Abstinence Pledge Survey

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Thank you Mr. Man. I agree. It's not for everybody, but it is for some people.

I also agree with everal other posters that regardless, parents still need to talk to their children and it needs to be 100% the teen's decision. That's what bothers me about all these pop stars. If they truly want to- great! But it sounds like most of them were pressured into it by their labels. It is the outside pressure that is wrong, not the vow itself.

 

[bicker]

Science has spoken!!!!! All hail empirical "surveys" and their "unvarnished truth"!

As opposed to the window dressing placed over the reality that some would like to simply imagine doesn't exist.

OTOH, perhaps abstinence does have a place.......

....... as a personal decision some people decide to make themselves -- a choice -- rather than imposed as a national policy that ignores what is really going on.

and maybe it comes from a place that surveys like this do not fully take into account.

A place where there is no poverty, no disease, no ignorance, no intolerance, perhaps? Rather, the survey reflects hard, cold reality. I think you've read far more into the results than are there, seeking to argue against an extreme position that the survey does not support, instead of trying to argue against the middle-ground position that the survey ratifies (which is understandable, if not necessarily respectable, since I'm sure that it is far easier to argue against that non-existent extreme position than the position that the survey actually advocates). The survey doesn't say that abstinence never works.

 

[castleview]

Is anyone freaked out by the "purity" word?

 

[bicker]

I don't think the word, itself, really is the problem. I think that what is distressing to some is the manner in which the concept is related to people (typically the father in the case of a young girl [and the fact that it is the father, alone, instead of both parents, or just the mother, even, as a fellow "woman"], really is a source of concern) other than the correct, defensible agents (i.e., the youngster him/herself).

Personally, I am not really distressed with any specific aspect as this, as you allude to, but rather am distressed that such a fiction is propagated, and distressed with the additional damage it causes, as evidenced by the increased incident of risky sexual behavior among those who take such pledges.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I think abstinence is bad. The whole concept was most likely made up by men who feel insecure and inadequate - keeping women chaste keeps the women ignorant to what they are missing.

I used to be a bad lover magnet! If I would have married one of them, I would have been miserable.

Don't sleep with everyone! But if you love someone, respect someone, can protect yourself then go ahead and do it.

 

[corndog]

What did the survey define as "risky" behavior?

 

[daisax]

Is anyone freaked out by the "purity" word?

It's certainly loaded, especially for girls/women.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Why? I learned about the True Love Waits program when I was in middle school. My two best friends were part of it. I had to beg and plead with my father for the purity ring, which I found rather amusing. Of the three of us, none of us have broken our pledge (at least that I know of). One girl's older sister melted down her ring to make her husband's wedding ring.

Perhaps the difference for us is that none of our families pressured us into it and the decision was made base purely on our beliefs. None of us are naive as to the various options out there (birth control, condoms, female condoms, etc.).

For me, there was no public ceremony. I simply chose the ring with my father. It is not an official ring, just a gold band with an amethyst heart. I doubt many people notice it or even know what it is. My father didn't make a big deal over it. In fact, the reason he didn't want to do it initially is that he said he didn't want me to make a commitment I would later regret. I have had no regrets. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man and we have been dating for a year. He has similar views.

The ring is for me and nobody else. It is simply a symbol of the commitment I have made to myself and to God. It is not meant to encourage others to do the same or be judgmental against others. It is simply something that is special to me. I realize the choice is a very personal one, and I frankly don't give a hoot what you choose to do or not do. You will not find my father on one of those shows talking about it. Perhaps that is the difference. Those shows only show the very fringe of the group, the ones who are the most likely to make it a huge deal. You don't hear about the ones for whom it is what it was intended to be: a quiet pledge between the teen and God.

I do not find it surprising that those who took the pledge as a group and were pressured into it are more likely to break the pledge. It also does not surprise me that these kids do not know about safe sex as they are much more likely to live in families that will not talk about such things and go to private schools where the topic is forbidden. But if the desire comes from the teen themselves and they have done their homework and have a good solid rational for their belief, then it can be a good thing. No reason to be creeped out.

I commend you.

 

[Va-bear]

I saw that too. Too freaky for my blood.

I saw it toooo.....glad I wasn't the only one that reacted negatively to it.

 

[beattyfamily]

Why? I learned about the True Love Waits program when I was in middle school. My two best friends were part of it. I had to beg and plead with my father for the purity ring, which I found rather amusing. Of the three of us, none of us have broken our pledge (at least that I know of). One girl's older sister melted down her ring to make her husband's wedding ring.

