A Sensible Dinner - Pearlieq's Journal

[toystoryduo]

Good morning pearlieq~

Hope you had a good weekend and that you have a great week ahead!

 

[pearlieq]

Whew! It's been a busy few days. Friday we were judging a high school business competition which is tough work, but inspiring.

The weekend is mostly a blur of taking care of mom's stuff and dealing with DH, who was sick yet again. He seems to be a on a 3 on, 3 off plan at the moment. He's sick for a couple of days, better for a couple of days, then sick all over again. Hopefully this is it for a while.

Meanwhile, Diana and Magellan had to go in to get their teeth cleaned ($$$), and while they were there they found a kidney infection in Diana. So, they send her home with antibiotics. All goes well for about a day, then someone (we assume her) starts getting sick at night. And, of course, she stops eating. She's been doing this on and off for the past several months. The first time she starved herself down to about 6 1/2 pounds! She got back to about 8 1/4 lb, but now she's down in the high 7's again. I don't know what we're going to do with her. I have an anorexic cat.

And on the topic of teeth, I got myself together at the end of last week and finally made a dental appointment to deal with a problem tooth. I get there and find out that not only is the problem tooth missing a chunk (necessitating a crown), but that I also have 6 other small cavities and the beginnings of gum disease. Lovely.

So, I go on Monday to get the gum cleaning, 2 of the fillings, and the crown prep done. I don't normally mind the dentist too much, but the drilling kind of got to me this time. Plus, the pain meds didn't quite numb me the first time around, so I felt some of the drilling. The dentist stopped and gave me more medicine right away, but I was paranoid after that and had a hard time relaxing. It was not exactly a barrel 'o laughs. My mouth was really sore last night after the anesthetic wore off.

Also in there, I saw the counselor I started seeing when mom got sick. I'm really glad I started going, because there's now way I could have dealt with everything that happened with my mom, becoming her caregiver, and DH's mom's illness and death without some professional help!

I don't see her as frequently anymore since I've learned to deal with my mom's stuff, but I still check in every once in a while. We were talking this time about my weight and a the general feeling of directionlessness/purposelessness I feel very often. She mentioned that I say "no" a lot, mostly to myself. She's totally right. I'm always saying no--it's almost always my first answer to anything.

I think it cuts me off from a lot, but it also causes problems with my food and weight. Food is one of the only things I say "yes" to, and I say "yes" way too much. I say "no" to going out, to treating myself to something, to doinig things, but "yes, yes, yes" to cookies. I won't let myself spend $20 on a manicure, but I'll spend $20 on a pizza without thinking anything about it.

She suggested that maybe learning to say "yes" to the world and myself a little more might help me to stop compensating for feeling deprived, bored, and unengaged by saying "yes" to food. It's a big, compelling idea to think about.

 

[pearlieq]

3/11/08

8:00am

--2 pieces cheese pizza
--1 garlic breadstick

10:00am

--large slice raspberry coffee cake

Not a great start to the morning at all. Leftovers from the previous night's bender.

2:30pm

--2 single bags Ruffles
--many, many frosted animal cookies

Still doing good.

6:00pm

--1 ham steak
--large bowl macaroni & cheese
--1/2 pkt baby vegetables.

7:45pm

--1 cup Grand Light ice cream.

Not a great day at all. I wasn't really thinking about what I was eating or even eating proper meals. It was just a full day of irresponsible self indulgence.

At least we cooked dinner in tonight. And I didn't get sugar soda. That's about the best I can say.

I'd like tomorrow to be a lot better. I suppose that needs to start with a decent breakfast and keeping on top of journaling. It's so easy to let that go, especially when I'm letting myself go. I need to stay comitted to journaling, even when things aren't going well at all.

10:30pm

--1 french bread pizza

 

[pearlieq]

3/12/08

9:15am

--1 PB&J on wheat
--small handful Sun Chips

It's going to be an annoying day at work. We have these reports we pass back with another team and for some reason they're allowed to sit on them for weeks, but when they come back to us for our turn, there's a big fire drill and we're given a ridiculously short timeline. Ugh.

I'm going to have a big salad with grilled chicken for lunch--I'm really looking forward it. Yum!

