A question for parents of teens...

[Deb in IA]

I believe, and have told my kids, that virginity is a special gift that you can only give away to someone once, and it should be to your spouse on your wedding night.

 

[Chelley00]

We believe sex is made for marriage.

However, I'm not so naive to think that any of my children will make it. I can teach and talk as much as I want, but the numbers are against me (and so are the hormones). So we talk a TON about abstinence and why we wish for them to wait. And then we talk about birth control and safe sex. And then we talk about consequences of sex outside of marriage and unplanned pregnancies.


And then we hope they listened

 

[AprilRenee]

I am 24 and have been married for 2 years. We both waited for marriage to have sex. Neither of us regret it at all and plan on encouraging our children to wait as well (when they come along).
However, I am not naive enough to assume they will follow my lead. My 3 younger siblings were raised the same way I was and 2 of them are now having sex before marriage. One waited til 20 and in college, the other is 16 and in high school. (the third is only 13 but I won't be surprised if he starts soon ) For me, it was a decision that *I* made at a young age and stuck to. Obviously, we didn't all make that decision.
However, my husband and I ended up being the ones to sit down and discuss protection etc with my younger brothers because my parents just pretended that the boys would wait and didn't want to appear to "condone" their actions. It was obvious to us that they weren't waiting, so we took care of some education.
So, while I will encourage my children to wait, I will also give them all the facts and make protection available to them because I would rather have a pregnant-free teen having sex than a "abstinent" teen who ends up with a baby.

 

[LilyWDW]

Considering I have been dating the same person for over 9 years... yea, I don't believe one should have to wait until they are married. There are reasons I am not married, I will not go into them here. However, we have been together in a committed relationship for a longer period of time then most people I know have been dated AND married. So, why is there a difference? Obviously after 9 years we are committed to each other. Why does a ring and some ceremony make any difference?

(*note* we are now 28)

 

[mhsjax]

Considering I have been dating the same person for over 9 years... yea, I don't believe one should have to wait until they are married. There are reasons I am not married, I will not go into them here. However, we have been together in a committed relationship for a longer period of time then most people I know have been dated AND married. So, why is there a difference? Obviously after 9 years we are committed to each other. Why does a ring and some ceremony make any difference?

(*note* we are now 28)

YOu could actually turn that phrase around and say if it doesn't make a difference, then why not go ahead and do it.

 

[Kat77]

I am 24 and have been married for 2 years. We both waited for marriage to have sex. Neither of us regret it at all and plan on encouraging our children to wait as well (when they come along).
However, I am not naive enough to assume they will follow my lead. My 3 younger siblings were raised the same way I was and 2 of them are now having sex before marriage (one is only 13 but I won't be surprised if he starts soon ). One waited til 20 and in college, the other is 16 and in high school. For me, it was a decision that *I* made at a young age and stuck to. Obviously, we didn't all make that decision.
However, my husband and I ended up being the ones to sit down and discuss protection etc with my younger brothers because my parents just pretended that the boys would wait and didn't want to appear to "condone" their actions. It was obvious to us that they weren't waiting, so we took care of some education.
So, while I will encourage my children to wait, I will also give them all the facts and make protection available to them because I would rather have a pregnant-free teen having sex than a "abstinent" teen who ends up with a baby.

This is how I feel. I would love for my children to wait for marriage but I know the odds are not good they will. I did not wait. Not one of my HS friends did either. I'd rather be realistic with them. The advice I shared on the other thread was from a friend who works in a church!

 

[tlbwriter]

Considering I have been dating the same person for over 9 years... yea, I don't believe one should have to wait until they are married. There are reasons I am not married, I will not go into them here. However, we have been together in a committed relationship for a longer period of time then most people I know have been dated AND married. So, why is there a difference? Obviously after 9 years we are committed to each other. Why does a ring and some ceremony make any difference?

Well, the "FIL just died" thread shows one example of why it makes a difference - legally, neither of you has the right to inherit from the other, or make medical decisions for the other, unless you've gone to some time and expense to get the legal things hammered out. I don't want to turn this into a threadjack, but there ARE big differences between being emotionally committed and being legally connected.

 

[NotUrsula]

I also think that waiting until marriage is unwise. I think that mature adult relationships that are serious enough for marriage to be considered need to have a sexual compatibility component.

However, my POV for teens is that it is best to wait until you are out of high school if you can, for three reasons: 1) pregnancy is always a possibility, and if you end up with a dependent before you even finish HS, you are going to have a VERY hard row to hoe in life, 2) the maturity to really handle that level of intimacy in an adult fashion usually doesn't exist in someone younger than 17, and lastly: 3) HS is a very small world where a lot of people have really big mouths. If you are intimate with one person, chances are that you may end up having all of that person's friends hear every little detail, and then their friends will hear it, and so on. Better to wait until you are not living in such a fishbowl.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

"We would prefer if you wait until marriage, but at the very least wait until you are prepared to deal with the consequences and are in a steady relationship with someone who is special enough to share sex with."

 

[JerseyJanice]

I didn't save myself for marriage and don't expect my child to do so either.

I think that physical compatibility is a very important aspect of marriage, and I don't see any way of knowing if you're physically compatible with someone until you experiment with that person.

