About ??? A Coach.

[skater]

I don't coach rec team. My girls are with me 16 hours a week. I have to have a background check, safety certification and professional membership. I yell a lot at work, mostly because it is loud in the gym but sometimes because they are misbehaving. I have banned certain parents from viewing for their misbehaver, but I have never banned all parents. I just don't agree with it. My parents are behind a glass wall. If my child were on that team I would insist that the door remain open.

I agree about the open door thing. Sometimes (not always but sometimes) coaches/teachers/etc. want the door closed because they know on some level they're doing something wrong. I've had two kids on travel teams of different kinds and NEVER did a coach tell us we couldn't watch practices.

 

[skater]

And yet we now find out that all of the 4th grade practices are closed, not just this coach, so things aren't always simple, are they. Maybe he's yelling instruction - I can't imagine a coach being heard at a basketball practice in a normal voice. My DH coaches, and I can't even stress how much cr@p these volunteer coaches get over play time, and even as a travel coach, my DH really tries to make it even as possible. Asking a coach about play time right after a game is a no-no. As a parent, I would be livid with my 10 year old if he cried on the bench. My ds7 cried near the end of his flag football game this year, because he never got to run the ball - we almost didn't let him play the next game, we were so annoyed with him.

It doesn't matter - practices should not be closed. They're our kids. Again, I am so thankful for the great coaches my kids have - because of their open door policy, my trust level is high. If they make a decision I don't understand, they get a lot of wriggle room from me - because they deserve my trust - not because they're coaches, but because their character earned it.

I know that many parents are difficult and unreasonable - lets deal with them - not make a blanket policy that can be to the detriment of all.

 

[undertheradar]

Having coached and enjoying not doing right now, there are many leagues switching to closed practices. My son's hs football practices were closed and you didn't violate that rule unless you wanted your son to drop on the depth chart. My own practices were open and very few parents would attend. For the first two weeks of practice, my basketball teams don't even touch a ball. It is all about conditioning and learning body control. If I had parents who could not control the urge to coach from the stands, I met with them and explained why they should sign up to coach the next year, but for now let me do it my way! Players who buy into the concept that everybody needs to learn every position on the court are far more valuable than the single position players. It is very eye opening when a post player has to play point guard and same holds true when the roles are reversed. My son played travel basketball in 6th grade. The team was in multiple leagues. They would start a game in Kentucky, half the team would leave at halftime and go start a game in Ohio, the others would arrive after finishing the first game. They would do this for 5 or 6 games every weekend. Even on that team there were parents complaining about game minutes. You will never be able to please everyone and as a coach you are responsible to your players!

 

[npmommie]

So My 10 year old is on a Travel team. An Expensive Travel team
Practices are 2 nights a week. Practices are closed, We are not allowed to stay and watch and the door is closed.
When I sit in the hall I can hear lots of yelling, Admittedly most of it seems to be directed at his own child. There are 2 coaches one is a hot head the other I am not sure....
Ok So after Practice last week. Hot head said don't be surprised if they ride the bench a bit we had a few that were not behaving..

So.. fast forward to game. Game one seemed ok. His child who is probably the worst player played ALOT. And I mean ALOT. Was made a point guard even though there are 10 kids infintely more experienced... Whatever mine played who cares..
Game two, Mine played 4 minutes of the first half and sat on the bench the remainder of the game. Out of 12 players mine is probably 3rd in ability.
So now he is crying... water works supreme.. After the game I say to Hot Head. Coach ***** Can i ask you a ? he says sure. i said was **** one of the kids misbehaving at practice? He responded God no why would you think that!!!!!! I said well because he was benched the second half. He screamed "JESUS CHRIST UN BELIEVABLE!!!" And walked away.

uhh yeh ok.. Mu husband is ready to flatten him for yelling at me.( Hubby wasn't still there at that point) I think it;s going to be an uncomfortable year.
So is there anything I can do? And do I have a right to say to him. That I don't appreciate the way he spoke to me. Or it just going to get worse for my son?

I have found that it is not acceptable to ask any questions about how much your kid plays. Its just not done. Especially right after the game. Should an adult have yelled at you? No Should your husband intervene? No, you are an adult and should deal with it yourself. Is it okay to tell the coach that you don't appreciate being yelled at? yes. Will this affect your child? yes.

WOW! I'm amazed at the fact that this seems to be OK? And I don't say that to get flamed, I'm serious. You are a grown woman who (as you stated) went to him with a discipline question. He asked the follow up.

I would be upset, but try to calm down and find the best way to handle it for your kid. You don't want him to be "that kid with the mother". However, I would find a way to let the coach know how you feel. If he feels ok to speak that way to you, imagine how he speaks to them.

