A ? for non-drinkers

[AmongMadPeople]

This feels like a non-drinker support group

When I was first reading the OP's post, I was going to say, "If people act like that they aren't your friends." But it's clear they aren't friends, so what can you do? I mean really, what can you do with an obnoxious drunk any time? Pressuring you about drinking is probably only one of the obnoxious things they said that night.

I guess I'm lucky enough to have family and friends who don't pressure. Well, I guess it helps that drinking isn't a family activity for my own extended family. The only extended family that drinks is some of my husband's, and since he doesn't, it wasn't unusual for me to come along and do the same.

 

[krcit]

I drink now. I don't drink at home unless we are having people over but I will have a few beers at a bbq or lately, a couple of drinks made with raspberry vodka However, I didn't drink for about 10 years when my kids were very young. Noone ever bothered me about it except one of my friends. She used to say 'come on, have a drink. Just one.' She is now a recovering alcholic so I think there nay be some truth to a PP's theory about people with a drinking problem trying to get others to drink. I just don't understand why it would matter to another adult whether someone is drinking or not So ridiculous. There are many evenings where I'm the only one not drinking at a party, noone bothers me. They might ask me why I'm not drinking b/c I usually do but once I answer with 'not in the mood.' That's the end of it. OP, I cannot believe that those women put something in your drink What are they? In middle school? That's beyond obnoxious.

 

[sunnyday123]

Ok...drinker here! My family is German, Irish, Italian and Serbian, 'nuf said. However, we are responsible about it. Christmas Eve is big-it's kind of bigger than Christmas, and every couple has a DD. Various people have shown up over the years, bf's, gfs,etc. No one has ever, ever been questioned if they don't want a drink. That's completely immature and irresponsible for anyone to continually questions WHY someone doesn't drink, and to slip something into someone's drink? Are these people 14?

 

[tlbwriter]

DH did like to drink, but never had a problem with it. He only got plastered drunk once when he was in college. He liked wine, dark beer (espcially Sam Adams), gin martinis and bourbon. He stopped when our daughter went through the DARE program, and then asked if it was hypocritical that we were telling her to avoid alcohol while Daddy had his Maker's Mark bourbon on the rocks. That was it. Stopped right then and there.

Huh. I don't find it hypocritical at all. I would have said "Sweetie, I'm an adult. It's okay for adults to drink responsibly. I drink safely and I don't get drunk. You are a child. It's not only unhealthy, but it's illegal for you to drink. When you are an adult, you can decide whether or not you want to drink."

Anyway. I think often when people are threatened by nondrinkers, it's because they fear the nondrinkers are judging *them* (and let's face it, many do!). I really don't care if anybody drinks or not, as long as they don't act like a moron. Slipping alcohol into someone's drink... that's criminal, IMHO.

 

[Magpie]

Huh. I don't find it hypocritical at all. I would have said "Sweetie, I'm an adult. It's okay for adults to drink responsibly. I drink safely and I don't get drunk. You are a child. It's not only unhealthy, but it's illegal for you to drink. When you are an adult, you can decide whether or not you want to drink."

Anyway. I think often when people are threatened by nondrinkers, it's because they fear the nondrinkers are judging *them* (and let's face it, many do!). I really don't care if anybody drinks or not, as long as they don't act like a moron. Slipping alcohol into someone's drink... that's criminal, IMHO.

I don't drink, but my husband likes an occasional glass of wine or scotch in the evening. Sometimes (very rarely) he gets a tiny bit schnockered. My daughter's had many conversations with us about it, and we've pretty much told her exactly what you said.

Drinking is an adult choice. Adults get to do lots of things kids don't get to do. There's nothing hypocritical about that at all.

(My husband does sometimes grumble that me - the NON-drinker - is also a non-driver. )

 

[rodeo65]

OP, I cannot believe that those women put something in your drink What are they? In middle school? That's beyond obnoxious.

Exactly -for me it was in High School. I started dating one of the popular "jocks" and their group would all drink at whoever's house didn't have a parent home and then go bowling. What creative fun!

I was kind of the nerdy kid and when they pressed and pressed me to have a drink, I caved said "just a really small amount" They gave me a vodka and oj. It was a really big glass but the guy that made is assured me it was pretty well all oj. Two days later when I recovered from the alcohol poisioning, one of my friends who was at the party told me it was straight vodka with tang crystals mixed in.

Juvenile - and grown women acted this way!?!

