A question for parents of teens...

[LilyWDW]

Well, the "FIL just died" thread shows one example of why it makes a difference - legally, neither of you has the right to inherit from the other, or make medical decisions for the other, unless you've gone to some time and expense to get the legal things hammered out. I don't want to turn this into a threadjack, but there ARE big differences between being emotionally committed and being legally connected.

*sigh*

Reread the post in topic. I am simply saying that, when it comes to sex, what difference does it make if you have been together 9 years but not married or been together 4 years but married for 3 of them. This is a question based off the in topic discussion... nothing else.

I also said in my post that I have my reasons at this time that we are not married. One of those is the fact that I am in school getting my master's degree. There are others as well, but I don't feel like discussing them here at this time. We will most likely get married at some point when we feel it is the right time for us.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that you're misinterpreting a few points that have been made. .

Nope, no misinterpretation at all.

I have simply stated my views, in answer to the question.

I also feel that I understand the points that others have made...
I am not under any misunderstandings, as you might be implying.
I don't think you have to have an ongoing sexual relationship to have a feel for these things at all. I really don't.
If one doesn't have any idea of the other person's desires/appetite, then that is an issue that goes way beyond 'sexual experience', and one shouldn't be considering marriage to the other person at all.

And, yes, there have been those who said that the partners should have 'experience'.

PS:
Everyone here is stating their thoughts...
I stated mine.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well I o not believe there is anything morally wrong with premarital sex (wihch is an odd term anyway as it seems to assume people will eventually marry) so, no, I have not taught my children they need to wait for marriage.
I have taught them by my morals:

* that sex is something to be shared by two people who are i love with one another and in a committed, monogamous relationship (but that it is okay to realize you have grown apart, and is in fact natural in early loving relationships for most people) and then break things off and move on.

*that children should be brought into the world because they are wanted--not by accident

*that if you love someone and care about them enough to have sex with them you need to also love them and care about them enough to make sure they do not get any diseases from it (and you should love yourself that much too)

*that, like driving a car or drinking or watching or any number of other things, sex is something that you have to mature to a point to do well and handle both physically and emotionally and i hope they will not rush into things (though I honestly think most teens are mature enough to truly handle it at 16 or 17).

I also cover practical stuff with them like how to prevent STDs and knowing the laws in the area you are in.

(BTW--my kids are currently 11 and 13 and this is what I am still comfortable with teaching them)

 

[AristocatFan]

I'd rather my teens have sex than get married early. I want them to finish college, and live on their own for a while. I would be upset if my kids got married before the age of 25, and even that seems early to me.

Well I guess we were just more mature than most 21 year olds. By that age I had already purchased my first home, DH had been through the military(Army Reserves did basic at 17). We were both going to college and working, plus I had already buried my father and was taking care of my emotionally unstable mother. We did something right because we've been together 25 years and counting. Currently being tested with him working in another state during the week. Just because someone is a young age, doesn't mean they aren't mature.

 

[mamacatnv]

I tell DS who will be 21 in a few weeks
"your 20's are for education, travel and having as much protected sex as you possibly can" it is said somewhat in a kidding manner but also, I am somewhat serious.

I want DS and DD to know that it is okay for them to explore the world, to get to know themselves and to do what they want when they want it for awhile.

I'm not a big fan of abstinence before marriage but I am a huge fan of monogomy and strong committment once one decides that marriage is for them.

 

[AristocatFan]

I don't even know where it says in the Bible that one should not have sex before marriage... can someone enlighten me?

I knew there were several passages and since DH has our bible with him at a conference today I did a quick search on Google and found the following:

Question: "What does the Bible say about sex before marriage / premarital sex?"

Answer: There is no Hebrew or Greek word used in the Bible that precisely refers to sex before marriage. The Bible undeniably condemns adultery and sexual immorality, but is sex before marriage considered sexually immoral? According to 1 Corinthians 7:2, “yes” is the clear answer: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” In this verse, Paul states that marriage is the “cure” for sexual immorality. First Corinthians 7:2 is essentially saying that, because people cannot control themselves and so many are having immoral sex outside of marriage, people should get married. Then they can fulfill their passions in a moral way.

