? about remembering relatives who have passed away

[SleepyMom]

I know there is no right or wrong answer to this question, but I am wondering how the majority of people remember a lost loved one.

I am not talking about the the first year or even the first 5 years, more longterm, say 20 to 40 years and more.

Are you more likely to honor/remember them on their birthday, their date of death, or another related day (Memorial Day or Veterans Day for military, etc.)?

Poll coming...

ETA: Thanks for the replies so far, I appreciate them.

I think what I am looking for is what is the most important day of each year for you to remember them on. I know they are a part of our daily lives, I miss our son, my Grandparents and extended family each and every day, but for a yearly way to honor them which day would you choose?

 

[NMAmy]

I tend to remember them on their birthday. I can't even remember the date of my grandparents' deaths. I remember my dad's but that's about the only one and definitely not the time I choose to remember.

 

[bdoyledimou]

Birthday here too.. We like to remember the joy and good times, not the sadness of our loss.

 

[FergieTCat]

It depends.

My grandmother passed away over 20 years ago. I remember the day she passed away because it was on the 20th anniversary of the moon landing. I remember clearly going for a walk during work, wandering into Grand Central Station and seeing the moon landing footage from 1969 being broadcast on a big screen. I also think of her on her birthday.

My father passed away on Memorial Day in 2002. I don't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was Memorial Day, so I think of him every Memorial Day and on his birthday.

My nephew passed unexpectedly this past February 10th. It was such a shock that I don't think I'll ever forget the exact day. His funeral was on February 14th, so I'm sure I'll be thinking of him every Valentine's Day. And of course on his birthday.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I said other. I have pictures of my lost loved ones throughout my house. I can look at their photo and smile for what they brought into my life.

 

[DebbieB]

For my parents, I always place flowers on birthdays. Also holidays - Easter, Memorial Day, Mothers/Fathers Day, Christmas.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I said other because I think of them just about every day. But if I had to pick one day that I think of them the most it would be Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Oh, I have to add that I think of my mom a ton on and around Christmas, as well. She loved the holiday so much, and I miss everything about the way we prepared for it and celebrated it when I was a kid.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

We have what I call the "shrine table." It's a table with lots of framed photos of my grandparents, my great-grandmothers, and my cousin, plus a few other mementos of their lives. My grandfather's flag is in a case on the floor under that.

I try to remember everyone more on their birthdays - my grandfather's is especially easy, as my DFi's mother and niece have the same birthday. But it's hard to forget the day they passed, as Grandpa went on Christmas Eve and my grandmother died 6 days before my birthday. My cousin...he died exactly 1 month after his 32nd birthday, but in that case, I think I remember it only because he was just too young to die.

 

[bfeller]

I think of loved ones on their birthday and on the anniversary of their death.

I also think of my parents on my birthday. That is probably the hardest for me. Afterall they are the ones that were there from the beginning.

And don't forget holidays without loved ones.

But, I guess honestly I think of them everyday

 

[Pigeon]

I remember them when I remember them, that is to say when I think about them. I talk about them all the time. I don't go to cemeteries, and I refuse to remember death dates.

I tend to think about my mother most around Christmas, as I get out decorations that were hers.

 

[SleepyMom]

I added a bit to the original post of what I am looking for by doing this poll.

I'm asking because of a family situation. Like I said, I know there is no wrong or right answer to this question, I was just wondering how the majority feel.

I'm kind of wondering because I'm thinking maybe I am looking at the situation only from my point of view, and I am trying to see it from another angle. TIA

 

[agnes!]

I think of family-members who have passed away often, especially around Christmas. My mother likes to make sure family-graves are well-tended and that the headstones are in good shape, we seem to do that starting in the Spring, especially around Memorial Day.

agnes!

 

[ArelysAdriana]

Besides remembering her every day when I look in the mirror (I have a fairly large tattoo in her honor), I personally remember my great-grandmother every November 24th, which is the day she passed away. I also remember her on her birthday in March, but each day has completely different emotions attached to it.

My grandfather passed away less then 2 months ago & I am sure that I will remember him on both his birthday & the date of his death also. On the one month mark of his passing last month I even took a bit out of my day to remember him (& mourn a bit.)

