A Sensible Dinner - Pearlieq's Journal

[Lesli54]

Good afternoon, Pearlieq!

Don't be too hard on yourself over last nights dinner. Your food for the rest of the day looked pretty good, including the snacks. Besides you are going through a tough time right now with your mom's health and plus side is that you recognize the fact that your dinner was emotional eating. That is a huge plus and will help you keep things in check even when they get carried away.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[pearlieq]

3/18/08

--9:30am

--1 piece banana bread
--6 chocolates

I'm not feeling very well this morning. I'm just depressed and my stomach feels really on edge--I don't know if it's heartburn or nerves or what.

I had this very vivid dream last night about my mother dying--not about losing her, but about her actually dying and all of the stuff you have to do right afterwards. Who says dreams aren't tapped into our subconcious.

4:00pm

--1 medium bowl honey nut Cheerios

I really don't feel good. My stomach keeps feeling like it's clenching and unclenching. I had a very annoying meeting with that same very annoying guy. I don't know what to do--he's a reasonably nice guy and I don't want to get him in trouble, but he keeps showing up late to meetings and is completely unprepared when he gets there, then he totally wastes my time babbling about things that aren't relevant to me while treating me like his secretary. It's to the point where I don't want anything to do with him, which hurts our project. Ugh!

10:20pm

--1 12oz glass 7-Up

Well, I know why I wasn't feeling good. Stomach flu. Yuck.

I feel all cold and weak and discombobulated. Luckily my mom still had some leftover nausea medicine and that helped a LOT! What am I going to do when I can't call my mom when I'm sick?

 

[pearlieq]

3/19/08

8:30am

--1 cup 7 Up

I slept a lot last night, and I'm trying to take it very easy today. Luckily I do feel much better--just a little tired and weak.

I would have loved to take the day off of work, but we've got files we've got to prep and hand over and I can't miss the due date. So I'm going to try to get those done and then spend the afternoon relaxing.

10:15am

--1 turkey sandwich
--1 cup 7UP

I'm finally hungry again. We'll see how this sits.

4:00pm

--1 applesauce cup
--1 piece french baguette
--1 cup 7UP

Ooh--I'm a wild woman! Food that requires silverware!

I'm still very tired and blah, but I think most of the dramatics are over.

7:30pm

--1 cup vegetable soup
--1 piece baguette
--1/2 cup macaroni & cheese
--1 cup 7UP

I'm getting brave--food that requires chewing!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Pearlieq: I am so sorry you are sick! That really stinks but I am glad you are feeling better. I know that rollercoaster you are on right now with your mom, you can get through this but its not easy. I am hopeful the scan will show some hopeful news and just keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers. As for that annoying guy at work, hopefully you gave him your stomach bug germs during the meeting! Feel better and hang in there.


Hope you are having a sweet and happy dream tonight!

 

[Lesli54]

Good morning, Pearlieq!

I hope that you are feeling much better today. It sure doesn't help to be sick when you have so many other things going on. As for your mom and your dreams, just try to take it easy the best you can. To ease the stress, if you haven't done so already, there are alot of "arrangements" that can be planned for years ahead of time which will reduce your anxiety about taking care of everything after she is gone. My DH's aunt had many things planned out and another has almost everything planned out, which really helped the family since neither had their own children. Also, I was there when DH needed help with things after his dad was gone, plus I ended up planning the entire memorial and after service arrangements for my grandmother. It would have been nice if those things were planned ahead of time. I am sending you lots and lots of support to help ease your stress so you can sleep.

On another note, I thought that guy had been carried off by the pink elephants. It does seem like a bit of a quandry with him, but you seem to be good at words, so I am thinking that you can get your point across somehow to show that his behavior is what is hurting the team the most. Too bad, you can't just bypass him.

Good luck with your day and remember to BREATHE, you need to calm those anxieties.

 

[pearlieq]

3/20/08

9:15am

--1 piece french baguette
--most of a cup of chicken/wild rice soup
--1 cup 7UP

Well, that's the last of the 7UP and hopefully the last of the pestilence! I actually feel reasonably human again today.

I checked this morning, and I've lost 6.5 pounds in the last 2 days. Outrageous!

I'm going out for lunch with a friend today--luckily it's just a little diner so I'm sure I can find something easy on the stomach.

