6 Days Before Our Trip, DH Just Left Me

[Tuffcookie]

kristen821 wrote:

don't think it is illegal for her to drain the accounts since she is on the account. That is a risk you have to take with joint accounts, but I would consult an attorney with any questions you are unsure about. Changing the locks won't stop him if he wants to get inside. He can break a window and it wouldn't be illegal since his name is on the house too.

ITA!

poohandwendy, you are probably right about there being someone else...usually is!

But, I still think it would be in the OP's best interest to go on this "vacation" with her husband. If there is another woman, what's to stop him from bringing her to their house while she's gone? That, there, is enough to make me

He has already ruined their trip. There is no way she can go and enjoy herself, with or without him, so why not protect her financial interests? If he's home and she's at WDW, she will only worry about what he's up to at home!

I was married for almost 20 years and was 7 mos. pregnant with youngest DS, when my ex decided he wanted out. I had to make decisions to protect my interests and not let him push my buttons. How do you think I got the name "Tuffcookie"!

 

[poohandwendy]

You have yourself and 3 children to think of and worry about supporting...a total of 4 people. I would take 4/5 of the money out of your accounts. Leave him 1/5. That seems fair. At the moment, he is thinking about himself, so leave him enough money to take care of only himself.

I would call an attorney first thing Monday morning. See what your options are as far as the house, changing the locks etc. Maybe you would be legally protected if you changed the locks, even if his name is on the deed too based on the situation, and you taking the kids on an already-planned vacation. Having someone stay at the house to "guard" it isn't going to do any good. It's his house. If he can get in, he will. That's why the advice of an attorney is needed, to see what loophole changing the locks will fall in to, in order to protect your things. I'd also check into freezing whatever other assets you may hold jointly so that he can't clean them out...I mean things such as CDs, retirement savings, 401Ks. I'd also check with the lawyer about jointly held credit cards...perhaps there is a way to notify the credit card compnay that as of such-and-such a date, you are separated and is there a way to note that so that charges made by him after that date are not your reponsibility. If not, ask if there's a way you can pay it off and cancel it, and if there is, then do so. Get a credit card in your name (or maybe your and your Dad's name) only so you start to build a credit score of oyur own, that is not attached to his.

As far as hiring a PI...what for? I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like he is no longer invested in the marriage. Do you need a PI to tell you what you pretty much already know? He may say there is not someone else...when a 40 year old man leaves his wife and 3 children in an instant, there is someone else. Unless an attorney advises you that if you have proof that he was cheating that it could benefit you later, then it's money I wouldn't spend right now. I'd take the vacation...you and the kids need it. If you don't want to spend a lot of time with his side of the family, tell them why. A simple "I am sure that you understand, based on our current circumstances, why I'd prefer not to see you guys while we are here" will suffice. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't act like you did.

Watch the "I'll do anything to keep the marriage together" stuff. Tell him that you are more than willing to work to see if you two can save this marriage, but everything has its limits. Then decide your limits, and stick to them. Let's not have this guy thinking he's Joe Stud, with a babe on the side and a wife who's willing to tolerate the crap.

Counselling...get it for you and the kids, even when he tells you he doesn't want or need to go. It will be helpful.

Make him take responsibility for his behavior. If the kids ask you questions, make them ask him. Make him look at his 3 children and explain to them why he is uprooting and upheaving their entire existence. I wouldn't speak badly about him, but I wouldn't give him a pass either. If they ask "Why did Daddy do this?" say "I don't know. You'll have to ask him when you talk to him. But remember that Mommy loves you very much and isn't going anywhere". They will need the reassurance that one of their parents is stable and in the picture...it looks like it is going to have to be you.

I wish you well. Your next few months will be difficult, but empowering in many ways. Stay strong for yourself and your children, provide a positive role model for them, and as much stability as you can offer them during this unstable period.

EXCELLENT post and worthy of being bumped onto the next page....OP, please read this a few times and follow this advice.

 

[ozarkmom]

A friend of mine and a coworker have both went through this recently. My friend was married for almost 20 yrs. had been with him since h.s. 2 boys at home. Everyone was shocked. They were the couple that we'd all pick as most likely to stay together forever. She loved him dearly and he just didn't love her anymore. He told everyone that he'd been unhappy for years. Guess what though seems he'd found someone that did make him happy. He is now married to her and raising her 2 kids instead of his own. A couple of warnings my friend really thought this would blow over she even talked him into counseling for awhile. He would tell her things like I know after I work through some things we'll get back together. He kept giving her little glimpses of hope and he was playing her in order to get everything just the way he wanted. By the time she unburied her head he had charged up credit cards, take money out of the boys accounts, got her to agree to some things that if she'd been thinking clearly she would not have agreed to. After the divorce he filed for bankruptcy and she had to also. It's been one big nightmare for her and the boys. She is still in counseling and it's been over a year she just can't get past her anger. The other one well we all saw that one coming and once again he's told everyone that he's been unhappy for years he also found someone that makes him happy!