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm not a huge drinker. None of my friends or family bother me about it when I do not drink. If I had people who were constantly bugging me about my drinking habits to thepoint of annoyance, I'd probably stop hanging out with them.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Again, the putting it in my drink was one time with one small group of people within a large group of people I won't see but once a year, so next time we are all put back together I will know who to avoid and not take a drink from. I don't want people to think I am saying this happens to me all the time. It was over the summer and I have had a couple of comments since and this is all new to me. The most recent was just the more sort of passive aggressive comments I mentioned over the weekend and that is what got me thinking. Yes, they were grown women about the age of 40, not 14. I never had that happen when I was 14 or at all until recently, seems some PPs are right, some people act worse in their adult years.

As to the PP who said the one friend who bugged you is a recovering alcoholic, that makes me sad for the people who have made comments to me. Not saying this is the case with them but if it is it is sad because they all have young kids and that is not something I'd wish on any kid to have to deal with.

 

[rodeo65]

Again, the putting it in my drink was one time with one small group of people within a large group of people I won't see but once a year, so next time we are all put back together I will know who to avoid and not take a drink from. I don't want people to think I am saying this happens to me all the time.

No, not thinking it happened all the time - you were clear. I'm just shocked that it happened at all. With adults.

 

[tlbwriter]

Drinking is an adult choice. Adults get to do lots of things kids don't get to do. There's nothing hypocritical about that at all.

And if you disagree, what are you going to tell your daughter when she asks if it's hypocritical for you to have sex while telling her not to...

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

No, not thinking it happened all the time - you were clear. I'm just shocked that it happened at all. With adults.

Gotcha, and I agree.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

DH and I are light drinkers. We have one drink once in a while, but that is it. We also have alcoholism in our families and do not want our DD brought up the way we were.

We have had some comments in social situations because we don't always show up with a beer in our hand. I will never understand why it is anyone's concern.

those people were being immature and rude - I would ignore it!!!!

 

[bumbershoot]

Huh. I don't find it hypocritical at all. I would have said "Sweetie, I'm an adult. It's okay for adults to drink responsibly. I drink safely and I don't get drunk. You are a child. It's not only unhealthy, but it's illegal for you to drink. When you are an adult, you can decide whether or not you want to drink."

Yep.

And if you disagree, what are you going to tell your daughter when she asks if it's hypocritical for you to have sex while telling her not to...

That's an adult choice as well.



OP, I drink, but DH almost never does. He just can't tolerate it. More than one serving of a beer etc and he's toast. Which is kinda funny b/c he's a big guy, and you don't expect a big guy to giggle like a little girl after 1.5 servings of wine (servings, not glasses...we were both doing WW at the time and were very specific about serving sizes).

But I've gone through bouts when I chose not to drink, and the good people around me didn't care. The jerks did. I think it made them feel judged, when I was simply doing it for my OWN reasons. No one has ever given DH trouble, and if they did it wouldn't last long. He's not easily made fun of, and is impossible to peer pressure.




Different sort of peer pressure:

Was just at a beer festival with my brother, and he enjoys a good whiskey and good beer. We got to talking. He cannot stand wine. His wife's a lawyer and they are always going to fancy parties, and people pressure him about wine (they don't pressure her, she doesn't drink except for a girly drink every few years or so) because if you like the other things, you should like wine. Then they say he hasn't had GOOD wine. Well our mom worked at a GOOD winery for a few years, and in our home alcohol wasn't completely forbidden to the kids, and at a very young age (he said 5 but I dont' think our mom was working there yet, probably more like at 8) the kid could smell a wine and know the vintage etc. He had a VERY good "nose", and was around really good wines for those years. He just flat out doesn't LIKE it. He now thinks that wine snobs are people that just don't want to admit that they want the booze! And going from the wine snobs he and I grew up with and around, and the ones he knows and I know personally, I can't come up with a good argument for it! (wine gives me terrible heartburn and I can't say I like the taste much myself)

 

[Deb in IA]

And if you disagree, what are you going to tell your daughter when she asks if it's hypocritical for you to have sex while telling her not to...

You are really asking this???????

Do you have kids???


Of course, I am going to tell her that having sex as we do, within marriage, is just fine and dandy.

Just like not drinking, not smoking, etc, like we do, is also fine and dandy.

 

[tlbwriter]

You are really asking this???????

Do you have kids???

Of course, I am going to tell her that having sex as we do, within marriage, is just fine and dandy.

See, that's exactly what I was saying. You're not going to stop having sex because it's "hypocritical." You're going to tell her that there are times sex is appropriate and times it is not.

Just like not drinking, not smoking, etc, like we do, is also fine and dandy.

