A question for parents of teens...

[onelilspark]

When I was a teen, I was terrified of getting pregnant, which kept me pretty far away from having sex. That being said, my Mom drilled into me that any guy I'm with should respect me, I deserve a guy who's going to be there for me, etc etc. She also made it clear anytime we were watching something with a teenage mom that if I were to find myself in that position, the first thing I should do is go to her because it would not change how much she loved me.

So yeah, I think it's a nice thought to think all teenagers are going to wait...but they're probably not. The worst thing you can do is make your child think you're going to reject them if they make a bad decision.

 

[NHdisneylover]

We have several generations of folks in our family who lived together before marriage, obviously being sexually active with each other. My husband's dad taught him that marriage is too important to take chances with by marrying someone you don't know really, really well.

Since everyone I knew seemed to be living together, I didn't think twice about moving in with my man. We lived together for 3 years, before he proposed. Now it's been another fifteen years, and it's only getting better.

As for my kids - well, my husband and I are involved with teaching our church's sex ed program and it's very comprehensive, and not at all abstinence-based. In one lesson we actually help the kids rank sexual behaviors on a continuum, with abstinence on one end and intercourse on the other. Then the kids decide together where everything else they can imagine falls in between. For example, a friendly hug. That's pretty close to abstinence. Kissing... that's a little further down the line. Heavy petting. Can we define that? And where does oral sex fit in? Every kid is told that they will have to decide where on the line they want to be, and at what point will they say, "I will go this far, but no further." Some kids may decide to go all the way. That's their choice, but we'll do our best to make sure they have all the information they need to accurately assess the risks.

We talk about sex a lot in our household. Maybe too much! My daughter has decided she's not having sex until she's twenty-five, and my son covers his ears and runs out of the room whenever the topic comes up.

I'm curious--is that the OWL program you husband and you are involved in teaching?

 

[NMAmy]

The worst thing you can do is make your child think you're going to reject them if they make a bad decision.

I really agree with this statement. I wanted my kid to come to me if she ever got into a bad situation and trust that I would still love her even if she did something I didn't agree with.

 

[Magpie]

I'm curious--is that the OWL program you husband and you are involved in teaching?

Yes! Have you taken part in it?

 

[powellrj]

I have drummed lots of things into my kids heads over they years, but they pick and chose what they listen to.

My oldest DS came to me a few weeks ago and asked me if it were OK if he made me a grandmother now. Keep in mind he is 28 years old and has been married for 2 years. I said of course, he said he just wanted to make sure because he remembers what I big deal I made about not wanting to be a grandmother. I told him that was when he was 17, not 28! I hope he was kidding..... I think he was anyway!

 

[Magpie]

I really agree with this statement. I wanted my kid to come to me if she ever got into a bad situation and trust that I would still love her even if she did something I didn't agree with.

There was an unfortunate case a couple years back where a young man was convincing girls (12 to 15 yos) to show themselves topless online. Then he was using their pictures to blackmail them into showing him more, and in some cases into having sex with him.

This went on for FAR too long, because the girls were all afraid to say anything to their parents. It was really sad.

My daughter's reaction to the case was great - she said, "This is just like those dumb soaps where they don't confess right away and then everything just gets a whole lot worse."

 

[sunnyday123]

I really agree with this statement. I wanted my kid to come to me if she ever got into a bad situation and trust that I would still love her even if she did something I didn't agree with.

Exactly. About 12 or so years ago, there was a young couple that went to the college here-she got pregnant, they hid it, delivered the baby in a hotel room and threw him in the trash. She (they) were afraid to tell their parents. I will never tell my daughter that having sex before she's married, or using some form of birth control is wrong, or make her think she's a disappointment for doing either. Would I like her to wait until she's out of high school? Absolutely. Do I expect her to wait until she's married? Absolutely not. But I'm not so self righteous to expect her to do something I didn't do, and to judge her unfavorably if she does.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes! Have you taken part in it?

A little. I taught one session of it. I have said several times that one of the biggest drawbacks to moving overseas (perhaps THE biggest) is there is no church around here that uses OWL--and I so wanted my kids to go through the program (as much of it as possible).

Good for you for teaching

 

[marcyinPA]

Do I expect her to wait until she's married? Absolutely not. But I'm not so self righteous to expect her to do something I didn't do, and to judge her unfavorably if she does.

