A BAD situation...What would you do

[snusnu]

I am so overwhelmed at the amount of caring responses Thank all you so much.

I am leaving her alone for now. To be honest, my mother and I were never close. We are total opposites. She never really bothered with me much until my Dad got ill and passed away. My father did everything for her....cook, clean, shop, pay bills, drive her everywhere. She was very dependant on him. I do things for her because I love her, not because I like her. She was always mean spirited and sarcastic, but now more so. She never affected me, somehow I always have a strong sense of myself. I never feel that I have to win her affection. I guess I always thought that if she approved of me, I would be like her....that's not going to happen. She had her life being obsessed with my Dad and I had mine actually living. Now that my Dad is gone, she has no life because she was so dependant on him for 43 years. I have tried to get her to counseling, but she refused many times.

This episode kind of upsets me because it is disturbing to see a person behave this way. I guess I feel more sadness for her than anything -her grief has turned to extreme bitterness and anger. She has a big beautiful house, tons of money, a family that cares......and yet she has nothing.

My DH and I are going to go anyway. It's his B'Day and he loved it so much last year. My DH comes first. I will still take care of her and do what needs to be done. Unfortunately I will never feel any kind of closeness to her anymore due to one of her recent rantings. She told me that my father said to her as he way dying that "I feel so sorry that I am leaving you with her." I never believed it, my Dad and I were very close. It just shows me that I can only learn to be civil to her. Because of that comment I literally felt the love for her leave my soul.

Lesson learned: I did invited her because I felt guilty that we have fun and she doesn't anymore. I thought it would be something for her to look forward to. Don't do things out of guilt.

This just gets worse and worse. There is something to be said for the fact that she is your mother, and that she gave birth to you, but that is where it ends. Her being your mother does not mean that she is a good person or that she deserves your respect and attention. Those who believe that an abusive parent deserves these things merely because they are a parent are, in my opinion, cracked. The comment she made to you about what your father supposedly said was deliberately calculated to cause you pain, was meant merely to drive a wedge between you and the memory of your father, and that's not only cruel but vindictive and pathological. Look, I am obviously not a psychiatrist, but you seem like such a nice person, and nice people often get put upon because they believe in doing the right thing. However, you cannot continue to do the right thing at such a high cost to yourself. If she is so well-to-do, a Disney hotel expense should be nothing to her. She can order groceries, she can shop on line. She is using you because you are letting her. It seems that you need to find a way to let her go. It is HER FAULT that she doesn't have any more fun. She has the mind and the means and chooses misery.

I know that many people have said that they wish they had their parents back after they died, no matter the annoyances, but there are many people who, when their awful parent has died, have said good riddance. My father, aunts and uncles were such people. My grandfather was a wretched, abusive horror, and the world was better off without him.

Forgive your mother for her terrible behavior, as that will help you move on, but don't put yourself in her path any longer.

 

[sjams]

*Sigh* Family relationships are so complicated, aren't they? I empathize with your situation and agree with other posters that this vacation should be spent with you and your DH and filled with love and laughter, not tears and accusations.

I thought about Miss Manners when I read about your mother's behavior. It is Miss Manners, I believe, who has noted with some surprise and much disappointment that family members are often under the mistaken belief that it's acceptable to treat your family with less regard than you would treat a complete stranger, that your public face is not needed at home where you are free to "be yourself." She notes, however, that "being yourself" does not mean disregarding others' feelings/needs or behaving badly, and calls for us to treat our loved ones with the same courtesy we would treat anyone else.

It's strange, isn't it, that the reactions to behaviors we wouldn't condone in other people--the kind of behavior that would merit their elimination from our dance cards, so to speak--we don't apply to our families. We offer apologies and rationales for our family members' behaviors, all the while seeking approval from those who wield their love like a weapon. And the damage is does to us, and to our other relationships, is immeasurable. Although we're told that family relationships are integral to our development as loving, ethical individuals--and I believe they are--one of the effects of such cultural beliefs is that it makes it much harder to determine how to interact with family members who are (self)destructive. Do we maintain contact with these people and, if so, what kind of contact?

Obviously I, too, struggle with this question. It's a lifelong struggle. I have come to the understanding that I cannot change my parents' behavior toward me, my DH, or even to each other. And I admittedly find it difficult to change my behavior toward them when I'm in their physical presence; for some reason I return to my sulky 9 year-old self in their company. (Why, oh why, can I find this fountain of youth in other parts of my life??? ) So my solution has been to limit my contact with them. I keep lines of communication open--mostly through emails and postcards, where the communication is one-directional, where I can walk away from the biting remarks and choose not to respond to them. It keeps me calmer, healthier, and less depressed, although I still experience the cultural guilt that goes along with this decision. Still, as you suggest in your post, sometimes you need to make such choices.