12:00pm

--2 peach pancakes w/butter & sugar free syrup

These were pretty good. Lunch with my friend was a little awkward. This is the same friend whose kids I watched. We just kept butting heads--it was like no matter what I said, she had some opinion on it that I completely didn't agree with, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to agree with her, but I wasn't looking to be contentious or start a debate during what was supposed to be a fun lunch either. She's just got such a strong personality and we think different about things. Things were definitely "off". Maybe some more time off with help. I probably won't see her for at least another couple of weeks.

3:00pm

--4 caramels

Well, I've got my appetite back!

5:30pm

--1 handful cheese mini rice cakes
--scant 1/4 cup jelly beans

Wow, I'm playing fast and loose with my crown, aren't I? I was hungry again. I'm finding I don't need many jelly beans to feel satisfied, which is nice.

7:15pm

--large helping egg, sausage, potato casserole
--1 orange
--1 sm slice banana bread w/a bit of margarine.

It feels good to finally cook and be back to normal person food.

9:45pm

--small piece egg casserole
--med piece chocolate chip cake
--1 cup milk

DH brought home a chocolate chip cake for me--he's so sweet. Unfortunately, I feel a little sickly after eating this, even though I was hungry when I had it. Maybe too much, too soon?

 

[pearlieq]

3/21/08

9:20am

--1 serving egg casserole
--1 pc wheat toast w/margarine
--1 apple
--1 cup milk

I'm feeling really depressed today. I know it's just a combo of TOM and a gray, cold day, but it's really dragging me down. The worst of it is that my godson is coming to sleep over and then I'm supposed to go out with his sister and mom prom dress shopping tomorrow. Then it will be Easter. I just have to be "on" for the next 48 hours.

The thing about my godkids' family is that they can be very challenging to deal with--you need to be in pretty good form to handle them. Their lives run on total chaos, and, unfortunately, there really isn't much consideration for anyone else. There are apologies and protestations about slights and inconveniences, but no actual remedy to the situation. It's not like it's a surprise or anything--I've been dealing with them for the last 12 years. You just accept them as they are and try to make the best of it. But I'm going to have to work a lot today to psych myself up to being able to deal with it.

4:00pm

--1 piece egg casserole
--1 pc chocolate cake

7:30pm

--6 (?) squares cheese pizza
--1/2 liter Sierra Mist

10:00pm

--1 rice pudding cup
--a few jelly beans

The night with my godson went OK. He was in high spirits and wanted to play video games all night. It was nice to see him, but it felt more like work than fun.

 

[toystoryduo]

pearlieq~

I hope the weekend goes well for you. TOM and this gloomy weather (especially in combination) can really play havoc on our lives. Sending lots of good thoughts and your way.

Hope you have a Happy Easter!

 

[pearlieq]

3/22/08

9:30am

--1 pc sausage egg casserole
--1 orange
--1 cup milk

Oh my goodness, this kid does not sleep! He didn't go down until after 1 am! I knew I was going to let him stay up late, but I tried the old "let's lay down and watch a movie" trick around 10:45 since I was getting tired. No dice. He stayed up through the entire movie and was even still a little antsy afterwards. I finally had to leave him to his own devices as I was exhaused. Luckily I think he fell asleep pretty soon after I went to bed.

I figured since we had been up so late he would sleep in, right? Again, no dice. The kid barged into the bedroom--no knock or anything--at 7:25am! I told him (nicely, of course) to amscray. He was back again in a hour--again barging in--to see if I was up yet. Unfortunately, by then I couldn't get back to sleep. I was pretty ready for him to go home by then. You'd think a 10 year old would know better, but maybe not? I dunno. I don't think we're going to be doing any more sleepovers anytime soon.

1:15pm

--Indonesian peanut saute with whole grain noodles and tofu.
--1 medium Dr. Pepper

Yum! Noodles & Company with my goddaughter. I handed off her brother to her dad and we went out to hit a couple of stores and grab lunch before her mom got home to join us.

I got to have a really good talk with her--there have been so many things I wanted to talk with her about and make sure she knew. She a smart, savvy girl, but her life is going to change a lot in the next year, and I just really want her prepared.

She found a very pretty dress at one store--totally not what she was looking for, but lovely on her. She put it on hold so she could take some time out to think about it before committing.

