A wedding gift WWYD

[teacup princess]

I'm glad you are giving the luggage. I think it is thoughtful and better for close family members to give a gift rather than money anyway. I guess I'm in the minority that doesn't think the request for money is that terrible as long as it is a request and not expected. I don't see it as any different than a registry. I actually thought the registry my SIL did was extremely tacky. She put on her registry several high end items like a $6000 bedroom set, $600 knife set, other furniture, everything high end, name brand, and expensive. I'd rather give money and elude myself into thinking you are maybe using it to put a down payment on a house or to pay down debt rather than just purchase some overpriced status seeking household item that will probably get tossed a few years down the road anyway.

 

[secretpantssam]

I love the luggage as a gift because you know she needs it...it's perfect! And I really enjoy the new poem the other poster wrote.

 

[CynJ]

I really hate giving money as a wedding gift. I'm not great at figuring out if I'm giving too much or not enough. I like being able to go pick something off a registry and go with it.

I would certainly approach your SIL long a couple of weeks before the wedding (especially if they are leaving for their honeymoon immediately after the wedding) and give them the luggage you bought as a gift. If it turns out that they've already gone out and bought themselves new luggage, then your gift can be returned.

 

[DisneyBelle99]

Money is the only thing we have ever given for a wedding. We live in NY, and that is our custom. Once, when my DS was married to a pretentious idiot, who only had really rich friends, he mentioned that the really wealthy people think that giving money is tacky, and they give gifts. We basically ignored him! And when his daughter recently got married, I didn't see anyone give a gift. But, some of those same people might have had it mailed to the Bride's house.

We have also heard that weddings outside of NY, they have gift tables. Never saw one at any wedding. Or maybe I did at one in 62 years?

So, it is not weird to me, but asking for money, yes, that is tacky.
Why not give the luggage as a shower gift? Or is there no shower?

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

Why not give the luggage as a shower gift? Or is there no shower?

The bridal shower was last Saturday. Before that event, I was sent a very specific list of items (via email from the maid of honour) that the bride wished to receive as shower gifts. And I was a good girl and didn't deviate at all from that list....purchasing three of the "exact" items that were indicated.

 

[DWGal210]

The bridal shower was last Saturday. Before that event, I was sent a very specific list of items (via email from the maid of honour) that the bride wished to receive as shower gifts. And I was a good girl and didn't deviate at all from that list....purchasing three of the "exact" items that were indicated.

Does the bride have a registry? Maybe it's just the custom in my part of the world (upper Midwest) but typically brides register before their wedding showers and invitees look to the registry for wedding shower AND wedding gift ideas. I typically buy a gift for the shower, and then give cash at the wedding.

I ask because I guess it would make sense for her asking for specific items if she didn't have a registry in place, or didn't have it done yet.

On the one hand, this is what gift registries are for - - the couple can ask for the things they want, in case someone wants ideas, and it also helps cut down on the chances that they'd get more than one toaster, blender, etc etc etc. The asking for the items isn't what bothers me - what I don't like is when someone says to you, in so many words, "Only the following gifts and/or cash will be deemed acceptable by me."

And also - as the couple are not 22, not in their first homes, etc, I think most guests would figure out for themselves that a cash gift would probably be the best bet. If I had a friend or family member who was getting married in their 30s, 40s, etc, I would assume they already had their house items pretty much in order. Or, in your case as a close immediate family member, you know them well enough to know they have a need for suitcases (as they have borrowed yours in the past). It just makes the whole affair seem like a gift/cash grab. Obviously people are going to give them gifts, but the "tone" of this kind of specific asking always rubs me the wrong way.

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

Does the bride have a registry? Maybe it's just the custom in my part of the world (upper Midwest) but typically brides register before their wedding showers and invitees look to the registry for wedding shower AND wedding gift ideas. I typically buy a gift for the shower, and then give cash at the wedding.

No registry for this particular bride, though its typically the custom here as well. The gift wish list from the maid of honour (which was circulated via facebook) was in response to the inquiries of several other invitees asking about a registry.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I have to say, even thou it was once considered tacky to be "asking" for money, it is the norm, at least around here it is.

I think you should give her the luggage set. I think its a great gift! Just so you know, its not uncommon for close relatives to ignore the monetary request and give a gift instead. I think its great!

 

[crisi]

Give the luggage, and include a note:

Here is your gift,
We thought of you
You asked for cash
That much is true
But cash is generic
and we wanted to show
what you mean to us
and how we want your love to grow
so use this luggage
for travels far and near
and remember always
to hold each other dear.

 

[DisneyBelle99]

The bridal shower was last Saturday. Before that event, I was sent a very specific list of items (via email from the maid of honour) that the bride wished to receive as shower gifts. And I was a good girl and didn't deviate at all from that list....purchasing three of the "exact" items that were indicated.

Good luck, she sounds like a trip! BTW I love the name game.....DEbbie, Debbie Bo Bebbie!

