable, when taken past the extreme of acceptability, become the most undesireable. Many of those we consider the most successful and admired humans have been right on the edge, and probably not the most pleasant people to be around. Often what's "best" for the individual human in question, may well be detrimental to those around them.

Referencing the OP, what's best for the husband from an internalized perspective given his current mental state is that he gets his way as much as possible without losing his wife, job, and bowling partners. And in the end he may well even sacrifice them to justify/satisfy his internalized worldview if he does not receive help and cannot make progress toward being well. But there is no doubt in my mind that the people around him must put an end to his abuse, regardless of the consequence to him. Should they try to get him to help himself? ABSOLUTELY - we would be less than human for not trying to help someone we care for. But we must also always consider our own health first. The first rule of rescue is to never become a victim yourself.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Ok I just have to put in my 2 cents, being an adult with ADD and having a child with ASD. It sounds like your husband is leaning more to ASD side. I agree with everyone TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR!

Brains don't fit into boxes.
Love that line Kate!!!!!

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

is that he gets his way as much as possible without losing his wife, job, and bowling partners.

This line sums up my perception of the problem exactly. It is why I am in such a quandry also.

I was very young when I got involved in this situation and of the mindset that marriages are not disposable so it has never been an option (occasionally a thought though) of divorcing. He is now 73 and not apt to take to any changes in his life. I am much younger but have had bad health for many years. I am not a fast track type person and the things that I would enjoy doing are simple but often not reachable because of the circumstances.

It is a matter of attempting to take care of him properly and still have some sort of life for myself and protect others from his actions. Other than my bil I have no support. My children resent me for marrying him. My grandkids think he is a joke and when they are here, often, they ignore him as much as he does them.

Maybe if I could understand he has some sort of disease it would be easier to deal with. I finally found a doctor that he would listen to a bit, not much. The idea of any doctor being able to talk to him about feelings, behavior or any other esoteric thing is beyond thought. It would have to be a man and he would have to agree with him. Most of his recent health problems are due to his ability to ignore any advice. He now has emphysema and an aortic aneurysm. The doctor says that the aneurysm is most likely caused by his inactivity, especially since he retired.

In order to be married to me he had to give up drinking and he has been faithful. He also went to work and brought home his paycheck until he retired. All of these were my requirements. Maybe I should have asked for more? In return I have taken him from a man who had 3 outfits to his name, lived with his parents (at age 38)and not only did not have a cent to his name but many debts to debtfree, comfortable living situation, money in the bank, and able to go to DW several times a year, as long as I able to drive.

I had to sneak out to the local HS to learn how to drive when I was over 30 years old. It is the only time he has ever threatened to divorce me as he says that women knowing how to drive is the main cause of divorce. He likes to know where I am every minute. Not quite as bad as it used to be. Getting old and fat has its rewards. Where would he be now that he no longer drives if I could not???? He gladly gave up driving, as he has given up everything else because he does not like the stress of details and staying in lanes, stopping at stop signs and such were too much for him to handle.

I agree with

Brains don't fit into boxes.

. I work with disabled children as I volunteer at the local Community Center (across the street from our house). I like diversity and different thoughts even if they disagree with mine. It is how I learn and grow. When you are in the middle of a storm it is hard to know what is up and what is down. Thank you all so very much for throwing me a lifeline and giving me a place to vent a bit. It seems like everyone I know vents to me (via phone) but I cannot tell people nearby what I live with. Some live with much worse.

I just wish I knew better how to handle my situation and do right by he AND me. I have done the best I could through the years to carve out a life between the lines. I continue to do so but it is getting harder.

Off to pick up grandson and back to fix lunch.

Slightly Goofy/Linda

 

[leanan]

True brains do not fit in boxes. Where it becomes dangerous is to give a NON ADD person amphetamines to treat their ADD like symptoms. Something I should have shared earlier is that I was given ADD meds as a child. They caused a heart condition to develop because I never had ADD. So sometimes treating the true condition is safer than just treating the symptoms. I think the ADD drugs are the big exception here. Insomnia treatment just sucks all around so I will not even get started on the whole Ambien really is a dangerous drug thing.

I think for all the break throughs in meds they do not research the conditions themselves enough. Maybe it is really just one or two conditions and we have yet to accept the reality that the meds just do not work for everyone. I often find myself hoping that by the time my grandkids have kids that we will see break throughs in this area of medicine. I know that we have come a long way since my grandpa's days but we have so much further yet to come in treating this group of conditions.

I do agree that SGs husband is just too old and probably there for stuck in his ways to accept these treatments. He is not much younger than my grandpa would be if he was alive today. My grandpa was also Bipolar like me plus he had PTSD from WWII. That man would not accept help of any kind. Stubborn old mule.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

There is so much more known and can be done for mental diseases than there were in my younger days and I have much hope that one day they will be able to detect and cure or at least treat many problems that folks have today WITHOUT doing away with the differences that make us human and make life interesting. There was such a stigma when I was a younger that folks would not ask for help and I think too much continues to this day which causes many to suffer needlessly. I do dislike all the medications for every little thing that might bother one. I fear it leads to a never ending rotation that spirals into oblivion.

