About ??? A Coach.

[twinmomplus2new]

So My 10 year old is on a Travel team. An Expensive Travel team
Practices are 2 nights a week. Practices are closed, We are not allowed to stay and watch and the door is closed.
When I sit in the hall I can hear lots of yelling, Admittedly most of it seems to be directed at his own child. There are 2 coaches one is a hot head the other I am not sure....
Ok So after Practice last week. Hot head said don't be surprised if they ride the bench a bit we had a few that were not behaving..

So.. fast forward to game. Game one seemed ok. His child who is probably the worst player played ALOT. And I mean ALOT. Was made a point guard even though there are 10 kids infintely more experienced... Whatever mine played who cares..
Game two, Mine played 4 minutes of the first half and sat on the bench the remainder of the game. Out of 12 players mine is probably 3rd in ability.
So now he is crying... water works supreme.. After the game I say to Hot Head. Coach ***** Can i ask you a ? he says sure. i said was **** one of the kids misbehaving at practice? He responded God no why would you think that!!!!!! I said well because he was benched the second half. He screamed "JESUS CHRIST UN BELIEVABLE!!!" And walked away.

uhh yeh ok.. Mu husband is ready to flatten him for yelling at me.( Hubby wasn't still there at that point) I think it;s going to be an uncomfortable year.
So is there anything I can do? And do I have a right to say to him. That I don't appreciate the way he spoke to me. Or it just going to get worse for my son?

 

[kidzmom3]

I have found that it is not acceptable to ask any questions about how much your kid plays. Its just not done. Especially right after the game. Should an adult have yelled at you? No Should your husband intervene? No, you are an adult and should deal with it yourself. Is it okay to tell the coach that you don't appreciate being yelled at? yes. Will this affect your child? yes.

 

[Hannathy]

I have found that it is not acceptable to ask any questions about how much your kid plays. Its just not done. Especially right after the game. Should an adult have yelled at you? No Should your husband intervene? No, you are an adult and should deal with it yourself. Is it okay to tell the coach that you don't appreciate being yelled at? yes. Will this affect your child? yes.

Agree with everything.

It is up to the coach to determine play time not the parents. Do not do that to your son, he will get the reputation that his mommy goes to the coach about playing time.

That is what he was saying was unbelievable! just like the saying there is no crying in baseball there is no parent determines the playing time in sports past the rec level, that isn't the parents job.

 

[mommasita]

I have found that it is not acceptable to ask any questions about how much your kid plays. Its just not done. Especially right after the game. Should an adult have yelled at you? No Should your husband intervene? No, you are an adult and should deal with it yourself. Is it okay to tell the coach that you don't appreciate being yelled at? yes. Will this affect your child? yes.

Agree

My son played every sport, but football for 8 years. Our coaches rule was not to discuss anything that day/night. The next practice, we shall talk, or the next day, just NOT after a game. Emotions run high, and after the game is NO time to do it.

Also, is this your child's first year? Dues must be paid. My son must of rode the bench 80% of the time his first year or 2 of football. He was fine with it, we taught him very young that you must pay your dues. When he got his chance, he played, and worked up from there. Eventually he was a starter.

Now is his 3rd year of HS basketball, and it works pretty much the same. Same rules, and he did ride the bench the first year, and 1/2 of the second. We just went on vacation, and he missed 3 practices, his first game back he rode the bench for 70% of the game.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

Sorry for caps. Lol with the following exceptions. This is a 4th grade travel team. In reality it takes 3rd graders occasionaly not as a rule. Last year because of this we did not take the plunge. As I knew as a 3rd grader, it was not his turn.
So we waited till he would be a full member as a 4th grader.
The reality is that the 3rd graders are both coache's sons and the 4th graders getting priority play is now out the window.

And for the record I was legit asking... Was he one of the behavior issues that was mentioned. Only when he asked why would you think that? did I mention the bench sitting.

And yup I should have waited till i wasn't heated to ask. but, I digress I didn't

 

[JimR24]

Timing, timing, timing. I am a coach of my daughters travel softball team. It's the same age as you mention. It is expensive also. If a parent was to ask me something about their kids playing time after we lost, I might have the same reaction. That being said - "Daddy ball" is a big problem with all sports at this age. It's something that you're always going to have to face. I've been lucky enough never to be excused of it but I try and make an effort to be fair and my kid sits as much as everyone elses.

