A BAD situation...What would you do

[disneyde]

((((OP))))) First off, a little hug for you!

As a therapist (and a daughter) I can tell you that you can't chose your family. Whether that be an ungrateful parent, obnoxious sibling, hideous aunt, etc.

What you CAN do is chose how you react to the situation. So many of us walk through life hurt, angry, and bewildered by the actions of people who are related to us by blood.

What I want to know is, how long would you tolerate this toxic behavior from a friend? Just because someone shares the same blood does not give them an excuse to treat you badly.

Now, I am not saying to disown your mother. However, you need to set some boundaries with yourself, on how and where she will fit into your life. Since you cannot control her attitudes...you need to begin with things you CAN control...your own emotional well-being and reactions to her treatments of you.

Not just in the case of this vacation (a symptom) but also in your every day encounters.

And yes, I would leave her home..and enjoy your loving hubby. How wonderful to hear you have never sided against each other! What a treasure your relationship must be!! Go celebrate that!!

First off let me say based on the number of responses that I think this has hit home emotionally for many who have read and responded to this post. I agree with Misa's response. BOUNDARIES are very important to your sanity and your marriage. My ex-husband had none and a very toxic mother thus we are no longer married. I'm glad your husband stood up to her. Maybe if I had stood up to to my MIL (I thought my ex husband place to do so) I would still be married to him. Maybe he would have supported me. Maybe it's harder to stand up to our own parents because we're conditioned to submission by our years as children trying to forever gain the approval and unconditional love we never felt. Our parents are less than perfect. And now being a parent I appreciate that I'm far from the perfect parent as well. One of my personal steps in growing myself up was in forgiving my parents for not loving me the way I wanted to be loved. They loved me the best way they knew how. Parents don't always show love (their own fear and trust issues) and sometimes they even act out their own personal dramas to try and get their own need for attention and love met. I think we are all children at times (even our parents). Like children we might not feel safe or loved unless we are given boundaries. Children and adults both will keeping pushing and testing the boundaries until the boundares are set and have been tested. Then once you've made it clear what your boundaries are often times you recieve more respect. Your Mom sounds like overall (and I don't mean in this circumstance) like she takes you for granted. That you give and give and give and she takes and takes and takes. Sounds like she's the child and your the parent and she has too many "things" from you.....ie acts of service (driving around town), quality time (taking her on vacation), gifts (vacations), maybe she needs to hear the words...I love you....Great book by Gary Chapman the 5 languages of love....I very highly recommend everyone reading it.....it sounds like no matter what you do she's not getting her love needs met because she's never happy....she just may be one of those people who are never happy then that's her problem and you can't slove that but I think it is very helpful to understand people and the reason they are the way they are. I do wonder if you have ever have said no to her until now. Thank God for DH supporting you...yeah for him!!!!! And I'll share one last thing my EX mil used to go on ALL our family vacations if that tells you anything. It wasn't healthy for my marriage. She talked constantly and it was always complaining mostly about other people. The true sign of a miserable person with low self-esteem. My ex never set boundaries with her. I felt disrespected and unimportant to him. I'm glad you've stuck by DH and supported him very important. I wasn't angry at her I was angry at him. Every night at dinner time she would call and talk for an hour. At that time I didn't know how to identify or verbalize my anger so I swallowed it and passive agressively just decided to stop cooking dinner. I like to think I'm wiser at least in some ways now. So, I think a nice WDW vacation without Mommy dearest sounds like just the ticket enjoy and keep standing by your man he sounds like a good one.

 

[SammieG]

These posts have made me laugh and cry. Everyone has a touching and emotional story about their Moms. I would hate to think that my Mom has a physical illness that is making her behave this way, but I doubt it. She has been behaving this way for years. It's funny, but I watch the way she interacts with her grandchildren (my neice and nephew) my brother's children , my brother and I are very close. My DH and I and my brother and sister in law are very close. My mom is always yelling and scolding my 6 year old neice but my nephew is showered in affection. My brother and his wife notice this and ask me why she is always yelling at her. My neice just adores her. She draws her pictures, wants to help her cook dinner and make cookies and I just hear my mother scold her.."go inside, your a very bad girl, why don;t you listen..." While I was talking to my brother one day I had the lightbulb go off over my head. The way my Mom treats my neice is the same way she treated me. Thank God I had a wonderful Dad!

