AARRRGGG - need to vent

[clh2]

OK - I'm not sure how to handle something.

My DD is almost 17, my DNiece just turned 17. There are about 3 months apart. Neither of them are the problem. They are both pretty similar (smart, active both in school and out)

So - the problem...

My sister is almost making this a competitive situation. I am trying my darndest not to engage - but dang - it is so hard.

My DD is done with the ACT -and she did great. (Although DD's score would not be "good" enough for her DD.) DNiece went on her first college tour this weekend, and my sister made the biggest stinking deal about this. They went to Texas, so made a long weekend of it, somewhere nice, blah, blah blah.

I just need a coping strategy so that I do not feel like my DD is getting overshadowed. Everything DD seems to do, my sister totally overshadows what DD does with DNiece's accomplishments.

Can I give some examples...DNiece, because she is a little bit older, got her driver's license first. DNiece, because of the course offereings at her high school is taking 3 AP classes, DD is only taking 2. DNiece has higher than a 4.0 GPA, due to thier school weighting AP classes differently. DD is not "slouching off" by any stretch of the imagination. Her GPA this semester is 3.94. DNiece will be over a 4.0. Most likely - DNiece will graduate a week earlier than DD, and my parents will come to that graduation, and then be "too bored/tired or whatever" to come to my DD's.

I just need a coping mechanism. And just so you know, DD feels this too, as this has been going on for years. DD and DNiece are the only 2 out of 5 grandkids that graduate in the same year, so they are most often compared.

UGGH.

 

[njmom47]

I can relate to a point. My cousin's dd is 7 weeks older than my middle dd.
Cousin's dd is top 10% in class, has been accepted to her all the collleges she has applied to, is in band, clubs, activities, works, has a brand new suv, etc, etc.
My dd didn't take the SATs, will probably go to community college or possibly beauty school (or maybe not), is in the BOTTOM 10% of her class (they attend the same school and are both graduating in June), has a 2002 car, etc etc.
Cousin doesn't brag so much, but we just lead different lives.
The only pressure I've put on my kids is to be the BEST THEM they can be; they don't have to be the best of everyone they know.
I deal with it by saying "That's wonderful for you (her name)" and leave it at that.
It actually started in our generation-my brother and I didn't attend/finish college, and all 3 of my cousins did and are wildly successful (which my mother reminds me of frequently as these are her brother's kids).

 

[Brit17]

Just try and ignore it all the best way you can ... I know, it's easier said than done, especially when the grandparents may seem to favor one granddaughter over the other (i.e. going to one graduation and not the other) ... just let your daughter know that you are proud of her and know how hard she has worked to achieve all of her own accomplishments, and that's all that really matters ...

 

[DebD4T]

DS has 3 cousins the same age as him. DD#2 has 2 cousins the same age as her. Believe me, on many occasions someone has tried to make it a competition. I can honestly say I have never taken the bait.

I just smile and say "that is great!!" and change the subject.

I have seen how ugly competition between cousins can get. No way do I ever want to go there...

 

[clh2]

Just try and ignore it all the best way you can ... I know, it's easier said than done, especially when the grandparents may seem to favor one granddaughter over the other (i.e. going to one graduation and not the other) ... just let your daughter know that you are proud of her and know how hard she has worked to achieve all of her own accomplishments, and that's all that really matters ...

I really do try to ignore it. I just think that my sister is trying to take away the attention from a totally crumbled marriage (I think I am the only one in the family who knows that she has filed for a divorce...again.)

And - njmom47 - I really am happy for my niece, she has worked hard to get where she is at. But I agree totally - your advice of "That is wonderful for "dniece"" is perfect! I think that will be my new mantra...

 

[marlynnp]

OK - I'm not sure how to handle something.

My DD is almost 17, my DNiece just turned 17. There are about 3 months apart. Neither of them are the problem. They are both pretty similar (smart, active both in school and out)

So - the problem...

My sister is almost making this a competitive situation. I am trying my darndest not to engage - but dang - it is so hard.

My DD is done with the ACT -and she did great. (Although DD's score would not be "good" enough for her DD.) DNiece went on her first college tour this weekend, and my sister made the biggest stinking deal about this. They went to Texas, so made a long weekend of it, somewhere nice, blah, blah blah.

I just need a coping strategy so that I do not feel like my DD is getting overshadowed. Everything DD seems to do, my sister totally overshadows what DD does with DNiece's accomplishments.

Can I give some examples...DNiece, because she is a little bit older, got her driver's license first. DNiece, because of the course offereings at her high school is taking 3 AP classes, DD is only taking 2. DNiece has higher than a 4.0 GPA, due to thier school weighting AP classes differently. DD is not "slouching off" by any stretch of the imagination. Her GPA this semester is 3.94. DNiece will be over a 4.0. Most likely - DNiece will graduate a week earlier than DD, and my parents will come to that graduation, and then be "too bored/tired or whatever" to come to my DD's.