Perhaps the difference for us is that none of our families pressured us into it and the decision was made base purely on our beliefs. None of us are naive as to the various options out there (birth control, condoms, female condoms, etc.).

For me, there was no public ceremony. I simply chose the ring with my father. It is not an official ring, just a gold band with an amethyst heart. I doubt many people notice it or even know what it is. My father didn't make a big deal over it. In fact, the reason he didn't want to do it initially is that he said he didn't want me to make a commitment I would later regret. I have had no regrets. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man and we have been dating for a year. He has similar views.

The ring is for me and nobody else. It is simply a symbol of the commitment I have made to myself and to God. It is not meant to encourage others to do the same or be judgmental against others. It is simply something that is special to me. I realize the choice is a very personal one, and I frankly don't give a hoot what you choose to do or not do. You will not find my father on one of those shows talking about it. Perhaps that is the difference. Those shows only show the very fringe of the group, the ones who are the most likely to make it a huge deal. You don't hear about the ones for whom it is what it was intended to be: a quiet pledge between the teen and God.

I do not find it surprising that those who took the pledge as a group and were pressured into it are more likely to break the pledge. It also does not surprise me that these kids do not know about safe sex as they are much more likely to live in families that will not talk about such things and go to private schools where the topic is forbidden. But if the desire comes from the teen themselves and they have done their homework and have a good solid rational for their belief, then it can be a good thing. No reason to be creeped out.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

 

[chobie]

It's certainly loaded, especially for girls/women.

I agree. It's the archaic notion that a girl's worth depends on the intactness of her hymen.

I know the boys are included in the purity rings things, but those purity "balls" are all about the girls.

EDA: I was horrified when my 6th grade daughter came home from school with a pledge to stay a virgin until she was married. Her body belongs to her, not the school.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I think abstinence is bad. The whole concept was most likely made up by men who feel insecure and inadequate - keeping women chaste keeps the women ignorant to what they are missing.

I used to be a bad lover magnet! If I would have married one of them, I would have been miserable.

Don't sleep with everyone! But if you love someone, respect someone, can protect yourself then go ahead and do it.

Some people (myself included) do not believe that abstinence is bad. I have quite a few reasons for my pledge, only some are religiously motivated and I am not going to go into all of them here. If I stood here and said that everybody who has sex before marriage is a godless heathen and this concept was created by pimps and prostitutes, then I would be flamed all the way to kingdom come. If you don't want to wait for marriage, fine that is your decision. But do not dictate to me what I do.

I love my boyfriend very much, but our relationship doesn't rely on the physical to work. We are waiting for marriage because that is what works for us. Blanket statements like everybody must wait for marriage or abstinence is bad oversimplify things and are rarely accurate. Apparently abstinence is bad for you. Don't try to make your issues everybody else's issues.

 

[daisax]

The ring is for me and nobody else. It is simply a symbol of the commitment I have made to myself and to God.

It sounds like you're a thoughtful young woman who has thought things through and has a clear understanding of what she wants in life.

I think what confuses/disturbs many of us is that if the ring is for you and nobody else, and a symbol of the commitment between you and God... why was your father involved? If it had to be a parent, why not your mother as a woman helping to support you in an important decision of womanhood?

I'm not asking this to challenge you specifically, but only to clarify that it's not the choice to remain a virgin that is considered peculiar but the formal declaration of the decision in conjunction with the father's participation, as if that particular aspect of his daughter's body/soul requires his active oversight.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I agree. It's the archaic notion that a girl's worth depends on the intactness of her hymen.

I know the boys are included in the purity rings things, but those purity "balls" are all about the girls.

It's not that way for all, or even most of us. I have plenty of friends that didn't wait, I don't think that they are somehow worth less because of it. I also believe men should be held to the same standard.

FWIW, until I came here I had never even heard of a purity ball. I agree, that is taking it way too far. The original intent is that it was simply a pledge between a teen and God, with a ring to symbolize it. The reason the father is involved for girls is that it is seen as a sign of a promise to the three men in your life: Earthly father, Heavenly Father, and future husband. The vast majority do not make a production out of it. I will agree that once people start having purity balls, they have missed the original intent and it is indeed very creepy.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

It sounds like you're a thoughtful young woman who has thought things through and has a clear understanding of what she wants in life.

I think what confuses/disturbs many of us is that if the ring is for you and nobody else, and a symbol of the commitment between you and God... why was your father involved? If it had to be a parent, why not your mother as a woman helping to support you in an important decision of womanhood?