 

[AristocatFan]

DH and I are strongly against premarital sex for religious reasons. Our kids know that and we have always stressed waiting until marriage or at least waiting until adulthood if they choose to ignore our views. DS18 has been dating his girlfriend for over 3 years, he says they are not having sex and all we can do is trust him. DS16 and his girlfriend have been dating for a year. They are not allowed to be alone with their girlfriends and have always followed that rule. DD is only 12 and still has awhile before she's allowed to date but I do expect her to wait.

DH and I dated for 4years and waited until we were married. It's not unreasonable to expect the same from our children.

Oh, and we didn't get married right out of high school nor just to have sex. We were both 21.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't believe in saving sex for marriage.

Heck, at least ONE person better know what they are doing first time out. It can be traumatic enough!

Seriously. I'm a realist. I didn't save myself (but was in an LTR with the guy I eventually married...then divorced). My only other encounter was with currrent DH. But NO WAY would I have gone into marriage without having sex first.

Everybody should make their own decisions, for themselves. not for thier chirch or parents or even their partner. Parents should raise their kids however they like, but ultimately, the decisions always come down to the individual.

Bristol Palin anyone?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Sex is an important part of marriage and I would never want my kids to be virgins on their wedding night. That needs to be something that they know works for them.

Virginity until marriage is very odd to me - I know one 41 year old virgin who has missed out on a wonderful facet of being a woman - all because she is waiting.

Sex is too much fun to wait.

 

[hereyago]

I would so have regretted waiting until the age of 28 and then "give" myself to my husband, who is in ex now and there is no way I would touch him without a hazmat suit and a bleach shower.


I never undetstood that save yourself for your husband, really? He could get all the experence he wanted and you will never be with anyone else. I have known 2 people who waited and then wondered what it would be like and acted on it with other people.

I also don't get this confusing message: You are too young just to be with one person, go have fun, but don't have too much fun. So what is the limit, 2 or 3 people that you see at a time then you are easy?

A friend's sister is always making a remark about the friends daughter who is 20, beautiful young woman inside and out. she will post on face book, about her break ups. 0 for 5? Wow. So, at 20 she should just find the perfect guy, good luck with that.

 

[palmtreegirl]

We follow Jesus and the bible is our authority so our children are learning that sex is for marriage. No, we didn't wait, but we weren't Christians back then and did lots of stuff I hope our kids won't do. I don't think I'm naive, I just trust God's word over regular people just like myself.

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh, and we didn't get married right out of high school nor just to have sex. We were both 21.

I'd rather my teens have sex than get married early. I want them to finish college, and live on their own for a while. I would be upset if my kids got married before the age of 25, and even that seems early to me.

 

[tlbwriter]

I don't even know where it says in the Bible that one should not have sex before marriage... can someone enlighten me?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am a Christian, and while I believe in the ideals that sexuality is something to be shared between married partners... I do believe this to be 'ideal'. But, there simply are not many 'ideals' that human beings can live up to. I was not a virgin on my wedding day, and have no problems or misgivings with that, at all.

That being said, I find the whole 'test run' before marriage to be Facts show this to be true.... marriages from test-runs have a lesser chance of making it than others. One can have sex with somebody (as MOST clearly do) and even live with them... These factors seem to have no input on the outcome. I see this as more of a smoke-shield, justification, etc.... Just the thought that my physical relationship with my husband depends on any previous encounters in any way, IMHO, is not only ridiculous, but

As far as how I view this with my son.... As long as he is a minor and is under my roof, the understanding will be that I do NOT view this as recommended or even acceptable behavior... Once he is out there as a young adult, this is a personal and private matter that I have NO business being in to, at all.

So, if you put the two thoughts above together... NO, I will not be allowing and/or encouraging my son to date as a young teenager... I will simply NOT be fluffing his pillow and enabling any 'test runs'. And, yes there are well meaning but IMHO very misguided parents who do this with 15-16 year olds. I will never be one of those.

 

[Hannathy]

I'd rather my teens have sex than get married early. I want them to finish college, and live on their own for a while. I would be upset if my kids got married before the age of 25, and even that seems early to me.

you and me both!!!!!

Most kids aren't even done with college by 21. And just how much living and experiencing life can you do by 21. To me 21 is unacceptable and I would be very disappointed if any of my kids got married that young. I lean toward 30 as far as I"m concerned.

 

[NotUrsula]

That being said, I find the whole 'test run' before marriage to be Facts show this to be true.... marriages from test-runs have a lesser chance of making it than others. One can have sex with somebody (as MOST clearly do) and even live with them... These factors seem to have no input on the outcome. I see this as more of a smoke-shield, justification, etc.... Just the thought that my physical relationship with my husband depends on any previous encounters in any way, IMHO, is not only ridiculous, but

I think that you're misinterpreting a few points that have been made. The so-called "test runs" that you are speaking of that have been documented as having higher failure rates are in reference to cohabitation, not sex. You can have relations with someone without living with that person, and it is the living with that has been shown to increase the marriage failure rate.

And as to your physical relationship with your spouse depending on previous encounters, I don't believe that that was what most of us were saying: not that one needs to "practice" in order to gain skill for marriage, but that one needs to find out before marriage if the sexual tastes of the person you are marrying are compatible with your own needs. You don't want to unknowingly marry someone who turns out to have a fetish that you find repellant, or who wants sex daily if you are much more a once a month kind of person.