A question for parents of teens...

[IUTBAM]

I was reading the other thread asking about how you felt when you discovered your son was having sex. That got me to thinking...are there still parents (like myself) who have drummed it into their teens (and preteens) that abstinence and remaining a virgin until marriage (or at least until mature and in a long-term committed relationship) is the way to go? I'm sure the first impulse is to say, "oh, you are dreaming if you think that will happen with your teen", but I don't think I am.

I talk with my 17 y/o daughter who is a HS senior (and dating a 20 y/o college sophomore) about guys, relationships, and sex very regularly, and she has made it very very clear to me she has no intention of engaging in anything for a very, very long time...in fact, I believe her exact words were, "if he would try that, he'd be taking his **** home in a jelly jar". She has very strong feelings about premarital sex, and I believe her (and am so proud and happy) that she wants to wait until she's married. But from reading that thread (and just from talking to others, and hearing what she says kids talk about in school), she is definitely in the minority.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't believe in staying a virgin until marriage. Sexual urges starts with puberty, around the age of 12. I think it's important to wait until adulthood, which is still many years after being able to concieve a child. My children know that their father and I feel that sex is an adult activity, that children aren't ready for. However, if they get involved with a significant other in college, use protection. I see nothing wrong with a sexual relationship between 2 adults outside of marriage (provided they're not married to other people, of course!).

 

[golfgal]

We have talked with the kids about this and for us it isn't so much waiting until they are married but at least being in a long term relationship but we also talk about their dreams and goals and what would happen to those if they were to become parents too young. So far, so good. Our oldest is a freshman in college and we have had several talks about this recently. While I am sure the "urges" are there, he is still grounded in reality, that and he hasn't really had a long term girlfriend yet (more then a couple months anyway). DS18's class was the first class in their high school in a long time to not have a girl pregnant through their high school years. I think that says a lot for the kids they go to school with as well-which helps. In previous years there have only been one, maybe 2 girls in a grade that have been pregnant. Our twins tell us so far, no one is pregnant at school this year yet either.

DS18's roommate came from a small school and 7 of the 21 girls in his class were pregnant at sometime before they graduated from high school

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I was reading the other thread asking about how you felt when you discovered your son was having sex. That got me to thinking...are there still parents (like myself) who have drummed it into their teens (and preteens) that abstinence and remaining a virgin until marriage (or at least until mature and in a long-term committed relationship) is the way to go? I'm sure the first impulse is to say, "oh, you are dreaming if you think that will happen with your teen", but I don't think I am.

I talk with my 17 y/o daughter who is a HS senior (and dating a 20 y/o college sophomore) about guys, relationships, and sex very regularly, and she has made it very very clear to me she has no intention of engaging in anything for a very, very long time...in fact, I believe her exact words were, "if he would try that, he'd be taking his **** home in a jelly jar". She has very strong feelings about premarital sex, and I believe her (and am so proud and happy) that she wants to wait until she's married. But from reading that thread (and just from talking to others, and hearing what she says kids talk about in school), she is definitely in the minority.

I don't believe in abstinence till marriage. It would be interesting to see how many parents are like me or like you.

You should do a poll.

 

[jrmasm]

I don't believe in abstinence till marriage. It would be interesting to see how many parents are like me or like you.

You should do a poll.

I don't either.

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't either.

Same here.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I think abstinence until marriage would be the ideal.

Unfortunately that doesn't usually happen.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I'm not religious so the whole "no sex before marriage" thing doesn't work for me however I would like it if my daughter waits until she is in a long term relationship and doesn't sleep around with everything with a *****.

I have a cousin on the other hand who is very religious and took a vow of abstinence until marriage. The hardest time for him was when he was 16-19 years of age. The raging hormones made it very difficult for him to keep his vow and from a conversation we had I think he may have slipped once.

Even the most determined people can have an oops moment when it comes to sex and hormones so I would never rely on "abstinence only" education.

 

[Hannathy]

I don't believe in abstinence before marriage either.

I have always told my DD that to. I have told her I know she will be having sex in college and I would hope she would graduate from High School before starting because I think you need to be old enough to accept a baby and really understand what that would mean since any time you have sex you have to be prepared for what if I got pregnant. Cause it can happen each and every time and that is what you need to think about each time you do.

We have always talked about how it would interrupt their plans for life and completely eliminate some choices. And when they start they need to be absolutely sure, take precautions, and to be prepared to have to care for a child if something happened. And to make sure the person they are having sex with IS someone they would want to raise a child with, really think about this last thing.