1:00pm

--the aforementioned big chicken salad

This was good, but not as wonderful as I'd been hoping. Oh well. I found I don't like the fake "grill" taste on the grilled chicken strips and have to remember to buy the oven roasted kind next time. I think tomorrow I'm going to try to make an Asian chicken salad with mandarin oranges, almonds, crunch noodles, and sesame dressing. I hope it's good.

2:30pm

--at least a dozen frosted animal cookies

This was stress and anger. I'm having a crappy day at work and one of the guys our team has to work with is just full of inappropriate requests. We have an online repository of documents that we all work with, becuase the files we have are huge and it's best to keep them in one central spot. I finished my part and sent this guy a notice that it was done and it was time to do his part. He send me back an email and wants me to send him the file. Hello??? I'm not your secretary. The rest of us use the central file repository--why should I have to take time out of my day to pull the file down, zip it, and mail it to him just be cause he doesn't like using the file bank. That's not my problem.

If it were just the odd request, it wouldn't be a problem, but we're getting all kinds of pressure from them to do things that aren't our job--things they should be doing. So it makes small things like this just that much more irksome.

I didn't handle it well. First I ate a bunch of cookies, but that didn't make him go away. Then I wound up being passive-aggressive about it. I sent him the file, but I sat on his request for almost 3 hours even though I could have done it right away. I'm not proud of that. I just don't know if I'd get any support if I pushed back. It seems so petty, but I'm really annoyed.

4:30pm

--1 small bowl honey nut Cheerios.

I was kind of between munchy and hungry when I got this. I thought I'd try the small bowl and see if it would satisfy me. I told myself I could always get seconds if I wanted it.

Right after I sat down with this, Magellan jumped up on the kitchen counter and started licking my salad plate from lunch. So, I got up to shoo him down and figured that was as good a time as any to start a load of dishes. I forgot all about my cereal! Which I guess was my first clue that I didn't really need it.

It was pretty mushy by the time I got back to it.

DH called and said he was on his way home and offered to treat us to Dairy Queen tonight. Hopefully I'll find something tasty but not too outrageous. Maybe I'll see if he wants to go to the library or something afterwards. I wouldn't mind a change of scenery tonight.

5:40pm

--2 DQ double cheeseburgers
--1/2 of DH's fries
--small dipped cone

I probably had no business ordering 2 doubles. They weren't that big, but I probably should have stuck with singles. They weren't bad, though. I did resist eating the bread that came with DH's meal and I got a small ice cream.

After dinner we were going to go play bingo at a local American Legion, but we didn't get farther than the door. Even though IL went smoke free on Jan 1 (yay!) this place was either ignoring the rule or still suffering from years of smoking patrons. We opened the door and the cigarette smoke just hit us like a wall! We turned right around and hightailed it out of there. I think we'll look for somewhere else to play.

8:00pm

--2 sm pieces sf cake loaf
--1 mini bag popcorn

This was more about wanting munchies than being hungry. The sugar free cake is amazing! The company is called Hill & Valley and they have it in the bakery section at many grocery stores and Wal-Marts. Their products taste so, so good.

DH and I amused ourselves playing Wii games for a while, then settled in for some TV before bed. I think this is it for food.

 

[Lesli54]

Good morning, Pearlieq!

Sounds like you have sick people and cats everywhere you turn. Hopefully, they will all get past it soon. I must say, I love your counselors take on the food thing and the feelings that are associated with your "no" and food. It makes alot of sense. I know before I started losing weight the first time, I was denying myself alot of life's little indulgences, but not the ones in the cupboard. I also, know that once I started using mini goals for weight loss and "rewarded" myself with life indulgences such as a manicure, then I didn't feel near as deprived, so I wasn't turning towards the food. So it does make a lot of sense. I guess we could also look at it as saving alot of money.....a $20 manicure once a month (even every week) is definitely cheaper than the extra food. Great point to ponder.

As for the other day, true it wasn't balanced well at all, but it looks to me to be less food at the same time. Just hang in there, it takes time and work. One goal at a time. Hope you have a great day! :

 

[pearlieq]

3/13/08

9:15am

--1 pkt oatmeal
--2 mini boxes raisins
--1 yogurt cup

Yum. I was really hungry this morning. I think I'm going to try making my Asian chicken salad for lunch and then we're going to have ravioli for dinner. I'm sure there will be snacks in there as needed.