I'm not asking this to challenge you specifically, but only to clarify that it's not the choice to remain a virgin that is considered peculiar but the formal declaration of the decision in conjunction with the father's participation, as if that particular aspect of his daughter's body/soul requires his active oversight.

I posted with an answer to this question while you were posting. It's symbolic of the promise to the three men in your life: Heaven Father, Earthly father, and future husband. The promise is really to God, and the father giving the ring is symbolic of your father in heaven. That's just how I did it, and the fact at that time due to my mother's work schedule, more of these conversations took place with my father. There are some I'm sure for whom it is the mom, or who even get the rings themselves.

 

[chobie]

It's not that way for all, or even most of us. I have plenty of friends that didn't wait, I don't think that they are somehow worth less because of it. I also believe men should be held to the same standard.

FWIW, until I came here I had never even heard of a purity ball. I agree, that is taking it way too far. The original intent is that it was simply a pledge between a teen and God, with a ring to symbolize it. The reason the father is involved for girls is that it is seen as a sign of a promise to the three men in your life: Earthly father, Heavenly Father, and future husband. The vast majority do not make a production out of it. I will agree that once people start having purity balls, they have missed the original intent and it is indeed very creepy.

Still, I think its creepy to promise your virginity to your father until he "gives you away" to another man (your husband) to take it from you. A girl's body belongs to her --not her father or her husband.

 

[BellvilleDad]

Why? I learned about the True Love Waits program when I was in middle school. My two best friends were part of it. I had to beg and plead with my father for the purity ring, which I found rather amusing. Of the three of us, none of us have broken our pledge (at least that I know of). One girl's older sister melted down her ring to make her husband's wedding ring.

Perhaps the difference for us is that none of our families pressured us into it and the decision was made base purely on our beliefs. None of us are naive as to the various options out there (birth control, condoms, female condoms, etc.).

For me, there was no public ceremony. I simply chose the ring with my father. It is not an official ring, just a gold band with an amethyst heart. I doubt many people notice it or even know what it is. My father didn't make a big deal over it. In fact, the reason he didn't want to do it initially is that he said he didn't want me to make a commitment I would later regret. I have had no regrets. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man and we have been dating for a year. He has similar views.

The ring is for me and nobody else. It is simply a symbol of the commitment I have made to myself and to God. It is not meant to encourage others to do the same or be judgmental against others. It is simply something that is special to me. I realize the choice is a very personal one, and I frankly don't give a hoot what you choose to do or not do. You will not find my father on one of those shows talking about it. Perhaps that is the difference. Those shows only show the very fringe of the group, the ones who are the most likely to make it a huge deal. You don't hear about the ones for whom it is what it was intended to be: a quiet pledge between the teen and God.

I do not find it surprising that those who took the pledge as a group and were pressured into it are more likely to break the pledge. It also does not surprise me that these kids do not know about safe sex as they are much more likely to live in families that will not talk about such things and go to private schools where the topic is forbidden. But if the desire comes from the teen themselves and they have done their homework and have a good solid rational for their belief, then it can be a good thing. No reason to be creeped out.

Well said. Thanks for that!

 

[Ilovemylife]

Still, I think its creepy to promise your virginity to your father until he "gives you away" to another man (your husband) to take it from you. A girl's body belongs to her --not her father or her husband.

Agreed.

And it's also interesting to note that you make a pledge to men, not yourself. I think that sums up the pledge...it's a pledge to the men in your (general your) life.

As Chobie said, a girls body belongs to HER, not the men in her life...and that should never, EVER be "pledged" away.

I personally find it creepy and not realistic.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Still, I think its creepy to promise your virginity to your father until he "gives you away" to another man (your husband) to take it from you. A girl's body belongs to her --not her father or her husband.

And that is why I made the choice- for me! My father has absolutely nothing to do with my virginity. If he had not given me the ring, I would have done it on my own. It is not his, it is not my future husband's, it is mine. That is why I made the decision. Frankly, my father would have preferred to have nothing to do with it, but it was important to me at the time for the symbolism, and to have my family involved. If he had not relented, I would have bought the ring myself once I had the money. My mother was fully involved in the decision, but was not with us when I bought the ring due to work schedules. The father gets mentioned a lot, but my mother was no less involved.

 

[Acklander]

Personally, I've always felt that someone's sexuality was a personal matter, between two people. I think that bragging about one's virginity to be just as tacky as bragging about one's sexual conquests. Neither one is anyone elses business.
As a parent, I feel it's my job to make sure my kids are well informed and know all the responsibilities that go with being sexually active, but as far as when they actually complete the "deed" - that's not my business.