I had pre-marital sex, but I am encouraging my DS's to wait until marriage. I don't look at that as being self-righteous. I look at it as having had an experience that maybe I regret and wanting more for my kids than I had.

In my case, my DH was my first and only, but we did not wait until we were married. But in many cases, people have multiple partners and I can see how this can become regretful at some point. I want more than that for my kids....so much so that I feel no shame in encouraging them to do something that I did not do myself.

 

[rie'smom]

I was reading the other thread asking about how you felt when you discovered your son was having sex. That got me to thinking...are there still parents (like myself) who have drummed it into their teens (and preteens) that abstinence and remaining a virgin until marriage (or at least until mature and in a long-term committed relationship) is the way to go? I'm sure the first impulse is to say, "oh, you are dreaming if you think that will happen with your teen", but I don't think I am.

I talk with my 17 y/o daughter who is a HS senior (and dating a 20 y/o college sophomore) about guys, relationships, and sex very regularly, and she has made it very very clear to me she has no intention of engaging in anything for a very, very long time...in fact, I believe her exact words were, "if he would try that, he'd be taking his **** home in a jelly jar". She has very strong feelings about premarital sex, and I believe her (and am so proud and happy) that she wants to wait until she's married. But from reading that thread (and just from talking to others, and hearing what she says kids talk about in school), she is definitely in the minority.

My friend's daughter said the same thing that your daughter said. She did not feel the need to put her daughter on birth control since she was not active. Today, she is the proud grandmother of a new 2 week old baby girl. Oh and her abstaining daughter is 17. She had been having relations.

To answer the OP, I wish my daughter would wait until marriage but I'm realistic so she's on the pill. I got pregnant at 17 for my oldest child and don't want that for her.

 

[disykat]

We believe sex is made for marriage.

However, I'm not so naive to think that any of my children will make it. I can teach and talk as much as I want, but the numbers are against me (and so are the hormones). So we talk a TON about abstinence and why we wish for them to wait. And then we talk about birth control and safe sex. And then we talk about consequences of sex outside of marriage and unplanned pregnancies.


And then we hope they listened

Same here. We waited because we felt strongly about it. (and we were decidedly NOT young!) We encourage our children to do the same. That doesn't mean we don't acknowlege that they will need to make their own choices. We certainly talk about birth control, safe sex, etc. so they will be armed for whatever choices they make.

For me, it really wasn't about "religion" at all, but about honoring the marriage commitment. I had many years to think about it, and just didn't feel right when I knew this wasn't going to be my life partner.

For us it's about consciously making decisions that will be God pleasing, not that we think we'll be damned when we fall short. Our kids know they will be loved either way, by us and by God.

 

[smb6]

I don't believe in sex outside of marriage. I instill those values into my kids and so far, so good. Yes, I partially believe/feel this way for my personal religion reasons. But also for the fact of sexually transmitted diseases and unwed pregnancies.

 

[MrsPete]

Oh, yeah! I don't think good physical chemistry automatically exists between every man and woman. And really, when you first fall in love, that's when the chemistry is at its peak. If you don't enjoy each madly then, what are the odds you going to after you have children?

I totally disagree about chemistry being at its peak when you first meet. Your physical -- oh, what's the right word? -- physical abilities may be at their peak then, but emotions only grow stronger as years of marriage pass by. Since sex is as much emotional as it is physical, things do improve as a couple grows together.

If you have absolutely nothing to compare it to, then I can see your point. You would have no idea if what you're experiencing in your relationship is good, bad, or in the middle.

On the other hand, in this hypothetical situation, having a comparison could be a bad thing:

Suppose you're "sampling the choices", and you date a guy with whom you have great sexual chemistry . . . but nothing else. Obviously, that's not enough, so you leave him. Then you meet a fantastic guy who's just great: Your values, goals, spending habits, lifestyles, etc. are similar. He likes your family. You can really see yourself growing old with him. He's perfect, EXCEPT that you keep comparing him to the other guy . . . and he's coming up short (take that literally, if you wish). Not that he's bad, but he isn't super-over-the-top-fantastic.

If you didn't have a comparison in your mind, you'd be thrilled with Mr. Fantastic, but knowing that Mr. Jerk-Who's-Great-In-Bed is out there makes you less-than-satisfied with average sex. You can't say that's not a possibility.

Now it's been another fifteen years, and it's only getting better.

Having been married for 20 years, I'll agree that that this aspect of our relationship has only improved with time and age -- not really something I expected, and it's more an emotional thing than a physical thing.