It's going to be another annoying day for work. Something about this one contact guy I have to work with just sets my teeth on edge. It like he thinks he's a superior to me, and that's so not the case. Plus, we keep having to re do things because one of our project managers made decisions. So today I've got to go fuss with data for about 9000 separate items. Too fun...

11:45am

--1 SB bar.

I had run out to do some errands and wound up getting super hungry on the way to the grocery store. I was contemplating McD's as it was the only close place, but couldn't think of anything that I wanted or that I would feel good about eating. Luckily, I remember I still had one of these bars in my purse from last week! Yay! I should remember to keep a stash there for the future.

1:00pm

--big Asian salad with chicken, tomatoes, carrots, almonds, mandarin oranges, chrunchy noodles, and Newman's Sesame Ginger Dressing.

This wasn't bad. Definitely a change of pace for me--the dressing was spicy and very different from what I usually eat. It's nice to change things up every once in a while.

The only problem is, it's an hour later and I'm hungry again! I should try to wait it out, but I don't want to get so hungry that I make bad choices.

Lesli, you totally cracked me up about the cookies. At least my afternoon meeting will be much more fun as I'm imagining my annoying guy carried off by a horde of pink, sprinkled elephants.

2:00pm

--sm handful grapes
--sm handful cashews

4:15pm

--1 string cheese
--1 sm bowl Honey Nut Cheerios

Starving again. My meeting was really frustrating. This project is just being managed so badly, and it's usually us on the team that have to pay for it. No one is organized, we keep having to re do things, and we get sent off on wild goose chases for information no one uses.

On the upside, none of that is particularly bothering me right now, because I'm nice and relaxed after taking a walk. It was just such a pretty day, I needed the stress relief, and I want to "train" a bit for our WDW trip at the end of April. I had a nice 30 minutes around the neighborhood. It was slow and I'm hopelessly out of shape, but it felt good.

7:15pm

--13 cheese ravioli w/sm amt of sauce
--2 small breadsticks (not that great)
--peas
--1/2 cup grapes

Dinner. I was darn hungry by then. Poor DH. After badgering him for weeks, I finally got him to go see a podiatrist about the sore on his foot. With the diabetes you just can't play fast and loose with this kind of thing. It turns out the sore is really deep and is aggravated by pressure, so he now has to wear a walking cast for the next 4-6 weeks! We're not sure if he's going to be back to normal for our WDW trip or not, but we'll make it work one way or the other. I feel so bad for him.

9:30pm

--handful of rf Triscuits
--2 oz neufchatel cheese
--3 mini boxes raisins
--1/4 cup Starburst jelly beans

Hungry again. That always happens when I cook a decent dinner at home. I happened to pick up another bag of the Starburst jelly beans at CVS because I needed filler for a coupon transaction. Unfortunately, I was merrily eating them when my temporary crown popped right off! Oops. I didn't think of jelly beans as a particulary sticky food. Back to the dentist with me tomorrow, I guess.

 

[Lesli54]

Good morning, Pearlieq!

Looks like your day for food went pretty well yesterday. It is good that you are starting to analyze your choices and the effects they have on your mood. I laughed at the part where the animal cookies didn't make the guy from work go away, but it would have been funny to see him carried off by an entourage of elephants, hippos, lions, and camels. I also liked how you analyzed the need for the bowl of cereal. Progress, one step at a time.

Let me know how your Asian salad comes out. It sounds very tasty.

Wishing you luck on dealing with stress at work.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Pearlieq: I am glad you have a counselor to check in with sometimes, I should have done that with my mom's illness! That is an excellent point she made about saying "no" to you. I think that many of us do that. I think your food this week has looked pretty good, you had some salads, oatmeal and some other healthy things, so good job. Sounds like work is stressful and thats got to be tough to deal with. I think you are making progress! Just say yes to yourself more often and I'll bet good things will happen!

 

[toystoryduo]

Pearlieq~

I'm sorry to hear about the situations with work. I hope it gets better for you soon.

Great job on getting that walk in yesterday!

Hope you have a great weekend!

 

[Lesli54]

Isn't it great that spring is almost here?

