3 year old and bedtime tantrums...throwing up - help!

[mookie]

Okay, my dd is normally a great kid, but lately I just don't know what to do with her. She is constantly stalling at bedtime, (another glass of water, another hug, fan on, fan off, I want THAT stuffed animal, etc.) and if we just walk out of the room and tell her we are done playing games, she will cry hysterically until she throws up. It happens EVERY night!!!

I have tried everything. Talking to her. Taking away something she loves. Punishing her the next day. Nothing seems to work, and she still ends up screaming and crying so much that she will vomit in her bed. (And the thing is, she can now get this accomplished in just under 5 minutes of crying!)

Once she throws up, she's fine. Because then, she gets more attention because we have to go in her room, get her out of bed, clean her up, change her sheets, etc. It adds another 15 minutes of wake up time.

Any suggestions? I know Dr. Phil has said to "Let them sleep in it," but does that really work? Has anyone tried it? It grosses me out to think about sleeping in vomit just to teach her a lesson and make her stop, but I don't know what to do anymore. Help!!!!

 

[Maleficent13]

I'm probably going to be flamed for this (although I don't know why), but have you ever thought about letting her stay up until she's ready to go to sleep?

BUT...wake her up at her usual time, regardless of what time she went to bed. Make her follow her normal routine no matter how tired she is.

Yes, i know it will make your life a living %&*$ for a couple days, but maybe it will work?

Caveat: My DD has not reached this stage yet, so I have no proof this works. I could be offering you a bunch of hooey for advice, but it SOUNDS logical.

 

[wuv tigger]

time to do a little cleaning up of your pm's.

I tried to PM you but your files are full.

 

[jenwolgey]

Is she getting enough positive attention from Mom and Dad during the day? Sometimes, kids will take any kind of attention, even negative, just to get some time with Mom and Dad. I feel your pain-I know how hard it can be when a child resists bedtime.

My daughter is now 11, and we STILL have problems at bedtime. In her case, I think she is just wired to be a night-owl. Very frustrating for all of us.

 

[diznygirl]

Sleeping in it is just gross and mean to do to a child.

Can you try putting her to sleep an hour later? Maybe by that time she will be too exhausted to put up much of a fuss?

We stay with our kids until they fall asleep. It usually takes 5 minutes after lights out - and it's a small price to pay to make sure they fall asleep.

 

[kbkids]

I could have written your post. My DD did the same thing at that age. I understand the teaching a lesson part, but I couldn't let her sleep in it - too gross for me. I ended up just lying with her until she fell asleep - usually only took about 10 minutes. After awhile, she decided she didn't need me anymore and went to bed on her own. She's now 8 - the throwing up act stopped at about age 4 1/2.

My DD did it for everything!!! At age 2, didn't want to go to church - she would throw up when we pulled into the parking lot. Didn't want to eat what we were having for dinner, throw up at the table, home, restaurant, didn't matter. I'm talking at least 2-3 times a week for almost 3 years. My friends thought I was exaggerating until several of them witnessed it themself. Her mattress was so bad that we threw it out and just bought another one. Her doctor said just to try to keep her as calm as possible -

LIke I said, she grew out of it thankfully. Thank goodness I had a strong stomach all of those years!

 

[mookie]

time to do a little cleaning up of your pm's.

I tried to PM you but your files are full.

Whoops! Sorry bout that! All clear!

 

[mookie]

I'm probably going to be flamed for this (although I don't know why), but have you ever thought about letting her stay up until she's ready to go to sleep?

That was actually our first thought. But when we tried it, it just made it worse because she was overtired. (She gets VERY crabby or hyper when she needs sleep!) I've tried switching naps, and eliminating them altogether, but by 4:30-5pm, she's so sleep deprived she's a monster.

As far as enough attention, I'm a SAHM, so she gets quite a bit of attention from me, and when daddy gets home, it's all about her until she goes to bed.

 

[mookie]

Sleeping in it is just gross and mean to do to a child.

BTW, before anyone flames me, I just want to make it clear that I too, agree that this is disgusting and mean to do to a child, which is why I was wondering if anyone has ever really brought themselves to do it. I know deep down I could never do it, but in the heat of the battle, it can become a tempting threat.

