crazyforgoofy
Finally - Isabella's forever Mom! 9/08/05
- Joined
- May 11, 2002
- Messages
- 6,273
Some of you are aware of our story but for those of you who don't know here's a recap:
20 months ago we drove to a drug rehab center a few hundred miles from us and picked up Isabella from her mother (my husband's oldest daughter). They'd been living there together for 2+ months and 'M" had been there for several weeks before that. M had been told by her probation officer that she needed to send Isabella somewhere or she was going into foster care as M was going to jail and/or prison. M had been arrested when Isabella was less than 3 months old and charged with various meth related felonies after Isabella's "father", "C" turned her in when he was arrested - nice guy, huh?. M had violated her probation with at least 11 positive drug screens and some bad checks since her short jail sentence when Isabella was tiny. The probation officer was also trying to get M away from C who had been released from prison the year before and come directly back to M and little Isabella. He is a BAD person. He'd prostituted M, beaten her (once when 7 months pregnant with Isabella) and continually encouraged her drug dependency. M had lived with several other men dragging her two daughters along from pillar to post while C was in prison but immediately went back to him when he was released! This rehab stay was due to M's overdose in a suicide attempt after C had beaten her in a hotel room (Isabella was with them) after a week long drug binge. Her older daughter had been taken by her father's family and was safe but little Isabella had nowhere to go. We were not close to M who is 35 and plenty old enough to know right from wrong. She'd kept away from the family most of the last 10 years+, moving, changing phone numbers, etc. But we wanted her to be well and wanted to help this sweet little girl. We'd offered help in the past but she'd ignored it until this. We brought home a terrified, nightmare prone, underweight 4 year old who showed signs of physical and sexual abuse and who barely knew us but who flew into my arms and said "Let's go". We had to wean her off her diet of Mountain Dew, Coke, Little Debbie cakes, donuts, bologna and white bread. Oh and we wouldn't let her drink coffee which made her quite unhappy.
Fast forward to today. She's a beautiful just turned six year old sprite who no longer regularly sees her therapist. The nightmares are seldom and she feels much safer. She's finished kindergarten, she weights almost 35 pounds! She still craves sweets but also loves broccoli. She can read and most importantly - she can smile and laugh. We have been her legal guardians for 15 months. She seldom sees M who spent 3 months in jail and 4 in prison and has been in and out of detox and rehab and is again in detox. We take Isabella with us to visit my husband's parents occasionally and pick up M from wherever she happens to be and bring her there for a visit. We do not allow visitation without us in attendance. M has never tried to come visit her at our home. M calls occasionally when she's in rehab and is clean enough to feel something other than drug cravings. She didn't contact her either of the Christmas holidays they've been apart but did send a small gift via Breanna (Isabella's half sister) and her grandparents for Isabella's birthday a few weeks ago. The Beanie Baby puppy she promised Isabella some months ago has never appeared though. M has not held a job, she has no home. Her own mother is an active addict moving from man to man to support her. She's pretty much used up the good will of the rest of her biological family. She still promises her girls "I'm gonna get a good job and a car and house soon and we're gonna be together again."
Isabella asked us a few weeks ago if we'd adopt her. I was floored. What does a not quite six year old know about adoption. Turns out she'd watched some of the segments on a local station about kids needing "forever homes" and also had followed a story on Mr. Rogers where a couple in "make believe" had adopted a baby girl. She told me she wanted to live with us "forever and ever" and wanted us to be her "real" parents. I spoke with a friend who works for DFS and she advised me to take Isabella's request very seriously. So we are. We've known for a long time that M isn't ever going to be well or fit to parent her but we hadn't thought past that.
We've discussed what it would mean and she continues to talk about it. She asked my daughter Jennie if she'd be happy to have a little sister? She seems to really understand what she's asking for.
C has been out of the picture from the beginning. We suspect him of more than neglect but can't prove anything. He refused to sign the guardianship papers but he didn't show up in court either. It shouldn't be a problem to have his parental rights severed. He has a criminal and drug history that 's quite long.
So now there's M. In her own broken way she loves this little girl. She hasn't and can't protect her or provide for her but she is going to have a fit when we inform her that we're moving to have her parental rights severed so we can permanently adopt Isabella. We plan to explain all the reasons this is a good thing for Isabella but we don't expect it to go well. She's told people I offered her $25,000 to stay away from Isabella which has NO basis in fact. If I had a spare $25g I'd put it away to insure Isabella's future.