Since 1 Corinthians 7:2 clearly includes sex before marriage in the definition of sexual immorality, all of the Bible verses that condemn sexual immorality as being sinful also condemn sex before marriage as sinful. Sex before marriage is included in the biblical definition of sexual immorality. There are numerous Scriptures that declare sex before marriage to be a sin (Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes complete abstinence before marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4).

Far too often we focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognizing that there is another aspect—procreation. Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage. Song of Solomon and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) clearly describe the pleasure of sex. However, the couple must understand that God’s intent for sex includes producing children. Thus, for a couple to engage in sex before marriage is doubly wrong—they are enjoying pleasures not intended for them, and they are taking a chance of creating a human life outside of the family structure God intended for every child.

While practicality does not determine right from wrong, if the Bible's message on sex before marriage were obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and, most importantly, honors God.

 

[punkin]

We believe sex is made for marriage.

However, I'm not so naive to think that any of my children will make it. I can teach and talk as much as I want, but the numbers are against me (and so are the hormones). So we talk a TON about abstinence and why we wish for them to wait. And then we talk about birth control and safe sex. And then we talk about consequences of sex outside of marriage and unplanned pregnancies.


And then we hope they listened

This is pretty much my feeling on the subject.

 

[DisneyCruiser83]

you and me both!!!!!

Most kids aren't even done with college by 21. And just how much living and experiencing life can you do by 21. To me 21 is unacceptable and I would be very disappointed if any of my kids got married that young. I lean toward 30 as far as I"m concerned.

I married DH 2 months before my 21st birthday and we have been married just over 6 years. We both waited for our wedding night. I finished college, and also obtained a Master's degree. DH finished his JD and PhD during our marriage. I have not missed out on anything, and in fact have enjoyed more than I would have been able to on my own. We have been all around the world and shared experiences that I would not trade for a few years in an apartment with a roommate dating different guys. Everyone has different ideas about life, but my life is beautiful and I love it. If your children are married young, there is no reason to be disappointed, just embrace their choices and love them for the people they are.

 

[NotUrsula]

If one doesn't have any idea of the other person's desires/appetite, then that is an issue that goes way beyond 'sexual experience', and one shouldn't be considering marriage to the other person at all.

I'm not saying that one doesn't have any idea, just that I'm questioning that if both partners are virgins at marriage (because surely we don't want to assume a double-standard), then how does that person know what he or she truly needs and likes? If you have no experience at all, then you really can't be reliably making your preferences clear if you don't know for sure what those preferences are, but only what you think they might be. (That is, unless you are defining "waiting" VERY narrowly, which I think is kind of a bizarrely semantical argument.)

I say this as someone who had a three-year relationship with someone that came very close to leading to marriage. He was (and is) a great guy and I still remember our time together fondly, but it was three years after we broke up that he finally acknowledged to himself that he is a gay man. When I was with him we were still rather young and he really believed that he was straight at the time, but after we became intimate I could tell that something was off somehow. This is an extreme case, I know, but it illustrates the point that sometimes people don't know that something that they think they want won't satisfy them until after they have experienced it.

However, I respect that if your religious beliefs prohibit sexual contact before marriage, then it certainly behooves you to proceed accordingly. I just personally consider it an awfully risky proposition.

 

[mjkacmom]

I married DH 2 months before my 21st birthday and we have been married just over 6 years. We both waited for our wedding night. I finished college, and also obtained a Master's degree. DH finished his JD and PhD during our marriage. I have not missed out on anything, and in fact have enjoyed more than I would have been able to on my own. We have been all around the world and shared experiences that I would not trade for a few years in an apartment with a roommate dating different guys. Everyone has different ideas about life, but my life is beautiful and I love it. If your children are married young, there is no reason to be disappointed, just embrace their choices and love them for the people they are.

