Adoption Questions

[CEDmom]

for the OP - I'm another adoptive mom. My DH and I chose to go international. Our DD is now 6 1/2 and she is the light of our lives. I wanted to let you know that here in NJ we have one of the best agencies in the entire country - Holt International Children's Services. Their office is in Ewing, across from the Mercer County airport. They have many seminars on adoption which would be worthwhile for you to attend. Good luck.

 

[VSL]

All I want to say is, I know that the vast majority of parents adopt because they want a child (and it's high up there on the list of other reasons why parents may adopt)... but thank you

At the end of the day, you're giving these children a home and a family, and it really is amazing

 

[nliedel]

We have two adopted boys and two birth children, I as well am adopted. It's a family tradition with us! We did an open adoption with one of the boys and a semi open adoption with the other one. Meaning we know who she is and she knows us but because she had addiction issues until she is clean we have asked for no contact (hard decision but best for Steven).

We adopted cross racially because we are not really people who give much thought to race other than to honor the races the boys come from. If you are open to this then it can be a good way to build a family but please take your family into consideration as well. We have seen some cross racial adoptions have huge problems because the families have racists in them. We also adotped an addicted child. He was born addicted to Crack and Alcohol. He has shown some delays but he works hard on them. We got that one into Early On (state supported therapy) right away.

We did consider interntional adoption but infertile me snapped at 38 and got pregnant (while people know people this happened to all the time, this is not common at all. As in all cases of diagnosed infertility there is a 12% chance they are wrong. Because of this 12% of infertile couples who adopt go on to subsequently have birth children. While eveyone has heard a story most of it is the 12% or an urban myth). We will adopt an older girl (I have all boys) eventually, when the babies are older.

I can assure you that if you want to build a family it does not matter if you do it through adoption or birth children, you love them the same. All my kids are loved equally and irritate without discrimination. There has never, to date, been any jealousy between the adopted v. the birth and we cannot see it happening.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

We adopted our son Matt domestically, at the age of 2. He was from drug addicted parents, had leukemia and had been shuffled between at least 5 different foster homes before we brought him into our family. He's now a very healthy, happy and busy boy! Two of my close girlfriends also adopted their children - between the three of us, we've adopted 5 children - all through the county foster agency. In fact one of my friends adopted Matt's sister! Neither of us had to wait more than 6 months for our children. All but one were drug exposed at birth. All but one are white - the other is hispanic. All are healthy, happy children with NO behavior problems - though my son is suspected to have ADHD. I am very happy with our decisions to adopt domestically. I just wanted to point out that not every domestic adoption is difficult!

As for the poster who made the "picky" comment - I know exactly what she was trying to say, and it wasn't meant to be offensive. I believe she was just pointing out that if you ONLY want a caucasion infant, your wait for a child may be longer. You may not have to wait as long if you are open to other races. It had nothing to do with valuing white infants above others, but it's a fact that the demand is significantly higher for healthy white infants. And it's a personal decision. Why do some people ONLY want to adopt from China, or Russia, or ANY particular country for that matter? It's all a matter of what child is best for your family.

 

[SalandJeff]

We brought our daughter home from Russia in August 2005. She is now 28 months. We are so blessed.

My advice as you start out is to attend several seminars held by agencies in your area. This will give you ideas about domestic adoption, and international adoption in a variety of countries. Most agencies will advertise free informational seminars in the local newspaper, or call a few and ask. There are also great adoption chat boards on Yahoo for all different kinds of adoption, as well as for domestic and different countries. You can get tons of info there from people who are in the process or have completed their adoptions.

If I can help in any way or answer specific questions, please feel free to send me a PM.

 

[nliedel]

The wait is longer for a healthy caucasion infant. It's not about being "picky" tho (and I agree that a comment about being "picky" is not offensive). If you do adopt cross racially, and I urge people to, as well as older children, you will endure comments, unthinking and some unfeeling, you will cracks and stares. The comments that get me hot under the collar are the most well meaning. The people that tell me how "Lucky" my children are. Why? Because I appear white? (I am not) or do they think that because they are Hispanic that their birth parents are not as well off? I know for a fact Gene's birthmom makes more than we do. It was not about money. I just never know how to take it and usually answer honestly that my husband and I are the lucky ones.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

The comments that get me hot under the collar are the most well meaning. The people that tell me how "Lucky" my children are. Why?

I hate the "lucky" comments, too. I also respond with, "no, we are the lucky ones", but inside I'm thinking "Lucky? What's so lucky about losing your first set of parents, before getting what most other kids had from birth?"

 

[nliedel]

I hate the "lucky" comments, too. I also respond with, "no, we are the lucky ones", but inside I'm thinking "Lucky? What's so lucky about losing your first set of parents, before getting what most other kids had from birth?"

You know what? I don't want to tell you how to feel but honestly I have never once, in my life, thought of myself as "unlucky" not to be with my birth parents. It's not that I don't have issues with my adoption, most adopted kids do, but no more than your average birth child has with their birth parents. I never felt left out or that I did not belong. My sister did not have the same experience but she is, well I don't know how to put it. I am not sure she would have felt like she fit in with birth parents either. Most of the time my Mom worried more about how I would take the adoption thing than I had problems with it.