I just need a coping mechanism. And just so you know, DD feels this too, as this has been going on for years. DD and DNiece are the only 2 out of 5 grandkids that graduate in the same year, so they are most often compared.

UGGH.

I'm not sure I get the problem. Is your niece supposed to quit school? She certainly can't help she was born first and that her school has different standards or she's smarter.

And it just sounds like your sister was really excited about seeing the college and wanted to share that. I would think that sharing something like that with a sister that was dealing with the same would be appropriate.

I understand that *you feel* as though your daughter is over-shadowed - but you are responsible for those feelings - you need to adjust your outlook. Really other than the possibility of your parents bowing out of attending your daughter's graduation - it sounds like sour grapes.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really do try to ignore it. I just think that my sister is trying to take away the attention from a totally crumbled marriage (I think I am the only one in the family who knows that she has filed for a divorce...again.)

And - njmom47 - I really am happy for my niece, she has worked hard to get where she is at. But I agree totally - your advice of "That is wonderful for "dniece"" is perfect! I think that will be my new mantra...

Yes, change your perspective and ditch the sister competition. It is time to let that go.

Be happy for the niece and happy for your dd, this is an exciting time.

If your parents do not come to your dd's graduation then that is something else entirely and has nothing to do with your sister. Perhaps your parents are the ones setting up the rivalry in the first place?

 

[themilesfamily]

I have a friend like that -- who always wanted everything to be a competition and was kind of a braggart. (For us it was more about things like who weighed the least, who dressed the best, whose hair was the cutest, who had the most admirers -- she "won" in every category.)

I handled it by just wholeheartedly congratulating her when things went well in her life or in her family's life. I just tried to say, "hey, you're really great in that area" -- or "you really excel at this, that or the other" -- or "good for you!!!" I tried to really and sincerely celebrate the things she was doing well in her life. And I looked for things to point out that she was doing well, before she even had a chance to bring them up.

Eventually she started doing the same for me and it became a totally reciprocal and mutually-supportive relationship.

As your kids get older, they will go off on different paths in their lives and each will do more individualistic things that will make them stand out -- and hopefully that will take them out of competition with each other in your sister's mind. When the kids are at this stage, they're kind of all on the same track.

 

[Mermaid02]

I'd stop giving her so much info about my daughter and if she asked for the info ask her WHY she wants it.

 

[indimom]

I can relate to a point. My cousin's dd is 7 weeks older than my middle dd.
Cousin's dd is top 10% in class, has been accepted to her all the collleges she has applied to, is in band, clubs, activities, works, has a brand new suv, etc, etc.
My dd didn't take the SATs, will probably go to community college or possibly beauty school (or maybe not), is in the BOTTOM 10% of her class (they attend the same school and are both graduating in June), has a 2002 car, etc etc.
Cousin doesn't brag so much, but we just lead different lives.
The only pressure I've put on my kids is to be the BEST THEM they can be; they don't have to be the best of everyone they know.
I deal with it by saying "That's wonderful for you (her name)" and leave it at that.
It actually started in our generation-my brother and I didn't attend/finish college, and all 3 of my cousins did and are wildly successful (which my mother reminds me of frequently as these are her brother's kids).

Just try and ignore it all the best way you can ... I know, it's easier said than done, especially when the grandparents may seem to favor one granddaughter over the other (i.e. going to one graduation and not the other) ... just let your daughter know that you are proud of her and know how hard she has worked to achieve all of her own accomplishments, and that's all that really matters ...

DS has 3 cousins the same age as him. DD#2 has 2 cousins the same age as her. Believe me, on many occasions someone has tried to make it a competition. I can honestly say I have never taken the bait.

I just smile and say "that is great!!" and change the subject.

I have seen how ugly competition between cousins can get. No way do I ever want to go there...

Yes, change your perspective and ditch the sister competition. It is time to let that go.

Be happy for the niece and happy for your dd, this is an exciting time.

If your parents do not come to your dd's graduation then that is something else entirely and has nothing to do with your sister. Perhaps your parents are the ones setting up the rivalry in the first place?

I'd stop giving her so much info about my daughter and if she asked for the info ask her WHY she wants it.

I agree with all of this.

It really doesn't matter if your sister is trying to compete or if you just feel that way. The only way to avoid this frustration is to disengage. Just don't get into the comparisons. Take each child as their own person, celebrate their successes as individuals. (I'm so glad that the girls can still get along and are not buying into this competition!)

I've felt this way from time to time. I have four sisters. We all have children with their various successes and trials. Sometimes its really hard not to compare them. But, really, they are all individuals and are going to have different experiences, opportunities, difficulties and issues.