So, I whole-heartedly agree: Go to WDW with DH, enjoy your trip and possibly a new way of interacting with your mother. This trip can be a watershed moment and mark your "line in the sand," the limits to what you will accept from your mother. Going without her--and calmly stating why--makes it clear you aren't willing to jeopardize your trip or, more importantly your relationship with your DH and your own sense of self. You can send her postcards and buy her a memento, leaving the door open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I believe bringing her along would be detrimental. After all, you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect.

Good luck with your decisions. My thoughts are with you.

WOW! That was wonderfully put. Are you a counselor? If not you would make and excellent one!!!

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

I am absolutely positive that I irritate my children and I am less than perfect.

I try to behave, honestly I do.

My birthday was three days ago. I have a lot of cards and had phone calls and even a surprise BD party given by friends but not one card from either of my children.

I have not seen my son nor my 4 grandkids from that side of the family in over 4 years. His wife homeschools the kids and they do not have contact with either side of the family or anyone else. When we were in contact I babysat on demand (right choice of words) obeyed their rules (one was that I was not allowed to write their name in the books I gave them because of a restriction against personal property) and bit my lip over the most outrageous things a mil has ever heard without repeating a single word to my son.

I see my dd's children often as one is learning disabled and one is gifted and I tutor them both. I take care of them so their parents can work. I keep them in the summer so they do not have to go to daycare. I drive the carpools for them and their friends. I answer upward of six or more phone calls from my oldest grandson each day because he is lonely and needs someone to talk to. I do it because I love them and their parents. I do not understand them but I do love them ALL.

I did not get a card last year either. The odd thing is that many of my children's friends are my friends as well and I am a surrogate mother to many of them. I was their 4-H leader and they grew up in my home because I ran my home in such a way that my kids and their friends were always welcome at home where I could make sure they were safe.

On the two occasions when I was lucky enough to be at DW with my dd and her family I took care of the kids when I was needed and disappeared the rest of the time. (please do not tell them but I did not really wanna hang around with them either)

I have been told that where I went wrong is in doing too much and expecting too little. If I expect something my grandkids will suffer and I might well not see any of them. If I stop doing what I do, out of love not as a bribe or anything, I would not be me. I would not want to be other than who I am. It would be false.

Luckily not many families are as dysfunctional but would it not be wonderful if everyone could love and respect each other, differences and all? Mothers need to know that their children have a right to live their lives and that they must have a life of their own so that they are not dependent on happiness from their children and children need to respect their parents for at least attempting to do right even though we are not any more perfect than our children might be?

From Goofy to Goofie, bless your wonderful heart in bending over backward for your mom but you are so right in leaving her home this trip. Maybe she will see the light and recognize what a jewel she has in you as a daughter and things will improve. I most sincerely hope so.

Slightly Goofy

 

[KatheeME]

Do NOT take her, period. Being someone's parent does not give them the right to abuse their children, no matter what age they are! I hope you and your dh have a magical time!

 

[KatheeME]

But, do NOT think her behavior is in any YOUR fault, it is not. I have nothing against counseling, it can be a wonderful thing, but being a birth mother doesn't make one a Mom, kwim? Do what is BEST for you, in this case I would say stay clear or at least try to go into situation with her knowing that you can't control her actions or her words towards you. You sound like you have your head screwed on straight and have a great dh, good luck!

Seriously. I had similar issues w/my dad (co-dependency in that case) - I finally went to counseling when it started affecting my marriage - it wasn't fun or short, but it worked and now I have better relations with both my wife and my dad. You're using this board to vent your frustrations. That's fine, but it sounds like a trained professional could really help you. I'm not saying that counseling will necessarily help your relationship with your mom, but it will help you deal with the obviously tough issue of not getting the love/respect/caring that you would expect to get from her.

 

[KatheeME]

Those who believe that an abusive parent deserves these things merely because they are a parent are, in my opinion, cracked.

Thank you! I am glad to see I am not the only one that sees this!

 

[goofie4goofy]

These posts have made me laugh and cry. Everyone has a touching and emotional story about their Moms. I would hate to think that my Mom has a physical illness that is making her behave this way, but I doubt it. She has been behaving this way for years. It's funny, but I watch the way she interacts with her grandchildren (my neice and nephew) my brother's children , my brother and I are very close. My DH and I and my brother and sister in law are very close. My mom is always yelling and scolding my 6 year old neice but my nephew is showered in affection. My brother and his wife notice this and ask me why she is always yelling at her. My neice just adores her. She draws her pictures, wants to help her cook dinner and make cookies and I just hear my mother scold her.."go inside, your a very bad girl, why don;t you listen..." While I was talking to my brother one day I had the lightbulb go off over my head. The way my Mom treats my neice is the same way she treated me. Thank God I had a wonderful Dad!