I agree with bunkkinsmoms.
imagine what he is saying in the CLOSED doors that you are NOT allowed to observe.
sorry I wouldn't want this person coaching my 8 or 9 yo.

and he had no right whatsoever speaking to you like that.
do you allow other people to speak to you like that? what would you do if one of your kids teachers spoke to you like that?

 

[npmommie]

I did hear yesterday from another parent that all practices are Now closed. Not just this one coache's. Apparently there were issues with the 4th grade parents( so they say.. last year) That I am told led to the blanket closing of ALL practices.
I certainly do not think this guy is anything other than what I originally stated a big mouth and a blow hard.
lets face it there are people in life who rub you the wrong way he is one.

he was out of line in his response. My own husband doesn't swear at me. it is certainly not acceptable for someone elses to do so. Had he called and said listen tensions were running high. i apologize for blowing up. It would be a whole differant story. but he didn't so now I am all set.
I will avoid him at all costs as I no longer have any respect for him whatsoever.
My son will continue to play until HE indicates otherwise.
Like I said it's going to be a long season.........

Don't avoid him, if you do you sent the message that he won, and it is ok to speak to someone like he did. You need to set him straight first then ignore him
who is above him in the chain of command? I would also be speaking to them about his treatment.

I don't see anything wrong with a 4th grader crying on the bench, especially when he was good in practice and the "bad" boys were playing. It must have been very frustrating for him. There will be plenty of years to learn how to "Suck it up, Buttercup." and "ZIP it up, Shake it off.".

agree with Robin

I have been upset with myself for getting angry at my child, and finding out he wasn't to blame, but I don't care if my ds is upset for not getting play time - he can cry at home. I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to be upset (my kids play on many teams, and it happens - I've been to travel games and watched my ds sit the bench), but yes, I expect them to "man up" and hold it in (never had an issue with ds12 - I can't recall him crying in public since he was a preschooler, but ds7 will, but we're working on it).

Really? well kids are human beings, and sometimes our emotions get the best of us, even adults and we cannot control always when the tears come. what adult has not had it happen to them , especially with something they feel emotional about?
now factor in a 10 yo with hormones galore happening, and the emotion is there, they CAN"T control themselves always and it should be understood when they can't..............not make them feel bad about it. no need to say man up...........he is not a man, he is a little kid, a child.

 

[luvsJack]

I have been upset with myself for getting angry at my child, and finding out he wasn't to blame, but I don't care if my ds is upset for not getting play time - he can cry at home. I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to be upset (my kids play on many teams, and it happens - I've been to travel games and watched my ds sit the bench), but yes, I expect them to "man up" and hold it in (never had an issue with ds12 - I can't recall him crying in public since he was a preschooler, but ds7 will, but we're working on it).

I agree! And if my 10 yr old cried because he didn't get in I would be furious with him and tell him I guess you aren't old enough to be playing ball. He can be upset at home, I can commiserate with him at home but you don't do it on the bench ever!


I am curious how were you talking to him while he was on the bench? You talk to the kids during the game? That to me is a major no no and if parents are talking to the kids on the bench during games I can see why practices are closed, I'm sure many are talking to them during practice.

Why would ya'll be so upset at a KID for crying? Does it embarrass you?

Kids cry. Kids that play sports cry. It happens. They get frustrated and angry and their feelings hurt. They can't exactly start yelling or cussing or any of the other things "adults" do when they have those emotions. Do either of you cry?

DS played baseball for most of his life. Won two state championships. And guess what? When things happened and they got frustated and down on themselves--they CRIED. He was one of the best players on every team he played on. He was considered a team leader for all 4 years of hs. He learned to "man up". But the frustration and such got to them all at times, especially in the younger years of playing--its a lot of pressure.

9 years old is too young to expect to "man up", playing sports makes them an athlete not a grown up.

 

[npmommie]

Why would ya'll be so upset at a KID for crying? Does it embarrass you?

Kids cry. Kids that play sports cry. It happens. They get frustrated and angry and their feelings hurt. They can't exactly start yelling or cussing or any of the other things "adults" do when they have those emotions. Do either of you cry?

DS played baseball for most of his life. Won two state championships. And guess what? When things happened and they got frustated and down on themselves--they CRIED. He was one of the best players on every team he played on. He was considered a team leader for all 4 years of hs. He learned to "man up". But the frustration and such got to them all at times, especially in the younger years of playing--its a lot of pressure.

9 years old is too young to expect to "man up", playing sports makes them an athlete not a grown up.

 

[asktriplets]

Wow, this thread is an eye opener!!!

To the OP...you asked if there was anything you can do...Yes, there is. Get your kid off the team!!

If you, as an adult, are not comfortable with the coach and want to avoid him, how the heck do you think your kid might feel? Even if there is "nothing" more sinister than the coach yelling at the kids during practice, that should be enough.