I had to laugh about the pink icing elephants and your guy at work, that was hillarious. Ahhhhhh...the power of food.

You mad a great choice on skipping McD's and grabbing a better snack instead. I also love your choice for the other snacks, much healthier and at least not empty calories.

Training for WDW is a good thing and it has to feel great to get out and walk after this long winter. I wish I had started earlier for our trip to Rome since I know there will be more walking. Maybe I can just move some more to get a little more "conditioned".

I hope your day today is a good one.

 

[pearlieq]

3/14/08

8:45am

--1 pkt oatmeal
--1 mini box raisins
--1 banana
--1 yogurt cup

I was so hungry, but trying to find something I could eat very carefully. The spot where the temporary crown popped off doesn't really hurt, but it's very sensitive to cold, especially liquids. Luckily this breakfast wasn't too uncomfortable to eat.

I'm not sure I'm going to keep seeing this dentist. He seems really nice, and his office staff is also really nice, but there are a couple of things that bug me. One is that they seem to have a bit more focus on sales than I really like. They had me fill out this stupid "smile evaluation" form which was basically a thinly-veiled lead sheet for cosmetic dentistry. They also tried to sell me a $150 toothbrush while I was there. They didn't pressure a lot, but I just found the constant reminders kind of annoying.

My other beef is that they have what I would consider to be an overly restrictive cancellation policy. I was a bit taken aback when I first signed it, because they require 48 hours of notice or you're socked with a $50 charge! That was bad enough, but when I called last night to leave a message about the crown, their voicemail message said "this voicemail box does not accept cancellations". So not only do you have to cancel 48 hours ahead of time, but you also have to do it during business hours.

I understand the guy is trying to run a business and make a living, but life just doesn't worth that way. What if you wake up sick? What if something comes up on Friday that will keep you from your Monday appointment. You can't leave a message to cancel--are you out of luck? I really don't like the policy and I don't think we'll stay.

1:00pm

--3 chicken & cheese quesadillas
--barbecue sauce for dipping
--handful of baby carrots
--1 banana
--2 sf chocolate covered wafer cookies.

The hygenist put my temporary crown back on and gave me some extra cement to use at home if it happens again. I was going to grab some lunch at the Thai place next door to the dentist, but they weren't open yet, so I wound up just coming home. Maybe we'll go out tonight.

It's actually looking to be a pretty quiet afternoon for me, and that's just the way I like it!

3:30pm

--6 animal cookies
--1/4 cup jelly beans (chewed VERY carefully on the right side only)

Sugar craving. It didn't get any farther than this, though.

7:00pm

--3 pieces pan cheese pizza
--2 pieces regular sausage pizza
--1/4 of a 20oz bottle of coke.

We tried the new pan pizza from Papa Johns, but I didn't care for it that much. It wasn't inedible, but I wouldn't rush out to do it again. The sauce was quite spicy and I found the crust kind of bland and greasy. I like their regular crust--it's nice and chewy. I don't recall having had their sausage pizza before, but I also won't be doing that again soon. It tasted like breakfast sausage, which was just very odd on pizza.

My &*^%$ temporary crown popped out again! I was so annoyed--I wasn't eating anything chewy or sticky. Just soft pizza crust on the pan pizza. I ran out and got some denture adhesive and popped it back in, but then finishing the Coke was too uncomfortable, so I put aside to save.

On the upside, I don't think I ate anymore that night.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Your dentist sounds like mine! Which I might add I am through with! I do remember once my daughter woke up vomitting, I called and they said no problem. Then Dr. Dentist with the fake tan and fake smile calls and says I'll be billed $50. No problem I say, I'll just go ahead and come in and dd can barf during the cleaning and expose them to her crud. Never did get that bill I might add!

Your food looked really good, you are doing very well with this. Keep that up, you can do this!

I hope you enjoyed that quiet afternoon, you deserved it! Have a great weekend.

 

[pearlieq]

3/15/08

8:30am

--2 pieces sausage pizza
--the rest of the Coke

Well, that's a healthy breakfast! Weekends are so hard to schedule. DH usually sleeps in, and sometimes I try to wait him out before breakfast, but usually right after I cave and finally eat something, he comes down the stairs and is hungry.