If your sister wants to compare in her own mind, maybe feel a little superior. So be it. You can't do anything about that. But, you don't need to feel defensive. Your daughter is doing fantastic. Just celebrate that and move on.

 

[disneybound2010]

I can totally relate and 100% sympathize with you! DSis and I found out on the same DAY that we were pregnant, we had the SAME due date and our boys are 1 week apart to the day. From the minute we found out we were pg, Dsis felt the need to compete and it has been this way for 4 years now. DH and I just roll our eyes when she gets on one of her kicks and we later laugh about it with a "consider the source" kind of attitude.I have on occassion called her out for it and asked her why the need to compete when I am just thrilled that we have two VERY happy,healthy children who are each progressing at their own rate. They both excel in different areas and both of them are just beautiful, intelligent little boys. It makes me sad that she feels the need to compete.

One example...DS And DN are both in the Pre-K program in our schools(Pre-K is the new Kindergarten in our area) The whole program is county wide and the curriculum is the same in all schools. I made the "mistake" of calling it preschool one day and she jumped on it that preschool and Pre-K are two completely different things and that DN is far above preschool

 

[Hannathy]

Vent away!!! I sucks. Been there. It is easy to say ignore it, it doesn't matter, and it really doesn't but it is still hard to live with.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm not sure I get the problem. Is your niece supposed to quit school? She certainly can't help she was born first and that her school has different standards or she's smarter.

And it just sounds like your sister was really excited about seeing the college and wanted to share that. I would think that sharing something like that with a sister that was dealing with the same would be appropriate.

I understand that *you feel* as though your daughter is over-shadowed - but you are responsible for those feelings - you need to adjust your outlook. Really other than the possibility of your parents bowing out of attending your daughter's graduation - it sounds like sour grapes.

I thought the same thing. Unless there's more to what your sister is doing, I don't see why you are upset with her.

I don't blame you though for being ticked at your parents for only going to your niece's graduation. That's awful.

 

[luvmy3]

OK - I'm not sure how to handle something.

My DD is almost 17, my DNiece just turned 17. There are about 3 months apart. Neither of them are the problem. They are both pretty similar (smart, active both in school and out)

So - the problem...

My sister is almost making this a competitive situation. I am trying my darndest not to engage - but dang - it is so hard.

My DD is done with the ACT -and she did great. (Although DD's score would not be "good" enough for her DD.) DNiece went on her first college tour this weekend, and my sister made the biggest stinking deal about this. They went to Texas, so made a long weekend of it, somewhere nice, blah, blah blah.

I just need a coping strategy so that I do not feel like my DD is getting overshadowed. Everything DD seems to do, my sister totally overshadows what DD does with DNiece's accomplishments.

Can I give some examples...DNiece, because she is a little bit older, got her driver's license first. DNiece, because of the course offereings at her high school is taking 3 AP classes, DD is only taking 2. DNiece has higher than a 4.0 GPA, due to thier school weighting AP classes differently. DD is not "slouching off" by any stretch of the imagination. Her GPA this semester is 3.94. DNiece will be over a 4.0. Most likely - DNiece will graduate a week earlier than DD, and my parents will come to that graduation, and then be "too bored/tired or whatever" to come to my DD's.

I just need a coping mechanism. And just so you know, DD feels this too, as this has been going on for years. DD and DNiece are the only 2 out of 5 grandkids that graduate in the same year, so they are most often compared.

UGGH.

Regarding the bolded, are these just facts, or has your sis been sort of rubbing this stuff in your face, did she actually say your dd is slouching off? Also, do you really know that your parents won't come to your dd's graduation because they have a pattern of not going to those sorts of things for your dd?
All 3 of my kids have cousins the exact ages and in the same grades and it is natural for us moms and dads to compare them, but we never brag about our own or belittle any of our nieces or nephews accomplishments. I guess I don't quite see that your sis is doing that from what you say in your OP. I could be wrong, of course

 

[Agri]

Stop discussing your daughter's school business with your sister. It's that simple. There's no reason for her to know your daughter's grades, test scores, etc. Keep it simple - let family know about graduation, etc., but keep the rest of the stuff to yourself. It can't be a competition unless *both* parties make it one. When its one-sided, its just an overbearing mother bragging about her child.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm not sure I get the problem. Is your niece supposed to quit school? She certainly can't help she was born first and that her school has different standards or she's smarter.

And it just sounds like your sister was really excited about seeing the college and wanted to share that. I would think that sharing something like that with a sister that was dealing with the same would be appropriate.

I understand that *you feel* as though your daughter is over-shadowed - but you are responsible for those feelings - you need to adjust your outlook. Really other than the possibility of your parents bowing out of attending your daughter's graduation - it sounds like sour grapes.

Unless you've been in the situation with a very competitive relative, it's hard to understand the frustration.