You said you can't tell if he is yelling to them or AT them during practice? He "screamed" what most people would consider an obscenity at you after a game. A game in which little 8, 9, and 10 year old boys were playing a GAME of ball. You think he is staying calm and appropriate while he is behind closed doors with a bunch of little boys under his control?!?!


This is what you've told us about this man:

-He tells his own little kid to "shut up".
-He yelled an obscenity at a parent (presumably in front of kids, parents, or both)
-He threatens to bench kids who are misbehaving and doesn't follow through, and in fact, rewards them with more playing time than those who weren't misbehaving .
-He yells during practice, but you don't know at who or about what because you are not allowed to observe practices.

Is this REALLY an environment that parents allow their kids to be in?! Never mind the fact that kids are exposed to this to play a game and the parents are paying for it!!

My shock isn't about you, OP, as you are questioning what to do. It's more in regards to the comments that you are getting. I'm sensing, "this is the way it is. Deal with it." from many parents who have been involved in pay-to-play sports for little ones.

You don't like this man. You don't respect him. You question his behavior and his impulse control.
Why are you letting your son be around him? Why are you letting this man be responsible for your child? Why are you allowing this man to be a role model? Why are you not acting on your parenting instincts which are telling you that something is not right with this situation? And most importantly, why are you letting your son dictate whether he continues to be around this man (who holds a heck of a lot of power over your son) who you don't like, respect, or trust?

Good luck with this situation.

 

[mjkacmom]

Why would ya'll be so upset at a KID for crying? Does it embarrass you?
.

A kid crying on the bench is making himself a target for bullies. Sure, I cry, but I'm not going to sitting at the field, watch a game, crying because my kid isn't playing enough. Will it bother me? Of course! I have a ds7 who cries when he strikes out, he cries when his team loses. It's not acceptable, it's not good sportsmanship. Now, he's gotten better - happens about 30% of the time, instead of 100% of the time.

Now if my child is hurt physically, crying is acceptable, for a reasonable amount of time (I'd say a 30 second max).

 

[npmommie]

A kid crying on the bench is making himself a target for bullies. Sure, I cry, but I'm not going to sitting at the field, watch a game, crying because my kid isn't playing enough. Will it bother me? Of course! I have a ds7 who cries when he strikes out, he cries when his team loses. It's not acceptable, it's not good sportsmanship. Now, he's gotten better - happens about 30% of the time, instead of 100% of the time.

Now if my child is hurt physically, crying is acceptable, for a reasonable amount of time (I'd say a 30 second max).

with all due respect, and I don't mean to be very snarky,
but you have deemed when it is ACCEPTABLE for your child to cry.
I just can't wrap my brain around this. they are children.
this is a 7 YO you are talking about. a mere baby, a child.
he has the right to feel what he feels, and if he cannot control his emotions and crys you should NOT be making him feel bad, as if he is doing something wrong.

 

[asktriplets]

Now if my child is hurt physically, crying is acceptable, for a reasonable amount of time (I'd say a 30 second max).

Does the allowable crying time vary with the injury? Say, a full 60 seconds of crying for a broken bone, but less than 10 seconds for a minor knee scrape with blood? Or is it a max crying time of 30 seconds regardless?
Sorry, but I laughed when I read your post.
I assume you meant that it's ok to cry if your kid is truly hurt, but you don't give in to them being overly dramatic about it.

 

[robinb]

Kids cry. Kids that play sports cry. It happens. They get frustrated and angry and their feelings hurt.

My DD swam a meet this weekend and came out of the pool crying TWICE. Once was when she was in the final heat of the 11-12 200 Individual Medley and was smoked by a bunch of 12 year-old girls. She took almost 5 seconds off her best time but she thought she swam slow! Two days later she missed her personal goal of swimming the 50 yard freestyle in under 30 seconds. Her friend's mom talked to my DD and said that her DD cries when she doesn't swim like she wanted to but then she gets ANGRY and swims even better the next time. My DD went on to take 3 seconds off her 100 backstroke and 1/2 second off her 50 breaststroke.

She ended up having a GREAT meet and took time off of 5 out of 7 events. But yeah ... she cried a bit along the way.

 

[luvsJack]

A kid crying on the bench is making himself a target for bullies. Sure, I cry, but I'm not going to sitting at the field, watch a game, crying because my kid isn't playing enough. Will it bother me? Of course! I have a ds7 who cries when he strikes out, he cries when his team loses. It's not acceptable, it's not good sportsmanship. Now, he's gotten better - happens about 30% of the time, instead of 100% of the time.

Now if my child is hurt physically, crying is acceptable, for a reasonable amount of time (I'd say a 30 second max).