The dentist called back this morning. I have to go in at 2:40 to have this thing cemented back in. I'm kind of frustrated with it. I hope the real crown isn't like this. That would be so annoying to have to deal with for the rest of my life!

11:00am

--1 sausage biscuit w/cheese
--1 order hotcakes w/sausage, butter, & syrup.

OK, not the best choice I could have made. But I did skip getting a second sandwich, hashbrown, or Coke, so there is that. Even so, that's a lot and I probably won't want to eat for a while. Which is just as well, as I'm going to try to wait as long as possible so the tooth cement can set.

1:45pm

--1 piece sausage pizza
--1 piece pan pizza

I actually wound up kind of hungry again before my appointment and since I knew I wasn't going to be eating for 3 hours after the appointment, I figured I'd be eat something before I left. They were able to pop the temp crown back in and it feels pretty good, actually. Hopefully it holds this time! I won't be eating again until after 6:00pm, but then the rules are only soft food and only chewing on the right. This is going to be a fun 10 days until my real crown comes in.

9:00pm

--1 Meximelt
--1 soft taco supreme
--1 chicken fiesta burrito
--1 sf chocolate

I was soooooo hungry! I went over to my mom's late in the afternoon to do the grocery shopping. We talked for a while and by the time I was back from the store it was almost 8:00pm, so dinner was very late. At least the crown stayed put!

 

[Lesli54]

Good evening, Pearlieq!

Sorry to hear about your crown problems. I don't think you will have a problem with the permanent one and if it does keep popping off then you really do need to get another dentist. It's horrible that these cancellation policies exist. Our dentist doesn't charge cancellation fees. I think that is mainly because he usually fills the time slots with last minute problems that people have. You will get it worked out though.

Have fun finding soft foods. Or you could look at it as a new weight loss plan. Not exactly one that I would want to keep for long, but hey whatever works right? Hope the rest of your evening is much better.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I hear you on the weekends and how they just mess up your normal routine! I totally blew it today myself. Hopefully this crown thing will be worked out soon, when the teeth hurt, the whole body does! Hmm, soft foods, maybe pasta, rice, yogurt, eggs, ICE CREAM ? Just try to do the best you can, its temporary, and you have no choice to eat anything but soft foods so you just have to know that if you can't always find good choices, its not really your fault due to the limitations. This too shall pass!

Hope the rest of the weekend is pain free with your tooth and you have some time for something fun and relaxing!

How is your mom?

P.S. You and I love the same kinds of foods. If we ever go on vacation together we might be a very naughty influence on one and other!

 

[pearlieq]

3/16/08

9:30am

--1 banana

I slept in this morning a bit then made a CVS run. I'm getting kind of hooked on this! I scored free chocolates, lip gloss, and mouthwash this morning. It was pretty darn cool!

10:00am

--1 Wendy's chicken biscuit
--1/2 medium Dr. Pepper

Oh, the things we do for children we love. My goddaughter and godson had a Winter Guard competition at a local high school today, so guess who sat in on wooden bleachers in a stifling gym and watched people twirl flags for 6 hours today? My tucchus still hurts!

I was very glad to get to see them since we don't manage to connect often. My goddaughter is 18 and graduating this year. She really is my little sister. She's leaving right after graduation to march with a drum corps all summer and she won't be back but about 10 days before she goes off to college. Time is really slipping away.

My godson is 10 this year and I can tell his "little boy" days are numbered as well. Pretty soon he won't be wanting hugs all the time and won't be begging to sleep over at our house on a Friday night. They grow up so fast (and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... )

1:00pm

--2 hot dogs
--1/2 brownie

Lunch from the concession stand.

5:30pm

--1/2 coffee cake muffin

I was soooooo hungry! We were waiting for my goddaughter to wrap things up and I was starving. Luckily I still had this left over from breakfast and convinced myself that half would do. It's darn tasty--I'm quite impressed with it for being part of a Wendy's combo meal.

7:00pm

--3 Bellini iced teas
--1 helping salad w/Italian dressing
--3 breadsticks? Maybe 2, but knowing me it was probably 3.
--whole wheat linguine with alfredo (about 2 cups)
--3 Andes mints

Olive Garden for dinner. This really was very tasty--I haven't been there in a while. They do the whole wheat linguine pretty well. I figure with that maybe the alfredo will only shave 5 minutes off of my life instead of 10. Right?