 

[scrapquitler]

Have you considered asking your SIL? I understand where she is coming from. DH and I lived together before getting married. We had merged 2 households and had already done the keep mine, toss yours bit. I have everything I need in my house already. I don't need another coffee maker or toaster.

My suggestion is to ask her. Tell her that you thought she would like the new luggage for her honeymoon. And ask her if she would prefer for you to return the luggage or go ahead and give it to her as the gift.

I would consider doing this, but in the end I would probably give her the luggage as a shower gift and cash for the wedding (that's the norm around here anyway: gift for shower, cash for wedding). And I'm surprised at spending only $75 for a siblings wedding. That seems pretty low to me, but you have to do whatever works for you and I know that not all parts of the country are the same.

 

[Robbi]

The bridal shower was last Saturday. Before that event, I was sent a very specific list of items (via email from the maid of honour) that the bride wished to receive as shower gifts. And I was a good girl and didn't deviate at all from that list....purchasing three of the "exact" items that were indicated.

She sounds like a treasure.

 

[clh2]

A somewhat dissenting opinion.

I would definitely proceed with giving the luggage. HOWEVER - why would you not get a gift receipt? If you were giving the luggage with a gift receipt - then you would be all good!

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

HOWEVER - why would you not get a gift receipt? If you were giving the luggage with a gift receipt - then you would be all good!

I addressed this in one of my above replies. I didn't think to get a gift receipt as it was a unique enough gift that we didn't anticipate her getting a duplicate. We did not foresee that they would specifically request no gifts, just cash. My bad.

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

And I'm surprised at spending only $75 for a siblings wedding. That seems pretty low to me, but you have to do whatever works for you and I know that not all parts of the country are the same.

This isn't an average sibling relationship, in the sense that DH is not close to his five brothers and sisters. They (as well as his parents) have precious little to do with DH, myself, and our DS. Unfortunately, I am the main reason why.....I am not from their specific cultural background, I am not religious enough for their liking, and I am not traditional enough for their tastes (I only had one child, which is taboo for their cultural beliefs, and I work outside of the home). The rest of the siblings have married the "right" people with the "right" heritage and the "right" religious commitment.

Our DS was the only niece and nephew (out of a total of 11 children and teens) who was not asked to have a role in the wedding. DH is the only sibling not asked to be part of the wedding party.

So no, we are not overly motivated to spend tons of money on someone who we only ever see at the obligatory family events, and who has literally nothing to do with our personal family unit. Our DS starts college next year (which means we have tuition in our near future), and we work hard at not carrying any consumer debt. As a result, we won't go overboard on super-generous spending for this particular couple.

And as I mentioned above, while we ended up $75 out of pocket for this particular gift, we were able to purchase it on a great sale. The set retails for $169.95.

 

[jperrot1]

May I suggest returning the gift and giving money. Avoid problems (hard feelings) with family as much as possible. And if you make this decision, remember that it was in fact your decision to give your sister and brother what they want, not theirs.

I think you'll feel better about it when all is said and done........ humility (humble) is good for the being.

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

May I suggest returning the gift and giving money. Avoid problems (hard feelings) with family as much as possible. And if you make this decision, remember that it was in fact your decision to give your sister and brother what they want, not theirs.

I think you'll feel better about it when all is said and done........ humility (humble) is good for the being.

We have actually decided to go ahead and give them the luggage as originally planned.

The gift was selected because we truly wanted to give them something that was personal and well thought out. Despite the odd family relations, our intent was to give a gift that we felt would be enjoyed for years to come. We really do wish them a long and happy life together. I hope that long and happy life includes some fun adventures as they navigate the world together. They will need luggage for that.

I don't see wanting to give a personal gift (versus a cheque or cash) as not being humble .

I realize they have directly asked for money. Had we received those instructions before we purchased the gift, we probably would have conceded and given them the cash they asked for. Hopefully, they will eventually find the luggage to be the blessing we hope it will be. If they don't....well....I'm not going to fret about it.

I also truly hope that two grown adults will not have "hard feelings" about not receiving cash versus a gift (which I thought was a nice gift) for their wedding.

 

[auger]

Wonder why you never see invitations that say,
"We already have everything we need that a couple would normally receive as a wedding gift.
We don't expect you to finance our lives by giving us money.
All we want is for you to come celebrate our wedding with us."

 

[ilovemk76]

I would give the gift. Asking for money is tacky.

 

[Earstou]

Wonder why you never see invitations that say,
"We already have everything we need that a couple would normally receive as a wedding gift.
We don't expect you to finance our lives by giving us money.
All we want is for you to come celebrate our wedding with us."

My DD's invitation was close to this. She said something about how she would rather have those close to her attend the wedding than give a gift.

For those that wanted to give a gift, their gift registry consisted of donations to charities.
DD was in her mid 20s and didn't have a lot of stuff, but she felt like she had enough!!!