Now about us: G and I are 54 years old. I've raised 4 happy healthy children to adulthood so I know something of the challenges. I'm doing a good job with Isabella if I do say so myself. Her diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder terrified me at first but I've spent 20 months holding, loving, reassuring, teaching and encouraging her and its working. I can't tell you how many nights I've held her or climbed into bed with her to stave off the nightmares that haunt her. G loves this little girl deeply but was torn because he also loves M who he wasn't able to parent as her mother left him when he was in Vietnam. He's come to the realization that he can't save M but we can save Isabella and would fight tigers for her. They take walks, he's teaching her to ride her bike and she gets lots of what she calls "gramp reading time."
My biggest worries are:
# Parenting at 54 is doable but I'll be 66 when she graduates from high school! However all 4 of my grown children and one of Gary's are ready to step up and help at anytime. They all love her and shower her with affection and attention. My quite a lot younger sister and her husband have agreed to be her guardians if anything happens to us.
# G has ptsd from his time in Vietnam. He has periods of depression and flashbacks which require medication and occasional hospitalization. He doesn't go out in the world much and he doesn't drive. We met with his psychiatrist yesterday and he's very much in favor of us adopting Isabella and will write a letter to the court in our behalf. He thinks they're both good for the other after spending time with Isabella and asking her quite a few questions!
# The additional stress on G's family. His parents love M and tend to make some excuses for her though they won't let her live with them. They won't like feeling they must take sides. We've tried to explain that there's only one side and that's Isabella's. We all need to do what's best for her. They hold out hope that M will one day be well and somehow be able to raise her children. They just can't quite understand that Isabella deserves not to be in limbo any longer.
# And then there's Isabella directly. She won't be getting 30 something parents who can run around the backyard with her for hours on end. She won't have siblings in the house. We don't have a lot of money since I quite my big time job to be home with her and Gary.
Ok, there's my story. Thanks for slogging through it. I don't want pats on the back. I needed to write this down and read it again. I need someone outside the situation to tell me we're doing the right thing. In other words I need moral support. Got any?
20 months ago we drove to a drug rehab center a few hundred miles from us and picked up Isabella from her mother (my husband's oldest daughter). They'd been living there together for 2+ months and 'M" had been there for several weeks before that. M had been told by her probation officer that she needed to send Isabella somewhere or she was going into foster care as M was going to jail and/or prison. M had been arrested when Isabella was less than 3 months old and charged with various meth related felonies after Isabella's "father", "C" turned her in when he was arrested - nice guy, huh?. M had violated her probation with at least 11 positive drug screens and some bad checks since her short jail sentence when Isabella was tiny. The probation officer was also trying to get M away from C who had been released from prison the year before and come directly back to M and little Isabella. He is a BAD person. He'd prostituted M, beaten her (once when 7 months pregnant with Isabella) and continually encouraged her drug dependency. M had lived with several other men dragging her two daughters along from pillar to post while C was in prison but immediately went back to him when he was released! This rehab stay was due to M's overdose in a suicide attempt after C had beaten her in a hotel room (Isabella was with them) after a week long drug binge. Her older daughter had been taken by her father's family and was safe but little Isabella had nowhere to go. We were not close to M who is 35 and plenty old enough to know right from wrong. She'd kept away from the family most of the last 10 years+, moving, changing phone numbers, etc. But we wanted her to be well and wanted to help this sweet little girl. We'd offered help in the past but she'd ignored it until this. We brought home a terrified, nightmare prone, underweight 4 year old who showed signs of physical and sexual abuse and who barely knew us but who flew into my arms and said "Let's go". We had to wean her off her diet of Mountain Dew, Coke, Little Debbie cakes, donuts, bologna and white bread. Oh and we wouldn't let her drink coffee which made her quite unhappy.
