40 years old and never dated

[Chubroach]

I am concerned about my younger sister. She just turned forty years old and has never had a date, or real friend in her life. She is very heavy and quiet. Terrible conversationist but kind, gentle and hard working. She has a higher than normal IQ and outside of her weight, a relatively average appearance. She does not suffer from any mental or physical illness of any type. She has a administrative support job and is a good worker.

My question to the board is this: Do you know anyone who is forty years old who has never had a date, or any close personal relationship with a man or women anytime in their life? What should I do about the situation?

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I knew somebody (a former neighbor) who died in her 80's and never had a date...but she was VERY religious, and felt that most forms of intimate contact were sinful.

Also, I've known a few people who didn't date until later in life because of their seuxality. Many gay or lesbian people are too scared to come out and just chose abstinance as opposed to facing their families with their sexual orientation.

My brother (I haven't seen him in years) didn't date. He was 34 the last I saw him and had never dated...not once! He, too, was above average intelligence. He wasn't the most attactive person in the world, but when he made an effort at his appearance, he wasn't too bad at all. I never understood why he never dated. We grew up in a home in which out parents were the perfect role models. They were very happy and loving. So I kind of fall back on the two reason I named above. In my brother's case, I don't think it was religion! But I've often wondered if he was gay, since it does run in our family.

 

[TDC Nala]

Does it bother her, and is she depressed about it? If not, maybe she's living the way she wants, let her be.

 

[DocRafiki]

Yes, there is someone like that in my family. We're all mentally ill so that could be the only reason, but homosexuality hasn't been ruled out (obviously). I think it's a sad waste. Of course they will claim it's the way they want it, but I don't believe it for a second.

 

[DMickey28]

A very good friend of ours turned thirty this year and he has dated a FEW times but never been in a relationship. He has never had ANY intimate contact with a women, not even a kiss. He claims he is happy this way, at the same time he is searching on web sites for date potential. His "problem" is that he has no idea how to talk to women. He has very materialist standards and has no idea how to approach or hold conversation with a women he finds attractive. Of course with me he has no problem!!! It's a shame because he such a great guy, very funny, caring and is actually pretty good looking but his standards for physical appreance that he is looking for causes him to miss out on wonderful women in a not barbie model package...

 

[Jodi1980]

Does it bother her, and is she depressed about it? If not, maybe she's living the way she wants, let her be.

I agree! There are people out there that date all the time and could be unhappier than all of us!

 

[Val]

She probably is picky (high standards)......if she is very bright and not "model pretty" she probably frightens away typical prospects, and those with "high IQ's" and quiet personalities may be too shy to ask. Is she involved in a hobby-type club (computers, stamps, historical society) or a church? She might meet a likely prospect there. I agree with others- is SHE bothered? She may simply be busy with her life and feel that dating is too difficult to deal with (remember THOSE days for those of us who are married?). If she is bothered, she might try getting involved in a club or social group- not a "singles" group, but somewhere there might be someone who shares HER interests and likes/dislikes. She needs to be reassured that one should marry for compatability and no designer looks!

On the other hand- partners are time consuming, high maintenance, and require a fair amount of compromising. They are also high risk and can be quite irritating at times. A cat or a nice houseplant CAN be a nice, quiet, non-disruptive alternative....although in hindsight I guess I won't trade my dH and kids away just yet!

 

[Pop Daddy]

get her a date

 

[Margie J]

You mentioned two issues: dating and friendships. Those have similarities and differences.

As for dating - Patterns differ here by individual. Some people date a lot and early and others don't. It's a personality issue involving how you feel about yourself and others. Of course, there's the intimacy issue too. Dating and relationships require a lot of trust, communication and a level of openess often beyond what many people are ready or willing to give. To date, someone else must also find you attractive in some way. That can be physical, mental, emotional &/or spiritual attractiveness. If your sister lacks these, or more importantly, feels she lacks these qualities she is unlikely to be seen as attractive to another person. Heavy and quiet people do date and marry so I don't see these as unsurmountable problems. I also would never assume she is a lesbian just because she hasn't dated. She may lack confidence in her social skills, attractiveness &/or have a very low sex drive.

Friendships - That is more odd to me. If a person has reached the age of 40 and not had a real friend in her life that is abnormal IMO. Since friendship is often the start of a dating relationship this ties in there also. The development of friendships evolves with age. As kids we form bonds over simple matters (favorite toys, same classes, same neighborhood, etc.). With age we begin to select friends based on simple as well as more complex matters also (politics, challenge, intellectual stimulation, etc.). Through this progression of friendships we learn to give and take, learn about ourselves and others and what we want from life. You've heard the saying "no man is an island". Friendships are the basis of a good, happy life. We can be religious, criminals, nice, nasty, different sizes, cultures, etc but to live without friendships is ultimately (and obviously) very lonely.