Two years ago, for what we thought was my Mom's 65th birthday (she lied about her age) I just found out she will be 70 this Nov) my DH and I took my Mom to Las Vegas. We paid for everything...first class air, lakeview room at the Bellagio, dinners at expensive restaurants and tickets to see "O". Not jsut any seats, but 2nd row center at $150.00 a seat. My DH and I already saw the show but thought she would enjoy it. the only thing she had to bring was gambling money. Well all she did was smoke, she did not gamble, I was sitting at a machine aand had this awful cig smoke blowing in my face. It was my Mom. I said what are you doing why don't you play? She told me she was already down $80.00 (this was day 2). The food at Prime was "salty", the lobster pie at Michel Mina's was "just ok" and she fell asleep during the "O" show. When I asked her if she liked the show....her response was..... I don't know, they all looked sooooo Gay.

So I guess this is all my fault. I honestly thought we were giving her something to look forward to and celebrate her retirement. We knew she would be a pain, but willing to over look it, add a few days to the trip and take our time. We should have learned my lesson, and just kept that time for just DH and I. Now it is going to feel strange going without her only because she was once part of the plan. My brother thought we were crazy to ask her after what she did to him at WDW 3 years ago....but that's another post. He thinks she shoud be the one taking all of us.

I think you're a wonderful daughter and you obviously love your mum.

Only you can decide what is best for you in this situation. Take her with you, and potentially have her ruin it for you.. or leave her behind and face the consequences of leaving her (potential guilt and perhaps some unpleasantness on her part again).. so to be honest you cant win!

You just need to weigh up what is best for YOU, and how you will deal with it.
The situation is so close to mine; Your Las Vegas trip, sounds just like a trip to Disney we took my parents on.. they were ungrateful and a difficult and totally ruined our trip! (after just one afternoon at downtown disney and two weeks still to go on our vacation, my dad announced he had seen way too much mickey mouse and didnt want to see any more)

anyway.. Im sorry youre going through all this. parents are complicated!

 

[Lorelai]

I definitely think that just traveling with your husband (from now on) would be the most emotionally sound decision. If not for your own happiness, than consider the stress your poor husband must face having to spend his vacations this way.

I also think that showering someone, who was never appreciative or positive in the first place, with ridiculously extravagant gifts is enabling bad behavior. It's like with parenting, never reward bad behavior.

I realize that you were trying to show her love, but the best way to do that is through real and honest communication. Now, if she is really as mean spirited as your posts describe, than she may not be open to getting to know the real you, apart from your wallet.

I would make time for an uninterrupted, one on one, conversation and tell her all that you have told us here at the DIS. If only for your own mental health, you should definitely let her know how much damage she has done to you emotionally.

I hope that you and your husband have the best vacation ever, just the two of you.

 

[Brise Nannie]

I'd leave her home and enjoy a nice trip Magical trip with your DH. I have a MIL somewhat like your mother. We can't please her no matter how hard we try. So I stopped trying.

 

[liltoot]

I am SO in agreement with this, speaking from personal experience. People who say things like, "you must forgive, " and "don't forget she's your mother" and "she's probably doing the best she can " etc., etc. did NOT grow up with an abusive parent. A great book on this subject is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.



Just because someone has chosen to forgive don't assume that they did not grow up with an abusive parent. You would be very wrong. Unforgiveness eats away at you. Not the person that hurt you.

 

[taximomfor4]

I am SO in agreement with this, speaking from personal experience. People who say things like, "you must forgive, " and "don't forget she's your mother" and "she's probably doing the best she can " etc., etc. did NOT grow up with an abusive parent. A great book on this subject is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.