4:15pm

--1 McD's caramel sundae

Shopping break. After lunch we went back and got her mom and went to a local mall. I was really shocked at how light the selection was--isn't this prime prom shopping season?

She found one more dress that she kinda liked--it was the color she was originally looking for and it was a very va-va-voom cut, but in the end I don't think it had quite the gravitas that your senior prom dress should have.

So, after a quick snack break, we headed back to the store with the original dress she loved. She showed it to her mom, and it was just the most disappointing reaction. I was so frustrated with her. Her mom either didn't like, or thought it was too expensive, or who knows what, but instead of saying "Oh honey, you look lovely", her mom just began picking apart the dress. She complained about how it was pressed and how a little stitch under the arm was missing and how one of the pickups on the skirt had fallen (which would require a couple of stitches to fix, at most). There was just no joy or happiness or fun at all. Just pick, pick, pick.

I felt so bad for my goddaughter. For her part, she was disappointed, but quite gracious about it. They left the decision up in the air. I hope they come around.

I feel so bad, sometimes, for how she's treated in that family. She's the middle child and the only girl, I think she gets overlooked and slighted all the time. There's so much subtle sexism in that family. Her older bro can get away with murder, and get a lot of things handed to him. Not so for her--so often all she hears is "no".

Her younger brother has behavioral/social issues and her older brother is having some protracted adolescent "failure to launch". She has the (mis)fortune to be responsible and self-sufficient and so is often held to a much higher standard than the others and her needs are often bumped to the very last on the list. I try to advocate for her where I can, but it just butters my buns to see way they take her for granted and neglect to just listen to her. I can't wait for her to get out of there. I know she loves her family deeply, but I think being on her own will bring her a lot more happiness.

10:00pm

--2 cheeseburgers
--1 Mc Chicken
--medium fries
--medium orange soda
--3 cookies

This is tiredness and fatigue here. After finishing up with my goddaughter, I went over to my mom's to do the shopping. Unfortunately, the new cleaning person who was supposed to come today just totally blew the appointment off--no call, nothing. Mom was ticked because she'd gotten up and dressed to meet the woman, and disappointed because she had liked her when she came to do the estimate. Big bummer.

We're not going to be celebrating tomorrow--Mom just isn't up to having plans tomorrow. That made me kind of sad--it's hard to see her get frail. It makes this all seem very real.

I actualy got a little emotional on the way home. A Hollies song came on the radio. Their songs always remind me of her. She loves their music and their sound and messages are just very "her". Just hearing the song set me off and made me really sad about the whole situation. I just can't believe that someday she's going to be gone forever.

 

[pearlieq]

2/23/08

9:30am

--handful of jelly beans

What? It's Easter morning...

10:45am

--4 squares of cheese pizza

Leftovers from the other night. Still not a peep from DH, so I went ahead and got something to eat.

I did notice that I was pretty satisfied with 2 squares, so I stopped there and put the rest aside for a while. I went back to it later, mostly because I was too lazy to get up and put it away, if we're being honest here. I should really challenge myself in the next few weeks to cut portion sizes and see how I do.

2:00pm

--sm piece egg casserole

DH finally got up just before 1pm. I wish I could sleep in that long!

Naturally, he was pushing for lunch, and, as usual, I wasn't that hungry because I'd already ate. Things worked out, though. I managed to steer him into a "smorgasboard" type lunch where he ate up a whole bunch of things that we had leftover. So, double bonus--I got my fridge cleaned out and I wasn't pressued to overeat!

4:00pm

--3 chocolates
--sm handful jelly beans

6:30pm

--3 chicken strips
--1 side macaroni & cheese
--2 biscuits
--1 Mountain Dew

Wow--I really am getting fuller much faster these days. I actually had an extra size to try, and I just couldn't. To be honest, I should have stopped even earlier, but it was in front of me, so, of course, it got eaten.

 

[Lesli54]

Happy Easter! Of course, I waited all day to see the sun and it just didn't show up much. Snow on the ground this morning melted quickly then we had flurries during our egg hunt but it didn't stick. So how is the weather up that way? Did you the 14" of snow that hit Kenosha miss you? It sure doesn't feel like Easter.