 

[MinnieM3]

Just some Hang in there. You are stronger than you even know. God bless you and your kids. I agree with keeping my distance from the in laws at WDW. It's YOUR vacation now. have fun with your kids.

 

[hucifer]

I seriously think there is someone else. I hate to say it, but his lack of emotional attachment to you suggests (IMO) that he is emotionally attached to someone else. I hope that isn't true, but I really think that is a huge possibility...based on his actions and attitude.

That is exactly what it sounds like to me, too. No matter what he says.

Many hugs to you!

ETA: I am glad that you decided to go to WDW with the children. I think it was the right choice.

 

[mickeysgal]

I know that when my father left my mother after 25 years, there was someone else. My mother moved joint accounts to protect what they accumulated over the years. She didn't want to take it for herself, she wanted to protect it from the other woman. In the end, she had to account for it, but at least it was there to account for. Since the state she lived in was a no-fault state, the fact that he was cheating meant nothing. Sad, but true. It was a very rough time for our family and us kids were adults at the time. He didn't want the divorce (at first), he wanted to continue to play by having the family intact and the chick on the side. Simply, he got caught.

I wholeheartedly agree with those that are advising to seek council. You need to know what your rights are. You'll know where you stand and you can take logical, appropriate action from that point forward. Make a list of your questions and perhaps take someone with you as an extra set of ears.

Another thing to ask the attorney is health care. If you're covered under your husband's health care policy at work, I'd ask the attorney what it will take to make sure he doesn't drop both you and the kids from that policy.

In the meantime, gather up all you can about your shared accounts so that he can't argue about available balances.

Best wishes...we're all pulling for you!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If there is another woman, what's to stop him from bringing her to their house while she's gone? That, there, is enough to make me

Me too. I would have to get ducks in a row otherwise I would be driven to the brink of insanity. Not to be weird, but how do you know he is not going to "hurt" himself, you know? You see, my mind starts thinking of everything and I could not chill 1 second.
Everyone is different.

OP, you do what you think is best for yourself. You have to handle this the best way for you and your children.
{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I also don't buy that there isn't someone else. Otherwise it seems that he would have taken the vacation and then either discussed the problems in the marriage and/or talked about separating. He does not sound vested in the marriage, which would be surprising if there is nobody else.

I'm betting that there were signs that things were not going well, but I don't find it surprising that him leaving was a shock. Something had to have triggered him leaving just before a vacation. At the very least he has some hostility towards the family for doing this right now.

Good for you for deciding to go on the trip, anyway. The kids and you need this time away. I know that you will have a hard time relaxing, but hopefully you will be able to have a good time in spite of the situation.

What do his relatives who are also going to WDW think about all this? I wouldn't be too happy about it if I were them.

 

[becker1123]

First of all I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your family. Second, talk with a lawyer!! Immediatly if not sooner!! And a good one. You can not imagine the terrible things people do when involved in a divorce. People have given you great advice here, but first talk to a lawyer to make sure you and your kids are protected. Laws vary quite a bit from state to state and a lawyer can help you negotiate through them best.

Third, go on your trip and have a great time. There is no more magical place than Disney to help forget the tough stuff, even if only for a bit. You will come back much stronger.

You will all be in my prayers. Best wishes.

 

[Keli]

I've never been in your shoes and, quite frankly, I don't feel any advice I gave would be as valuable as what you've already received (especially disney doll's post). But my heart goes out to you and I just wanted to let you know that you and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

As far as hiring a PI...what for? I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like he is no longer invested in the marriage. Do you need a PI to tell you what you pretty much already know? He may say there is not someone else...when a 40 year old man leaves his wife and 3 children in an instant, there is someone else. Unless an attorney advises you that if you have proof that he was cheating that it could benefit you later, then it's money I wouldn't spend right now. I'd take the vacation...you and the kids need it. If you don't want to spend a lot of time with his side of the family, tell them why. A simple "I am sure that you understand, based on our current circumstances, why I'd prefer not to see you guys while we are here" will suffice. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't act like you did.

She needs a PI because she won't believe it until she sees it. She is in shock and needs proof. Until then she won't get angry enough to do what she needs to do to protect herself and her kids. CALL AN ATTORNEY! NOW!