Two years ago, for what we thought was my Mom's 65th birthday (she lied about her age) I just found out she will be 70 this Nov) my DH and I took my Mom to Las Vegas. We paid for everything...first class air, lakeview room at the Bellagio, dinners at expensive restaurants and tickets to see "O". Not jsut any seats, but 2nd row center at $150.00 a seat. My DH and I already saw the show but thought she would enjoy it. the only thing she had to bring was gambling money. Well all she did was smoke, she did not gamble, I was sitting at a machine aand had this awful cig smoke blowing in my face. It was my Mom. I said what are you doing why don't you play? She told me she was already down $80.00 (this was day 2). The food at Prime was "salty", the lobster pie at Michel Mina's was "just ok" and she fell asleep during the "O" show. When I asked her if she liked the show....her response was..... I don't know, they all looked sooooo Gay.

So I guess this is all my fault. I honestly thought we were giving her something to look forward to and celebrate her retirement. We knew she would be a pain, but willing to over look it, add a few days to the trip and take our time. We should have learned my lesson, and just kept that time for just DH and I. Now it is going to feel strange going without her only because she was once part of the plan. My brother thought we were crazy to ask her after what she did to him at WDW 3 years ago....but that's another post. He thinks she shoud be the one taking all of us.

 

[Antonia]

Definitely go without her. I think it is high time you and DH had some enjoyment - just the two of you. My DH and I are going by ourselves in September and I literally cannot wait!

Go with DH and have the time of your lives!!!!

 

[Trev's mom]

Having lost a parent I find this thread very difficult to read. I don't really get along with my mother and we're planning a trip this Christmas to Disney. My mother and I don't always get along because we are so alike and both very high maintenance. We have to work really hard to make sure that we don't fight or pick at one another and we generally need a break from one another when we are spending more then a few days together.

No one in the world frustrates me like my mother. She can push my buttons and be difficult. However, as crazy as we make one another, she is the only parent I have and for that reason I need to kind of deal with whatever she does, good or bad.

My father was the light of my life. He was a good friend and wasn't ever a challenge to be around. When I lost him there was a certain part of my heart that died too. His last wish was that I would take care of my mom. So, even though we may fight and snip at one another and even though she may do some really nutty things, I have to look past that. It is an amazing challenge and I'm not really good at it but after having my son I realized just how much mothers do for their children.

This is just my opinion..... Go with your mother and enjoy the good things and look past the bad. Look the other way when the not so nice comments come out and change the subject when what she is saying makes you angry. Most important.... remember how much your mother has given to you....unconditional love and life. It is very sad that she is not happy but you can not be the one to change that. She is the only one that can make herself happy. Last thought..... if you decide to go it would be good to encourage her to invite a friend. It's great to have a distraction when the scene turns bad. It helps to have a fourth person to change the third wheel dynamic.
Either way, good luck

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Those who believe that an abusive parent deserves these things merely because they are a parent are, in my opinion, cracked.

Thank you! I am glad to see I am not the only one that sees this!

I am SO in agreement with this, speaking from personal experience. People who say things like, "you must forgive, " and "don't forget she's your mother" and "she's probably doing the best she can " etc., etc. did NOT grow up with an abusive parent. A great book on this subject is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

to the OP. I'm so happy for you that you have a great, supportive husband. Your mother does not deserve, much less appreciate, what a wonderful person you are, but it sounds like your husband does! Have a really fun time at WDW and don't let your mean, bitter mother sour any of your love for the good life you have built.

 

[mickeyfan2]

There is no reason to be between your mom and your DH. You are married to DH and he comes first. Leave mom home and you and DH go to WDW.

 

[rigs32]

Most important.... remember how much your mother has given to you....unconditional love and life.

Based on what the OP wrote, I don't think I can classifying what her mother has done is give her unconditional love, unless that umbrella includes emotional abuse and manupulation.

 

[raspberrysharpei]

Having read the posts & having grown up in a similar situation I can only offer a compassionate opinion. Children always want the acceptance of their parents, that's why you continue to go above & beyond with your generosity with her. Sometimes parents do not have the ability to communicate positive, loving relationships. Your mom sounds like a very co-dependent woman. You should be commended for your efforts, because family is important.

