.............................

[wishspirit]

And the possibility of an "oddity" is what keeps DD from approaching her.. Who knows these days??



I've just recovered from a pretty significant problem with agoraphobia myself - so I'm well aware of what it feels like..

I don't think "judging" is the correct word here.. I never said she was a "bad" mom - and I specifically mentioned how well adjusted and happy "Mary" is.. I said that it was curious - a bit odd - and wondered if others had ever encountered this type of behavior..

Not knowing what her "reasons" are is exactly why DD will not approach her first..

I understand your sensitivity due to your own issue - because I've dealt with it myself - but no where did I say I was "judging" this woman or saying she was a bad mom..

Good luck with your agoraphobia - definitely not a "fun" thing to deal with..

I was not intending to suggest you were judging at all by asking the question, indeed these sort of questions should be asked! However some responses did come back as a bit 'judgey' (e.g calling her lazy), everyone's circumstances are different and its what makes the world go round!

Thank you for the support, same hugs back to you!

 

[MichelleVW]

But her ex has been in the home many times. DH hasn't met many parents of our kids' friends, and doesn't feel the need to meet them, or to see their homes. Since her dd's dad seems to think this family is okay, maybe the mom trusts his instincts?

I don't find it all that weird. My girls had many friends that I never met the parents, but my ex did so I trusted his judgment. Now that they are in high school I hardly ever meet the parents.

 

[C.Ann]

..............

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Well, I think it's strange.
And frankly, I don't blame your DD for not letting DGD go anywhere with Mary's Mom until they meet.

And as far as those asking "why hasn't your DD gone out to the car?"...well, not for nothing, but if my kid was sleeping at someone's house, I'd be making it my business to go to the door and take a gander at the house, not waiting for the "lady of the house" to come out and pay homage to me.

Based on ex-H's comment, my guess is there is some sort of "oddity" there.

You are missing the point.

I wouldn't care who is paying homage to whom, I would want to meet the mother of a child that is friends with mine and is always at my home.

If she doesn't want to make an effort to meet me, I would still want to meet her, and I would make an effort to do so, especially if she is sitting in my driveway waiting to pick up her kid at my home.

 

[okeydokey]

I am always amazed at the parents that will leave their kids with people they have never met, and even leave them overnight. There is no way my children will sleep at anyone's house I haven't gotten to know.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

-------------------

This could very well be true - but I just can't imagine myself going to pick up my child (or grandchild) - and calling her on the cell phone from the driveway rather than ringing the door bell.. LOL

It is very common here, in fact normal when the kids are older.

 

[Alison Wonderland]

Even though she is in clubs, etc, she may be, as suggested above,
shy especially around people she doesn't know. And when you feel
like that it can be torture to go up to someone's door like that. I know
that sounds like it doesn't make sense. She might actually be
relieved if the other parent made the first move to meet her in person.

 

[Randi]

Another possiblity. Speaking as an ex-wife, I would not want to become friendly with a new family who is friendly with my ex. What I mean is you have a couple who is divorced but still have to interact for the sake of the child. The wife has moved on with her life as has the ex. But it sounds like the ex is friendly with the parents of the child's friend. If I was in that situation, I would not want to be friends with these parents. Meet them yes, but not to the extent of becoming friends. This is assuming the girls became friends only after the divorce so the couples didn't know each other before the divorce. I would also be quite angry if I found out that my behavior was a cause of discussion between my ex & my daughter's friends parents. It could be that the girls overheard & told the mother. In this case, no I would not want to meet them but I would allow my daughter to continue the friendship for her sake.

Kinda rambling, but I hope I made a little sense.

 

[C.Ann]

It is very common here, in fact normal when the kids are older.

----------------------

I agree that it becomes a little more normal when kids get older (although having to meet friends parents probably won't change for DD's family even then), but 10 is still a little young for that in my book..

 

[ilovejack02]

I don't find it all that weird. My girls had many friends that I never met the parents, but my ex did so I trusted his judgment. Now that they are in high school I hardly ever meet the parents.

I have a 20 yr old stepson. He has lots of friends that we only met one parent esp when they were divorced too. There was one child that Im not sure we ever met the parents until he was prob about 15 ish . We had known the kid since he was 9 lol. My husband's ex told the parents we were nice people and they trusted that. They even let their kiddo go on vacation with us with just a phone call or two and then we actually picked up the boys at my husband's ex's house and then dropped them back off there.

I would have never done that .. but I guess to each his own.

 

[SereneOne]

Another possiblity. Speaking as an ex-wife, I would not want to become friendly with a new family who is friendly with my ex. What I mean is you have a couple who is divorced but still have to interact for the sake of the child. The wife has moved on with her life as has the ex. But it sounds like the ex is friendly with the parents of the child's friend. If I was in that situation, I would not want to be friends with these parents. Meet them yes, but not to the extent of becoming friends. This is assuming the girls became friends only after the divorce so the couples didn't know each other before the divorce. I would also be quite angry if I found out that my behavior was a cause of discussion between my ex & my daughter's friends parents. It could be that the girls overheard & told the mother. In this case, no I would not want to meet them but I would allow my daughter to continue the friendship for her sake.