Lori

 

[VSL]

I have no personal advice or experiences to reiterate, but I agree with Disney Doll's awesome post.

 

[poohandwendy]

She needs a PI because she won't believe it until she sees it. She is in shock and needs proof. Until then she won't get angry enough to do what she needs to do to protect herself and her kids. CALL AN ATTORNEY! NOW!

Lori

She does not need a PI, all she has to do is call him and tell him she received an interesting phone call from one of his coworkers. She does not have to name anyone and does not have to revealed what they 'said'. Just that she wished he could be more honest with her. Then wait for the uncomfortable silence. His reaction will tell her all she needs to know.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

She does not need a PI, all she has to do is call him and tell him she received n interesting phone call from one of his coworkers. She does not have to name anyone and does not have to revealed what they 'said'. His reaction will tell her all she needs to know.

She is in denial and won't believe it until she sees pictures. She hasn't believed it so far with his reactions towards her.

Lori

 

[poohandwendy]

She is in denial and won't believe it until she sees pictures. She hasn't believed it so far with his reactions towards her.

Lori

But, he might fess up if he thinks she already has proof. Just out of curiosity to see who is talking about him at work, he may reveal his true colors. It's worth a try, is all I am saying.

 

[RitaZ.]

I seriously think there is someone else. I hate to say it, but his lack of emotional attachment to you suggests (IMO) that he is emotionally attached to someone else. I hope that isn't true, but I really think that is a huge possibility...based on his actions and attitude.

That's also my impression.

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. What a selfish *******!!!! I'm glad that your father and sister will be there for you. Hang in there and stay strong.

As for the PI suggestion, I wouldn't waste any money on that. What would it accomplish? I mean, even if there is someone else, what difference will hiring a PI make if he wants to end the marriage? If there is someone else, you'll find out soon enough. Other than a waste of money and adding more misery and uncertainty to your life, I think it's counterproductive. Don't put yourself through that.

Hugs to you and your children.

 

[SillyMe]

In the end, does it really matter if there is another woman or not, other than the OP's feelings being hurt even more? He's made it clear he doesn't want to work on the marriage. I think she should just focus on what she needs to do to look out for herself and the children.

OP Best wishes to you and your children. Personally I would not remove all the money from the account. As for changing the locks (from what my attorney told me) the locks can be changed but he can still break into the house if he wants to. He can call the police and show them his name is on the deed and there is nothing that can stop him from entering if he wants to. If there is anything valuable in the house that you do not want him to have, I would remove it from the house and put it somewhere where he can't find it.

As for the trip, I think I would feel the kids out and see where they stand. I wouldn't make them decide, but I'd sort of bring up the topic and see what their opinions are.

Good luck.

 

[Caradana]

Nothing to add to the fabulous posts above (disneydoll, poohandwendy especially) aside from this: I would be nauseated in Disney, wondering if he was using his keys to empty what he wanted from the house. That's all you and your kids need, to come back home and open the door to find no TV, no master bedroom furniture, no entertainment center, no antiques, etc.

Let's get this straight: men don't leave unless they have the backup chick on the side. Men do not enter into celibacy lightly. So unless you want his mistress watching your television from your bed, I would change the locks before you left. This man has shocked you once, and shame on him. But if he shocks you twice, it's your fault and I don't feel much pity for you. Don't let him.

 

[poohandwendy]

In the end, does it really matter if there is another woman or not, other than the OP's feelings being hurt even more? He's made it clear he doesn't want to work on the marriage. I think she should just focus on what she needs to do to look out for herself and the children.

I agree with you that she should be focusing on those things.

The only reason I suggested trying to find out if that is part of the equation is that the OP seems to be thinking he is just making a rash mid-life crisis type of decision and that there is hope that he will see the light and come home to work on things.

If he is having a relationship with someone else, not only is that unlikely...but she may also feel even more upset that she was begging and pleading for him to come home.

I only think that she should know what she is dealing with because at this point, her hope for reconciliation seems to be standing in the way of ''just focusing on what she needs to do to look out for herself and the children.'' She is still focusing on him and his reaction to whatever she does that may make him more mad or whatever. If he is having an affair, it may make her realize what she really is dealing with.

Now, if she was dealing with it the way you said, I would definitely say 'drop it', it doesn't matter either way.

 

[kristen821]

Maybe this has been said already, but why doesn't the husband take the kids to wdw. It is his family going anyway. It might be nice for you to get some time alone to sort things out. Then when you get everything sorted out you can take your kids to WDW on your own without his family.