My mother IS my best friend, my father used to treat me the same way your mom treats you. It hurts, because you try SO HARD to bring a bit of happiness & love to this woman just to have her squash you like a bug, the emotional scars last forever.

Take your DH away to WDW & enjoy a magical trip (don't feel guilty for leaving mom behind). Perhaps you can make arrangements for a different type of trip for just you and your mom, a day spa or something nice & simple. I'm not saying to continue to let her treat you like crap, but I will remind you that mom will pass one day-as ornery, mean, and nasty as she's been (I've been there)-you will appreciate having some good memories to hold on to.

Remember to take care of the most important person---that's yourself. I'm sure you will make the right decisions & your DH will be right by your side for support.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I have to agree with the ones saying go without your mother. Just because you are related does not mean you have to be joined at the hip. I love my mother but would not even dream of going to WDW with her as its the holiday from hell for her. Also you don't always feel guilty when loosing a parent, my father died about a year and a half ago and I still don't feel any grief at his passing just anger, having spent the last year and a half telling over a dozen credit card companies and about banks that the debts he left are not getting paid. For you own sanity and the safety of your marriage go and enjoy your holiday and don't let yourself get guilted out of this family pleasure.

 

[PaulaSue]

Ohh, take me instead. I will mother you "nicely" if you want.

Good Luck in what you and Dh decide!

 

[faindrops27]

OP, i can understand your pain. Im so sorry this happened to you. You definately dont deserve such abuse. I am now in the process of trying to forgive my mother in law. Ok, here is the situation. My husband has a brother. Who can give a flying you know what about his mother. My husband on the other end. Will have our family go without just to appease his mother. She lost her husband 3 months ago. He didnt write a will. But, one of the policies, she just got. Was 500,000. He had 4 more for hundreds of thousands more. She has no mortgage. No debt. Well ok, so my husband and i are both gainfully employed full time. We are saving money for our 3 children. For thier college. Savings, which cannot be touched. We had the misfortune of the boiler blowing up. It was totalled, and we needed a new one for 4500. Needed it. for without it, there woiuld be no hot water. To come up with that money. We would need to save for at least 3 months. My husband asks his mother to loan him the money. Not give, loan. He would pay her interest. Because, he didnt want to see his family struggle without hot water. She told him no. But, I found out the same week she gave my husband brother 10,000 for a I love you gift. I cannot stand the ground she walks on. We had to, go without hot water for a month and a half. Scrimp, and save every penny, we had to come up with the new boiler. We even came very close to missing a mortgage payment. And still to this day my husband will kiss the ground she walks on. I could never be so cruel. I really cant stand her.

 

[Misa]

((((OP))))) First off, a little hug for you!

As a therapist (and a daughter) I can tell you that you can't chose your family. Whether that be an ungrateful parent, obnoxious sibling, hideous aunt, etc.

What you CAN do is chose how you react to the situation. So many of us walk through life hurt, angry, and bewildered by the actions of people who are related to us by blood.

What I want to know is, how long would you tolerate this toxic behavior from a friend? Just because someone shares the same blood does not give them an excuse to treat you badly.

Now, I am not saying to disown your mother. However, you need to set some boundaries with yourself, on how and where she will fit into your life. Since you cannot control her attitudes...you need to begin with things you CAN control...your own emotional well-being and reactions to her treatments of you.

Not just in the case of this vacation (a symptom) but also in your every day encounters.

And yes, I would leave her home..and enjoy your loving hubby. How wonderful to hear you have never sided against each other! What a treasure your relationship must be!! Go celebrate that!!

 

[lorrainesy]

Last month my DH and I decided to take my Mom to WDW in Dec. It is to celebrate his birthday and her retirement. My mom insisted on paying for her own room and gave me her CC to do so. I booked 2 rooms, 1 on my CC the other on hers. Her CC bill came and apparently WDW made a mistake and put both room reservations on her card.

The problem comes in here:

In a nasty tone she tell me we have to talk. She shows me her CC bill with 2 charges on it. She tells me that she already called the CC company and the charges were made the same time (duh!) and what am I going to do about it. I had just walked in and her tone shocked me. I said I would call WDW and straighten it out and she says to me what about the money, I'm paying interest on this. She was so rude and nasty (as she always is) and treated me as if I was trying to steal from her. My husband then walks in and she started in with him telling him how impossible I am....well that was it! Now my DH does not want to go with her, and he told her so. He feels that we should not be spoken to that way. Her response was - Good I didn't want to go anyway. Nice huh! I did not even get to offer her a check for the amount.

