a question about holidays..

[mudnuri]

I have a question, i'm not understanding the answer, and I need some input from others. This might be long, I'm sorry if it is.

This guy was married for 9 years, on christmas day his wife left with his kids while he was on an EMT call. They divorced shortly after, he lost his kids, house, cars, credit, etc..this was 4 years ago this christmas

he sees the kids every other weekend for about 48 hours. Never on a holiday unless they fall on his weekend. They are suppose to split school vacations, but he cant do all of them, because of work, and not enough vacation time.

Basically- he despises all holidays. He feels everything he had and spent years celebrating, making traditions with etc. is gone, so to heck with the holidays. He does nothing on any of them. He went hunting on Thanksgiving (like a lot of folks here), on christmas, he wont do anything. Nothing...nada...zip....zilch. He will go shopping for the kids, and the apartment will be decorated, but only for the kids benefit, and nothing like I can imagine.

So we were talking tonight, and discussing the upcoming holidays, and what we were doing etc... When all this came out. We've been dating on and off for a couple of months, and recently had the exclusiviity conversation. I dont understand this process he has in his mind about the holidays. He said that christmas is a holiday that all the greedy folk enjoy etc... I tried to explain that its not about the gifts, its about being with those whose company you enjoy etc..

Basically the conversation ended with him saying, he'll try but he's not sure how good he will do enjoying it. I have the girls in the AM, but we are planning on spending the rest of the day together, I just want for him to enjoy the day, and I'm not sure if i can help him get over this. He agree's with me that he needs to, since my family is huge and holidays are a big deal....if this goes any further, he will be stuck at a thanksgiving dinner with upwards of 40 people...and a 4th of july party on the lake with another 50 or so...thats just how I was raised...i'm not sure what I should do.\

He will not be included in the holiday stuff going on here, as my DD's still have not met him or know anything of him...thats one thing we both agreed upon from the get go with both his kids and mine, until we knew for sure this was going to work, they were to be left in the dark.

HELP!
Brandy

 

[aprilgail2]

This guy was married for 9 years, on christmas day his wife left with his kids while he was on an EMT call. They divorced shortly after, he lost his kids, house, cars, credit, etc..this was 4 years ago this christmas

he sees the kids every other weekend for about 48 hours. Never on a holiday unless they fall on his weekend.

wow, can't answer you questions but....poor guy, he got screwed in that settlement like most guys do in divorces....at the very least he should have his kids for the holidays every other year! His lawyer should have at least fought for that!

 

[eeyore kelly]

That Poor Man! No wonder he is jaded about the holidays. It think with time and exposure he'll overcome his feelings, but that is coming from someone who loves the holidays

 

[mudnuri]

wow, can't answer you questions but....poor guy, he got screwed in that settlement like most guys do in divorces....at the very least he should have his kids for the holidays every other year! His lawyer should have at least fought for that!

$25,000 later, this is what he got. I cant change that but I honestly want him to at least be happy on the holidays, he doesnt have to become a holiday freak LOL.....

Ugh this is hard

Brandy

 

[Regina]

How sad. I can't imagine having such a terrible association with Christmas and being able to enjoy it again.

You have to admire his willingness to give it a try. Maybe he's ready to begin moving on.

Good luck!

 

[Nancy]

IF this relationship becomes serious then I would worry about it. I think if he is happier in his own life it will spill over onto everything else. He really got shafted and hasn't had a heck of a lot to be happy about. I would say it's a good sign that he is willing to try. Possibly he might never really get into the holiday as much as you do, but if he can meet you half way that would be good.


MY DH is NOT a holiday person, he doesn't get the whole celebrating them or even birthdays. Whats surprising with this is he was not brought uo that way, his family celebrates everything! He would be happiest if we just kept to ourselves and didn't see anyone on the holidays. He is miserable whenever we have people over, it messes up his little routine. I usually go over to his sisters or mothers house with the girls at the correct time and he shows up whenever he feels like it. This Thanksgiving he came over about an hour after dinner was over, he got a plate warmed up for him...I have given up trying to change him after 20 years. If he wants to act that way, that's his choice.

 

[dmslush]

First off, just to play devil's advocate, you only know one side of the reason for the divorce. There may be very valid reasons on why his exwife left the way she did. I personally have always said that if my exhusband's new girlfriends had ever asked me WHY we split up, WHY he could only have supervised visitations, then I might not come off a such a b**** when he tells how the split up occurred.


With your current problem, SO was never really into holidays. He was very jaded about them. He was in the military for 11 years before we met, and he didn't get to spend many holidays at home, with his family. So, he had this big, toughguy front that the holidays weren't important, it doesn't matter if you are alone, etc.. I brought him into our family, I told him that he would just have to grin and act like he was having a good time LOL. It took a couple of years, well many years, but he now loves the holidays like we do. He gets excited about the family get togethers, he gets excited about the tree, etc.. All it took was some arm twisting, and a little love

 

[mudnuri]

First off, just to play devil's advocate, you only know one side of the reason for the divorce. There may be very valid reasons on why his exwife left the way she did. I personally have always said that if my exhusband's new girlfriends had ever asked me WHY we split up, WHY he could only have supervised visitations, then I might not come off a such a b**** when he tells how the split up occurred.

unfortunatly I know both sides of it, and his side is the correct version...she would tell it the same way....