When I got pregnant with Hernie-Roo we sat the kids down for a long talk about how Mommy and Daddy would love them the same as birth kids. We were so worried about it. You know what the boys said, "Duh, Mom. Can we go play now?" It was never an issue. It might be someday but no one here thinks about it much. And they better, not ever, use it as a tool for abuse or manipulation. I better not hear, "Mom loves us more we weren't adopted" anymore than I better not ever hear, "Mom loves us more we were adopted" or someone is getting cooked and eaten! (Thats my, "you have just worked your last nerve and are about to lose TV for a week" warning).

 

[kimbac3]

Thanks Everyone for your replies. I love hearing about all your experiences. Please keep it coming! I read all the replies out loud to DH. We are looking into area agencies. We found a few with meetings coming up soon!! The financial aspect seems a little daunting..but we are working on that...looking into all available resources.

I've been thinking about the open adoption vs closed thing. Right now ..well I just don't know. I keep going back and forth with that one. Each has it's pros and cons. In your collective experience is one way easier than another? Like are open adoptions more common and therefore easier? Any insights into this aspect would be very appreciated.
Thanks,
Kimba

 

[ZachnElli]

Kimbac, ours is semi-open. In our case I send the birthparents (separately, they aren't together anymore) a letter and pictures every 6 months to the agency and then they can pick them up there. They do not know our last names or where we live. I told them I am open to them doing the same, but have not heard from them. The agency is our intermediary, if you will. I do know their last names, but it's all over our sons medical records, so hard to miss. I do wish they would each write him at least one letter and they said the mom was doing that, but that was a year ago. From what I've been told it is odd that the birthfather wants the letters and pictures too. It is daunting when starting out, but so worth it!

 

[nliedel]

Thanks Everyone for your replies. I love hearing about all your experiences. Please keep it coming! I read all the replies out loud to DH. We are looking into area agencies. We found a few with meetings coming up soon!! The financial aspect seems a little daunting..but we are working on that...looking into all available resources.

I've been thinking about the open adoption vs closed thing. Right now ..well I just don't know. I keep going back and forth with that one. Each has it's pros and cons. In your collective experience is one way easier than another? Like are open adoptions more common and therefore easier? Any insights into this aspect would be very appreciated.
Thanks,
Kimba

If you adopt an older child or a child with addiction issues you may be elidgable for a no cost homestudy. If you adopt a child born in the US you are elidgable for a tax credit. The amount went up since we adopted Steven so I do not know what it is now.

Open v Closed. Well it's funny because we have an open adoption with Gene-Gene's B-mom but she does not call or see him except sometimes on his birthday. I was all worried about it but it finally occured to me that I have enough love in my heart for my birth mother and adoptive mom so my son will too (I have not searched and I am not going to but I do love her very much. I do not have a burning need to find my birthparents and my sister said something very wise. Unless there is a burning need perhaps you should wait).

I would have felt jealous at the beginning of the adoptions but now? Not so much. My boys call me Mom and I am Mom. Their birth parents are just that. Special and wonderful but do not do what I do and I could not do what they do, carry a child to term (thank goodness for medical advances). We have different roles in the lives of our child.

Every adoptive parent has a kid that will scream, "I hate you, you suck, I wish you had never adopted me".. but then many birth parents have kid who scream, "I hate you, you suck, I wish I was adopted". It's part of parenting. This usually immediatly preceeded by the removal of Playstation privalages about age 13 or so. No not all kids do it but I know a lot do.

My sister, btw, is 100% opposed to open adoption but this is a new age. I do strongly suggest you not have one unless you are 100% comitted to having this woman (usually the mom but not always) in your life for the duration of your life. If you are not then it would be unfair to her and your child. Cutting her off later (and no one has remotly suggested this here) would be more than cruel and cause problems later on with your child. Obviously if there is a problem that is different.

Open adoptions are a huge relationship of trust. The adoptive parents call all the shots. Agreements have not always held up on court in favor of the birth mother.

 

[TheRatPack]

Ugg, I just got an email from the agency that we wanted to work with and they quoted us a LOT more than I had first imagined. Not including any in country cost (hotel/food/plane tickets....etc). WOW, guess I'll just be glad for my bio two and maybe one day God will intervene and make it happen if that is what is meant to be.

I had read all about cost associated with adoptions from this country and had found a sibling couple that fit right in to our family (you could see a BIG resemblence in the oldest girl and my bio son...they could have been twins). Anyhow, we would be awarded a grant (based on our basic information/yearly income and other children) of 3000.00, but still that would leave us with 24,000 (again not including any flights, 2 for this country, and in country cost).

What a downer.....I really wish all of you luck in your venture. We've been looking in to this for years (even before I turned 30) and it just always seems so out of reach

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

My son is 18 and he is adopted from Korea, came home in 1988. My youngest son is 16 and he is adopted from The Phillipines, and came home in 1991. We did special needs adoptions both times. They were born with cleft lip and palate. For us, international adoption was the best choice.