Kinda rambling, but I hope I made a little sense.

I think this too.

 

[bumbershoot]

I am always amazed at the parents that will leave their kids with people they have never met, and even leave them overnight. There is no way my children will sleep at anyone's house I haven't gotten to know.

Well...another anecdote.

A good friend of mine in college got pregnant then married at 19. Had a second kid, they struggled along for awhile, friend's hubby (who was also a college friend, as they had dated from 8th grade on and came to college together) working his behind off for the family....but my friend decided to leave.

My friend let her ex have full custody. Her ex couldn't make it work financially in our state, so he moved almost across the country. Her girls grew up just beyond the midwest, and my friend stayed here.

Their situations were pretty much reversed from most divorces, where the woman keeps the kids etc etc.

So I'm sure that her girls grew up having scads of friends that my friend never met, let alone their parents, etc.

While this situation is different b/c there are no different states, the idea is the same. The one parent has met the friends and their parents. So there's no strong need for the other parent to do so. Most of us have a bias or even prejudice, thinking that it's the mom who is involved enough to meet the friends etc, but perhaps this case is like my friend's, where the dad is the go-to guy, the domestically involved one, etc.


Or maybe the mom just feels fat and doesn't want to see anyone (not that I've had that feeling ever or anything...).

 

[ckay87]

Oh my gosh, this is the story of my life. My sons have more friends whose parents I've never met than parents I know. I've hosted kids for sleepovers, driven them around, taken them on outings, you name it...without ever having met the parents. They ARE lucky we are pretty upstanding people.

What gets me are the number of GIRLS who have been dropped off to visit my son where the parents just drove away, then did the cell-phone-doorbell when they picked the girl up. Did they even wonder if parents were home to supervise this boy-girl visitation? We have one girl who makes her way here somehow from another school district. The parents drop her off at one house, then she makes her way here. She is in 8th grade! Then the parents don't know where we live, so she meets them at the corner mini-market. I can't believe it sometimes.

 

[talulabelle]

In the case of the OP, the only thing I can think is a mental illness and/or extreme social disorder. Sound like she needs a truck-full of Paxil. I understand this behavior because I suffered from this when I graduated from college. Well, I guess I always suffered from it, but when I was in my parents care, or at college with close friends, I was able to cope. Once I was on my own and having to work out in the big world on my own, I spiraled downward to the point if affected my job, career, relationships. Luckily, my mother was on top of it and forced me to get help. Paxil changed my life. In three weeks, I wasn't afraid to talk to people I didn't know at work, I wasn't intimidated by my supervisors or managers or anyone above me. I didn't feel the need to hide at my desk during lunch. My DH is very outgoing and the opposite of me. (I think this is why I ended up with him, he reached out to me, no matter what my body language was,) I always leaned on him to make the social connections. I still allow him to call the babysitters and set things up etc. I just hate that sort of thing.
I really feel for this woman if this is her problem. It is awlful. It is like there is just this mental brick wall there, and even though she wants to break it down, she doesn't have the ability to. And the longer the situation goes on, the thicker the wall is, and the more impossible. In her mind, she is hurt that your DD has never come out of the house carrying Mary's things to meet her. She feels like she is intruding to go to the door. She is hoping that your DD will come out to her and the ball was in your DD's court. Since DD hasn't done this, she feels there is a reason. (whatever her mind has made it up to be). My reason in my head was that I wasn't worthy. That I was invisable. That I didn't matter to the other person. Even if she is aware (like I was) that she has a problem and it is her fault, she can't fix it at this point. It is more comfortable to just let it ride the way it has been.

As far as other posters saying that parents have dropped off and left their daughters without meeting the parents. That is just crazy. I've seen this myself. Even at the height of my disorder I would not have done this. If I had to keep my child home because of it I would have. (Or just sent my DH) This is just a breakdown in society and proper manners and relationships. In the OP's situation, I don't think that this woman is being uncareful with her child, as the childs father has met the family and she probably trusts his judgement, and she knows of the family through school. I just think she suffers from an agonizing mental illness.

 

[talulabelle]

When I read this I laughed as it it me! Not really me, but I am just like that woman. And I hate it!!!!

I work in a school and talk with people all day every day, but they approach me (in person or on the phone). I have a very hard time approaching people myself. I do not know why, but I cringe everytime I have to make the initial contact with someone.

When I have to do this, I will work out in my mind a million times what I will say and anticipate their response. I work myself into a tizzy over the stupidest things. I guess it is a form of social anxiety. As another poster said, if I know the people I am fine, but if I am in a new setting with no one I know I am very very shy and standoffish.