I think you were ok to ask but not at the time you did. I understand your husband being upset too. We're the only ones allowed to yell at our wives.

 

[metalis4ever]

Yeah that's a tough one I agree with PPs....I played on serveral traveling teams for baseball and football and AAU for Basketball and it can get quite intense....In my opinion his emotions were probably just running high and I bet that if you brought it up to him he would apologize (not knowing him of course, but based on the qualities of every coach I have ever had). My Father was the coach for a couple of my traveling teams, thankfully I was always one of the best players on the team, but even with that parents complained about my playing time. it is a hard and stressful battle for these coaches to be solid leaders while balancing the needs of the players and parents, especially when high playing fees are involved. But still no excuse for the way he reacted to you.

Hope it works out for you and he apologizes

 

[skater]

wow. I guess we're blessed to have the coaches we have because we would NEVER be treated that way. I agree that timing is everything, but even if I blew it and approached the head coach right after a game, he would still be respectful to me. And, yes, this is a competitive travel team. This coach has lots of respect, awe and maybe a little fear from his players - but he never yells at them or at the parents.

Before I placed my son on this team, I questioned this coach about his philosophy. About playing time, playing kids in different positions,etc. After the whole fall season (its soccer), I've realized he totally lived up to all his promises to me.

My point is not to make you feel bad, but to tell you that it doesn't have to be this way.

I think its going to be a long season for you. Are there other competitive options for next year? I would want to get far away from this coach. Maybe your timing could have been better, but he is still wrong. And I do think you have a right to talk with him and even question him. Its your kid! You have to choose your battles, but you also want to teach your kids his value and that we can stand up for ourselves if we need to.

 

[shortbun]

If you approached the coach just as you say you did, he was out of line. These are little kids- 3rd and 4th grade - so I don't believe the 'don't question the coach' rule applies. As they get older, the athletes should be responsible for talking to the coach about play time but since your coach brought it up after practice I feel you should have asked about your child's behavior. The coach yelling at you like that is not acceptable IF you peacefully approached him to ask if your child misbehaved. We chose not to have DS on travel teams of screaming coaches. We did our research. Life is too short to have crazy people screaming at 10 year olds. Later, high school age, there might be some screaming coaches. Children are better equipped to handle it then but I don't think it's EVER necessary. I hate screaming coaches. Once, when a coach screamed at a team of 8 and 9 year olds that if they weren't going to play better than that, he'd just write their parents a check; meaning they'd be off the team but the kids did not understand his nuance; I got in his face and told him to get his checkbook out. It was the first game and that kind of nonsense was uncalled for. I took his check and DS never returned to his team. We all still laugh about 'screaming Tony.' He eneded up with six kids out of the 13 he orginally recruited. Needless to say, they did not do well.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

WOW! I'm amazed at the fact that this seems to be OK? And I don't say that to get flamed, I'm serious. You are a grown woman who (as you stated) went to him with a discipline question. He asked the follow up.

I would be upset, but try to calm down and find the best way to handle it for your kid. You don't want him to be "that kid with the mother". However, I would find a way to let the coach know how you feel. If he feels ok to speak that way to you, imagine how he speaks to them.

 

[Mermaid02]

WOW! I'm amazed at the fact that this seems to be OK? And I don't say that to get flamed, I'm serious. You are a grown woman who (as you stated) went to him with a discipline question. He asked the follow up.

I would be upset, but try to calm down and find the best way to handle it for your kid. You don't want him to be "that kid with the mother". However, I would find a way to let the coach know how you feel. If he feels ok to speak that way to you, imagine how he speaks to them.

What she said!

 

[mhsjax]

OUr coaches would never talk to a parent like that, he would be asked to leave. I have seen it happen.

 

[golfgal]

Get used to it. When you have parents coaching teams, they will favor their own children-and the friends of their children. Also, I have often found that a parent's perception of what a good player is usually is off the mark unless they are very well schooled in the game (which 90% of the parents are NOT-they may be active fans but most often they don't "know" the game"). I will also say that there is very little chance that the 4th grade superstars will even be playing by the time they are in high school so don't sweat that.

