A BAD situation...What would you do

[Piglet4Ever]

I agree with your DH and would go without her too. If that was her attitude for a mistake that wasn't even yours. I can just imagine the "fun" you would have at Disney.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

She told me that my father said to her as he way dying that "I feel so sorry that I am leaving you with her." I never believed it, my Dad and I were very close.

If you were so close to your father, he may have thought something along the lines that he felt so bad leaving you to deal with her, knowing full well how she can be with you.

Don't doubt for a second the loving relationship you had with your father. Take care of yourself (and your DH) first! Go to WDW and have an incredible time together!

If you think you can handle any sort of relationship with your mother in the future, even a superficial one, then I would keep the lines of communication open. If a healthy, respectful relationship is not possible, then you must do what's best for you.

 

[Smileybug]

Keep doing what you are and stick by your hubby!!

 

[Race the Reaper]

I agree with everyone. You should go with DH and have a great time. Pay her what you owe and let it go. Your life should not revolve around her. Just love her and move on with your life.
If all else fails,(putting flame suit on) just remember, you get to chose(if applicable) which nursing home she goes into.

 

[PrincessParty]

Could you just call and have her credit card credited and re book using you own card? No checks involved. No further discussion.

 

[Race the Reaper]

Could you just call and have her credit card credited and re book using you own card? No checks involved. No further discussion.

That seems the best route.

 

[java]

You know I just read an article and had a WOW moment. It was a woman describing her relationship problems and she traced it back to her mother. Then with therapy she came to realize that her mother and the men she was chosing were narcasists. It is all about them. Nothing you do will ever make them happy.NOTHING. So stop trying. I was screaming that is my Mother! It sounds like yours also. I am sorry. Time to get on with your life with your husband and just do what makes YOU happy in regards to your mother because you won't make her happy. Big HUG!! I am a mother now of 4 children and it pains me to see how easy it is to love them and to think my mother chose not to. We still talk 3 times a week- she calls me from her cell on her way to the market, or to her ladies club meetings or... whatever- always a quick Hi how are you.... kind of call- usually she is asking me to check on my little sister...But we keep it superficial ever since we had our big blowup after the birth of my last child. It works for me.

 

[SammieG]

I really understand your predicament... a few years ago, I posted something very similar... but things have changed now, and let me tell you a story...

3 years ago, we took my mother (imho over critical, and slightly difficult) on vacation with us.

Having said that, I am very much a "mummies girl" even though I was in my late 30's at the time, and we really wanted her to come along.

On day 2 she started complaining about EVERYTHING and was a total pain. She argued about everything, it was too hot, too loud, too humid, and she was miserable the entire time.

This actually caused an ENORMOUS arguement between DH and DM and he finally gave me an ultimatum that she either left or he did (and if I chose her, he would pack his bags, leave and basically leave the marriage too).

I begged him to stay and after a few hours of begging (this was a terrible situation for me).. he agreed..
DM's mood did slightly improve, but she wasnt happy and there was a terrible atmosphere for the rest of the vacation.

She left a few days before us, and we couldnt wait for her to go. She got back and told my father that she was totally traumatised by the situation.

A few weeks after her return to the UK, she became unwell and never recovered. Within a few months she had died, aged 62.
I now look back on that situation with severe regret and pain. I did not know she wasnt well (and neither did she).. but that is why she couldnt cope with the heat and intensity...

Now, with nearly three years between me and that situation, I can look at it, and know that she was doing the best she could.

All her criticisms of me, were just her wanting the best for me, and sometimes, lilke everyone getting it wrong, or saying it wrong.

One thing that I do know is that I would rather have my annoying, critical mother back here now, because I didnt realise the huge void I would have in my life without her.
I realise now, that she was just doing her best because she loved me but I chose not to see it that way at the time.

I dont know your situation, but I understand the feelings that you have, because I used to have them too.

However, I would give anything to have her back here with me now and argue with her, feel sorry for myself, and complain about her.
But I also miss talking to her, holding her hand and knowing that she was always there for me.

Please be grateful for the relationship that you DO have with your mother. Do not be quick to assume she is criticising you, when she might just be doing her best.

Even three years on, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and the huge gap in my life where my mother was can never ever be filled.

Only you can make the decision whether to take your mother or not, but please realise that they are not around for ever and I would do anything for just a few more minutes with my mum..let alone an entire vacation.

 

[MartDM]

Everything there is to be said on this matter has already been covered so I won't repeat, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with such a bitter hurtful Mom. I was particularly stunned by her false deathbed declaration of your father - clearly she is a very disturbed woman.

Kudos to you for not seeking her approval and for being strong & striving to live your life to the fullest despite this shackle around your neck. You've been kind to care for her out of obligation all this time and, being the great person you seem to be, I know you will still take care of her necessities. Your father was no doubt extremely proud of you for being as you are.

I do agree with a previous poster that the extras just aren't worth pursuing anymore though. Get her the groceries, take her to the doctor, etc. but save the fun stuff for those who appreciate it. Not to punish her mind you, but to spare you her obnoxiously ungrateful behavior.

Have a fantastic trip! You've earned it!

 

[annakris1973]

Wow! First off, to SammieG, I am so sorry about your mum hugs to you dear!