I honestly believe, if he was involved in the holidays, like for instance my family, or even say if we had started dating 8-9 months ago, and my girls knew him, and he "did the holiday things" with us, like cutting down the tree, and that sort of thing, he'd get into it. He sent me a text message this afternoon that basically said "i hope you understand, I will try my best to get into it this year, as long as we spend the day together"

So guess we will wait and see and I'll update on December 26th LOL

Brandy

 

[Jennifer S]

I can see where he is coming from. His last major holiday as a family and his wife takes off with his kids. Really could she have waited until the next day? That is enough to scar someone for life.

I think if you two spend the day together and create new memories maybe it will change how he looks at holidays. Take it one step at a time. Things will get better - time heals all wounds right?

 

[mickeyboat]

Try to come up with something special that the two of you can do on Christmas Day - where you can spend precious time together having fun on the holiday, but not have the focus be on the holiday.

Does he ski? Maybe you could do a half day of skiing (although I don't know how crowded the mountain is on Christmas Day). Maybe go to a movie that you have been wanting to see. If you are still together next Christmas, you will have had a whole year of preparing him for the holiday. And with new traditions you have created together, it will be a new and improved Merry Christmas for the both of you.

Good luck, Denae

 

[mudnuri]

Try to come up with something special that the two of you can do on Christmas Day - where you can spend precious time together having fun on the holiday, but not have the focus be on the holiday.

Does he ski? Maybe you could do a half day of skiing (although I don't know how crowded the mountain is on Christmas Day). Maybe go to a movie that you have been wanting to see. If you are still together next Christmas, you will have had a whole year of preparing him for the holiday. And with new traditions you have created together, it will be a new and improved Merry Christmas for the both of you.

Good luck, Denae

He does ski, and actually Okemo isnt busy at all on christmas day, usually the 24th and 26th it is. I thought about going somewhere for the day, so we didnt have to "try" to pretend he was enjoying himself LOL...skiing would work...or even a movie. Places must be open for dinner too huh

Brandy

 

[mickeyboat]

Places must be open for dinner too huh

Brandy

How far away are you from Windsor? We often have Thanksgiving at Windsor Station and I bet they are open for Christmas, too. Wherever you go, you will probably have to make a reservation pretty early.

Denae

 

[rt2dz]

Food for thought:

If he tries and it doesn't work for him, are you willing to spend your holidays without him? It doesn't sound like it. Holidays aren't frequent, how long are you to going to take to see if it works out for him? What about what you are vesting in this relationship in between? How about your kids becoming attached to him and you to his kids if it doesn't work out over this one issue? What does he even call trying?

It might not seem like it, but this is a major issue. It is good he is going to try, but if it doesn't work out, you might want to re-think the relationship. You don't want to be vested in a relationship with someone you can't click on big things with. Religion, number of children, how money is saved & spent, how you spend holidays and vacations, and sex is what can make or break a relationship.

I totally understand where he is coming from, but it has become a 4 year habit.

 

[mudnuri]

Food for thought:

If he tries and it doesn't work for him, are you willing to spend your holidays without him? It doesn't sound like it. Holidays aren't frequent, how long are you to going to take to see if it works out for him? What about what you are vesting in this relationship in between? How about your kids becoming attached to him and you to his kids if it doesn't work out over this one issue? What does he even call trying?

It might not seem like it, but this is a major issue. It is good he is going to try, but if it doesn't work out, you might want to re-think the relationship. You don't want to be vested in a relationship with someone you can't click on big things with. Religion, number of children, how money is saved & spent, how you spend holidays and vacations, and sex is what can make or break a relationship.

I totally understand where he is coming from, but it has become a 4 year habit.

Well, I'm not going to say "if you cant get into it at christmas its over" I can tell you that. I honestly believe that he will get back into it. I think, because he doesnt have his kids on holidays that they are just like another day to him. i wont be able to change the fact that he doesnt have his kids, but if i can be there for him, and be someone for him to spend the holidays with that could make the difference.

By him saying he's going to try- he means, he isnt going to sit at home all day alone. He will spend the day with me, its up to me what we do, and hopefully it will be fun enough, but not holiday overload for him to enjoy. Thankfully, out of your list of relationship breakers, the only thing we've got going against us is this. The rest is wonderful - but we're still in a new relationship bliss...

Brandy

 

[mom2grace]

Has he thought about going back to court for better visitation?

As his kids get older, they may choose to be with him on holidays......hope their mom didn't poison them against him.

I agree that over time he will probably get better about the holidays!!!

 

[mudnuri]

*******update*********

we're going to Okemo pending any nasty storm that he ends up getting called into work for (but thats the story of our dating so far so I'm use to that).....

will update again on the 26th

Brandy