My DH and I take her out for upscale dinners, Limo shopping trips to Manhattan, I drive her everywhere (does not drive) take her on expensive vacations (where we pay all). We were going to pay for everything for her on this trip too (except the room..which she insised on paying for), I have ADR's for all the great restaurants including V&A's. We have always been more than generous to a person who I now realize does not deserve it.My DH always treates her with kindness and respect...then with this he just will not take her garbage anymore. We would never take anything from my mother, It was a mistake made by WDW. We are just so hurt that she would think this way, and react in such a manner. She does have a nasty demeanor about her at all times, but this time it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

A part of me will feel guilty going without her but I refuse to be stuck in the middle of my DH and my Mom. My DH and I always stick together and never take sides againt one another.

What would you do in a sticky situation like this?

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother so I feel your frustration and understand your hurt.....and yes even the being so feed up, lashing out and wanting to leave her behind. Trust me I've been there many times.
I too have treated my mother to some very nice things, drive her around ENDLESSLY and have had to ignore her nasty remarks when she would rather throw a tantrum then find out what is really going on. But she is also my mother and I love her dearly just as I know she loves me. Honestly she does just as much for me as I do for her
There have been many times that I've wanted to ditch her, once when we were at Sixflags she made me so mad I almost left her there.....but I don't think I could every really do it, I'd feel too badly.
Mother daughter relationships are very complicated. Daughters grow up but mother seam to have a hard time seeing them as adults.
I wont make any suggestions about bringing your mother on the trip. I don’t know your mother’s side and honestly since I don’t know any of you I don’t think my advise would be worth much. What I will suggest is it might help things if you stop looking at this as a fight with you and your husband against your mother. That is how little problems turn into huge fights. This is the steps I would suggest to solve the problem while keeping the piece within the family.
1~clear up credit card misunderstand
2~discuss your hurt feelings over her lack of trust/ respect (but be careful not to blame her)
3~ when you and your mother are good again her relationship with your husband should fall back into place with a few kind words.
4~ lastly decide as a family if you all going to Disney together is something that can work.

As I said, I don’t know you so I’m not sure if this will work for you or not….it’s just the way I go about keeping the peace with my family …..and trust me we are all hot headed Germans so using reason and talking is not ways easy for us but I believe it is the best way.

You can’t chose your family but you can chose the type of relationship you have with them. Best of luck to you. I hope things work out well for all of you.

 

[Jennick]

Oh my heart goes out to you. After all you have done for your mom I can't believe she would think you tried to "pull a fast one" over on her. I agree with the OP's leave her at home and enjoy a "magical" vacation without her.
Not sure if I am correct, but I got the impression from when you said when you came home your mom said you needed to talk, that maybe your mom lives with you? If so,have you tried having a heart to heart talk with her? My mom just moved in with my sister and her family this past November. Like you, my sister, does everything for mom, takes her everywhere, etc. and she never asks anything of mom, no rent, no groceries, nothing. But mom constantly tells her and her hubby and her children what they do wrong, and she says if they don't change some things she will move out. But then follows that statement that if she ever had to live alone she would die of lonliness. My sister and I love our mom to pieces, but we feel she is giving us a guilt trip to get what she wants when she says these things. So my sister decided to have a heart to heart with mom the other day. She told mom that enough was enough, she is more than welcome to live in their home as long as she likes, but she needs to stop criticizing everyone and go with the flow, if that isn't possible and she feels she needs to move out, then she's gotta do what she's gotta do. Mom hasn't mentioned it since!!
Have a wonderful trip to WDW you and your Hubby both deserve it!

 

[njchris]

I've got to play devil's advocate here. So many people are making massive judgements based on a few posts. As if they grew up with you both.

I see you wrote you love her but you dont like her? I don't get that.

There has to be a reason you and your DH took her on vacations and did things with her. Why would you have done all that if she as so impossible to get along with?

How long ago did your dad pass away? Could she just be mad/angry/bitter that her life as she knew it is gone? Maybe lashing out?

Your posts make it seem like your conversations you didn't say anything negative and she just started going nuts. Is that *really* how it happened?

Perhaps she is toxic, I know plenty of people's parents that are... but I just found it disturbing how many people were so quick to tell you to dump your mom based on a few posts.

I lost my dad last November. But in the years prior, I knew my parents were getting older. I stopped trying to tell them how to live and just let them live how they wanted and we became good friends. I respected their choices (for the most part! hehe) and they respected mine as a result.. AND by not constantly telling them they should be doing things this way or that way, I didn't make them feel like they were incapable/old/dependent.

I'd think hard before dumping her and how you really would feel if something did happen to her. If she truly is bad for you, then staying away is good and getting counseling would be good too.