 

[LuvOrlando]

I made smaller sized duplicates of many family photos going back a few generations and put them in a giant frame with lots of small cutouts, sort of a pictorial family tree I guess. Anyhow the only people missing are my own parents because I prefer to think of myself as a mixture of who came before them then the anomaly that they seem to be. In other words, instead of considering myself a descendant of my bio parents I leap frog over them and consider myself the descendant of 2 wonderful strong Suffragettes, a Surgeon and a Master Electrician... it's nicer that way.

As for remembering relatives who are gone in an ongoing way, I say a prayer for them whenever they cross my mind (both mine and my DH's grandparents too) and ask them to pray for me when I am having a hardship. I genuinely believe generations still wish us well up in heaven, after all I can't imagine loving my great great great grandchildren any less than I do my own here & now. I have no way of knowing if I'm right or not but when faced with a choice between a comforting unknown and a useless one I pick happy every time

 

[bicker]

I remember my mother, and feel her passing most strongly, on Mother's Day, her birthday, and the date she died.

 

[mrsltg]

I think of my Nana most days out of nowhere. If I smell mothballs, I am instantly reminded of her. Her house always had a slight smell of mothballs from all of her stored blankets and table linens... Amazing what you remember, right?

With other family members who have passed it is the same. I think of them on their birthdays and anniversaries, but I also think of them when I do something they'd like or when I need a little encouragement or whatever.

I think of my son the most, though. When I put out our Christmas stockings or when I see a little boy and he just catches my eye...

 

[minkydog]

I don't "honor" them on a special day. I find myself remembering things about my loved ones nearly every day. I'm 54, so I've lost a lot of people in my life--all my grandparents, my dad, my stepdadl. A baby. I remember all of them. Little thoughts cross my mind, just fleeting thoughts. They don't make me sad. In fact, usually the thoughts are something nice that comes to me through a familiar smell or sight. But I don't really go out of my way to "remember" them on a particular day or in a particular place. I'm sure that there are people who would think less of me for that. My mother does. It bothers her greatly that I don't go to the cemetary to "visit" my stepdad. I don't go to the cemetary to visit anyone else, so it's not just him. I know she's worried that when *she* dies that I won't go visit her either. And you know what? She's right. I doubt that I will drive 400 miles to go to a cemetary to "remember" her. Why should I,when I can sit at home and reminisce with my children or my sisters? Does love require that I make an graveside appearance annually? I think not.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I don't go to the cemetary to visit anyone else, so it's not just him. I know she's worried that when *she* dies that I won't go visit her either. And you know what? She's right. I doubt that I will drive 400 miles to go to a cemetary to "remember" her. Why should I,when I can sit at home and reminisce with my children or my sisters? Does love require that I make an graveside appearance annually? I think not.

This is exactly why my mother wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered at sea. She didn't like to visit cemetaries herself, and not only didn't want to be in one, but didn't want any of us to feel obligated to visit her in one.

What she did want was for us to think of her whenever we saw the ocean, knowing that her ashes would spread all over the world and no matter where we were, we'd know that she was right there with us. 'course, I feel like she's with me even in landlocked Colorado, so I don't think being near the remains of a loved one is necessary to honor and remember them at all.

 

[TnTsParty]

This thread has me thinking of my brother in law who passed away unexpectedly last year on of all days his 38th birthday. Since he has been gone I think about him every day especially when I think of my sister and their 2 dd's (one 13 and the other born a month after he passed away)

I always thought it was better to "honor" someone who died on the day of their birthday instead of the day they died but in this situation unfortunately its the same day. My grandmother passed away 2 days after my brother in law passed and I am sad to say I don't think of her as often as I do about my brother in law (most likely because of the age difference, my grandmother was 93 and had been ill for more than 4 months after breaking her hip and then the other hip and things went downhill from there and my brother in law was so sudden) With that being said I will choose to honor my grandmother every St Patrick's day since that was her birthday.

Hugs to everyone on this thread since this thread has got me feeling sad and I am sure there are others who are feeling sad too

 

[SleepyMom]

Hugs to everyone on this thread since this thread has got me feeling sad and I am sure there are others who are feeling sad too

I'm sorry that I made you feel sad, it was not my intent.

I am struggling with something today and thought maybe my feelings were because I was looking at something differently than I should. I was hoping to maybe see a bigger picture by asking this question and getting others thoughts.

I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve and remember a lost loved one, but I was hoping to see if my own feelings were too narrow on the subject, which could prevent me me from understanding the whole picture.

Again, I am sorry to make anyone sad