What?? Now we are hiding our emotions just in case some bully is watching? Really? No. It does not make them a target for bullies. Bullies are bullies, crying has nothing to do with it. I will assume you are one that believes a boy has to be "tough" or get picked on. One has nothing to do with the other.

Team of 9 and 10 year olds, went an entire season undefeated. Top of the world. Went all the way to the last two games of the city playoffs. Lost. Did they cry? You are darn right they did. And not once did that big, gruff, never crack smile coach say one word. He patted them on the back and said, "hold your heads up. you played a good game". There was nothing wrong with that. They were disappointed. Its a very natural emotion.

And a 30 second max on getting hurt? Really? 10 year old center fielder going for the ball, righ fielder comes in to him. They both jump and run together. 10 year old breaks his hand. 30 second max??? Or how about a 9 year old quaterback that gets sacked and injures his knee. 30 seconds? But yet he had to leave in an amublance. Yep, I am going to go in that amublance and keep saying "suck it up".

I cannot imagine ever telling my kids how much emotion they can or cannot have. If I feel like crying--I do. If they feel like crying--go for it. It doesn't mean they are "too soft" or not tough enough.

 

[mjkacmom]

I assume you meant that it's ok to cry if your kid is truly hurt, but you don't give in to them being overly dramatic about it.

This exactly - can't stand it when kids get little boo-boo's and cry for a half hour. I'm not talking a major injury. And yes, kids do have to eventually learn when it's not okay to cry. Ds12 has a kid on his travel soccer teams who STILL cries when they lose, or if he doesn't make a goal. Awkward for the other kids, and the coaches. It's being a bad sport. Cry the whole ride home if you want, but put on a brave face until then.

Should everyone be able to show their emotions at all time. Should DH burst into tears if he doesn't get a raise? Should dd14 burst into tears when she doesn't get a part, in public? Dd9 dances competitively, and if her number isn't called, I still expect her to clap for the winners - yes, I'd be annoyed if she started crying.

 

[luvsJack]

This exactly - can't stand it when kids get little boo-boo's and cry for a half hour. I'm not talking a major injury. And yes, kids do have to eventually learn when it's not okay to cry. Ds12 has a kid on his travel soccer teams who STILL cries when they lose, or if he doesn't make a goal. Awkward for the other kids, and the coaches. It's being a bad sport. Cry the whole ride home if you want, but put on a brave face until then.

Should everyone be able to show their emotions at all time. Should DH burst into tears if he doesn't get a raise? Should dd14 burst into tears when she doesn't get a part, in public? Dd9 dances competitively, and if her number isn't called, I still expect her to clap for the winners - yes, I'd be annoyed if she started crying.

I think your dh crying at a raise is a bit different than a 7 year old crying because he struck out, don't you? I would bet your dh may have other ways of showing his disappointment though.

Sportsmanship is shaking the other teams hand and saying "good job". Sportsmanship is helping out the opposing team in some way because its the right thing to do. Sportsmanship is clapping for the winners and congratulating them, doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel disappointed because you didn't win. Sportmanship is saying "good game" and "good job" when you won 35-0.

Our 10 year old baseball team, won state and went to the Dixie Youth World Series, lost after 3 games. The boys cried but they congratulated the opposing team and stayed an extra day to watch the team from Arkansas play and to cheer them on. After arriving home, we found out that our boys won the trophy for sportsmanship.

Maybe that 12 year old is very emotional for some reason, doesn't make him wrong. Some people show their emotions more. If it doesn't bother him to cry, it souldn't bother anyone else.

Sorry, but I don't believe it is my place to tell my child how he or she should or should not feel. DD will try out for cheer this year. If she doesn't make it and cries, it will be ok. I will help her find something else to get interested in, but I will NEVER tell her she shouldn't have been disappointed or emotional about losing.

 

[skater]

Not saying this will happen to the posters on this thread, but getting in trouble for crying is a good way to burn a kid out on his sport. I teach my child self-control, but also let him make his own choices. If he chooses to cry, he can deal with the consequences from his peers (usually at 8 or 9 there are no consequences ). My job is to support him and offer him advice on the way home IF HE WANTS IT. I can't imagine being angry with either of my sons for crying. I can give him advice to hold back his tears until the car ride, but being angry with him makes it about me - and its not about me! Its HIS sport. Just like if he doesn't perform well - its HIS sport!

I have a 13 year old who is doing fantaastic with his sport and its all because of his own motivation. Its worked for him for his parents to stay out of it. We support him, drive him, pay for his gear, offer advice, talk to coaches and/or set him up with coaches to talk to. That's the parents' role IMO.

(I will scold him for a few things on the field - talking back to a ref, doing a flip that could have hurt him on the field , etc.).

I know it sounds like I'm judging people and I'm sorry for that. This is just my opinion and I'm sure different approaches work better for different children and families. I've certainly been wrong before .