I dated DH right after college, and we got married when we were 27. I dated different guys in HS and college, but just him after graduation. I had my own apartment, was responsible for everything myself, and it was a great feeling! He lived with roommates, but at least he didn't move out of his parents' home into our home. My mom (who got married when she was 22) advised me that I should live on my own before getting married, and I'm so glad I did. I love DH and the kids, and our home, but sometimes I miss my little apartment, that was all mine.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

Here's the scriptural answer someone was asking for: (Acts 15:19-20) .*.*.Hence my decision is not to trouble those from the nations who are turning to God, 20*but to write them to abstain from things polluted by idols and from fornication and from what is strangled and from blood. If you dont know exactly what 'fornication' means, here is an online definition: Definitions of fornication on the Web:
voluntary sexual intercourse between persons not married to each other

So OBVIOUSLY, to obey God, one must NOT have sex outside of marriage, and that is what I'm teaching my kids.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It would be interesting to look into the root words (Hebrew/Arabic/etc.) and history from which we get the word 'fornication'.

There are a lot of words that did not mean exactly what we simply assume them to mean.

 

[AristocatFan]

I'm not saying that one doesn't have any idea, just that I'm questioning that if both partners are virgins at marriage (because surely we don't want to assume a double-standard), then how does that person know what he or she truly needs and likes?

You find out together doing what comes naturally. You grow together and you already know your relationship is not built on sex which draws you even closer. And it just keeps getting better!

 

[Wishing on a star]

NotUrsula,
You were with this guy for three years... and three years after that, he then has this 'epiphany'...

In all honesty, you are just reinforcing what I have said...
If one doesn't have a feel for these things, there are MUCH bigger issues than taking a test-run.

I, personally, am still 100% with my original comments.

 

[marcyinPA]

I think abstinence until marriage would be the ideal.

Unfortunately that doesn't usually happen.

I agree, on both accounts. For me, it is a religious thing. It wasn't always, but I have matured and grown in my faith over the years.

My DH and I have talked to my DS15 about sex, and we've talked to him about protection. We do not, however, condone premarital sex. He has a strong faith and beliefs as well, and has said that he wants to wait until he is married. I truly believe that he means it, but I also know that things happen. We all fall short of the Glory of God.

I think it is important for him to be educated and to make smart decisions.

At this point, he hasn't had a "real" girlfriend yet, so I'm not too worried.

 

[Jennasis]

Edited...nevermind. It was a religious post. A dang good one. But still...don't want to derail the train!

 

[surfergirl602]

you and me both!!!!!

Most kids aren't even done with college by 21. And just how much living and experiencing life can you do by 21. To me 21 is unacceptable and I would be very disappointed if any of my kids got married that young. I lean toward 30 as far as I"m concerned.

Umm... I met my husband in college. We were both each others firsts and we were married at 20. We have both finished college, have 4 kids, he has a successful military career and we've been married for 10 years now and going strong.

We've had lots of "living and experiencing", have lived all over the world. If my parents ever said that they were very disappointed in me for the choices I make for MY life, I would tell them to kiss my ****.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think abstinence until marriage would be the ideal.

Unfortunately that doesn't usually happen.

This!

 

[NotUrsula]

You find out together doing what comes naturally. You grow together and you already know your relationship is not built on sex which draws you even closer. And it just keeps getting better!

I agree with you that a relationship isn't built on sex. However, sexual issues can very effectively destroy an otherwise solid relationship.

My former fiance is a good man, a very kind man, who is funny and really smart, respected in his community, an excellent father, a financial success, and someone that I loved very deeply and who loved me just as much, but if we had gotten married we would have eventually ended up emotionally destroying one another with the best will in the world.

You'll have to take my word for it, but no one could have known there was any problem without the experience of having been intimate with him. I tried to fool myself for quite a long time, telling myself that these little fastidious things didn't matter, but they did, and eventually I had to admit that both to myself and to him.

 

[Owlpost23]

Virginity should be considered a wonderful gift-who you present that gift to is a VERY personal choice-be it in marriage or a committed relationship.I think people need to wait until college because you can't give the keys of a rocket ship to a kid and expect them to get very far.BTW,my daughter is sixteen and would like to wait.Her idea,and I told her that is terrific! However,she's sixteen and time will probably change that.