 

[VAfamily1998]

My oldest is only 10, so not a parent of a teen yet...but I plan on doing the same as you and encouraging abstinence.

We do not believe in arificial birth control, so we will also not be giving any type of "but if you do choose to have sex, please use a condom" talk either.

 

[laurie31]

We do believe that sex is only for married couples. We have taught this to our children. My DH and I had no problem staying true to our beliefs, even though we were 26 and 28 when we married, and have been engaged for 14 months, and had taken 3 vacations together prior to marriage. (well, okay, DH has a little more trouble than I did but I don't think he would have really "gone all the way" even if I had been willing).

Self-control IS possible!

In addition to our religious beliefs on the matter (which I won't discuss since we aren't supposed to), my DDs are well-aware that their grandmother got pregnant on her 14th birthday, on her first time, and how her life was affected from that action. It's not something they want for themselves.

At any rate, they know the "you can't get pregnant on your first time" and the "you're too young to get pregnant" lines are BS.

 

[krcit]

I don't believe in staying a virgin until marriage. Sexual urges starts with puberty, around the age of 12. I think it's important to wait until adulthood, which is still many years after being able to concieve a child. My children know that their father and I feel that sex is an adult activity, that children aren't ready for. However, if they get involved with a significant other in college, use protection. I see nothing wrong with a sexual relationship between 2 adults outside of marriage (provided they're not married to other people, of course!).

 

[ilovejack02]

While I am not totally on the band wagon of waiting until marriage , I am on the band wagon until waiting till AT LEAST college .

We spoke to my DS 21 about it all the time from about the age of 12. Wait until you are older, use condoms, stds , what if you get a girl pregnant , get an education, LOVE and RESPECT your first, etc etc etc, you name we talked about it.


Apparently he didn't listen , as he had a scare that he might have gotten a girl pregnant at the ripe old age of 16, his first time no less. Thank goodness all turned out ok and I think it scared the hell out of him for a good long time.
We talked until we were blue in the face, but in the end he did what he wanted , as do a lot of children. He learned a good lesson, and hopefully the girl did too .

 

[tlbwriter]

I talk with my 17 y/o daughter who is a HS senior (and dating a 20 y/o college sophomore) about guys, relationships, and sex very regularly, and she has made it very very clear to me she has no intention of engaging in anything for a very, very long time...

Well, what you tell your mother when you're 17 isn't necessarily the way you feel when you're 18 or 19 or 20...

 

[Pakey]

I don't believe in abstinence before marriage.

We raised 3 sons; the youngest is close to his 30th birthday and is still single. The older two both married in their late 20's.

I wasn't handing out condoms during the high school years but I did discuss responsibility and making good choices. I didn't ask any details but there were no unpleasant surprises. I don't believe for a second that any one of them "saved" themselves for marriage.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I don't believe in abstinence until marriage. There are so many facets to a relationship, one of which is sexual compatibility. You need to be connected to each other in a physical way as much as you do in an emotional way. I'd love it if DD waited until college, but realistically I don't know if that would be the case. We've had the talk about birth control, condoms, responsibility, babies changing your future plans... but in the end, it's up to her when that time happens and whether it's next month or next year or in college, only she will be able to decide when the time is right. I just hope there aren't any dire consequences from her decision. Regardless of when that is, I know I won't be ready.

 

[RitaE]

I believe that everybody has the right to control their own bodies and make the decision of who and what on their own. I myself didn't wait until marriage to have sex, so I certainly wasn't shocked that my son didn't either. To be honest I never really talked to my kids in terms of don't do it, although I did talk to them about safety and respect.

I didn't jump up and down and go "Yay! My kid is having sex!" and bake a celebratory cake, but I didn't find it terribly shocking that he and his girlfriend were having sex in High School either.

It takes some getting used to but now that he's 20, I just don't feel like it is my right to be involved in that part of his life. Its a private decision.

 

[NMAmy]

I didn't want dd to only get married in order to have sex. I've known a few girls who, because their parents stressed the whole wait until marriage thing, got married right out of high school just for that very reason. None of these marriages has lasted.

I was quite happy that dd waited until she was 18 and took precautions. It's her body and her life and, since she's now an adult, it's not my place to tell her what she should do.

 

[hambirg]

Boy I hope my kids don't see this. . .BUT I don't realistically expect them to be abstinent until marriage. I wasn't.

What I do believe in is setting high expectations though. So when we talk about sex, I do absolutely push the idea that it is for marriage. I want my kids to feel that sex is normal, healthy and an expression of love between a married couple. My secret wish is that they will "disappoint" me by not having sex until they are in a relationship while they are in college.

 

[wenmc]

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