Hey, at least you satisfied your DH's lunch with a "buffet" and it is always good if you can clean out the fridge at the same time. The prom dress shopping sounded so sad in the end and I just wanted to cry for the girl. When my DD's and I go shopping we are always concious of the mother's that really don't look at how well an outfit looks on their daughters (or how well it doesn't look). The other day while dress shopping for DD20, I saw one mother tell her overweight daughter that a dress looked great and it was "the one". Sad to say, the dress was a knit that clung and showed everything making the poor girl stand out and look bigger than she really was. I wanted to run to a rack and play "Stacy & Clinton" and find her a dress that fit very well and was flattering to boost her confidence. We have also run into the other side that you have mentioned where a dress is perfect but the parent says "no". I can understand if it is a money issue, but I don't think it always is. Sometimes I think it is a "popularity fashion contest" in the mind of the parent. Hopefully, your goddaughter gets the dress that fits the best.

Glad you are feeling better and it looks like you are trying to keep your portions in check. Wishing you a good evening for the rest of Easter. :

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hi Pearlieq: I have had lunches with friends like the one you had on Thursday and it can be upsetting. You think you just want to have some fun with a girlfriend and it turns into something way too thought provoking. A couple of weeks off will probably do the trick on that one!

And I think its a shame your goddaughter found a lovely dress only to find a lukewarm response from her mom. Things like that really stay with a girl her age. I am glad she has you! Your godson sounds like a challenge to have over! I will tell you that the average ten year old is not that high maintainence thank goodness. That is nice you do so much for your godchildren, they are lucky to have you in their lives.

I am glad you are feeling better, that sounded like a nasty virus! Good job getting your dh to play human garbage disposal, that served a dual purpose! Hope the rest of your weekend was a good one, Happy Easter!

 

[pearlieq]

3/24/08

8:40am

--1 sm bowl Honey Nut Cheerios

Hungry this morning! I didn't eat later last night, even though DH was hinting at pizza. I really do want to experiment with portions--I've got this feeling I could get away with so much less.

Either the pink, sprinkled elephants didn't carry him far enough away, or the camels sold me out and brought him back, because I'm stuck meeting with annoying guy this morning. Hopefully that the only irritation today.

Poor DH is at the podiatrist this morning to follow up on his foot ulcer and there's a good chance he's going to come home in a cast. Should make the WDW trip interesting!

12:30pm

--most of a bowl of beef barley soup
--1 large yeast roll w/1 tub whipped butter & 1 pkt grape jelly
--1 BLT sandwich
--a few bites fresh fruit

Again with the shrinking stomach! I'm uncomfortably stuffed right now. To be honest I could have contentedly stopped at the soup and roll, but that doesn't always work too well when you're in a restaurant and have already placed your order.

It was fun to go out to lunch with DH. He really is such a wonderful man. He's so sweet and funny and he gives me all the room I want to be me. I love spending time with him.

The cast is a go--he gets it this afternoon. He's home today and will be home though at least Thursday. It's supposed to stay on 4-5 weeks, and we're exactly 5 weeks out from our WDW trip, so he may just get it off the day before we go. If not, we'll just rent an ECV and deal.

4:50pm

--sm handful jelly beans
--2 baby carrots
--sm chunk co-jack cheese
--mini bag popcorn

Well, DH is off getting his cast. It's supposed to be pretty sophisticated. He can't walk on it for the first 2 days, but then he's supposed to be able to go everywhere with it. Should be interesting to see.

6:00pm

--1 piece chocolate bundt cake
--1 cup milk

I got pretty snacky this evening

8:00pm

--1/2 order lasagna
--1/2 piece garlic cheese bread
--1 garlic roll
--1 1/2 glasses Coke
--a few bites yucky cannoli

The wheels came off the wagon a bit this evening. DH got home with his cast. Man that thing is big! But, when it cures, he's supposed to be able to walk on it. I feel kind of bad for him, but he'll be OK.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I am betting you can survive Mr. Annoying! Why does every sitation in life have to have at least one pinhead to make things difficult? And I really hope your dh's foot comes out okay. WDW in a cast might be very interesting! If you decide he needs a scooter, get one from one of the offiste rental agencies, they are so much cheaper than renting from the parks. We had to do that for fil, it was a lifesaver. I think it was Walker Rentals maybe. Check out the Disabilities board for great information on touring the parks when you don't have two working limbs/feet!