Do you have friends you could introduce her to or can you include her in activities with others when you go? This could ease her into the process. She may also need some professional help to boost her confidence and social skills. She may not be depressed or express displeasure in her life as it is but she could get so much more out of it if she could connect with someone. It could also help her at work. You say she's a good worker but she may be using that to avoid other social contacts. She may need to learn how to balance work and a social life. Bosses do notice if a person gets along with others. If they don't they could be passed over for promotions or raises even if they are hardworking.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

I think the reality of why she has no dates is probably painfully simple - unattractive people simply don't have as many opportunities as better looking people. No rocket science here - it's been proven over and over again - attractive people get better jobs, more friends, more promotions, etc etc etc. Chances are, your sister doesn't date since no one ever asks her out.

Heavy people are in a bad position in our image-obsessed society, and I bet her self esteem suffers. She probably doesn't even try at this point to date. And yes, like another poster said, overweight people do date and marry, but I just think it's much harder for unattractive people to get others to overlook the "unattractiveness" and see the real person.

I do have an uncle who never dated. Yes, he is overweight and I think no girl ever showed him any interest. He's a great guy, too.

My guess is nothing will change with your sister. Probably not much you can do. But who knows - maybe the right guy will come along.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When you ask her why she doesn't date or have any desire for friendships what does she say? Perhaps there are clues in her response.

 

[Chattyaholic]

My SIL bought a country lot just down the road from us a few years after she graduated from high school. She had been working at a factory here in town, then it went out of business so she and a friend took some business classes and got better jobs, and she invited the friend to move in with her. They lived together for many years, and we thought she would never find a guy and get married. But it wasn't any of our business.

Eventually she did find a guy, at age 38, dated a few months then got married and now they have a beautiful 5-year-old DD.
She just "retired" from her position at the hospital and is able to be a stay-at-home mom now.

 

[goofygirl]

I think the bigger concern is her weight. Not just because of looks and social life, but for health reasons. Your health is most important above anything else. You can have the greatest personality in the world, but if your health is at risk, what good does that do? Try working with her to lose some weight, and in time , her self confidence will probably be better if she looks good and feels good.

 

[GailT]

Originally posted by Pop Daddy
get her a date

Maybe she is waiting for you Mr. Poop Duddy. serious, if she is happy I wouldn't worry about her. With the dates I have been having lately she is probably better off.

 

[Lynn CC]

My only advice is trying to get her interested in losing some weight. Maybe if you live close by to one another you could do something together walk, talk or some low carb dieting. If not maybe you could tell her about the WISH board there is a lot of inspiration over there!
A lot of people with higher IQ's have a tough time fitting in.
I would just be there for her if she wants to talk about it. Try to brighten her day any way you can, without bringing up the negatives. She'll find her way,.if she already hasn't.
I do know someone like that, I've known him since I was a small girl and he's in his 60's now, still alone and perfectly happy!

 

[DixieDreamer]

I know your intentions are good... but I would go cautiously here. Her confidence and self esteem are probably not needing the affects of having someone point out the obvious (not dating, no friends, needs to lose weight). In the process of trying to help - you could easily make it worse. How close are you to her? Do you visit and share confidences regularly? If you are then just work the discussions into those times. If not, it will likely come accross as intrusive and judgemental to bring these issues up. Being able to talk to someone frankly and in a supportive manner on sensitive subjects is really something that must come after a solid foundation of trust and respect has been established. I guess I would encourage you to frankly assess whether you have such a relationship before embarking on any intervention.

If you do NOT have that kind of relationship there are still things you can do. Work at establishing that kind of relationship. BE her friend. Make it a regular practice to call her and or go do stuff together. It will do many things:

1) You will establish a relationship that allows for those types of more sensitive discussions
2) She will get out and about more and likely it will open up other opportunities for her socially
3) She can practice her social skills with you.

Just my observations.