Just because someone has chosen to forgive don't assume that they did not grow up with an abusive parent. You would be very wrong. Unforgiveness eats away at you. Not the person that hurt you.

Very true. I did, and I forgave. I did so, but I have, after several years of therapy, changed my expectations, the boundaries, and the dynamics of the relationships. My parents are no longer toxic for me, and are forgiven because that was what I HAD to do. Once I got to that point, with the help of a wonderful counselor, I knew I had truly begun healing.

What works for one may not work for all. I just wanted to back up what this PP said, that sometimes children of abusive parents CAN forgive.

 

[Leigha]

I'm going to have to say go without her. I'd make a copy of my credit card bill showing my correct charge on that same day, say I'm sorry she decided not to go and never mention it again! You don't have to drop her totally but I would give her some space so she might realize what she's done and that she has gone too far this time. Don't feel guilty. You can still do the day trips and call her but there is no way I'd spend more time than that at this point! She's making these choices and you need to respond accordingly based on what's best for you. She sounds like a child and you wouldn't let your child get away with this behavior, would you? Good Luck!

 

[mking624]

Oh wow, what a difficult situation!! We're like you in that my DH and I do not takes sides against each other. My dh is my priority before my parents and anyone else...and the same goes for him. So as much as I love my parents (and he his), we won't tolerate them speaking down about each other.

Please forgive me for any assumptions I'm making...this is the counselor in me.....
You mentioned about how your mom trreating your niece is the same way she has treated you...and thank God you had a wonderful Dad. I am wondering if a subconscious reason you've been showering her with these extravagant gifts is a way to try and win her approval so she stops treating you that way?

Anyway, it seems to me that these gifts and trips and such have become expected by her. So when she sees she's paying for something other than what she "insisted" on (even if by mistake like what happened here), she throws a fit. She's come to expect that these things are to be free for her. And as a result, she's become incredibly unappreciative of what you do for her. I know she's your mom, but I think it's time to cut the strings. I don't mean that you stop talking to her and cut off the relationship. What I mean is that if she expects to do things with you all, it may be time she starts paying her own way. I realize that might be difficult now with her retirement, but it may help her open her eyes to see that she can't just expect you all to do it for her every single time. Perhaps then she'll be a little more appreciative.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

As I have grown older and a tiny bit wiser I have discovered that you MUST forgive in order to be forgiven yourself and besides it helps YOU even if it does not do a darned thing for the one who is forgiven. Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting though as you have to learn from past experiences.

I am wondering if the mom in question does not have a problem with females and in some sense dislikes herself. My mil did not care for her only daughter, granted who did many things but then so did her 6 six sons). I have always wondered which came first, her dislike of women in general or the daughter. I think the former. Very sad and she probably did not even recognize this fact. We seldom see ourselves as others do. Might be good, might be bad.

I always wished that it were possible to sit down, one on one, and calmly discuss mutual problems and work out a solution but since we are human and not often capable of seeing our own faults or another POV it is a difficult thing.

Differences can be good , IF we do not insist on others sharing ours.

When we love someone it makes it much easier to get our feelings hurt too.

The ramblings of a muddled mind.

Slightly Goofy

 

[luvthemouse71]

Have you considered that maybe there is some early dementia or alzheimer's going on? Did she ever have a history of mental illness? What makes me say that is the "detective" comment. Also, the CC thing seems to have brought out some paranoid behavior-some of the personality disorders manifest like that. In any case, be good to yourself and go enjoy WDW with your husband. It sounds like you are a good daughter-you need to take care of your needs and health as well.

 

[dizneydiva2005]

Leave her home! I've uninvited my mother before. Yes, it causes a problem, but I refuse to go to WDW again and have another family member ruin it. Soooooo hopefully after uninviting her a couple of times our next planned trip together in Feb. will go without headaches. I'm laughing at that one....

go have a guilt free, fun trip and don't give it another thought.