 

[kbkids]

That was actually our first thought. But when we tried it, it just made it worse because she was overtired. (She gets VERY crabby or hyper when she needs sleep!) I've tried switching naps, and eliminating them altogether, but by 4:30-5pm, she's so sleep deprived she's a monster.

As far as enough attention, I'm a SAHM, so she gets quite a bit of attention from me, and when daddy gets home, it's all about her until she goes to bed.

Mine actually had stopped naps by then - but yes, if they weren't busy around 5:00, would fall asleep. If I could divert their attention to wake them up, I would. If not, let them sleep for about 15 minutes and then woke them up again. By 7:30, they were more than ready to go to bed. It was tough those last couple of hours, but we got through it.

 

[Sandcass]

I can't imagine letting her sleep in it. That's too gross. My friend's DD did this same thing. She made herself throw up for the attention. She did it until she was about 3 and then grew out of it. blecch!

I would reevaluate your whole bedtime routine. Don't play any games. Have an agreed upon number of books you're going to read, put a waterbottle or sippy cup next to her bed, Have everything agreed upon ahead of time so there's nothing left for discussion at bedtime. Make these agreements with her during the day when you're both not tired. Maybe she would enjoy putting the bedtime routine on a poster or something that you & she can make together and put it by her bed? (Like a checklist)

Maybe you can make her a deal, that you will lay down with her for 10 minutes until she's settled, but then she can't cry when you leave the room. She would probably love that cuddle time. If she cries after then maybe no laying down with her the next night.

Or some kind of "big girl" incentive. "Big girls don't throw fits at bedtime, if you're a big girl for 5 days in a row we can........ " I don't know, something for big girls. Shopping w/mom? a big girl toy reward? Another friend is doing that with her 4 year old right now because she still is getting out of bed to sleep with mommy & daddy.

Bedtime battles are the worst! I wish you good luck

 

[WDWMom]

All 3 of my children went to bed without a problem. Still do at 9, 10 and 14.

The only thing I can think of is to reward her if she goes to bed when told. No vomit she can have an extra XXXX tomorrow. Try to reward instead of punish.

 

[Sandcass]

My daughter is now 11, and we STILL have problems at bedtime. In her case, I think she is just wired to be a night-owl. Very frustrating for all of us.

Exact same thing here, our 11 year old DD goes to bed about 9:00, but doesn't fall asleep until about 11:00. I feel bad for her, but we don't know what to do. She doesn't get up or anything, just lays there forever.

 

[justhat]

My daughter did this as an infant if we tried to let her CIO. Obviously we gave that up. She's almost 2 now and bedtime is okay if I do it, if my husband tries it's another story. She's stopped the vomiting, but will still cry till she gags with him. We still lay with her when she goes to bed though and usually don't have a problem that way. Of course now that I'm pregnant it also means I usually fall asleep with her, but oh well.

Anyway, here's something that works with my niece so maybe you could try it. She's 4.5yo now, but for the past year or so she'd have these tantrums (only when her dad was watching her) where she'd cry till she started vomiting and she's also wet her pants. Well her dad was tired of cleaning up pee and vomit so he said when 1 tantrum started "You have to finish this in the bathroom" and let her carry out her tantrum in the bathroom, on the toilet actually since he knew she'd wet her pants. Well a few months ago we were visiting and my husband and FIL had to babysit her and she threw a fit and told them "I have to go to the bathroom" cause she is now trained that if she's going to do that it has to be in the bathroom. So maybe you could provide your daughter with a bucket and say if she feels she needs to cry till she vomits that's fine but it has to go in the bucket. Or if she's allowed to leave her room maybe have her stand in the bathroom till she's finished and then tell her she still has to return to bed. Or another option, though still sorta gross, would be to give her a few towels and then tell her that after she vomits it's her job to clean it up, whether that be place the towel on top and sleep on the towel or whatever she does. Much better alternative I think than sleeping in vomit. Maybe if she realizes she won't get attention from having you come in and clean everything up it will become less appealing to do. Good luck!

 

[Sandcass]

So maybe you could provide your daughter with a bucket and say if she feels she needs to cry till she vomits that's fine but it has to go in the bucket. Or if she's allowed to leave her room maybe have her stand in the bathroom till she's finished and then tell her she still has to return to bed. Or another option, though still sorta gross, would be to give her a few towels and then tell her that after she vomits it's her job to clean it up, whether that be place the towel on top and sleep on the towel or whatever she does. Much better alternative I think than sleeping in vomit. Maybe if she realizes she won't get attention from having you come in and clean everything up it will become less appealing to do. Good luck!