Portion control is something we all need to work on! Just think about how your stomach feels and go from there. You can do it!

Your trip is so close, have you stayed at BWV before? I love that resort.

I really teared up with your account of hearing the music that made you think of your mom. I know where you are coming from. It is very hard to face the grim reality that a loved one is perhaps nearing the end of life. Maybe your mom will beat this thing, I hope so. But if not, just know that you have been, and will continue to be a wonderful daughter. Its not easy but its good that you are dealing with things in the here and now. I did as well and while the last two months have been beyond hard, my coming to terms with a lot of this set the stage for me surviving it. You will too. In the meantime, I am praying that your mom finds some healing and renewed years with all of this. And I am sending out good thoughts to you too!

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi pearlieq~

How did your meeting go today? I hope it went well.

Did your DH get his cast yet? I hope his foot heals quickly!

I hope you have a great week ahead.

 

[pearlieq]

3/25/08

9:45am

--1/2 piece lasagna
--1 garlic roll
--1 glass Coke

The Coke probably wasn't strictly necessary. I ordered a single can, and they sent a 2 liter last night. I'm trying to eat pretty hearty since I know I won't be eating this afternoon after my dental appointment.

5:00pm

--4 Club crackers
--3 chocolates

I grabbed this quickly because I was starving. I was caught up in a work mini-crisis. Captain Annoying was in rare form this afternoon. He got in touch with me and insisted I call him on his cell (Hello? I work from home and that's long distance.) right away. I was in the middle of trying to get something done for a tight deadline, so I asked if it was an emergency or if it could wait. He insisted I call, so I do, only to find out that he has a stupid, not-at-all-urgent question. Sorry, Annoying Guy, your impatience does not make something an emergency! Jerk. I tried talking to my supervisor about him and he basically acknowledged the guy was a tool but had limited options in dealing with him.

Dentist appointment went OK, I guess. The crown is in. It feels a little funny, but not uncomfortable. I also had the 4 fillings on the bottom. The dentist was trying to push me to do without anesthetic, which I found a little strange. I insisted on the pain meds, and I'm not sure he did a great or thorough job of it, since I still felt a bit of the drilling on one side. DH heard about that and decided he didn't want to go there. Now that I'm done, there's really no reason for us to stay.

6:00pm

--2 large pieces turkey sausage
--6 pierogis
--1 applesauce cup
--2 T sour cream
--1/2 pkt seasoned broccoli & carrots
--12oz Coke
--1 T jelly beans

This was WAY more than I needed! I shouldn't have let DH dish out dinner--I could easily have been fine with half the sausage and maybe even half of the pierogis. But, as usual, it was in front of me, so I ate it.

10:00pm

--1 McD's grilled chicken BLT
--most of a double cheeseburger
--most of a medium order of fries
--2 apple pies
--1 med orange soda

Oh, I wish I had a reason for this. DH was hinting around and I gave in. The sad thing was, I didn't really even want it, except maybe for the pies. They were good. The rest actually made me a little queasy, even while I was eating it. But I kept eating it. I did finally stop with the fries and double cheeseburger, which was actually hard for me. That is so strange--it's hard for me to stop eating something I'm not even enjoying and is even kind of turning my stomach. But at least I did finally stop.

Not my finest hour.

 

[pearlieq]

3/26/08

--9:00am

--1 bowl Honey Nut Cheerios

I had a mildly productive morning. At least I got through the giant stack of paper on my planning desk. I need to fill out some rebate forms and make a few calls today.

12:15pm

--2 chicken enchiladas
--1/2 beef enchilada
--2 chicken or pork falutas
--2 T sour cream
--1 chocolate chip cookie
--1 corn fritter

Yum, yum yum!!! While flipping through one of those coupon magazines, I happened to notice an ad for a local restaurant that had a Mexican buffet lunch. I've been having this mad craving for Mexican food (thanks, Amy! ) for days now, so it seemed like the perfect excuse to endulge.

It was awesome! The food was wonderful and fresh. I was careful to keep portions reasonably and my shrinking stomach contributed to the effort too. I could have eaten another cookie and another million corn fritters, but I quit while I was ahead and I feel good about that.