9:30pm

--2 chocolates

That's my plan for dealing with my free chocolates from this morning. 2 at a time. We'll see how well that goes, but for now I'm quite content.

In good news, thus far, the temporary crown has stayed put.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. Mom told me this weekend that her oncologist told her that her tumor markers had come back high in her blood work from last month. They checked them again on Friday and she should find out the results on Monday. If they go back down, they write the elevation off to normal fluctuations and they just keep an eye on it.

If they're up again, then they're pretty sure the cancer is active somewhere. Her last scan looked clean, so I guess they would think it's either too small to find or in her blood or something where they can't detect it on the PET scan. If it's active, it means the medicine she's taking is not working. There's only one more medicine they can try, then after that chemo is her only option.

I don't know how she could deal with another round of chemo. I don't really know if she could keep working during that, but I don't think she can afford to go on disability or retire.

The whole situation is just really bad. What kind of stinks worse is that people, myself included, want to make it seem like it's really going to be OK or there's really some silver lining or happy ending. Some kind of cosmic safety net that somehow makes it less bad. And there just isn't. She's sick, in pain, and will barely be able to scrape by for the rest of her life, if she's lucky. There is no upside. There is no good news.

Isn't that a cherry note on which to leave off? I know I can't solve the whole problem, but I'm still hoping for good news tomorrow. Whatever that may be.

 

[pearlieq]

3/17/08

9:15am

--1 ham steak
--1/2 coffee cake muffin
--1 cup milk

Kind of an improvised breakfast, but it was what we had and it was quick. I've got to run to my eye doctor appointment. Hopefully everything has cleared up and he can OK me for contacts again.

1:45pm

--1/2 sandwich--cheese & jelly on wheat bread
--handful Sun Chips
--1/2 cup cottage cheese
--1/2 cup applesauce
--1 cup vegetable barley soup
--2 chocolates

This was a good lunch. I'm still trying to stick with soft things and remind myself only to chew on the right, and so far the temp crown is staying put.

We've got a big fire drill going at work (yet again). Super fun. Oddly enough, though, it's not bothering me that much. I'm going to get what I can done today before our application shuts down at 5, and I'll deal with the rest tomorrow.

I think dinner tonight is going to be an egg casserole with sausage, potatoes, and cheese. I'll make some banana bread this afternoon and we'll have that and fruit on the side. Guess who has eggs and bananas to use up!

4:00pm

--3 more chocolates.

I heard from my mom. The tumor markers are up. Next step is another PET scan to see if they can see any growth.

Chocolates will not take my mom's cancer away. Chocolates will not take my mom's cancer away. Chocolates will not take my mom's cancer away...

6:00pm

--1/4 cup cashews
--6 dried apricot halves

I was getting a little peckish, so I figured I should eat something because dinner is still a couple of hours off. The banana bread is in the oven and I'll get the eggs together and ready to go in right after.

7:00pm

--another chocolate

8:00pm

--1 beef & cheddar, minus the top bun
--grilled chicken sandwich, minus part of the bun
--way too many curly fries
--medium Dr. Pepper
--1 apple turnover
--2 pieces banana bread

Well, this is pretty much a bonafide emotional-eating binge. I don't really feel any better.

 

[goldcupmom]

Add me to the 'I HATE DENTISTS' club! I've never had a temp crown come off, thankfully, as I have a mouth of crowns. That must be horrid!!! I dont' like that cancellation policy either. I'd look for another dentist for sure. YOu never know what will happen.

Perm crown shouldn't come off. If it does, like Amy said, get a new dentist for sure. Meantime, soup???? soft pasta???? Ice Cream!!!!!!!

Praying for good news for your mom. Terribly hard time for you!

Hang in there..........

 

[Amy&Dan]

Pearlieq: I so understand about your mom's blood work/tumor markers. I lived that emotional roller coaster wtih my mom for six and half years! I will really keep my fingers crossed for you and her and say a prayer for the family. Your food looks good, great job getting whole wheat pasta at Olive Garden. I would never do that, good for you!

Keep us informed on your mom and hang in there.

 

[toystoryduo]

pearlieq~

We'll be keeping your mom in our thoughts and prayers. Please update us when you can.