As for my kids - well, my husband and I are involved with teaching our church's sex ed program and it's very comprehensive, and not at all abstinence-based.

This is a church program? What portions of the Bible support it?

 

[Pigeon]

. This is a church program? What portions of the Bible support it?

This just in--not all churches are bible-based.

My children have attended this program (Unitarian-Universalist) and it is amazing.

 

[MrsPete]

This just in--not all churches are bible-based.

My children have attended this program (Unitarian-Universalist) and it is amazing.

When you say Mosque, people assume Muslim. When you say Temple, people assume Jewish. And when you say Church, people assume Christian -- as in based upon Christ's teachings and words, the ones written in the Bible.

It doesn't sound like an amazing program, but that's why we all get to make individual choices for our children.

 

[Hannathy]

This is a church program? What portions of the Bible support it?

Some very Christian Churches and Faiths do not believe in a literal word for word bible based rules. My Denomination does not believe you have to follow the bible word for word exactly as written. We follow the teachings of the bible but are open to think and can interpret the meaning without blindly following it literally.

My church does not teach complete abstinence till marriage either in their youth programs.

 

[Leshaface]

I held off as long as I could to have sex and completely regret not having more self-control. I don't believe in 'sexual compatibility'. Does that break/make a relationship? My hubby and I don't really have sex now, but does that mean we're not 'compatible' with each other?

I just attended one of my best friends wedding (she's 26 and he's 29) and they didn't even KISS on the lips, during their entire relationship. So it was very special for them to preserve all that until they said "I do". It was amazing.

 

[Tauwillow]

My family is not Christian.

We have drummed emotional readiness for sex and safe sex practices with our three kids. I have a 17 year old, a 14 year old and an 11 year old - they are all virgins so far.

That said, I didn't wait until marriage and won't be heartbroken if my kids do not wait either. Mostly, I want them to have the emotional maturity to handle the experience, the readiness to manage their health risks, and the ability to take care of a child.

As a result, we talk pretty openly about all of these issues.

 

[MrsPete]

Some very Christian Churches and Faiths do not believe in a literal word for word bible based rules. My Denomination does not believe you have to follow the bible word for word exactly as written. We follow the teachings of the bible but are open to think and can interpret the meaning without blindly following it literally.

My church does not teach complete abstinence till marriage either in their youth programs.

You're talking about fundamentalism, which is a tangent from the current conversation.

I can buy into the idea that some of the mnior Biblical principles are outdated. I believe someone earlier on this thread said something about the Old Testament forbidding the Jews from eating pork (could've been that I read that somewhere else and I'm remembering it wrong), and that was good advice back in the days when they were wandering the dessert without benefit of refrigeration -- but doesn't really apply to our lives today.

I can also buy into other "gray areas" such as working on Sunday. Some people say that the concept is what's important, that God knew that man needed to rest and focus upon just spiritual needs one day out of the week. Sunday is traditional, but you can certainly garner the same benefits on Monday. People also point out that this is the only one of the 10 commandments that isn't repeated in the New Testament.

I can buy into those things.

But in the case of this program, what I'm hearing is that this program has no Biblical basis and is in direct contradiction to a rather important (of course you might disagree with the modifier "important") instruction that's given multiple times in the Bible.

I really expected that it was based upon something in the Bible -- something that could be interpreted in multiple ways -- and I'm surprised to see that it seems to be based upon modern morals.

 

[*JoGo*]

i come from a very religious family.
we never talked about sex at home, but knew it was for marriage.
i went to a private christian school.
very involved in church, youth programs, school activities, big plans for the future.

had my son at 17.
for me, personally, sex wasn't an emotional thing. i was so sick of constantly hearing how we were to be pure, save ourselves for marriage, our virginity was a gift, when you married you married all of your spouse's past partners, etc. it was something i wanted to GET RID OF. virginity was so highly valued, i partly wanted to know what all the hoopla was about, but mostly wanted it over with.

the father of my son was my second partner, and we've been married over 11yrs. my parents never knew i was 'active' until we told my mom i was pregnant and we were getting married.

it's still not emotional to me. and i'm not any less of a person b/c i didn't wait until i was married.

with my sons, i plan to arm them w/ knowledge. i don't want to bombard them with only abstinence campaigns. they will get plenty of that at school (private christian). i will talk to them about the consequences. protection. being respectful to the girl and themselves. what their responsibilities would be to the mother of their child.