I learned about 6 years ago, that if I wanted to remain close with my mom and sister, to NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRAVEL WITH THEM. Lets face it, the Florida heat never brings out the GOOD in people! I took Dmom and Dsis to WDW a few years back, and will not be doing it again. I love them, because they are my family, but it is like another poster said- you can love someone, but that doesn't neccessarily mean you LIKE them! My personality style is definately not in the same zip code as theirs, so we adhere to the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" theory!

To the OP....big ...go out and buy something terribly sexy and frivolous for your dinner at V&A, and celebrate hubby's birthday in a big way!!!!

 

[100 acre wood]

My oh My!!
Go and enjoy some time with your DH! Let the ungrateful rent sit home and stew. My motto in life is it comes around and it goes around, so she will get hers, someday!

 

[liltoot]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. This hasn't been mentioned yet but I believe the most important thing you can do is to forgive her. This is about her not you. There must be something that you can think about her that is good. She gave you life and you sound great! Focus on the positives. You can't control what she says or does but you can take care of yourself and set up boundries with her. Have a wonderful time with your husband and if she starts some kind of guilt trip right before you go ( had a little practice with this and MIL ) tell her that was the choice she made and you'll be in touch when you get back.

 

[Hixski]

I would like to tell the OP to just go. And do not worry about not taking your Mom. It sounds like she would only make you regret asking her in the first place.

They other thing that amazes me is how many people have parents that act just like that. There is a thread on the Adults and Solo board called "Marrieds choosing not to have children". Most people are happy in their decisions but there are quite a few folks with kids trying to "change their minds"
It sounds as if some folks parents might have done better to not have children.

My parents are mostly great. My problem comes in because my brother (who is 42) lives at home with my parents. Does not need to, just never left. He has more money than my parents and my DH and I put together. I get so tired of my mother babying him to no end. Poor baby brother.....But I too just try to distance myself from all that. Too bad I am the one who always helps out with things. Brother does not lift a finger. Well maybe once in a blue moon..............

 

[cmassey]

you should continue to love your mother; but, perhaps including her out of this vacation is best for everyone.

 

[SammieG]

I am so overwhelmed at the amount of caring responses Thank all you so much.

I am leaving her alone for now. To be honest, my mother and I were never close. We are total opposites. She never really bothered with me much until my Dad got ill and passed away. My father did everything for her....cook, clean, shop, pay bills, drive her everywhere. She was very dependant on him. I do things for her because I love her, not because I like her. She was always mean spirited and sarcastic, but now more so. She never affected me, somehow I always have a strong sense of myself. I never feel that I have to win her affection. I guess I always thought that if she approved of me, I would be like her....that's not going to happen. She had her life being obsessed with my Dad and I had mine actually living. Now that my Dad is gone, she has no life because she was so dependant on him for 43 years. I have tried to get her to counseling, but she refused many times.

This episode kind of upsets me because it is disturbing to see a person behave this way. I guess I feel more sadness for her than anything -her grief has turned to extreme bitterness and anger. She has a big beautiful house, tons of money, a family that cares......and yet she has nothing.

My DH and I are going to go anyway. It's his B'Day and he loved it so much last year. My DH comes first. I will still take care of her and do what needs to be done. Unfortunately I will never feel any kind of closeness to her anymore due to one of her recent rantings. She told me that my father said to her as he way dying that "I feel so sorry that I am leaving you with her." I never believed it, my Dad and I were very close. It just shows me that I can only learn to be civil to her. Because of that comment I literally felt the love for her leave my soul.

Lesson learned: I did invited her because I felt guilty that we have fun and she doesn't anymore. I thought it would be something for her to look forward to. Don't do things out of guilt.

people deal with grief in many different ways, and whilst I dont excuse your mother for her behaviour or comments, I suspect she didnt mean what she said in the way you have taken it.

She sounds very unhappy to me, and I am sure she is.. it must have been a terrible shock to lose her husband after 43 years.

Your mother is always your mother, no matter what she says or does..
and I bet she adores you, but finds it difficult to show it.

 

[bluejasmine]

Another vote for leaving her behind. My mother is alot like yours. I have gone through many things like that with her. The best thing you can do is go with out her. She has already said she didnt want to go anyway so go and have fun! You will be glad that you did. It sounds like you do alot with your mom so she should understand that you and your husband would need a vacation by yourselves. I have a feeling she would be complaining the whole time anyway. Try not to feel guilty you know you didnt do anything wrong. Good luck!

 

[bluejasmine]

Oh I just read your update and have to tell you that we really are in the same boat! My mother and I were never close until my dad died in 99 he also took care of EVERYTHING so she is very dependant on my DH and I but gets down right nasty if we dont jump to do everything she asks. She expects alot too believe me. We are learning to break away slowly. Its very hard for me. Its seem like my mother was a completely different person, always strong, independant and now she isnt any of those things of course Im sure age has something to do with it she will be 70 in a few weeks..Anyway just letting you know I do understand we seem to have something in common, lol

 

[mom2minniemouse]

((HUGS)) to you! Your mom sounds very mean spirited. Have fun at Disney without the drama magnet!

 

[yankeepenny]

believe me, I can understand your situation.
why should you pay money for a nice vacation and be uncomfortable?
go without her, JMHO.

 

[yankeepenny]

we are sooooooo related!