 

[Feralpeg]

Be careful not to judge what is right for someone else based on what is right for you. I know many people that do not date. Some have never dated. The lead very happy and productive lives. I know it may some hard to believe, but you don't have to be married or in a relationship to be happy. My sister never dated (actually, I think she had one date). She is a very happy well-adjusted person. She happens to cherish her own individuality and likes being by herself. Don't get me wrong, she can attend a social event with the best of us. She has worked for 34 years as the assistant to CEO of a large company and is well liked. She has no desire to marry. I have one brother who is married and has grown children. His twin never married. I never married. I dated a great deal when I was younger. I might have gotten married, but I developed breast cancer at age 32 and had a mastectomy. In today's society, that sort of thing can put a real damper on dating prospects. Am I unhappy? No! I have a very full life. At age 36, I had no real prospects for marriage. I really wanted to have a child. I had artificial insemination from a donor and I now have a beautiful 15 year old DD. I recently retired and we are moving to Orlando. I couldn't be happier. I spend a great deal of time with DD. I perform in local theater. I am currently in the middle of writing a book. I couldn't be happier.

We seem to think that everyone needs the same thing out of life. That isn't the case. If your sister seems sad or has expressed a desire to date, by all means help her. If not, it might be best to leave her alone. Maybe, this is what makes her happy. If you push, you could make her feel inadequate and unhappy.

It makes me very upset when I hear people say that people who don't marry must be gay. Sorry, I'm not gay. Neither is my sister or brother. I was in a long term relationship with a man that ended on amiable terms. Would I marry now? I'm 51. I don't think so. If I were to meet someone special, it is possible. I really value my freedom. I am so used to making all my own decisions. I am very set in my ways and it would be difficult to change. Am I lonely? Sometimes. Not often.

I certainly don't know all the particulars of this situation, but make sure that you are doing this because it is what your sister wants and not just because it is what you want.

 

[barbeml]

Some people are loners but not lonely, and some are living lives of quiet desperation due to extreme social phobia or poor self-esteem.

I have a male friend I have known for almost 30 years, and he began his first "romantic" relationship two years ago at the age of 47. Before that, he had never even kissed a girl. He has suffered depression, social phobia and extremely poor self-esteem (vicious, cold and rejecting parents) all his life. While this relationship has changed him a good deal for the better, he will always have issues.

My DH's cousin has no social life. He has dated very sporadically, but he rarely ever opens his mouth at family gatherings, unless he is complaining. He lives to work and seems to care little for company of any kind.

I agree that the lack of friend thing is of more concern than the lack of "boy friends." Everyone needs to have at least someone they can relate to and confide in. Does she consider you her friend? Maybe you can start to involve her more in your social life in a non-threatening way.

Some people just seem to be missing the "relating to others" gene. If you can talk honestly, maybe you can find out whether her current state is a preference or something she would like to change. She could be suffering chronic low-level depression.

I will keep a good thought for her!

Barbe

 

[jimmytammy]

I can appreciate your concern for your sister, it shows you love her. Society (which stinks the way it is IMHO) tells us we have to have someone by our side to be happy. This is not always true. We are all different.
But God grants us others in our lives. I firmly believe that. How we choose to interact with those people He places there is our doings. If we choose to ignore or think we arent good enough for others, thats our demise. Sure there are people in my life that once work is over, or once the game is over or whatever, I am ready to get to my life and let them go their way. Not that Im better than them, everyone is different though.
Some people are good with being alone. I enjoy being with others of like interests.
I guess its OK to be alone if depression or some underlying concern is not present. Pray that if God wants someone in your sisters life whether it be a soulmate or a lifetime friend that He will make that person present soon.

Good luck and pixie dust blowing your sisters way

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I was also concerned for my sister. She was 31 and had about 3 dates her whole life. She lived with my mom, had a good job and really didnt have any girlfriends her own age. She was friendly while at work though. She decided to adopt a child as she wanted to be a parent. She also enjoyed our 3 ds immensely. She passed away before adopting the child, but I think I will always remember while we concerned about her, I never tried to push my agenda on her. She was independent and made her own choices. She seemed happy, so that is what was important. I also have a cousin who was our age also, she is over 30 and lives with her mom in a retirement village no less, she has a good job, we have asked her if she was interested in dating a friend of ours and she said no. Her mother always found fault with anyone she ever showed an interest in. She only had a few dates, always a bridesmaid, never the bride, goes to some friends childrens birthday partys. I made a few hints to her to like taking a vacation away from her mother etc. It did not go over well. She is not close to us. I do feel sorry for her as do other relatives but we know that is how she has chosen to live her own life. She generally seemed to pretend to be happy. Her mom was always making comments to me like well you have your dh and the kids and (penny) has no one. (Hello, wake up, that is her own choice but I guess I didnt comment on how my aunt ruined her life by putting a leash so tight on her there is no way of getting away. I even mentioned once about getting her own place, (How can SHE afford that etc.? I just pray for her and wish her happiness and peace. Good luck and keep the communication door always open.