A FORMAL STATEMENT OF CONGRATULATIONS TO JAMES EARL CARTER ON THE OCCASION OF HIS CANONIZATION BY LIBERAL NORWEGIAN HIPPIES
Globally Televised Appearance by the Press Secretary
MR. FLEISCHER: Good morning. Today, though the President is busy planning details for World War III, he has asked me to deliver a few words of congratulations to former President James Earl "Jimmy" Carter, the 2002 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. His remarks are as follows:
Dear Jimmy,
On behalf of the American people, Mrs. Bush and I offer their tepid congratulations to you, on this the occasion of your having been declared even remotely relevant by a pack of liberal, America-hating, sissy, Volvo-building Norwegiacs.
Since your humiliating 1980 landslide defeat to my father and his geriatric Vitalis mannequin sidekick, America has looked on with a mixture of bemused curiosity and profound irritation as you have selfishly grabbed headlines by building slums for wetbacks and smoking serious commie pole. Not surprisingly, the frostbitten Scandinavayoids have interpreted all this positively, choosing to overlook Gerald Ford's impressive accomplishments in the world of golf, Ronald Reagan's gritty and determined crusade to keep down tapioca pudding, and George Herbert Walker Bush's Herculean ability to both collect six-figure speaking fees and rule America by proxy.
I'm sure that you are real pleased with yourself for winning that gaudy medallion, and I'll bet you're now on CNN, slung up in some hotel bed with fellow flower-child Yoko Ono. But I am here to tell you that real Americans have had it up to their cakeholes with your weak-kneed "Jesus is love" and "help the poor" liberal brand of Christianity. Christ may have made some ******y comment about "turning the other cheek" like a girl when hit by an enemy, but He didn't have mid-term elections to worry about. As Republican Christians, we are called on by our more conservative Savior, not to build houses with hammers, but to level them with smart bombs; not to help the poor to olive oil, but to help them out of their crude oil; and not to turn the other cheek, but to preemptively slap our enemy senseless. And I praise the always wise Lord for such timeless insight.
Since September 11, cognizant Americans have demonstrated a renewed appreciation for the fact that both yours and Bill Clinton's little Jewboy/Arabiac lovefests at Camp David haven't made a damned bit of difference, and that in fact, both your entire lives serve as a testimony to the worthlessness of pacifism.
And so today, we express our feigned respect for you through clenched warrior's teeth, and communicate our sincere desire for your continued (and hopefully increased) travel to war-torn and highly dangerous corners of the world.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
______________
This is from a satire site. This is not real.
Globally Televised Appearance by the Press Secretary
MR. FLEISCHER: Good morning. Today, though the President is busy planning details for World War III, he has asked me to deliver a few words of congratulations to former President James Earl "Jimmy" Carter, the 2002 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. His remarks are as follows:
Dear Jimmy,
On behalf of the American people, Mrs. Bush and I offer their tepid congratulations to you, on this the occasion of your having been declared even remotely relevant by a pack of liberal, America-hating, sissy, Volvo-building Norwegiacs.
Since your humiliating 1980 landslide defeat to my father and his geriatric Vitalis mannequin sidekick, America has looked on with a mixture of bemused curiosity and profound irritation as you have selfishly grabbed headlines by building slums for wetbacks and smoking serious commie pole. Not surprisingly, the frostbitten Scandinavayoids have interpreted all this positively, choosing to overlook Gerald Ford's impressive accomplishments in the world of golf, Ronald Reagan's gritty and determined crusade to keep down tapioca pudding, and George Herbert Walker Bush's Herculean ability to both collect six-figure speaking fees and rule America by proxy.
I'm sure that you are real pleased with yourself for winning that gaudy medallion, and I'll bet you're now on CNN, slung up in some hotel bed with fellow flower-child Yoko Ono. But I am here to tell you that real Americans have had it up to their cakeholes with your weak-kneed "Jesus is love" and "help the poor" liberal brand of Christianity. Christ may have made some ******y comment about "turning the other cheek" like a girl when hit by an enemy, but He didn't have mid-term elections to worry about. As Republican Christians, we are called on by our more conservative Savior, not to build houses with hammers, but to level them with smart bombs; not to help the poor to olive oil, but to help them out of their crude oil; and not to turn the other cheek, but to preemptively slap our enemy senseless. And I praise the always wise Lord for such timeless insight.
Since September 11, cognizant Americans have demonstrated a renewed appreciation for the fact that both yours and Bill Clinton's little Jewboy/Arabiac lovefests at Camp David haven't made a damned bit of difference, and that in fact, both your entire lives serve as a testimony to the worthlessness of pacifism.
And so today, we express our feigned respect for you through clenched warrior's teeth, and communicate our sincere desire for your continued (and hopefully increased) travel to war-torn and highly dangerous corners of the world.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
______________
This is from a satire site. This is not real.