I also hate cold calling someone - even people I know. Many times I will get my DH to call for me and then put me on the phone. If people call me, I am fine. Crazy I know, but I am now in my 40's and I feel I have improved somewhat. Not quite as bad as I used to be.

I am the Mom in the car on the cell phone. If the parent comes out to meet me I am fine, but I will not go to the door. DH is great at talking to people, so we make a great pair! He usually makes the initial contact and then will introduce me. We know how to make it work for us! It is not that I do not want to know the parents of my children's friends, I just cannot approach them myself.

Just remember we are all different and the OP's situation may be different from mine, but there may be a reason for it.

I could have typed this myself! ALthough, when I was working in a big company and had to make many contacts with customers, I actually had to take Paxil to be able to do it. I don't take the Paxil anymore, because I am in a place where my husband and I can make it work like you do. (although sometimes I think I should go back on, because once in a long while I am thrown into a situation that throws me for a loop)

BTW, to the OP, I just don't understand why after all this time, you DD has never walked out to the car? I know that the mom should have come to the door, but since she hasn't why has your daughter not made the approach?

 

[MoniqueU]

We have a girl in our neighborhood that spends the night at our house and my daughter at her house. We took her to a local pizza place for my DD's birthday. They are not as close as your dd and Mary but she is over at our house alot. I have only spoken to her mom on the phone and am not quite sure what house is hers. my dd has a cell so I can call her when she is over there. My DD has also gone to a birthday party at the dads house and I have never met him/ And yes the reason I haven't met them is partially I am lazy. I fon'y slwys get dressed for the day and do my hair and makeup, I get nervous around other parents and I smoke in my garage only not around the kids but I don't want people judging me that way. She has also yaken my DD to the moies and her mom hasn'come ove to oir house to me4t me/ Sje lives just around the corner from us.

Now a 4 day trip I would want to meet the parents but for a sleepovr eith a girl I know is nire and politie and my DD is with her best friend as well I am less worried. My DD has said how nice her mom is.

 

[Jennasis]

I can think of one kid in particular whose mom fits this description. Kid has gone on weeklong trips to FL with her bff and the moms haven't met.

In that case, it is ABSOLUTE LAZINESS. The womas foists mothering off on whomever she can. Luckily, the people she does this to are wonderful people who care about her DD>

 

[sbell111]

When I read this I laughed as it it me! Not really me, but I am just like that woman. And I hate it!!!!

I work in a school and talk with people all day every day, but they approach me (in person or on the phone). I have a very hard time approaching people myself. I do not know why, but I cringe everytime I have to make the initial contact with someone.

When I have to do this, I will work out in my mind a million times what I will say and anticipate their response. I work myself into a tizzy over the stupidest things. I guess it is a form of social anxiety. As another poster said, if I know the people I am fine, but if I am in a new setting with no one I know I am very very shy and standoffish.

I also hate cold calling someone - even people I know. Many times I will get my DH to call for me and then put me on the phone. If people call me, I am fine. Crazy I know, but I am now in my 40's and I feel I have improved somewhat. Not quite as bad as I used to be.

I am the Mom in the car on the cell phone. If the parent comes out to meet me I am fine, but I will not go to the door. DH is great at talking to people, so we make a great pair! He usually makes the initial contact and then will introduce me. We know how to make it work for us! It is not that I do not want to know the parents of my children's friends, I just cannot approach them myself.

Just remember we are all different and the OP's situation may be different from mine, but there may be a reason for it.

I'm with you. I could totally see that parent being me. Since the friends parents were already vetted by the ex-spouse, I might certainly not seek out the parents to meet them. I might certainly take the easier route and not reach out. I don't believe that my feeling this way meens that I need medication.

Also, given that the ex-spouse is apparently friends with them and they have spoken about me behind my back, I could certainly understand my not wanting to interact with them.

At the end of the day, no one is stopping the OP's daughter from meeting this parent. All she has to do is walk out to the car and say hi.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At the end of the day, no one is stopping the OP's daughter from meeting this parent. All she has to do is walk out to the car and say hi.

Right, I don't get not walking the kid to the car.

Normally we "escort" people to their cars anyway as they are leaving, even family we see all the time.

I wonder if people think that is weird.

 

[Disney Doll]

But her ex has been in the home many times. DH hasn't met many parents of our kids' friends, and doesn't feel the need to meet them, or to see their homes. Since her dd's dad seems to think this family is okay, maybe the mom trusts his instincts?

Well, I agree. I assume the Mom trusts the Dad's judgement, since she hasn't taken the time to find out for herself. I can't say I think she has a "social anxiety disorder" because C.Ann said she works, dates etc. I would think that dating, at least, would be quite difficult with a social anxiety disorder.