I got the grocery shopping done this afternoon, and now I'm hoping for a lazy rest of the day. Annoying Guy has only come along to bug me a few times. I'll take it!

4:45pm

--7 Hershey's kisses
--1 T jelly beans
--1 cup Coke
--12 mini cheese rice cakes

Gee, would I like some carbs with my snack? At least this did hit the spot.

6:00pm

--1 portion spaghetti pie
--1 sm piece garlic bread
--1 orange
--large helping broccoli w/a bit of olive oil & parmesan

It was a bit "use it up" dinner. I had a whole bunch of stuff that needed to get used, so I was able to make 2 spaghetti pies--one for tonight, one to put up for later. I also got the broccoli & oranges used up, so score!

7:50pm

--1 T jelly beans
--2 sm caramels

I'm so bummed. My eye problem is acting up again. I got this thing called Giant Papillary Conjunctivits, which is a reaction contact lens wearers get when they wear their lenses too long. It really irritates your eyes. I had to stop wearing lenses completely for 6 weeks and use these steroid drops. Things were going really well, and after my last follow up appointment the doctor said to stop the eye drops and go back to wearing contacts during the day. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like my eyes were ready. I've only tried contacts a couple of times since then and my eyes are so irritated! I guess it's back to glasses for a little while longer. It's OK I guess--I don't mind glasses too much.

 

[pearlieq]

3/27/08 - One month to go!

11:45am

--1 cup hot chocolate
--1 bowl chicken noodle soup
--1/2 turkey bacon wrap
--1 fruit cup
--most of a cheesecake dessert cup

Lunch out with a friend. I didn't mean to wait this long to eat today, but I slept late and didn't have too much of an appetite when I woke up. The food was pretty darn good, but I got full before I could finish my sandwich.

The cheesecake dessert was OK. I wouldn't do it again, and probably should have stopped a few bites before I did.

It's snowy and cold here today. So much for spring! At least we're only one month out from our WDW trip today. I can't wait!

3:00pm

--the other half of my sandwich from lunch

Hungry again.

5:00pm

--munchies (a few kisses, 4 haystacks, some cheese rice cakes, maybe a few jelly beans?)

7:00pm

--1 serving of ham/wild rice casserole
--3/4 cup pineapple
--the last glass of Coke

9:00pm

--1 mini bag popcorn
--7 kisses
--1 T jelly beans

I keep having these munchy fits where I'll search and search for something to eat and I'm not even hungry, really. I'm looking for something to satisfy me, and I'm looking for it in food, but I don't think it's food I want. The food I do eat never delivers the satisfaction that I think it will, and then I go back to searching.

What am I looking for?

 

[goldcupmom]

Gee,Pearlie, I'm hoping & praying for you & your mom. Much to deal with right now.

Mr. Annoying sounds like he needs a swift kick!

Your food hasn't been bad (well, except maybe for McD's). You're going thru a lot & old habits die hard.

Prom shopping sounds like you did very well & that her mom needs a swift kick, too! Would have been hard for me to keep quiet!

Glad the new crown is in & you're through with the Dentist for awhile.

Have a great weekend! I'll try to send some warmer weather your way....

 

[Amy&Dan]

Oh, I wish I had a reason for this. DH was hinting around and I gave in. The sad thing was, I didn't really even want it, except maybe for the pies. They were good. The rest actually made me a little queasy, even while I was eating it. But I kept eating it. I did finally stop with the fries and double cheeseburger, which was actually hard for me. That is so strange--it's hard for me to stop eating something I'm not even enjoying and is even kind of turning my stomach. But at least I did finally stop.

Not my finest hour.

Okay Missy I beg to differ! I think it was a "fine" hour! You evaluated what you were doing. You stopped at one point and realized later that the pies were the best part. This is a process, and during this meal you may not have eaten the best choices, but you stopped, you thought and therefore you learned! Thats what its all about.

You and I have so much the same eating habits! I think you are really making some serious progress with all of this. Given your stress with your mom that is really saying something.

Mr. Annoying needs to be put on the same slow boat to China that my ds' Mrs. Female Dog Teacher needs to be put on! I swear, the world would be so much nicer if only all the annoying idots would just disapper.

Keep on doing what you are doing, I for one am proud of you! And still keeping you and your family in my prayers. Its not easy I know.