OP, I had-thank God it's had- a SIL like your sister. OMG, everything was a competition. Each time DMIL called and asked her kids and their families to go over for dinner not 5 minutes later the phone would ring and it was SIL calling to ask what time MIL had called us. She wanted to know if she had been called first. Eventually, I just lied so she'd shut up. SIL and DBIL has a son who has Aspergers. No one would invite the kid over, so we'd invite him to play with our son who is a year younger. You'd think that would help-no. She'd come to get him and say she was taking so and so other kid to the movies with her son. She was always trying to get the "in" people's kids to like her son and poor thing he was and is just so socially inept that it wouldn't happen.

 

[Ember]

I have faced a similar situation, but I was the troublesome niece!

My cousin is just a little younger than I am and I always seemed to do the things her parents wanted for her. It was NOT deliberate. Example: When we were younger her parents had her in singing lessons, she took them twice a week and they were very proud of her. Then I got a large part in my school musical, and had never had a formal lesson in my life. My aunt and uncle felt I'd shown my cousin up and tried to tell my mom I should quit the play.

This carried on most of our lives. I did better in school, went to university, etc., etc.. But none of my accomplishments or life choices had anything to do with my cousin, and the only people who felt there was a competition where her parents.

Now that we're both adults, we're very good friends and I think she's wonderful for exactly who she is. But I know her parents often compared us, with her coming in second, because she's told me about it. I'm very grateful that despite the comparisons and competitions, she still loves me!

 

[Longsx3]

OP it can't be a competition unless you allow it to be, I think it is okay for your SIS to share your nieces accomplishment just like you share your DD's.

My DD and her cousin on DH's side are a yr apart to the day, until recently we never lived near family. When DD was 6 we planned her Bday party at the Beach club at WDW. Because we were out of town the party planning began 6 months out, my dad was also terminally ill at the time so I thought he might hang on long enough to attend. I talked to SIL early on and of course they would be there. As it got closer she was distant, shortly before the party my MIL said they would not becoming, they could not afford to give DN such a party and did not think it would be fair for her to attend my DD's. I offered to invite her other GPs and to put DN name on the cake, it was all family and only a few kids, so the DN would not feel left out. Nope would not come. I felt bad that DN missed out on a fun time and frankly I am not sure that kids at 6 & 7 even realize what an "expensive" party is!

 

[scrapquitler]

OK - I'm not sure how to handle something.

My DD is almost 17, my DNiece just turned 17. There are about 3 months apart. Neither of them are the problem. They are both pretty similar (smart, active both in school and out)

So - the problem...

My sister is almost making this a competitive situation. I am trying my darndest not to engage - but dang - it is so hard.

My DD is done with the ACT -and she did great. (Although DD's score would not be "good" enough for her DD.) DNiece went on her first college tour this weekend, and my sister made the biggest stinking deal about this. They went to Texas, so made a long weekend of it, somewhere nice, blah, blah blah.

I just need a coping strategy so that I do not feel like my DD is getting overshadowed. Everything DD seems to do, my sister totally overshadows what DD does with DNiece's accomplishments.

Can I give some examples...DNiece, because she is a little bit older, got her driver's license first. DNiece, because of the course offereings at her high school is taking 3 AP classes, DD is only taking 2. DNiece has higher than a 4.0 GPA, due to thier school weighting AP classes differently. DD is not "slouching off" by any stretch of the imagination. Her GPA this semester is 3.94. DNiece will be over a 4.0. Most likely - DNiece will graduate a week earlier than DD, and my parents will come to that graduation, and then be "too bored/tired or whatever" to come to my DD's.

I just need a coping mechanism. And just so you know, DD feels this too, as this has been going on for years. DD and DNiece are the only 2 out of 5 grandkids that graduate in the same year, so they are most often compared.

UGGH.

Sorry, but I'm so sarcastic that I'd probably say somethign really obnoxious to my sister like "gee, its too bad that Sally is SOOO inferior to Maria. I wish that my daughter were as perfect as yours".

I think that its just a matter of you letting it roll of your back and don't let it bother you. I do think that I would call my parents on it if they really don't want to go to your child's graduation.

I had a cousin who was just about one year older than I was, and in my grandmother's eyes, T was PERFECT. I constantly had to hear about how fabulous she was, she did this, she did that, she did this other thing. Nevermind the things that I did were as fabulous as what she was doing. But T lived out of state, and my grandmother never had to see anything other than her perfectness, while we lived next door, so my grandmother always saw when I wasn't perfect. It did cause lots of issues between my cousin and myself as well as between our parents, all because of my grandmother's mis-interpretations and never seeing the negatives.

 

[WDWisTheBest]

Doctor Phil, doctor Phil, what would you tell us?

Healthy competition is good. Unhealthy competition can be destructive.