Ooooh I like your answer! I would do the bucket I think. Tell her ahead of time that it's going to happen, so she can think about if she wants to have a fit at night any more.

 

[cepmom]

I like the idea of rewarding her for good behavior instead of punishing for bad behavior....for years I fell into the trap of "if you do this (negative behavior)....then you won't be able to do that (lose privledge)." Now I try to say "if you do this (positive behavior), then you can do that(positive reward)." Sounds silly, but it really does make a difference. Instead of getting negative attention from us, they will be getting positive attention for positive behavior.
My SIL just started using as merit/demerit type system. Every time one of the kids does something positive (cleans up toys without being asked, being kind to their siblings, stay in bed without getting up after lights out etc) they get a point. If they do something bad (hit their siblings, get up out of bed etc) they lose a point. After xxx number of points they get to have a reward (extra dessert one night etc)

 

[disney4us2002]

Well, based on watching the Nanny show with Jo, what she would advise (and does every show it seems) is to cut out the attention. The first time you go in, talk to her and say she must go to bed, the next time and all future times, do not talk to her or acknowledge her other than to lay her back down. If changing the sheets are required, then do so but still do not talk to her. She must see that she won't get your sympathy or attention or it will continue.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That was actually our first thought. But when we tried it, it just made it worse because she was overtired. (She gets VERY crabby or hyper when she needs sleep!) I've tried switching naps, and eliminating them altogether, but by 4:30-5pm, she's so sleep deprived she's a monster.

As far as enough attention, I'm a SAHM, so she gets quite a bit of attention from me, and when daddy gets home, it's all about her until she goes to bed.

Actually I recommend stopping the nap and changing her routine. I know it is a PITB at first but once you get over the intial crabbiness and she starts sleeping on her own it will mellow out.

In fact I would put her to bed earlier and then tell her she doesn't have to sleep but has to stay in bed. Like she has "control".
Give her a clock, and then some stickers.
Have her put a sticker on every 5-10 mins on a sheet and then if she can make it to 5 stickers, she gets a story. At 10 stickers she gets a story & "something else", gets to sleep with a special something or whatever.

The idea is to recondition her to get comfortable to sleep. Once she realizes that she has "control" she may relax.

 

[dizagain]

Well...I wish I had specific advice for you, but the only thing I can say is TRY TRY TRY everything you can to get this settled now and to get her to sleep on her own.

DD will be 10 on Wednesday. She STILL has sleep issues and at times acts like she's 3 at bedtime. It's embarrassing to admit this, but I want you to know what can happen. I stayed with her until she fell asleep as a toddler because nothing else worked. We could hold her door closed, yell, threaten,bribe,etc, but NOTHING worked. So at almost 10, I still snuggle with her awhile, then move to the floor by the door for a few minutes, and then hopefully leave while she's still awake but getting sleepy. Can't believe I'm telling you people this! She doesn't sleep soundly at all - never has, which means she wakes up several times a night. Does she stay in bed? No...she comes and wakes me up EVERY TIME. Again, it doesn't matter what we do, say, how we punish her, etc....it still happens. Well, we had a rule that I'd walk her back to her bed and cover her again, but after 5 a.m. she could get in bed with us. That was working and she actually stayed in bed when I put her there and left. So, just this week we started not getting up - telling her to leave. There are screams at 2 a.m. but she leaves when Daddy pops his head up. Come to find out she's getting in bed with sister when this happens. Sis has a queen size bed and doesn't seem too bothered. Not sure this is really progress... she is sleeping through the night about half of the week now. By the way...her New Year's Resolution was to sleep on her own so she can go to sleepovers!

So, we're pretty good parents and our lives are pretty normal except for this little secret. DD is well-behaved the majority of the time and follows our rules - except for this. Good luck and please try to stop this now. I'm going to keep reading this thread for ideas!

 

[elan]

Has anything else changed? Has something scared her recently? I only ask because my one DD has had "worry" issues at times. When the lights go out and they are laying in bed it's a great time for the mind to start to wonder and things are seen differently in the dark.