Nothing at all wrong with choosing not to drink or smoke. I'm just saying that it's not the least bit hypocritical to do things that you don't want your kids to do.

 

[Deb in IA]

And we believe that "Do as I do, not as I say" teaches children much more effectively.

Even an 8 year old can see the disconnect with telling a kid not to drink as you are nursing a beer.

But as adults, we are great at rationalizing things, aren't we????

 

[tinatark]

I don't drink - well, maybe on vacation I will have a frou-frou drink, but mostly I just don't. Our close friends LOVE it - they always have a designated driver! LOL once this summer, we were talking about going to a quarterback club function with some more casual friends, DH told the husband of the group that *we* always have a DD, his wife (me)... the other guy asked if he could trade wives sometime then, once he realized what he said, he quickly added, "I mean, for driving..."

Some of our more casual acquaintenances will ask our closer friends if there's some *reason* I don't drink, but don't say anything to me.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Here's one for you. I AM a drinker. Well, not like a WHOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO drinker every night til I yodel groceries but still. I do enjoy wine and I do enjoy a mixed drink and I like certain high-end beers.

But.

But I never, EVER will drink and drive. Not even a little bit. Not even just after one drink with dinner.


This has led me into the strangest situations ever. Thank goodness I have a strong personality and can handle it but I even got stress from my husband once over it. We had a nice long talk after that and I had to make myself clear, again, why I won't drink and drive.

I honestly think I get almost the same stress as non-drinkers, so I feel for you. If I am the designated driver, guess what? You are getting home safe and sound. I couldn't tell you how many times people have teased me or better yet, ignored me and said that I was kidding.

Well, no, I'm not kidding. If I am driving, no drinkie. If I'm having a drinkie, no drivie!

 

[Magpie]

And we believe that "Do as I do, not as I say" teaches children much more effectively.

Even an 8 year old can see the disconnect with telling a kid not to drink as you are nursing a beer.

But as adults, we are great at rationalizing things, aren't we????

I can tell the same 8yo not to use the nail gun while I have it in my hand, fixing the back fence.

I can tell this 8yo, "You don't get to drive until you're 16," while I'm driving down the road.

So yeah, I could EASILY tell an 8yo, "You're not old enough to drink," while nursing a beer, if I was so inclined.

Being a good role model for your children doesn't mean you have to ACT like a child all the time. Otherwise, we'd be going to bed at 8pm, giving up our driver's licenses, committing to celibacy and all sorts of other ridiculous things. And we wouldn't be teaching our kids a darn thing.

As a non-drinker, I don't need to rationalize. But I think it's absurd for adults to pretend they don't drink, if they do. Or give it up because they think that will somehow make their kids into teetotalers. Better to be open and responsible and actually TALK about the difference between Daddy enjoying a glass of very fine Scotch in the evening, and a teenager doing keg stands at a house party. Even an 8yo can see the difference between those two scenarios!

 

[Scurvy]

OP, I'm shocked that people would treat you that way. I very rarely drink alcohol and I've never had anyone make any sort of comment except to ask if I'm sure when I turn down a drink they offer me.

I can tell the same 8yo not to use the nail gun while I have it in my hand, fixing the back fence.

I can tell this 8yo, "You don't get to drive until you're 16," while I'm driving down the road.

So yeah, I could EASILY tell an 8yo, "You're not old enough to drink," while nursing a beer, if I was so inclined.

Being a good role model for your children doesn't mean you have to ACT like a child all the time. Otherwise, we'd be going to bed at 8pm, giving up our driver's licenses, committing to celibacy and all sorts of other ridiculous things. And we wouldn't be teaching our kids a darn thing.

As a non-drinker, I don't need to rationalize. But I think it's absurd for adults to pretend they don't drink, if they do. Or give it up because they think that will somehow make their kids into teetotalers. Better to be open and responsible and actually TALK about the difference between Daddy enjoying a glass of very fine Scotch in the evening, and a teenager doing keg stands at a house party. Even an 8yo can see the difference between those two scenarios!

Exactly. That's one thing I dislike about many school drug and alcohol programs. They seem to see no difference between an adult enjoying a glass of wine with dinner and a teen raiding the liquor cabinet. I can't count the number of parents I've heard complaining about that heavy handed approach. Kids are not stupid. Even an 8 year old is capable of understanding that some activities are appropriate for adults and not for children. They know that children and adults are not the same, and they understand that the same rules do not apply to the two groups. Unless a parent is trying to teach her child to never, ever drink even when she's an adult, there's nothing at all hypocritical about an adult who does drink telling the child not to drink until the child is old enough.