You don't learn to play the game in a game, you learn in practice so your son needs to just keep working as hard as he can in practice. You need to put things in perspective, for you and him, and remember is 4th GRADE not the NBA.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I have a really big mouth.. I will admit that this was however was asked as a follow up just as nicely as I stated it was. The entire time my son sat the other 6 parents in proximity ALL said you have to ask if he was one of the ones who misbehaved OTHERWISE you are going to have to do something! I was the least loud about him sitting. And I was the least loud simply becuase I was bull at my Son Because I thought he had misbehaved.

This will be the only year I will have to deal with this guy. As his son will stay down on the 4th grade and mine will move up to the 5th. However based on what I am seing and hearing we are going to have some issues.

This is someone who I saw scream SHUT UP in his 5 years face while at our club pool. so he is NOT even tempered.

 

[N&B'smom]

Get used to it. When you have parents coaching teams, they will favor their own children-and the friends of their children.

You don't learn to play the game in a game

I agree with the first part, I have seen this SOOOOOOOO much over the years, especially in my son's street hockey league. Then when it comes time to pick the All Star team, the coaches choose 2 from each team. They pick their friends' (the other coaches) kids! It's infuriating!

The second part I don't feel the same about, I played basketball and field hockey...I learned way more being thrown into a game situation than just in practice. That's why they have scrimmages. (practice game scenario) But maybe that's just me!

I'm sorry, OP......it does sound like it's going to be a VERY long season.

 

[golfgal]

I have a really big mouth.. I will admit that this was however was asked as a follow up just as nicely as I stated it was. The entire time my son sat the other 6 parents in proximity ALL said you have to ask if he was one of the ones who misbehaved OTHERWISE you are going to have to do something! I was the least loud about him sitting. And I was the least loud simply becuase I was bull at my Son Because I thought he had misbehaved.

This will be the only year I will have to deal with this guy. As his son will stay down on the 4th grade and mine will move up to the 5th. However based on what I am seing and hearing we are going to have some issues.

This is someone who I saw scream SHUT UP in his 5 years face while at our club pool. so he is NOT even tempered.

Your son not playing and this hot head are really two separate issues. If this man is really that bad, your league should have some way to file a formal complaint. If the other parents will side with you, you should probably file a complaint together. I the travel leagues I have coached or been a parent of a player in, there was a formal process in all of them. Often parents would file complaints because their kid didn't play-which is NOT usually a reason for the complaint, but if you have all or most of the parents on a team stating that this guy is not an appropriate coach, they will listen.

I was an assistant volleyball coach one year (high school) and I had to file a complaint against the varsity coach. He was verbally abusive to everyone, kids, fellow coaches, etc. One game he decided that the bus should leave 15 minutes early, several of the younger kids were not there yet (they didn't drive), their parents took them to where the game was and the things he said to those kids are not fit for this board. When I questioned him about leaving early he lit into ME. That was the end of his coaching career.

 

[mom2rb]

I am a gymnastics coach, so it is different. What I want to know is why is it o.k. to have closed practices. In this day and age, I would never be alone with a group of kids. It is setting yourself up for a lawsuit. I will not have a child in my office unless the door is open or the parent is with me.

 

[Hannathy]

I am a gymnastics coach, so it is different. What I want to know is why is it o.k. to have closed practices. In this day and age, I would never be alone with a group of kids. It is setting yourself up for a lawsuit. I will not have a child in my office unless the door is open or the parent is with me.

They are not alone with a single child! It is no different than closed dance lessons and I would be willing to bet that the practices are closed for most upper level sports. there is usually an assistant coach also.

 

[mom2rb]

This is not upper level, it is third and fourth graders. The mother said she hears yelling outside the doors. That can be construed as verbal abuse.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, this guy has some serious issues and probably should not be coaching.

DS had a great baseball coach. He was loud and he did yell but he NEVER really yelled at anyone, he was always teaching them and always telling them something, he was just loud. And yell at a parent? No way.

You weren't asking why your child didn't play, you were asking if he was misbehaving. There should not be anything wrong with that. If he can't answer questions from the parents, well, reason #2 he should not be coaching.

You have as much right to ask a coach why your child is not playing as you do to ask a teacher why their grade is falling.

As for always favoring their child, not a good coach. DS's coach always had his own son on the team and ds was good friend with his son. He didn't favor them, he expected the most out of them. They were both excellent ball players but they both worked harder than anyone else on the team.