Fast forward to today. She's a beautiful just turned six year old sprite who no longer regularly sees her therapist. The nightmares are seldom and she feels much safer. She's finished kindergarten, she weights almost 35 pounds! She still craves sweets but also loves broccoli. She can read and most importantly - she can smile and laugh. We have been her legal guardians for 15 months. She seldom sees M who spent 3 months in jail and 4 in prison and has been in and out of detox and rehab and is again in detox. We take Isabella with us to visit my husband's parents occasionally and pick up M from wherever she happens to be and bring her there for a visit. We do not allow visitation without us in attendance. M has never tried to come visit her at our home. M calls occasionally when she's in rehab and is clean enough to feel something other than drug cravings. She didn't contact her either of the Christmas holidays they've been apart but did send a small gift via Breanna (Isabella's half sister) and her grandparents for Isabella's birthday a few weeks ago. The Beanie Baby puppy she promised Isabella some months ago has never appeared though. M has not held a job, she has no home. Her own mother is an active addict moving from man to man to support her. She's pretty much used up the good will of the rest of her biological family. She still promises her girls "I'm gonna get a good job and a car and house soon and we're gonna be together again."
Isabella asked us a few weeks ago if we'd adopt her. I was floored. What does a not quite six year old know about adoption. Turns out she'd watched some of the segments on a local station about kids needing "forever homes" and also had followed a story on Mr. Rogers where a couple in "make believe" had adopted a baby girl. She told me she wanted to live with us "forever and ever" and wanted us to be her "real" parents. I spoke with a friend who works for DFS and she advised me to take Isabella's request very seriously. So we are. We've known for a long time that M isn't ever going to be well or fit to parent her but we hadn't thought past that.
We've discussed what it would mean and she continues to talk about it. She asked my daughter Jennie if she'd be happy to have a little sister? She seems to really understand what she's asking for.
C has been out of the picture from the beginning. We suspect him of more than neglect but can't prove anything. He refused to sign the guardianship papers but he didn't show up in court either. It shouldn't be a problem to have his parental rights severed. He has a criminal and drug history that 's quite long.
So now there's M. In her own broken way she loves this little girl. She hasn't and can't protect her or provide for her but she is going to have a fit when we inform her that we're moving to have her parental rights severed so we can permanently adopt Isabella. We plan to explain all the reasons this is a good thing for Isabella but we don't expect it to go well. She's told people I offered her $25,000 to stay away from Isabella which has NO basis in fact. If I had a spare $25g I'd put it away to insure Isabella's future.
Now about us: G and I are 54 years old. I've raised 4 happy healthy children to adulthood so I know something of the challenges. I'm doing a good job with Isabella if I do say so myself. Her diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder terrified me at first but I've spent 20 months holding, loving, reassuring, teaching and encouraging her and its working. I can't tell you how many nights I've held her or climbed into bed with her to stave off the nightmares that haunt her. G loves this little girl deeply but was torn because he also loves M who he wasn't able to parent as her mother left him when he was in Vietnam. He's come to the realization that he can't save M but we can save Isabella and would fight tigers for her. They take walks, he's teaching her to ride her bike and she gets lots of what she calls "gramp reading time."
My biggest worries are:
# Parenting at 54 is doable but I'll be 66 when she graduates from high school! However all 4 of my grown children and one of Gary's are ready to step up and help at anytime. They all love her and shower her with affection and attention. My quite a lot younger sister and her husband have agreed to be her guardians if anything happens to us.
# G has ptsd from his time in Vietnam. He has periods of depression and flashbacks which require medication and occasional hospitalization. He doesn't go out in the world much and he doesn't drive. We met with his psychiatrist yesterday and he's very much in favor of us adopting Isabella and will write a letter to the court in our behalf. He thinks they're both good for the other after spending time with Isabella and asking her quite a few questions!
# The additional stress on G's family. His parents love M and tend to make some excuses for her though they won't let her live with them. They won't like feeling they must take sides. We've tried to explain that there's only one side and that's Isabella's. We all need to do what's best for her. They hold out hope that M will one day be well and somehow be able to raise her children. They just can't quite understand that Isabella deserves not to be in limbo any longer.
# And then there's Isabella directly. She won't be getting 30 something parents who can run around the backyard with her for hours on end. She won't have siblings in the house. We don't have a lot of money since I quite my big time job to be home with her and Gary.
Ok, there's my story. Thanks for slogging through it. I don't want pats on the back. I needed to write this down and read it again. I need someone outside the situation to tell me we're doing the right thing. In other words I need moral support. Got any?
. Wishing all of you the very best.