I am in total charge of my hubby's medicines and being the cautious sort I err on the side of too little rather than too much but he seems to agree with me as I have offered to give his brother medical power of attorney. Of course, said brother, once told another sibling that blood in the stool just meant that he had eaten a piece of 'bad meat'. OMG!!!

Now that I am older and a bit wiser I can look back and see certain signs but I would not have known a name to give them nor known how to describe it to a doctor without coming off as an overbearing wife. When you are forced to go into the doctor's office with your husband cause he lies and then will not tell you, truthfully, what the doctor told him to do you ALWAYS come off as overbearing. If you are a husband you might be considered caring.

One of the reasons I have never had to worry about DH straying is that I have always had to dial the phone for him, tell him when it is time to do anything at all, and mostly do it for him and I have not sunk to the level that I would drive him to a girlfriend's house for a date. Not that there are not days now that I might consider it just so I could take a nap.

Thank God for my totally warped sense of humor. It has helped to keep what little sanity I have left.

BTW, leanan, in my neck of the woods they have another name for a mule.

SG/Linda

 

[4eyedbuzzard]

... I have not sunk to the level that I would drive him to a girlfriend's house for a date. Not that there are not days now that I might consider it just so I could take a nap.

Thank God for my totally warped sense of humor. It has helped to keep what little sanity I have left.

Thank God(or diety/natural cause of choice) for allowing us a warped sense of humor. Without it, much of life would probably be an insufferable tragedy.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

4eyedbuzzard, oh so true!!! It is often said that tragedy plus time equals comedy and I believe it.

Thing is that I am aware that things could be so much worse. I have some DIS friends, as well as others, (it is difficult, while not impossible, to have friends with my limited life) who suffer far more than I. Even I have had it worse.

The upside to him being so lazy inclined is that I do not have to worry about him wandering off down the street or getting into much of anything.

There is ALWAYS an upside, just have to dig for it sometimes.

A mere two more months until I get to sleep until I feel like waking up, have someone else to clean up after ME, eat good food that I did not prepare and in other words, live like my DH does every single day of his life!

If I can survive the drives and nerves of watching for those errant moments. Do they make those leashes in adult sizes?

Bless the dear Disney lovers who waved me onto the bus when my DH jumped in front of the line and hopped up and down until the bus arrived. Gotta love a place that is so accepting.

Slightly Goofy who has absolutely NO faults of her own

 

[barkley]

i have a son with adhd and also have to echo that this does'nt sound like it. it does sound like some of the behavioural issues adhd kids can exhibit, but those are not generaly addressed through meds-they are addressed through behaviour managment, something i think would be next to impossible to introduce to a man in his 70's who seemingly has done these behaviours for decades.

as for temper outbursts-if he can make a decision to not engage in these when confronted with a consequence he does'nt want to experience-that's pretty telling that he knows exactly what he is doing and uses inappropriate behaviour to get what he wants (just like a toddler who throws a tantrum).

my late fil could be very manipulative, when he had a stroke he CHOSE not to work to regain maximum use of one hand and arm, and demanded to be catered to. unfortunatly he had family that did so-and as a result things that he did'nt want to do became things he literaly could not do. because he chose to behave in a childlike manner (tantrums, pouting, everything had to revolve around his wants and desires) he ended up largly estranged from his adult children and their children. it was sad for mil-but she facilitated his behaviours by catering to them (which i found realy perplexing-she worked for decades with mentaly and physicaly disabled adults and children and was adamantly against the same facilitating behaviours she was engaged in ).

to the op-if you are in ill health and this situation contributes to it i would suggest you find some type of outside support system. in most if not all areas of the u.s. there are adult services bureaus housed with social services. these people can provide support and assistance-even to the extent (if you desire) of helping you get power of attny to require a medical/mental evaluation in order to ensure that he does not injure himself or others (if he steps out in front of vehicals he is not only endangering himself but also the passengers of that vehical and any nearby vehicals, pedestrians).

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

barkley, I concur with your assessment. I have had over 35 years of dealing with this situation. In some ways it is easier for me to see but in others harder, too close to the subject. It is difficult to see what is a real problem and what is just normal differences between wife and husband. Every marriage has its issues. It is just impacting more now and some days when I am not feeling so well myself it is almost more than I can stand.

My generation of wives have different expectations imposed, by ourselves or others, so that we are responsible for things that younger wives might/should not put up with.

There is a blurry line here between the fact that he does have some sort of 'problem' going on but since I do work with learning disabled children and have experience enough to know that they are able to learn appropriate behaviors, although a bit more difficult at times.

I try my best to carve out some sort of life for myself but it is very limiting. The worst thing for me is when his actions impact on others. Maybe not stepping in so much and letting him face the consequences might be a good thing but it is difficult.

To all you young women out there who are scared of being alone and desperate for someone in your life. Be careful what you wish for. Being married severely limits your chances to find "The One". Luckily I can entertain myself and can honestly say I have never been bored. Always have work that needs to be done and questions that need answering.

Thank you all for your input. I think I am done venting. My head does not feel like exploding right now. It helps to know that others know what you are going through.

The next time I see a woman (why is it almost always a woman???) in the parks with a severely disabled child sitting alone and staring out into space I plan to stop and say 'Hi!" That is a person well worth knowing and maybe I can help keep their head from exploding.

Slightly Goofy/Linda